Three reasons you aren’t doing what you say you will do | Amanda Crowell | TEDxHarrisburg

Amanda Crowell explores how to move beyond mindset-driven defensive failure and into productive failure so that you can succeed at the problems you struggle with the most.

Amanda Crowell is a cognitive psychologist and university professor at the Hunter College School of Education, speaker, and coach. Dr. Crowell works with teachers, therapists, and mission-driven entrepreneurs to clear away mindset blocks and move into action.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

When I was growing up,
I never, ever exercised.

I didn't have any active hobbies.

I didn't play any sports.

Nothing.

I was very well-known for saying,

"I will run when a bear is chasing me
and never before then."

This went on for about 34 years

until I woke up one day with an infant,

a two-and-a-half-year-old,

and a back that hurt all the time.

And I realized in that moment
that if something didn't change,

if I didn't become stronger
and more flexible,

I was not going to be
the kind of mother I wanted to be -

the kind of mother who can
chase around her kids at the park

or pick her kids up and swing them around

or sit on the floor
for five minutes to play Legos.

Now, the only option to get stronger
and more flexible is exercise.

But it just wasn't who I was.

And we all have something
like this, don't we?

Something that we know

if we're going to become
the person we want to be,

the innovator that we want to be,

this thing has to change.

But even though
we think about it all the time,

we never make any progress.

This phenomenon is what I call
"defensive failure,"

and it goes a little something like this.

It's Sunday.

You say to your husband or wife,

"This week, I'm going to go
to the gym three times."

Then it's Friday,

and you haven't been to the gym at all.

It's so mysterious, right?

You're like, "I meant to go to the gym.

I intended to go to the gym.

Why am I not going to the gym?"

Now, I am a cognitive psychologist,
so I did what we do best.

I spent the next three years

obsessively researching
the answer to that question:

"Why am I not going to the gym?"

And what I discovered

is that so much of the reason you're not
doing what you say you want to do

is in your mind.

In fact, I found that there are three
powerful mindset blocks

that are keeping you locked
in a cycle of defensive failure.

And if any one of these is in play,

your brain defends you
against real failure -

which is where you do it
but you do it really bad -

by redirecting you and distracting you,

and you never make any progress.

So let's talk about each one.

The first reason that you're locked
in a cycle of defensive failure

is that you think,

somewhere in your heart,

that you can't do it.

You think that some people have the talent
or the genetics to do this thing

and, specifically, you don't.

Let's talk about exercise for this one

because I have a lot
of experience with that.

When I first started exercising,

I decided that I would become a runner.

Now, the very first time
that I went out for a run,

I went out in really baggy yoga pants.

And I don't know
if any of you are runners,

but there's a real reason
why runners wear so much spandex.

Because I was only
about two minutes into my run

before I was holding up my pants
while I was running.

But I also didn't have any gear,

and I really needed my phone
because I had the Couch to 5K app on it.

I didn't have anywhere to put it.

So I'm running, holding my pants
with one hand and my phone in the other,

and my pants are falling off
in this direction now,

and I've got to grab it, so I grab it,

and the phone falls off -
"ah!" - grabbing my phone ...

It's a mess.

And the worst part of the whole thing -

this whole thing went down
on a high school track.

This, my friends, is failure.

I tried to do something
for the first time,

and I did it wrong.

Right?

What happens in this moment
is at the heart of this mindset block.

If you believe that at the core of success
is talent and genetics,

then this rookie mistake matters a lot.

It's the proof you needed
that you didn't have what it takes, right?

But if you can, instead,

develop what Carol Dweck would refer to
as a "growth mindset" about it,

then these rookie mistakes
lose their significance.

They are no longer proof
that you never should have tried;

they're opportunities to learn.

Because you know that
at the heart of success is not talent;

it's effort.

It's effort, over time,
that produces accomplishment;

it's effort that creates innovation.

And if you're able to shift your mindset

from this belief that some people
have it and you don't

and into one where you recognize

that your rookie mistakes are just
signposts on the pathway to success,

then you will be able to walk away
from this cycle of defensive failure.

Now, that's the first reason you're locked
in this cycle of defensive failure.

The second reason that you're locked
in this cycle of defensive failure

is that you think people like you
don't do things like this.

And this one comes down to your identity.

And we care a lot
about our identities, don't we?

And part of the reason
you care so much about your identity

is because it was hard-won.

So let's talk about
how you form an identity.

Now, looking around this room,

it looks like everybody has successfully
made it out of adolescence.

Is that true?

This guy back here is like,
"Uh ... define successfully."

(Laughter)

So here's what happens in adolescence.

You had an identity before adolescence,

but you basically absorbed it
from the people around you, right?

Like, "Mom says I'm creative."

All right.

"Dad says that I'm an athletic person."

Yeah, okay. That sounds right.

But that switches in adolescence.

You begin to start asking
really hard questions about who you are,

and you do it socially.

So you ask yourself,

"Am I like this person?

Am I like you?

Am I like you?

Am I like you?"

And you take on a little piece
of their identity,

and you see how it feels.

So you might take on, like,
lying to your parents and skipping school,

or you might try on
some really thick black eyeliner

and dye your hair jet-black,

shut your door,

and play the emo music
on repeat in your room.

You take on bits and pieces
of the people around you,

and in so doing,

you do what Erik Erikson refers to
as "identity fracturing."

It's really uncomfortable.

It creates a lot of friction in your mind
because you don't know who you are.

But the good news is that eventually -

sometime around your junior
or senior year in high school -

you begin to release the pieces
of your identity that are not serving you.

Maybe you stop hanging out
with the kids who are skipping school.

Maybe you decide, "I don't like football,

and I'm not going to hang out
with the football team anymore."

Each piece of that identity
that you let go of comes at a loss to you.

Those friends you were hanging out with
and skipping school,

that may have mattered a lot to you -

you might feel like a real traitor.

The football team
that you stopped hanging out with -

that might lose credibility for you
at your high school.

And that process of what Erik Erikson
refers to as "identity cohesion"

is very difficult.

But it does result in an identity,

a belief about who you really are.

And that matters to you a lot,

and you will do nothing
that threatens that identity.

Now, I see some of you saying,

"This is all very interesting,

but what does it have to do
with following through on my goals?"

Well, when I first became a coach,

I struggled a lot to get clients

because I consider myself
to be a heart-centered helper type

and I'll be promoting myself
and selling my services -

it felt really inauthentic and pushy.

Am I going to do something
that feels inauthentic and pushy?

No!

Never.

And that's how you get locked
in a cycle of defensive failure.

You say, "I'm going to go
to a networking event -

one each week this month."

Then the day comes
for the networking event,

and your brain's like,

"Yeah, no. We're not going do that.
That threatens our identity.

And anyways, Amanda, you're so tired.

You've been so busy.

You should really take care of you."

And before you know it,

the networking event
is happening somewhere,

but you're not there.

You're at home on the couch
in your stretchy pants,

knee-deep into the 13th episode
of the first season of Friends.

(Laughter)

Again.

Now, no judgment - we have all been there.

But it does explain
why you're not making any progress.

So if this sounds like you,

if this might be a mindset block
that you're struggling with,

what you have to do is find
people like you doing things like this,

and you have to share
your concerns with them.

For me, I had to find
a heart-centered helper type

who was great at promoting her business

and learn from her how I could
bring these things in line.

And if you can find a way

to bring what you want to do
in line with your identity,

you'll find going to the networking event

much, much easier.

And that's the second reason you're locked
in a cycle of defensive failure.

The third reason that you're locked
in a cycle of defensive failure

is that secretly you don't want to do it.

You just think you should want to do it.

Basically, you value it
for the wrong reasons.

Now, there are two ways
that you can value things.

On the one hand,

you can value them for what we refer to
as "intrinsic reasons" -

reasons that come from inside of you -

interest,

curiosity,

or you've drawn a straight, bright line

from the thing you want to do
up to your long-term hopes and dreams.

But you can also value things
for reasons that are outside of you.

Extrinsic reasons like

"All the cool people do it,"

or "My mom would be proud,"

or "Boy, would I like to be admired."

Now, let's just say for a second,
for the sake of an example,

that you have said,

"I've really got to stick to a budget.

And you know, the thing I do the most
that's costing me the most money

is I buy my lunch
every single day at work."

So you decide,

"I'm not doing that anymore;
I'm taking my lunch."

So one day, you're halfway
through your commute,

and you realize that your lunch
is sitting on the kitchen counter

right next to your cell phone.

Now, that is a hard day.

You've got nothing to eat
and no Candy Crush.

(Laughter)

What are you going to do?

So you're talking to your coworker,
like, "I'm having a hard day."

And she says, "Don't even worry about it.

We'll take it as a sign from the universe;
we'll go and have a real lunch.

It's going to be awesome."

So you have two options.

You can go with your friend
and have a "real lunch,"

spend $25 on a sandwich,

or you can go to the vending machine

and get a crappy two-dollar power bar.

What are you going to do?

Well, it depends on why
you're trying to stick to a budget.

If you're trying to stick to a budget

because you've just got engaged
and you're trying to buy a house

and you have these dreams

of your children sitting next to
a crackling fire on Christmas Eve,

then you will go to the vending machine.

But if you're trying to save money
because wealthy people are admired,

and, yeah, it would be cool
to be admired -

that's not enough.

It's not enough to counterbalance
the urge, the desire in the moment,

to go to a restaurant with your friend.

And this works for anything
that you're struggling with.

If the work you want to do is hard,

there will be urges in the moment to quit.

And it is intrinsic interest

that keeps you focused
on the steps you need to take

and not those urges of the moment
to go with your friend to the restaurant.

So if this sounds like you,

if this sounds like something
you might be struggling with,

you have to build out
the intrinsic interest.

You have to find a way
to be interested or curious

about what it is you want to do.

You have to read the blogs;
you have to look at the magazines.

And if you cannot,

if there is nothing of interest to you -

for example, about taxes -

then you must draw the bright line

between the thing you want to do
and your long-term hopes and dreams.

When the moment comes
that you want to get out, give up,

you take that piece of paper
out of your pocket

and read it to yourself

so that you ground back
into your intrinsic interest.

And that, my friends,

is how you would break out
of the third cycle of defensive failure.

Now,

if you have even one of these in place,

you will struggle
to make progress on your goal.

If you've struggled
with something your whole life,

it's likely that all three are at play

like it was for me with exercise.

But as I was able
to accept those rookie mistakes

as part of the process of getting better

and recognize

that there are non-competitive people
like me who also exercise

and accept -

you know, I got really, really interested
in the science of exercise;

it's very fascinating -

I was able, amazingly,
to begin to make progress.

Now, I do not want you to think
that I'm up here saying,

"Get your mindsets in order,
and you'll be a raging overnight success,"

because that's not how it works.

But what you do get to do

is trade that cycle of defensive failure

for action-driven,

insight-filled,

productive failure.

Failure where you do it wrong,

but then you get a little better.

And then you do it better over time

until suddenly, you're doing
what you never thought was possible.

For me, what that looked like

is over the course of about three years,

I taught myself how to run -

got the gear.

I taught myself how to bike.

I taught myself how to swim.

And one crazy August day,

I strung those three together,
and I did a triathlon.

I know - I was surprised too.

(Laughter)

And about two months later,

I did a half-marathon.

Most importantly, my son -

who's now six and heavy and wiggly -

I can pick him up.

And I'm not telling you this
because I'm some kind of athlete,

because, clearly,
that's not what's happening here.

I'm telling you this

because that day that I did that triathlon

was the most exciting day of my life.

Because it should never
have been my story;

it should not have been possible.

And what it helped me to realize that day

was that I,

that you,

all of us -

we can be anything we want.

We get our head clear,

and we begin to take steps.

And if you're doing those two things,

nothing can stop you.

Thank you.

(Applause)