Technology hasn't changed love. Here's why

I was recently traveling
in the Highlands of New Guinea,

and I was talking with a man
who had three wives.

And I asked him,

"How many wives would you like to have?"

And there was this long pause,

and I thought to myself,

"Is he going to say five?

Is going to say 10?

Is he going to say 25?"

And he leaned towards me

and he whispered, "None."

(Laughter)

86 percent of human societies
permit a man to have several wives:

polygeny.

But in the vast majority
of these cultures,

only about five or 10 percent of men
actually do have several wives.

Having several partners
can be a toothache.

In fact, co-wives can
fight with each other,

sometimes they can even poison
each others' children.

And you've got to have a lot of cows,

a lot of goats,

a lot of money,

a lot of land,

in order to build a harem.

We are a pair-bonding species.

97 percent of mammals do not
pair up to rear their young;

human beings do.

I'm not suggesting that we're not --

that we're necessarily sexually
faithful to our partners.

I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,

I [actually] understand
some the genetics of it,

and some of the brain circuitry of it.

It's very common around the world,

but we are built to love.

How is technology changing love?

I'm going to say almost not at all.

I study the brain.

I and my colleagues have put
over 100 people into a brain scanner --

people who had just
fallen happily in love,

people who had just
been rejected in love

and people who are in love long-term.

And it is possible
to remain "in love" long-term.

And I've long ago maintained

that we've evolved three distinctly
different brain systems

for mating and reproduction:

sex drive,

feelings of intense romantic love

and feelings of deep cosmic
attachment to a long-term partner.

And together,

these three brain systems --

with many other parts of the brain --

orchestrate our sexual, our romantic
and our family lives.

But they lie way below the cortex,

way below the limbic system
where we feel our emotions --

generate our emotions.

They lie in the most primitive
parts of the brain linked with energy,

focus,

craving,

motivation,

wanting

and drive.

In this case,

the drive to win life's greatest prize:

a mating partner.

They evolved over 4.4 million years ago
among our first ancestors,

and they're not going to change

if you sweep left of right on Tinder.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

There's no question that technology
is changing the way we court:

emailing, texting,

emojis to express your emotions,

sexting,

"liking" a photograph,

selfies,

we're seeing new rules
and taboos for how to court.

But, you know --

is this actually
dramatically changing love?

What about the late 1940s,

when the automobile became very popular

and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?

(Laughter)

How about the introduction
of the birth control pill?

Unchained from the great
threat of pregnancy and social ruin,

women could finally express
their primitive and primal sexuality.

Even dating sites are not changing love.

I'm chief scientific advisor to Match.com,

I've been it for 11 years.

I keep telling them --

and they agree with me --

that these are not dating sites,

they are introducing sites.

When you sit down in a bar,

in a coffee house,

on a park bench,

your ancient brain snaps into action
like a sleeping cat awakened,

and you smile,

and laugh,

and listen

and parade the way our ancestors
did 100,000 years ago.

(Laughter)

We can give you various people --

all the dating sites can --

but the only real algorithm
is your own human brain.

Technology is not going to change that.

Technology is also not going to change
who you choose to love.

I study the biology of personality,

and I've come to believe

that we've evolved four very broad
styles of thinking and behaving,

linked with the dopamine,

serotonin,

testosterone and estrogen systems.

So I created a questionnaire
directly from brain science

to measure the degree

to which you express the traits --

the constellation of traits --

linked with each
of these four brain systems.

I then put that questionnaire
on various match dating sites

in 40 countries,

14 million or more people
have now taken the questionnaire,

and I've been able to watch
who's naturally drawn to whom.

And as it turns out,

those who were very expressive
of the dopamine system --

they tend to be curious, creative,
spontaneous, energetic,

I would imagine there's an awful lot
of people like that in this room --

they're drawn to people like themselves.

Curious creative people need
people like themselves.

People who are very expressive
of the seratonin system

tend to be traditional, conventional,
they follow the rules,

they respect authority,

they tend to be religious --

religiosity is in the serotonin system --

and traditional people
go for traditional people.

In that way,

similarity attracts.

In the other two cases,

opposites attract.

People very expressive
of the testosterone system

tend to be analytical,
logical, direct, decisive,

and they go for their opposite:

they go for somebody who's high estrogen,

somebody who's got
very good verbal skills,

and people skills,

who's very intuitive

and who's very nurturing
and emotionally expressive.

We have natural patterns of mate choice.

Modern technology is not going
to change who we choose to love.

But technology is producing
one modern trend

that I find particularly important.

It's associated with the concept
of paradox of choice.

Millions of years,

we lived in little hunting
and gathering groups.

You didn't have the opportunity to choose
between 1,000 people on a dating site.

In fact, I've been studying this recently

and I actually think there's some
sort of sweet spot in the brain,

and I don't know what it is,

but there's apparently,

from reading a lot of the data --

we can embrace about
five to nine alternatives,

and after that,

you get into what academics
call "cognitive overload,"

and you don't choose any.

So I've come to think that due
to this cognitive overload,

we're ushering in a new form of courtship

that I call, "slow love."

I arrived at this during
my work with Match.com.

Every year for the last six years,

we've done a study called
"Singles in America."

We don't poll the Match population,

we poll the American population.

We use 5,000 plus people,

a representative sample of Americans
based on the US census.

We've got data now on over 30,000 people

and every single year,

I see some of the same patterns.

Every single year when I ask the question,

over 50 percent of people
who have had a one-night stand --

not necessarily last year
but in their lives --

50 percent have had
a friends with benefits

during the course of their lives,

and over 50 percent have lived
with a person long-term

before marrying.

Americans think that this is reckless.

I have doubted that for a long time;

the patterns are too strong,

there's got to be some
Darwinian explanation --

not that many people are crazy --

and so I stumbled then on a statistic
that really came home to me.

It was a very interesting academic article

in which I found that 67 percent
of singles in America today

who are living long-term with somebody,

have not yet married because
they are terrified of divorce.

They're terrified of the social,
legal, emotional,

economic consequences of divorce.

So I came to realize that I don't think
that this is recklessness,

I think that it's caution.

Today's singles want to know every
single thing about a partner

before they wed.

You learn a lot between the sheets:

not only about how somebody makes love,

but whether they're kind,

whether they can listen,

and at my age,

whether they've got a sense of humor.

(Laughter)

And in an age where we
have too many choices,

and we have very little fear
of pregnancy and disease,

and we've got no feeling of shame
for sex before marriage,

I think people are taking
their time to love.

And actually what's happening is --

what we're seeing is a real expansion
of the precommitment stage

before you tie the knot.

Where marriage used to be
the beginning of a relationship,

now it's the finale.

But the human brain --

(Laughter)

The human brain always triumphs,

and indeed in the United States today,

86 percent of Americans
will marry by age 49,

and even in cultures around the world
where they're not marrying as often,

they are settling down eventually
with a long-term partner.

So it began to occur to me --

during this long extension
of the precommitment stage,

if you can get rid of bad
relationships before you marry,

maybe we're going to see
more happy marriages.

So I did a study of 1100
married people in America --

not on Match.com, of course --

and I asked them a lot of questions,

but one of the questions was,

"Would you re-marry the person
you're currently married to?"

And 81 percent said, "yes."

In fact,

the greatest change in modern
romance and family life

is not technology --

it's not even slow love --

it's actually women piling into the job
market in cultures around the world.

For millions of years,

our ancestors lived in little
hunting and gathering groups.

Women commuted to work
to gather their fruits and vegetables.

They came home with 60 to 80
percent of the evening meal.

The double-income family was the rule.

And women were regarded as just
as economically,

socially

and sexually powerful as men.

Then the environment changed
some 10,000 years ago,

we began to settle down on the farm,

and both men and women,

they became obliged, really

to marry the right person,

from the right background,

from the right religion

and from the right kin and social
and political connections.

Men's jobs became more important:

they have to move the rocks,
fell the trees, plow the land.

They brought the produce
off to local markets

and came home with
the equivalent of money.

And along with this,

we see a rise of a host of beliefs.

The belief of virginity at marriage,

arragned marriages --

strictly arranged marriages --

the belief that the man
is the head of the household,

that the wife's place is in the home,

and most important:

honor thy husband,

and 'til death do us part.

These are gone.

They are going,

and in many places,

they are gone.

We are right now in a marriage revolution.

We are shedding 10,000 years
of our farming tradition

and moving forward towards egalitarian
relationships between the sexes,

something that I regard as highly
compatible with the ancient human spirit.

I'm not a Pollyanna;

there's a great deal to cry about.

I studied divorce in 80 cultures,

I studied, as I say, adultery in many --

there's a whole pile of problems.

As William Butler Yates,

the poet once said,

"Love is the crooked thing."

I would add,

"Nobody gets out alive."

(Laughter)

We all have problems.

But in fact,

I think the poet Randall Jerrell
really sums it up best.

He said, "The dark, uneasy
world of family life --

where the greatest can fail
and the humblest succeed."

But I will leave you with this:

love and attachment will prevail,

technology cannot change it.

And I will conclude by saying

that any understanding
of human relationships

must take into account

one the most powerful
determinants of human behavior:

the unquenchable,

adaptable,

and primordial human drive to love.

Thank you.

(Applause)

Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you
so much for that, Helen.

As you know, there's
another speaker here with us

that works in your same field.

She comes at it
from a different perspective.

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist
who works with couples.

You study data,

Esther studies the stories
the couples tell her

when they come to her for help.

Let's have her join us on the stage.

Esther?

(Applause)

So Esther,

when you were watching Helen's talk,

was there any part of it
that sort of resonated with you

through the lens of your own work

that you'd like the comment on?

EP: So it's interesting because
on the one hand,

the need for love
is ubiquitous and universal,

but the way we love --

the meaning we make out of it --

the rules that govern our relationships

I think are changing fundamentally.

We come from a model

that until now was primarily regulated
around duty and obligation,

and the needs for the collective,

and loyalty.

And we have shifted it
to a model of free choice

and individual rights,

and self-fulfillment and happiness.

And so that was the first thing I thought,

is that the need doesn't change,

but the context and the way we regulate
these relationships changes a lot.

On the paradox of choice --

so you know,

on the one hand we relish the novelty

and the playfulness I think,

to be able to have so many options.

And at the same time,

as you talk about this cognitive overload,

I see many, many people who ...

who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt

that comes with this [matter] of choice,

creating a case of "FOMO"

and then leading us --

FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,
or fear of missing out --

it's like, "How do I know
I have found the one --

the right one?"

So we've created what I call
this thing of "stable ambiguity."

Stable ambiguity is when
you are too afraid to be alone,

but also not really willing
to engage in intimacy-building.

It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong
the uncertainty of a relationship

but also the uncertainty of the breakup.

So here on the Internet
you have three major ones.

One is icing and simmering,

which are great stalling tactics

that offer a kind of holding pattern

that emphasizes the undefined
nature of a relationship,

but at the same time gives you
enough of a comforting consistency

and enough freedom
of the undefined boundaries.

(Laugther)

Yeah?

And then comes ghosting.

And ghosting is basically,

you know, you disappear from
this [matter] of texts on the spot,

and you don't have to deal with the pain
that you inflict on another

because you're making it
invisible even to yourself.

(Laughter)

Yeah?

So I was thinking --

these words came up for me
as I was listening to you --

like how a vocabulary
creates also a reality,

and at the same time,

that's my question to you.

Do you think when the context changes,

it still means that the nature
of love remains the same?

You study the brain and I study
people's relationships and stories,

so I think it's everything you say, plus.

But I don't always know

the degree to which a changing context --

does it at some point begin to change --

if the meaning changes,

does it change the need,

or is the need clear
of the entire context?

HF: Wow.

Well --

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Well, I've got three points here, right?

Well first of all to your first one:

there's no question that we've changed,

that we now want a personal love

and that for thousands of years
we had to marry the right person

from the right background
and the right connection.

And in fact,

in my studies of 5,000 people every year,

I ask them, "What are you looking for?"

And every single year
over 97 percent say --

EP: And this grows --

HF: Well, no.

The basic thing is
over 97 percent of people

want somebody that respects them,

somebody that they
can trust and confide in,

somebody who makes them laugh,

somebody who makes enough time for them

and somebody who they find
physically attractive.

That never changes.

And there's certainly --

you know there's two parts --

EP: But you know how I call that?

It's like, that's not
what people used to say --

HF: That's exactly right.

EP: They wanted somebody
with whom they have companionship,

economic support, children --

we went from a production economy
to a service economy --

(Laugther)

We did it in the larger culture
and we're doing it in marriage.

HF: There's no question about it,

but it's interesting,

millennials actually want
to be very good parents,

whereas the generation above them
wants to have a very fine marriage

but is not as focused
on being a good parent.

You see all of these nuances.

There's two basic parts of personality:

there's your culture --

everything you grew up to do
and believe and say --

and there's your temperament.

And basically what I've been
talking about is your temperament.

And that temperament is certainly
going to change with changing times

and changing beliefs.

And in terms of the paradox of choice,

there's no question about it,

that this is a pickle.

There were millions of years

where you found that sweet boy
at the other side of the water hole

and you went for it.

EP: Yes, but --

HF: I do want to say one more thing.

The bottom line is in hunting
and gathering societies,

they tended to have two or three
partners during the course of their lives.

I mean they weren't square.

And I'm not suggesting that we do,

but bottom line is we've
always had alternatives.

Mankind is always --

in fact the brain is well-built

to what we call equilibrate,

to try and decide:

do I come, do I stay?

Do I go, do I stay?

What are the opportunities here?

How do I handle this there?

And so I think we're seeing
another play out of that now.

KS: Well, thank you both so much.

[I think you're going to have]
a million dinner partners for tonight.

(Applause)

Thank you, thank you.