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I was recently traveling
in the Highlands of New Guinea,

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and I was talking with a man
who had three wives.

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And I asked him,

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"How many wives would you like to have?"

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And there was this long pause,

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and I thought to myself,

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"Is he going to say five?

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Is going to say 10?

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Is he going to say 25?"

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And he leaned towards me

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and he whispered, "None."

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(Laughter)

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86 percent of human societies
permit a man to have several wives:

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polygeny.

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But in the vast majority
of these cultures,

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only about five or 10 percent of men
actually do have several wives.

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Having several partners
can be a toothache.

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In fact, co-wives can
fight with each other,

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sometimes they can even poison
each others' children.

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And you've got to have a lot of cows,

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a lot of goats,

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a lot of money,

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a lot of land,

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in order to build a harem.

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We are a pair-bonding species.

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97 percent of mammals do not
pair up to rear their young;

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human beings do.

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I'm not suggesting that we're not --

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that we're necessarily sexually
faithful to our partners.

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I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,

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I [actually] understand
some the genetics of it,

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and some of the brain circuitry of it.

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It's very common around the world,

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but we are built to love.

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How is technology changing love?

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I'm going to say almost not at all.

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I study the brain.

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I and my colleagues have put
over 100 people into a brain scanner --

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people who had just
fallen happily in love,

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people who had just
been rejected in love

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and people who are in love long-term.

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And it is possible
to remain "in love" long-term.

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And I've long ago maintained

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that we've evolved three distinctly
different brain systems

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for mating and reproduction:

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sex drive,

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feelings of intense romantic love

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and feelings of deep cosmic
attachment to a long-term partner.

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And together,

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these three brain systems --

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with many other parts of the brain --

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orchestrate our sexual, our romantic
and our family lives.

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But they lie way below the cortex,

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way below the limbic system
where we feel our emotions --

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generate our emotions.

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They lie in the most primitive
parts of the brain linked with energy,

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focus,

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craving,

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motivation,

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wanting

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and drive.

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In this case,

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the drive to win life's greatest prize:

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a mating partner.

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They evolved over 4.4 million years ago
among our first ancestors,

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and they're not going to change

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if you sweep left of right on Tinder.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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There's no question that technology
is changing the way we court:

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emailing, texting,

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emojis to express your emotions,

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sexting,

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"liking" a photograph,

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selfies,

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we're seeing new rules
and taboos for how to court.

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But, you know --

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is this actually
dramatically changing love?

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What about the late 1940s,

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when the automobile became very popular

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and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?

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(Laughter)

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How about the introduction
of the birth control pill?

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Unchained from the great
threat of pregnancy and social ruin,

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women could finally express
their primitive and primal sexuality.

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Even dating sites are not changing love.

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I'm chief scientific advisor to Match.com,

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I've been it for 11 years.

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I keep telling them --

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and they agree with me --

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that these are not dating sites,

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they are introducing sites.

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When you sit down in a bar,

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in a coffee house,

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on a park bench,

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your ancient brain snaps into action
like a sleeping cat awakened,

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and you smile,

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and laugh,

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and listen

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and parade the way our ancestors
did 100,000 years ago.

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(Laughter)

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We can give you various people --

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all the dating sites can --

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but the only real algorithm
is your own human brain.

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Technology is not going to change that.

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Technology is also not going to change
who you choose to love.

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I study the biology of personality,

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and I've come to believe

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that we've evolved four very broad
styles of thinking and behaving,

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linked with the dopamine,

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serotonin,

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testosterone and estrogen systems.

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So I created a questionnaire
directly from brain science

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to measure the degree

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to which you express the traits --

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the constellation of traits --

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linked with each
of these four brain systems.

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I then put that questionnaire
on various match dating sites

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in 40 countries,

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14 million or more people
have now taken the questionnaire,

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and I've been able to watch
who's naturally drawn to whom.

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And as it turns out,

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those who were very expressive
of the dopamine system --

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they tend to be curious, creative,
spontaneous, energetic,

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I would imagine there's an awful lot
of people like that in this room --

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they're drawn to people like themselves.

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Curious creative people need
people like themselves.

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People who are very expressive
of the seratonin system

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tend to be traditional, conventional,
they follow the rules,

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they respect authority,

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they tend to be religious --

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religiosity is in the serotonin system --

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and traditional people
go for traditional people.

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In that way,

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similarity attracts.

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In the other two cases,

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opposites attract.

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People very expressive
of the testosterone system

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tend to be analytical,
logical, direct, decisive,

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and they go for their opposite:

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they go for somebody who's high estrogen,

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somebody who's got
very good verbal skills,

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and people skills,

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who's very intuitive

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and who's very nurturing
and emotionally expressive.

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We have natural patterns of mate choice.

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Modern technology is not going
to change who we choose to love.

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But technology is producing
one modern trend

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that I find particularly important.

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It's associated with the concept
of paradox of choice.

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Millions of years,

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we lived in little hunting
and gathering groups.

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You didn't have the opportunity to choose
between 1,000 people on a dating site.

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In fact, I've been studying this recently

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and I actually think there's some
sort of sweet spot in the brain,

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and I don't know what it is,

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but there's apparently,

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from reading a lot of the data --

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we can embrace about
five to nine alternatives,

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and after that,

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you get into what academics
call "cognitive overload,"

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and you don't choose any.

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So I've come to think that due
to this cognitive overload,

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we're ushering in a new form of courtship

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that I call, "slow love."

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I arrived at this during
my work with Match.com.

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Every year for the last six years,

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we've done a study called
"Singles in America."

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We don't poll the Match population,

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we poll the American population.

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We use 5,000 plus people,

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a representative sample of Americans
based on the US census.

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We've got data now on over 30,000 people

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and every single year,

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I see some of the same patterns.

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Every single year when I ask the question,

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over 50 percent of people
who have had a one-night stand --

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not necessarily last year
but in their lives --

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50 percent have had
a friends with benefits

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during the course of their lives,

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and over 50 percent have lived
with a person long-term

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before marrying.

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Americans think that this is reckless.

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I have doubted that for a long time;

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the patterns are too strong,

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there's got to be some
Darwinian explanation --

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not that many people are crazy --

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and so I stumbled then on a statistic
that really came home to me.

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It was a very interesting academic article

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in which I found that 67 percent
of singles in America today

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who are living long-term with somebody,

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have not yet married because
they are terrified of divorce.

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They're terrified of the social,
legal, emotional,

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economic consequences of divorce.

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So I came to realize that I don't think
that this is recklessness,

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I think that it's caution.

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Today's singles want to know every
single thing about a partner

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before they wed.

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You learn a lot between the sheets:

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not only about how somebody makes love,

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but whether they're kind,

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whether they can listen,

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and at my age,

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whether they've got a sense of humor.

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(Laughter)

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And in an age where we
have too many choices,

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and we have very little fear
of pregnancy and disease,

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and we've got no feeling of shame
for sex before marriage,

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I think people are taking
their time to love.

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And actually what's happening is --

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what we're seeing is a real expansion
of the precommitment stage

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before you tie the knot.

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Where marriage used to be
the beginning of a relationship,

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now it's the finale.

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But the human brain --

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(Laughter)

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The human brain always triumphs,

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and indeed in the United States today,

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86 percent of Americans
will marry by age 49,

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and even in cultures around the world
where they're not marrying as often,

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they are settling down eventually
with a long-term partner.

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So it began to occur to me --

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during this long extension
of the precommitment stage,

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if you can get rid of bad
relationships before you marry,

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maybe we're going to see
more happy marriages.

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So I did a study of 1100
married people in America --

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not on Match.com, of course --

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and I asked them a lot of questions,

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but one of the questions was,

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"Would you re-marry the person
you're currently married to?"

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And 81 percent said, "yes."

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In fact,

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the greatest change in modern
romance and family life

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is not technology --

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it's not even slow love --

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it's actually women piling into the job
market in cultures around the world.

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For millions of years,

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our ancestors lived in little
hunting and gathering groups.

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Women commuted to work
to gather their fruits and vegetables.

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They came home with 60 to 80
percent of the evening meal.

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The double-income family was the rule.

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And women were regarded as just
as economically,

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socially

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and sexually powerful as men.

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Then the environment changed
some 10,000 years ago,

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we began to settle down on the farm,

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and both men and women,

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they became obliged, really

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to marry the right person,

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from the right background,

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from the right religion

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and from the right kin and social
and political connections.

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Men's jobs became more important:

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they have to move the rocks,
fell the trees, plow the land.

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They brought the produce
off to local markets

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and came home with
the equivalent of money.

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And along with this,

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we see a rise of a host of beliefs.

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The belief of virginity at marriage,

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arragned marriages --

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strictly arranged marriages --

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the belief that the man
is the head of the household,

263
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,502
that the wife's place is in the home,

264
00:11:04,502 --> 00:11:05,678
and most important:

265
00:11:05,678 --> 00:11:07,062
honor thy husband,

266
00:11:07,062 --> 00:11:08,799
and 'til death do us part.

267
00:11:08,799 --> 00:11:10,641
These are gone.

268
00:11:10,641 --> 00:11:11,730
They are going,

269
00:11:11,730 --> 00:11:13,069
and in many places,

270
00:11:13,069 --> 00:11:14,619
they are gone.

271
00:11:14,619 --> 00:11:17,554
We are right now in a marriage revolution.

272
00:11:17,963 --> 00:11:22,639
We are shedding 10,000 years
of our farming tradition

273
00:11:22,639 --> 00:11:28,288
and moving forward towards egalitarian
relationships between the sexes,

274
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:33,103
something that I regard as highly
compatible with the ancient human spirit.

275
00:11:33,745 --> 00:11:35,582
I'm not a Pollyanna;

276
00:11:35,582 --> 00:11:37,288
there's a great deal to cry about.

277
00:11:37,288 --> 00:11:39,080
I studied divorce in 80 cultures,

278
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,210
I studied, as I say, adultery in many --

279
00:11:41,210 --> 00:11:42,939
there's a whole pile of problems.

280
00:11:42,939 --> 00:11:44,852
As William Butler Yates,

281
00:11:44,852 --> 00:11:46,412
the poet once said,

282
00:11:46,412 --> 00:11:49,386
"Love is the crooked thing."

283
00:11:49,386 --> 00:11:50,389
I would add,

284
00:11:50,389 --> 00:11:52,203
"Nobody gets out alive."

285
00:11:52,203 --> 00:11:53,199
(Laughter)

286
00:11:53,199 --> 00:11:54,718
We all have problems.

287
00:11:55,099 --> 00:11:56,099
But in fact,


288
00:11:56,099 --> 00:11:58,713
I think the poet Randall Jerrell
really sums it up best.

289
00:11:58,713 --> 00:12:03,751
He said, "The dark, uneasy
world of family life --

290
00:12:03,751 --> 00:12:08,453
where the greatest can fail
and the humblest succeed."

291
00:12:08,891 --> 00:12:10,935
But I will leave you with this:

292
00:12:10,935 --> 00:12:13,625
love and attachment will prevail,

293
00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:16,103
technology cannot change it.

294
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,861
And I will conclude by saying

295
00:12:17,861 --> 00:12:21,422
that any understanding
of human relationships

296
00:12:21,422 --> 00:12:23,431
must take into account

297
00:12:23,431 --> 00:12:27,611
one the most powerful
determinants of human behavior:

298
00:12:27,611 --> 00:12:29,504
the unquenchable,

299
00:12:29,504 --> 00:12:31,218
adaptable,

300
00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:34,034
and primordial human drive to love.

301
00:12:34,034 --> 00:12:35,209
Thank you.

302
00:12:35,209 --> 00:12:38,231
(Applause)

303
00:12:40,074 --> 00:12:42,528
Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you
so much for that, Helen.

304
00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:44,864
As you know, there's
another speaker here with us

305
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:46,477
that works in your same field.

306
00:12:46,822 --> 00:12:49,191
She comes at it
from a different perspective.

307
00:12:49,191 --> 00:12:53,478
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist
who works with couples.

308
00:12:53,837 --> 00:12:55,153
You study data,

309
00:12:55,153 --> 00:12:57,791
Esther studies the stories
the couples tell her

310
00:12:57,791 --> 00:12:59,523
when they come to her for help.

311
00:12:59,754 --> 00:13:01,478
Let's have her join us on the stage.

312
00:13:01,478 --> 00:13:02,484
Esther?

313
00:13:02,970 --> 00:13:04,453
(Applause)

314
00:13:10,503 --> 00:13:11,861
So Esther,

315
00:13:11,861 --> 00:13:14,101
when you were watching Helen's talk,

316
00:13:14,101 --> 00:13:16,746
was there any part of it
that sort of resonated with you

317
00:13:16,746 --> 00:13:18,332
through the lens of your own work

318
00:13:18,332 --> 00:13:19,994
that you'd like the comment on?

319
00:13:20,396 --> 00:13:23,840
EP: So it's interesting because
on the one hand,

320
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:28,179
the need for love
is ubiquitous and universal,

321
00:13:28,179 --> 00:13:30,132
but the way we love --

322
00:13:30,132 --> 00:13:31,686
the meaning we make out of it --

323
00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,832
the rules that govern our relationships

324
00:13:33,832 --> 00:13:35,809
I think are changing fundamentally.

325
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,839
We come from a model

326
00:13:37,839 --> 00:13:42,318
that until now was primarily regulated
around duty and obligation,

327
00:13:42,318 --> 00:13:43,897
and the needs for the collective,

328
00:13:43,897 --> 00:13:44,969
and loyalty.

329
00:13:44,969 --> 00:13:47,869
And we have shifted it
to a model of free choice

330
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:51,104
and individual rights,

331
00:13:51,104 --> 00:13:53,707
and self-fulfillment and happiness.

332
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:55,927
And so that was the first thing I thought,

333
00:13:55,927 --> 00:13:58,016
is that the need doesn't change,

334
00:13:58,016 --> 00:14:02,502
but the context and the way we regulate
these relationships changes a lot.

335
00:14:02,764 --> 00:14:05,784
On the paradox of choice --

336
00:14:05,784 --> 00:14:07,333
so you know,

337
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:09,299
on the one hand we relish the novelty

338
00:14:09,299 --> 00:14:11,039
and the playfulness I think,

339
00:14:11,039 --> 00:14:13,591
to be able to have so many options.

340
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:15,034
And at the same time,

341
00:14:15,034 --> 00:14:17,471
as you talk about this cognitive overload,

342
00:14:17,471 --> 00:14:22,677
I see many, many people who ...

343
00:14:22,677 --> 00:14:26,775
who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt

344
00:14:26,775 --> 00:14:29,285
that comes with this [matter] of choice,

345
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,697
creating a case of "FOMO"

346
00:14:31,697 --> 00:14:33,258
and then leading us --

347
00:14:33,258 --> 00:14:36,675
FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,
or fear of missing out --

348
00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:39,640
it's like, "How do I know
I have found the one --

349
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:40,770
the right one?"

350
00:14:40,770 --> 00:14:44,453
So we've created what I call
this thing of "stable ambiguity."

351
00:14:44,799 --> 00:14:48,578
Stable ambiguity is when
you are too afraid to be alone,

352
00:14:48,578 --> 00:14:52,586
but also not really willing
to engage in intimacy-building.

353
00:14:52,586 --> 00:14:57,857
It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong
the uncertainty of a relationship

354
00:14:57,857 --> 00:15:00,487
but also the uncertainty of the breakup.

355
00:15:00,487 --> 00:15:03,590
So here on the Internet
you have three major ones.

356
00:15:03,590 --> 00:15:06,094
One is icing and simmering,

357
00:15:06,094 --> 00:15:08,706
which are great stalling tactics

358
00:15:08,706 --> 00:15:11,206
that offer a kind of holding pattern

359
00:15:11,206 --> 00:15:15,265
that emphasizes the undefined
nature of a relationship,

360
00:15:15,265 --> 00:15:19,395
but at the same time gives you
enough of a comforting consistency

361
00:15:19,395 --> 00:15:22,010
and enough freedom
of the undefined boundaries.

362
00:15:22,418 --> 00:15:24,268
(Laugther)

363
00:15:24,268 --> 00:15:25,344
Yeah?

364
00:15:25,344 --> 00:15:27,098
And then comes ghosting.

365
00:15:27,098 --> 00:15:29,039
And ghosting is basically,

366
00:15:29,039 --> 00:15:33,671
you know, you disappear from
this [matter] of texts on the spot,

367
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:37,479
and you don't have to deal with the pain
that you inflict on another

368
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:40,217
because you're making it
invisible even to yourself.

369
00:15:40,217 --> 00:15:41,215
(Laughter)

370
00:15:41,215 --> 00:15:42,223
Yeah?

371
00:15:42,223 --> 00:15:43,909
So I was thinking --

372
00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:47,279
these words came up for me
as I was listening to you --

373
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:52,212
like how a vocabulary
creates also a reality,

374
00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:53,997
and at the same time,

375
00:15:53,997 --> 00:15:55,704
that's my question to you.

376
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,751
Do you think when the context changes,

377
00:15:58,751 --> 00:16:02,414
it still means that the nature
of love remains the same?

378
00:16:02,414 --> 00:16:06,648
You study the brain and I study
people's relationships and stories,

379
00:16:06,648 --> 00:16:10,826
so I think it's everything you say, plus.

380
00:16:10,826 --> 00:16:12,326
But I don't always know

381
00:16:12,326 --> 00:16:15,538
the degree to which a changing context --

382
00:16:15,538 --> 00:16:18,250
does it at some point begin to change --

383
00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:19,459
if the meaning changes,

384
00:16:19,459 --> 00:16:20,881
does it change the need,

385
00:16:20,881 --> 00:16:23,596
or is the need clear
of the entire context?

386
00:16:23,797 --> 00:16:24,966
HF: Wow.

387
00:16:24,966 --> 00:16:26,056
Well --

388
00:16:26,056 --> 00:16:27,696
(Laughter)

389
00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:29,713
(Applause)

390
00:16:31,245 --> 00:16:34,213
Well, I've got three points here, right?

391
00:16:34,871 --> 00:16:36,586
Well first of all to your first one:

392
00:16:36,586 --> 00:16:38,442
there's no question that we've changed,

393
00:16:38,442 --> 00:16:39,984
that we now want a personal love

394
00:16:39,984 --> 00:16:42,981
and that for thousands of years
we had to marry the right person

395
00:16:42,981 --> 00:16:45,387
from the right background
and the right connection.

396
00:16:45,387 --> 00:16:46,394
And in fact,

397
00:16:46,394 --> 00:16:48,959
in my studies of 5,000 people every year,

398
00:16:48,959 --> 00:16:51,070
I ask them, "What are you looking for?"

399
00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:54,017
And every single year
over 97 percent say --

400
00:16:54,017 --> 00:16:55,354
EP: And this grows --

401
00:16:55,354 --> 00:16:56,352
HF: Well, no.

402
00:16:56,352 --> 00:16:59,499
The basic thing is
over 97 percent of people

403
00:16:59,499 --> 00:17:01,736
want somebody that respects them,

404
00:17:01,736 --> 00:17:04,190
somebody that they
can trust and confide in,

405
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,960
somebody who makes them laugh,

406
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,832
somebody who makes enough time for them

407
00:17:07,832 --> 00:17:11,374
and somebody who they find
physically attractive.

408
00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,031
That never changes.

409
00:17:13,031 --> 00:17:14,891
And there's certainly --

410
00:17:14,891 --> 00:17:16,270
you know there's two parts --

411
00:17:16,270 --> 00:17:17,873
EP: But you know how I call that?

412
00:17:17,873 --> 00:17:20,146
It's like, that's not
what people used to say --

413
00:17:20,146 --> 00:17:21,399
HF: That's exactly right.

414
00:17:21,399 --> 00:17:24,193
EP: They wanted somebody
with whom they have companionship,

415
00:17:24,193 --> 00:17:25,576
economic support, children --

416
00:17:25,576 --> 00:17:28,267
we went from a production economy
to a service economy --

417
00:17:28,267 --> 00:17:29,274
(Laugther)

418
00:17:29,274 --> 00:17:32,221
We did it in the larger culture
and we're doing it in marriage.

419
00:17:32,221 --> 00:17:33,798
HF: There's no question about it,

420
00:17:33,798 --> 00:17:34,808
but it's interesting,

421
00:17:34,808 --> 00:17:37,765
millennials actually want
to be very good parents,

422
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:42,177
whereas the generation above them
wants to have a very fine marriage

423
00:17:42,177 --> 00:17:44,855
but is not as focused
on being a good parent.

424
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,594
You see all of these nuances.

425
00:17:46,594 --> 00:17:49,173
There's two basic parts of personality:

426
00:17:49,173 --> 00:17:50,267
there's your culture --

427
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:52,690
everything you grew up to do
and believe and say --

428
00:17:52,690 --> 00:17:54,083
and there's your temperament.

429
00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:57,032
And basically what I've been
talking about is your temperament.

430
00:17:57,032 --> 00:18:00,273
And that temperament is certainly
going to change with changing times

431
00:18:00,273 --> 00:18:02,123
and changing beliefs.

432
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:05,166
And in terms of the paradox of choice,

433
00:18:05,166 --> 00:18:06,562
there's no question about it,

434
00:18:06,562 --> 00:18:07,721
that this is a pickle.

435
00:18:07,721 --> 00:18:09,058
There were millions of years

436
00:18:09,058 --> 00:18:12,173
where you found that sweet boy
at the other side of the water hole

437
00:18:12,173 --> 00:18:13,196
and you went for it.

438
00:18:13,196 --> 00:18:14,203
EP: Yes, but --

439
00:18:14,203 --> 00:18:16,365
HF: I do want to say one more thing.

440
00:18:16,365 --> 00:18:18,920
The bottom line is in hunting
and gathering societies,

441
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,436
they tended to have two or three
partners during the course of their lives.

442
00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:23,769
I mean they weren't square.

443
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,391
And I'm not suggesting that we do,

444
00:18:25,391 --> 00:18:29,631
but bottom line is we've
always had alternatives.

445
00:18:29,631 --> 00:18:31,204
Mankind is always --

446
00:18:31,204 --> 00:18:32,961
in fact the brain is well-built

447
00:18:32,961 --> 00:18:34,304
to what we call equilibrate,

448
00:18:34,304 --> 00:18:35,356
to try and decide:

449
00:18:35,356 --> 00:18:36,489
do I come, do I stay?

450
00:18:36,489 --> 00:18:38,061
Do I go, do I stay?

451
00:18:38,061 --> 00:18:39,585
What are the opportunities here?

452
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:40,880
How do I handle this there?

453
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:44,171
And so I think we're seeing
another play out of that now.

454
00:18:44,171 --> 00:18:45,767
KS: Well, thank you both so much.

455
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:49,050
[I think you're going to have] 
a million dinner partners for tonight.

456
00:18:49,050 --> 00:18:50,861
(Applause)

457
00:18:50,861 --> 00:18:52,042
Thank you, thank you.