Sex needs a new metaphor. Here's one ...

For some reason, says educator Al Vernacchio, the metaphors for talking about sex in the US all come from baseball -- scoring, getting to first base, etc. The problem is, this frames sex as a competition, with a winner and a loser. Instead, he suggests a new metaphor, one that's more about shared pleasure, discussion and agreement, fulfillment and enjoyment. Let's talk about … pizza.

I'd like to talk to you today

about a whole new way to think
about sexual activity

and sexuality education, by comparison.

If you talk to someone today in America

about sexual activity,

you'll find pretty soon
you're not just talking

about sexual activity.

You're also talking about baseball.

Because baseball is the dominant
cultural metaphor

that Americans use to think about

and talk about sexual activity,

and we know that because there's

all this language in English

that seems to be talking about baseball

but that's really talking
about sexual activity.

So, for example, you can
be a pitcher or a catcher,

and that corresponds to whether you

perform a sexual act
or receive a sexual act.

Of course, there are the bases,

which refer to specific sexual activities

that happen in a very specific order,

ultimately resulting in scoring a run

or hitting a home run,

which is usually having
vaginal intercourse

to the point of orgasm,

at least for the guy.

(Laughter)

You can strike out, which means

you don't get to have any sexual activity.

And if you're a benchwarmer,

you might be a virgin or somebody who for

whatever reason isn't in the game,

maybe because of your age
or because of your ability

or because of your skillset.

A bat's a penis,

and a nappy dugout
is a vulva, or a vagina.

A glove or a catcher's mitt is a condom.

A switch-hitter is a bisexual person,

and we gay and lesbian folks
play for the other team.

And then there's this one:

"if there's grass
on the field, play ball."

And that usually refers to

if a young person, specifically
often a young woman,

is old enough to have pubic hair,

she's old enough to have sex with.

This baseball model
is incredibly problematic.

It's sexist. It's heterosexist.

It's competitive. It's goal-directed.

And it can't result in healthy sexuality

developing in young people or in adults.

So we need a new model.

I'm here today to offer
you that new model.

And it's based on

pizza.

Now pizza is something
that is universally understood

and that most people associate
with a positive experience.

So let's do this.

Let's take baseball
and pizza and compare it

when talking about three aspects
of sexual activity:

the trigger for sexual activity,

what happens during sexual activity,

and the expected outcome
of sexual activity.

So when do you play baseball?

You play baseball when
it's baseball season

and when there's a game on the schedule.

It's not exactly your choice.

So if it's prom night or a wedding night

or at a party or if our parents
aren't home,

hey, it's just batter up.

Can you imagine saying to your coach,

"Uh, I'm not really feeling it today,

I think I'll sit this game out."

That's just not the way it happens.

And when you get together
to play baseball,

immediately you're
with two opposing teams,

one playing offense, one playing defense,

somebody's trying to move
deeper into the field.

That's usually a sign to the boy.

Somebody's trying to defend
people moving into the field.

That's often given to the girl.

It's competitive.

We're not playing with each other.

We're playing against each other.

And when you show up to play baseball,

nobody needs to talk
about what we're going to do

or how this baseball game
might be good for us.

Everybody knows the rules.

You just take your position
and play the game.

But when do you have pizza?

Well, you have pizza when
you're hungry for pizza.

It starts with an internal sense,
an internal desire, or a need.

"Huh. I could go for some pizza."

(Laughter)

And because it's an internal desire,

we actually have some sense
of control over that.

I could decide that I'm hungry

but know that it's not
a great time to eat.

And then when we get together
with someone for pizza,

we're not competing with them,

we're looking for an experience

that both of us will share

that's satisfying for both of us,

and when you get together
for pizza with somebody,

what's the first thing you do?

You talk about it.

You talk about what you want.

You talk about what you like.

You may even negotiate it.

"How do you feel
about pepperoni?" (Laughter)

"Not so much, I'm kind
of a mushroom guy myself."

"Well, maybe we can go half and half."

And even if you've had pizza with somebody

for a very long time,

don't you still say things like,

"Should we get the usual?"

(Laughter)

"Or maybe something
a little more adventurous?"

Okay, so when you're playing baseball,

so if we talk
about during sexual activity,

when you're playing baseball,

you're just supposed to round the bases

in the proper order one at a time.

You can't hit the ball
and run to right field.

That doesn't work.

And you also can't get
to second base and say,

"I like it here. I'm going to stay here."

No.

And also, of course,
with baseball, there's, like,

the specific equipment
and a specific skill set.

Not everybody can play baseball.
It's pretty exclusive.

Okay, but what about pizza?

When we're trying to figure
out what's good for pizza,

isn't it all about what's our pleasure?

There are a million different
kinds of pizza.

There's a million different toppings.

There's a million different
ways to eat pizza.

And none of them are wrong.
They're different.

And in this case, difference is good,

because that's going
to increase the chance

that we're having a satisfying experience.

And lastly, what's the expected
outcome of baseball?

Well, in baseball, you play to win.

You score as many runs as you can.

There's always a winner in baseball,

and that means there's always
a loser in baseball.

But what about pizza?

Well, in pizza, we're not really --

there's no winning. How do you win pizza?

You don't. But you do look for,

"Are we satisfied?"

And sometimes that can
be different amounts

over different times
or with different people

or on different days.

And we get to decide
when we feel satisfied.

If we're still hungry,
we might have some more.

If you eat too much, though,

you just feel gross.

(Laughter)

So what if we could take this pizza model

and overlay it on top
of sexuality education?

A lot of sexuality education
that happens today

is so influenced by the baseball model,

and it sets up education that can't help

but produce unhealthy
sexuality in young people.

And those young people
become older people.

But if we could create sexuality education

that was more like pizza,

we could create education
that invites people

to think about their own desires,

to make deliberate decisions
about what they want,

to talk about it with their partners,

and to ultimately look for

not some external outcome

but for what feels satisfying,

and we get to decide that.

You may have noticed

in the baseball and pizza comparison,

under the baseball, it's all commands.

They're all exclamation points.

But under the pizza
model, they're questions.

And who gets to answer those questions?

You do. I do.

So remember, when we're thinking about

sexuality education and sexual activity,

baseball, you're out.

Pizza is the way to think about healthy,

satisfying sexual activity,

and good, comprehensive
sexuality education.

Thank you very much for your time.

(Applause)