The space between self-esteem and self-compassion | Kristin Neff | TEDxCentennialParkWomen

With an atmosphere of loving and kindness, Dr. Kristin Neff talks about self-compassion: how it can help people to become more and more positive, how it can transform one's life, and how it is fundamentally different than the traditional concept of self-esteem.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

I guess you could say
that I am a self-compassion evangelist.

I love spreading the good word
about self-compassion.

I've devoted the last ten years
of my research career

to studying the mental health benefits
of self-compassion,

and more recently I've been working
on developing interventions to help people

learn to be more compassionate
to themselves in their lives.

And the reason I'm so passionate
about self-compassion

is because I have really seen
its power in my own life.

I first learned
about self-compassion in 1997,

when I was finishing up
my PhD at UC Berkeley.

I was going through a really hard time.

I had just gotten out
of a very messy divorce

with feeling of a lot of shame
and self-judgment.

I was feeling a lot of stress.

Would I finish my PhD?

And if I did, would I get a job?

So, I thought it would be a good time
to learn how to practice meditation.

So I signed up with a local
Buddhist meditation group.

And the very first evening,
the very first course,

the woman leading the group talked
about the importance of compassion,

not only for others,
but also for ourselves,

the importance of including ourselves
in the circle of compassion,

of treating ourselves with the same
kindness, care, and concern

that we treat a good friend.

And it was like a light bulb went off
over my head at that moment.

I realized - well, first I thought, what?

You're allowed to be nice yourself,
and this is being encouraged?

But I realized,

it was exactly what I needed
in that difficult moment in my life.

So really, from that day forward,

I can say I intentionally tried
to be more compassionate to myself,

and it made a huge difference
almost immediately.

And then, luckily, I did get a job;
I did two years of postdoctoral study

with one of the country's leading
self-esteem researchers.

And while working with her,
I started to realize that self-compassion

offered a lot of benefits
that self-esteem didn't.

Let me start by defining
what I mean by self-esteem.

Self-esteem is a global evaluation
of self-worth, a judgment:

"Am I a good person, or I'm a bad person?"

And for many years,
psychologists really saw self-esteem

as the ultimate marker
of psychological health,

and there's a reason for that.

There's lots of research
that shows if you have low self-esteem,

if you hate yourself,
you're going to be depressed,

you're going to be anxious,

you're going to have all sorts
of psychological problems;

if it gets really bad,
you might even consider suicide.

However, high self-esteem
also can be problematic.

The problem is not if you have it;

it's how you get it.

In American culture,

(Laughter)

to have high self-esteem,

we have to feel special and above-average.

Okay.

If I told anyone of you,
your work performance,

"Oh, it's average,"
or "you are an average mother,"

or if you told me afterward
that this talk was average,

I'd be crashed, right?

It's not okay to be average.

It's considered an insult to be average.

So what's the problem with that?

If all of us have to be above average
at the same time, right?

Are the words "logical impossibility"
springing to mind here, right?

So what happens if we all
have to feel above-average?

As we started playing these little games,

we start suddenly finding ways
to puff ourselves up and put others down

so we can feel better
about ourselves in comparison.

And some people actually
take this to an extreme.

You may or may not know,

but there is an epidemic
of narcissism in this culture.

We've been tracking the narcissism levels
of college undergraduates

for the past 25 years,

and they are at the highest
levels ever recorded,

and actually a lot of psychologists

believe this is because of
the self-esteem movement in the schools.

And there are a lot
of nasty social dynamics

that can stem from needing
to feel better than others

to feel good about ourselves.

We also have an epidemic
of bullying in our culture in our schools.

Why do kids bully?

Why do kids who are forming
their sense of self

feel they've got to bully others?

It's partly to build
their own sense of self-esteem,

to feel that they are stronger,
more powerful

than these other kids
that they're picking on.

Or why are people prejudiced?

Why do we feel that our religious group,
or ethnic group, or political party

is better than the other group?

Partly, in order to enhance
our own self-esteem.

Another problem with self-esteem
is that it's contingent on success.

We only feel good about ourselves
when we succeed in those domains of life

that are important to us.

But what happens when we fail?

What happens when we don't meet
our ideal standards?

We feel lousy,

we feel terrible about ourselves.

And for women this is especially hard

because what do you think
research shows, around the world,

the number-one domain
in which women invest their self-esteem?

(Laughter)

Right?

Our perception of how attractive we are.

And the standards for women are so high.

How can we feel above average in looks?
We're looking at all these supermodels.

Even the supermodels feel insecure
compared to other supermodels, right?

It's very interesting
if you look at this developmentally.

Around third grade, boys and girls
both think they're pretty attractive,

and they have fairly high
levels of self-esteem.

Then for boys,
about the end of sixth grade:

yeah, looking pretty good,
feeling pretty good.

End of high school: looking good,
feeling good about myself.

But for girls, after third grade ...

their perception
of how attractive they are,

and therefore their self-esteem,
starts to take a nosedive.

It starts very young.

So how do we get off this treadmill,

this constant need
to feel better than others

so that we can feel good about ourselves?

That's where self-compassion comes in.

Self-compassion is not a way
of judging ourselves positively,

self-compassion is a way
of relating to ourselves kindly,

embracing ourselves
as we are: flaws and all.

I actually define
self-compassion in my research

as having three core components.

The first, you might say,
is the most obvious,

and that is treating ourselves
with kindness versus harsh self-judgment.

Treating ourselves
like we treat a good friend,

with encouragement, understanding,
empathy, patience, gentleness.

But if you stop to check in
with how we treat ourselves,

especially on a bad day
when things aren't going so well,

we're often harsher and more cruel
to ourselves in the language we use.

We say things to ourselves

we would never say
to someone we cared about.

We say things to ourselves

we probably even wouldn’t say
to someone we didn't like very much.

We are often our own worst enemy.

With self-compassion,
we reverse that pattern

and start treating ourselves
like we treat our good friends.

The second component of self-compassion

is common humanity.

Where self-esteem asks,
"How am I different than others?"

Self-compassion says,
"Well, how am I same as others?"

And one of the ways
we are the same as others -

What does it mean to be human?

To be human means to be imperfect.

All of us, everyone on the entire globe,

we are imperfect as people,
and our lives are imperfect.

That is the shared human experience.

Often what happens, though, irrationally,

when we notice something about ourselves -

we haven't reached our goal,
or we're struggling in life -

we feel as if, "Something
has gone wrong here."

"This is abnormal."
"This shouldn't be this way."

"I shouldn't be failing
to reach my goals."

And it's that feeling of abnormality,
of separation from others,

that is so psychologically damaging.

We make it so much worse

by feeling we're isolated
in our suffering and our imperfection,

when in fact, that's precisely
what connects us to other people.

The third component
of self-compassion is mindfulness.

Mindfulness means being
with what is in the present moment.

And we need to be able
to turn toward, acknowledge, validate,

and accept the fact that we are suffering

in order to give ourselves compassion.

Actually, oftentimes we aren't
aware of our own suffering,

especially when that suffering
comes from our own harsh self-criticism.

We get so lost in the role of self-critic,

so identified with the part of ourselves
that puts the back up straight, saying,

"You are wrong,
you should have done better."

But we don't even notice

the incredible pain
we're causing ourselves.

And if we don't notice

what we're doing to ourselves
with our harsh self-criticism,

we can't give yourselves
the compassion we need.

You might be asking, "Why do we do it?"

Self-criticism, we know it's painful.
Why do we do it?

We've actually found in research -

there are lots of reasons
we're self-critical -

but the number one reason ...

is that we believe we need
our self-criticism to motivate ourselves;

that if we are too kind to ourselves,

we'll be self-indulgent and lazy.

So the question is: Is it true?

Actually, the research
shows just the opposite:

Self-criticism undermines our motivation,

and here's why.

When we criticize ourselves,

we are tapping into
our bodies' threat-defense system:

the reptilian brain.

This system evolved

so that if there was a threat
to our physical person,

we would release adrenaline and cortisol,

and prepare for
the fight-or-flight response.

The system evolved for threats
to our actual bodily self,

but in modern times, typically,
the threat is not to our actual selves

but to our self-concept.

When we think a thought
about ourselves

that we don't like,
that's some imperfection,

we feel threatened,

and so we attack the problem,
meaning we attack ourselves.

And with self-criticism,
it's a double whammy

because we are both
the attacker and the attacked.

So self-criticism
releases a lot of cortisol.

If you are constant self-critic,
you have constantly high levels of stress,

and eventually the body,
to protect itself, will shut itself down

and become "I'm depressed"
in order to deal with all the stress.

And as we know, depression is not exactly
the best motivational mindstate.

Alright?

Luckily, we aren't just reptiles,

we're also mammals.

There's another way we can feel safe,

and that is by tapping
into the mammalian caregiving system.

What's unique about mammals
is they are born very immature,

which means a system had to be evolved

in which the infant would want
to stay close next to the mother

and stay safe,

which means our bodies
are programmed to respond to warmth,

gentle touch, and soft vocalizations.

So when we give ourselves compassion,

the research shows we actually
reduce our cortisol levels,

and release oxytocin and opiates,

which are the feel-good hormones.

And when we feel safe and comforted,

we are in the optimal
mindstate to do our best.

And it's actually very easy to see

when we think about
how to best motivate our children.

Let's say there is a father

whose son comes home from high school
with a failing math grade.

The father has two different ways
to try to motivate his child.

The first is with harsh criticism.

The son comes in,
shows to father the math grade,

and the father says,

"I'm ashamed of you. What a loser.
You'll never amount to anything."

Does that make you cringe?

Isn't that often precisely the type
of language we use with ourselves?

What's going to happen to that son?

Will he try harder?
Yes, he will for the short term.

But eventually, he's going
to lose faith in himself.

He's going to become depressed,
and he will become afraid of failure

and probably give up math

because the consequences
of failing again are just too dire.

But what if the father
takes a compassionate approach?

The son shows him the failing
math grade, and the father says,

"Uhh, ouch, wow.
You must be hurting. I'm sorry.

Hey, give me a hug. I still love you.
It happens to everyone.

But I know you want
to get your math grades up

because you want to go to college."

Here's what compassion says:
"What can I do to help?"

"How can I support you?"

And the more encouraging,
loving, compassionate the father is,

the better place, emotionally,
the son will be in to do his best.

And luckily, research strongly supports
everything I've been saying.

The last few years, especially,
have seen a sharp uptick

in the number of research studies
conducted on self-compassion.

And the bottom line is unequivocally:

Self-compassion is very strongly
related to mental well-being.

It's strongly related to less depression,

less anxiety, less stress,
less perfectionism.

It's equally strongly related
to positive states, like happiness,

like life satisfaction.

It's linked to greater motivation,
taking greater self-responsibility,

making healthier lifestyle choices.

It's also linked to having
more sense of connectedness with others,

better interpersonal relationships.

We've also done some research

comparing directly self-esteem
and self-compassion.

And what we find, what you can say

is that self-compassion
offers the benefits of self-esteem

without the pitfalls.

So it's associated
with strong mental health,

but it's not associated with narcissism,
or constant social comparison,

or ego-defensive aggression.

It also provides a much more stable sense
of self-worth than self-esteem does

because it's there for you
precisely when you fail.

Just when self-esteem deserts you,

self-compassion steps in
and gives you a sense of being valuable,

not because you've reached some standard,
or you've judged yourself positively,

but because you are a human being,
worthy of love in that moment.

And again this is something
I really know from my personal life.

The greatest challenge
I have faced in my life, so far,

was when my son Rowan
was diagnosed with autism.

And luckily when he was diagnosed,

I had a long practice
of self-compassion under my belt.

So when I first got the diagnosis,

I felt incredible grief;

I even felt some shame.

And it was very hard to feel that,
to admit that to myself.

Because how can I feel grief

about this child who I love
more than anyone else in the world?

The thing is I was feeling that, and I knew

that what I needed at that moment
was to embrace how difficult it was.

And the more I could embrace my own grief,
the more quickly I moved through it,

and then the more able I was
to turn toward him

and accept and love him for who he was.

It also helped me over and over again
in the heat of the moment.

As you may know, one issue
with autistic children,

especially when they're young,
is they can throw very terrible tantrums.

So, imagine being on a plane to England -

this is a true story,
Rowan was four years old -

I don't know what set him off,

but he throws a doozy of tantrum.

Flailing and screaming.

Everyone on that plane looking at us
like they wish we were dead.

He's four years old; he looks normal.

People are thinking,

"What's wrong with this kid?
Why is he acting this way?

What's wrong with this mother,
why can't she control her child?"

Okay, lots of fear.
What do I do, what do I do?

Jumping out the window
sadly wasn't an option, so ...

I know, I'll take him to the bathroom.
Try to comfort him there.

Maybe it'll muffle his screams.

So I'm kind of taking this four-year-old,
flailing child to the bathroom,

which was, of course ...

occupied.

(Laughter)

Imagine being in that little space
outside the bathroom door

with this tantruming child,

and I knew, in that moment,
the only refuge I had was self-compassion.

So I put my hands over my heart,
and I tried to comfort him,

but I was mainly focusing on myself.

"This is so hard right now, darling.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

But I'm here for you."

And you know what?
It got me through.

And by allowing myself
to be open-hearted toward myself,

I could remain open-hearted to Rowan.

People sometimes think self-compassion
is self-indulgent or selfish.

It's not.

Because the more we were able
to keep our hearts open to ourselves,

the more we have available
to give to others.

So I would like to invite you to try
to be more compassionate to yourself.

Especially as women,
you know how to do it.

You know how to be a good friend.

You know what to say
to comfort someone when they're in need.

You just have to remember
to be a good friend to yourself.

It's easier than you think,
and it really could change your life.

And that's why I think self-compassion
is an idea worth spreading.

Thank you.

(Applause)