Moving beyond the binary of sex and gender | Ugla Stefanía | TEDxReykjavik

In their talk, Ugla puts the focus on the binary categories of gender and sex and their personal experience as a trans person in a binary, two-dimensional society. They will share personal stories, along with informative and radical ideas about gender, sex and sexuality. This talk aims to challenge your ideas on the topic, as well as give you ideas on how to improve, be more critical and contribute and learn how to be a better ally to trans and queer people.

Ugla Stefanía Kristjönudóttir Jónsdóttir is a trans and queer activist from Iceland. They have been involved in activism for the past eight years, and have been a part of many NGOs, including Samtökin 78 – National Queer Organization, Trans Iceland and IGLYO – International Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Intersex Youth and Student Organization. They are currently doing their masters in gender studies at the University of Iceland.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

"What sort of genitals do you have?"

"Can I see them?"

"What sort of underwear do you wear?"

"Which bathroom do you use?"

"Are you a boy or a girl?"

"Wait, what's your real name?"

Imagine being asked those questions
on average at least once a week,

for the rest of your life.

It seems pretty intrusive,
impolite and just downright rude, right?

Well, for me, this is a reality.

"Why on earth would anybody
ask you those questions?,"

you might wonder.

Before I tell you that, I want to go
through a few basic concepts,

so that we're all on the same page.

First, I want to talk about sex.

And no, not sex as in having sex,
but sex as in biology.

You see, our sex is a combination
of our bodily features,

such as chromosomes,
hormone production, fat distribution,

genitals, hair growth, and so on,

and we refer to them
as sex characteristics.

When a person is born,
we usually assign them male or female,

based on these sex characteristics,
because it's just that simple, right?

Well, it isn't really that simple.

In fact, sex characteristics
are so vastly different between people

that there are at least forty
recognized variations of sex.

Usually, when a person falls
outside this binary of male and female,

we refer to them as intersex.

When an intersex child is born,

whose genitals do not fit
into the binary of male and female,

surgeons will often perform
medical interventions

to surgically alter their bodies
in order to normalize them,

often without their parents' consent,
and certainly not their own.

I don't know about you, but to me,

this seems like nothing but a clear
violation of someone's human rights.

Secondly, I want to talk about gender.

When we think about
men and women, boys and girls,

we get a certain idea in our head.

We associate women with femininity,
and we associate men with masculinity.

We expect men and women
to dress differently, do different things,

and have different roles in society.

And this is partly what gender is,

the socially-constructed idea
of what men and women are,

and what we expect them to be,

because it's all so
"just that simple," right?

Well, not really.

Gender is also much more complicated
than just two binary categories

of men and women.

In fact, gender is different between
different societies and different cultures

and it changes through time.

So, gender and the way
people identify their gender

are therefore often much more complex,
and the reality is much more diverse.

Now, this is where I come in
and tell you a little bit about myself,

and why I get asked
these questions all the time.

When I was born, I was assigned boy,
based on my genitals.

Despite this, I am most certainly
not a man, nor have I ever been.

It's shocking for some of you, I'm sure.

Usually, when a person is born,
we assign them, as I said before,

a certain gender based on their genitals,

and usually it's right, usually it fits,
but sometimes it doesn't,

and I am an example of a person
[with whom] that doesn't happen.

And I'm also not just a gay man
that took it "a bit too far,"

before someone asks,

(Laughter)

because to be a gay man,
you need to, first, be a man,

which I just established that I'm not,

and you need to be attracted to other men.

Being gay has to do
with your sexual orientation,

while being trans, like I am,
has to do with your gender identity.

When I was 14, I started playing
an online game called "World of Warcraft."

In this game, you can create a character

and play with people from all over
the world, through the internet.

In this game, I introduced myself
as a girl to the people that I met there.

I don't really know
why I did it at the time,

or what was going through my head,

but it helped me realize something
that I'd been struggling with for years.

It was something that I had
never really said out loud,

or even admitted to myself at that time:

the fact that I was not a boy.

As time went by, I got to know
the people in this game a bit better,

and eventually, they wanted
to meet up in real life.

Now, this is where things
got a bit tricky for me.

You see, I was 17 and I had not told
a living soul that I was trans,

and I actually had no opportunity
to explore my identity at this point.

So, I confided in my best friend

and I somehow convinced her
to travel with me and meet these people.

Now, this included that I had
to go shopping for new clothes,

I needed to learn
some basic make-up tricks,

and generally learn "how to be a girl."

Now, if this doesn't show us effectively
what a performance gender really is,

I don't know what does,

but as no one actually knew about this,

we'd be very secretive
about everything that we did.

We'd spend whole afternoons
in the shopping mall,

pretending to be shopping clothes for her,

when in fact we were
shopping clothes for me.

I'm sure you can imagine the look
on the store clerks' faces

when we were buying clothes
that didn't really fit my friend.

(Laughter)

She would often get questions like,

"Ma'am, are you really sure
that dress fits you?"

When we finally traveled abroad
and met the people,

it was a roller coaster
of emotions for me.

I remember getting off of the train
at the train station,

and we walked up a flight of stairs.

At the end of the hallway, I see the group
of people that we were going to meet.

In this moment, I completely froze.

I turned to my friend
and I said, "I can't do this."

She took a deep breath,
looked at me and said,

"I did not go all of this way
and do all of this

so that you can back out of this now.

So, you're going to take a deep breath,
pull yourself together,

and we're going to meet these people."

And then she grabbed my hand
and pulled me towards the group of people.

This trip really couldn't have gone
any better for me,

and it was the time of my life, really,

because, at this point,
I was finally living.

On the way back home after this trip,

we met two Icelandic women
on the same train to the airport,

and as Icelandic people do
when they meet abroad,

we of course said hello
and introduced ourselves,

because Icelandic people
are kind of tacky like that.

(Laughter)

As soon as we get back to the airport,

I go and change my clothes
to more neutral clothes,

as I still had my old name
and gender marker in my passport.

As soon as I step on the plane,
these two women we had met greet me

as the flight attendants
of that very flight.

I'm sure you can imagine
the look on their faces

because they were just as confused
and surprised as I was,

but for me, this moment
represented something.

It represented the two worlds meeting,

the world I had created for myself
over the internet,

and the reality back at home.

So, for me, this moment was pivotal.

When I got back home, I started telling
more people that I was trans,

and when I was 18,
I had my big "coming out."

I announced to everyone that I was a girl
and, for the longest time,

I totally conformed to all
of the socially-constructed rules

of what we expect women to like,
what we expect them to do,

how we expect them to dress, and so on.

I told everybody how I loved
to dress up in dresses all the time,

I told everybody
that I always knew I was a girl,

and I told everyone
that I always loved make-up.

I also told everyone
that I loved to play with dolls,

and my favorite movies were chick flicks
such as "Mean Girls,"

which, by the way,
is the best movie that I've ever seen,

just to be clear.

I always had this haunting feeling though,
that I was just fulfilling a stereotype.

You see, I wanted to prove
to everyone that I was in fact a girl,

and I actually had to prove it
to medical professionals

in order to get the healthcare
services that I needed.

So, I played the role,

and I played it so good
that I even managed to convince myself

that this was who I really was.

Eventually, though, I realized
that everything I was constantly doing

wasn't necessarily
because I really wanted to.

It was mostly because of society

and the messages I was getting
from people around me.

Eventually, when I realized this,

I started living more
as my authentic self

and stopped worrying
about the pressure to conform,

and what I should like,
and what I should do.

I indulged myself,

and I allowed myself to do the things
that I really loved again.

I allowed myself to be me.

And if you think that you have it tough
trying to live up to gender standards,

you don't know the half of it.

It's so multiplied when
it comes down to trans people

that we have to accept
having a "mental disorder,"

and we have to fill requirements
of medical professionals,

who are complete strangers,

while they evaluate, judge and decide
whether they are convinced

that you actually are the person
that you know you are.

So, of course I played the role

and told them everything
that they wanted to hear.

It was honestly very easy,

because it's very
tragically stereotypical.

I honestly sometimes
felt like I was in a factory,

and they were making sure
that they made the perfect men

and the perfect women,

that conformed and did not
rock the boat too much.

Today, I identify more
as genderqueer, or nonbinary.

This means that I don't identify
with the categories of men, nor women.

The reason for this
is because I don't feel comfortable

being lumped into these categories
because I feel that they are oppressive.

I feel like people expect me
to conform to certain things

that I have no interest in conforming to.

So, for me, it's personal,
as well as political,

but that's because life is political.

As you can see, my expression
is mostly feminine,

and I am not entirely uncomfortable
with being classified as a girl,

but I don't feel like I fit
neatly into this box.

I also reject the notion
that I am inherently male

because of my genetic make-up.

You see, sex is also
a social construct, just like gender.

The meaning that we put into these
categories isn't made by nature.

It's made by us humans,
through social interaction.

I alone had the power to define myself
and my body; no one else.

Sometimes you'll get people
who will tell you

that, "You aren't this,"
or, "You are this,"

or, "You're not that,"
and, "You're not this."

This is a message that I want
everybody to take in,

that nobody has the power
to define anyone,

but the people themselves,

and that's one of the most
important things.

Imagine being constantly questioned
about everything that you do,

people constantly harassing you
and berating you about who you are.

Trans people don't only face this,

but we also face a serious threat
to our mental and physical safety.

We are prone to developing anxiety,
depression and other mental problems,

as well as an overwhelming
majority of trans people

trying to, or committing suicide.

Access to healthcare is often severely
limited for trans people around the world,

and even nonexistent.

Trans people are, therefore,
often at the lowest class of society,

with no chance or opportunity to live out
their true and authentic lives.

And this is just one way that the current
ideas about sex and gender

affect people in seriously harmful ways.

And this is something that I want
all of you to take away with you today:

the way that we think
about sex and gender today

is harmful, oppressive, and unrealistic,

and it has to change.

It's not just harmful
for trans people like me,

or to intersex people,
or people who somehow don't conform.

It's harmful to all of us as a society,

because it affects all of us
in different ways.

And when things are starting to harm
people for simply being themselves,

we need to stop and think:
"How do we change it?,"

because we actually can change it,
but it's going to take a bit more

than just showing up at a Pride Parade
once a year, waving a flag.

You need to speak up about injustice,

and you need to confront
prejudice actively.

You need to help us deconstruct the idea
that sex and gender are binary categories

and that they are
unconditionally tied together,

because it's this that's causing harm.

Before I leave,
I want to use this opportunity

to pay my respects to all of the trans
people who have fought before me,

all of the trans people who do not
have the same status and privilege

as me in society.

I want to use this opportunity
to pay my respects

to all of the trans people
who have lost their lives

due to prejudice,
discrimination and violence

that these binary categories produce.

As we say in the trans community,
"May you all rest in power."

(Applause)