How can I not let my anger explode?

Thay answers questions on 21 June 2014. Question 9

(Bell)

Dear Thay, dear Sangha

(SPANISH)
At times I control
a lot of anger coming up.

I keep it inside, but then
it suddenly explodes.

I let it all out at once,

without knowing why and without
being able to control it at that time.

When all my anger explodes

I hurt the other person
and also myself a lot.

And then I do not have compassion
for the other, because I'm not aware of it.

After I have calmed down and
my anger has exploded and I let it out.

then I have compassion
and I am aware that I made him suffer.

But in the moment I do it,
I cannot do anything.

How can I do this?

Dear Thay, our friend is saying...

This is another question about anger.

She feels a lot of anger come up sometimes.

and she doesn't want to let it come out.

So she tries to keep it under control,
she's pushing it down.

But then, at some point
it explodes, it comes out

and she can hurt the other person.

She feels sorry to hurt the other person.

She feels compassion for
the suffering she caused him.

And she wants to know how she can
take better care of the situation.

Is she capable of seeing the
suffering of the other person?

(FRENCH)
Can she see the suffering
in the other person?

And when?

Before or after the explosion?

I do see their suffering

but I still have the strong emotion
come up.

What can I do with it?

To control is not enough.

To control may be to suppress.

Suppressing is not good,

because it is always there,
you pin it down

but it is still there.

So suppressing is not good.

We have to transform.

And to transform you need compassion.

The only antidote for anger,
violence is compassion.

There is no other way.

But how to fabricate compassion?

How to generate the energy of compassion?

That is the real question.

And in this retreat we have learnt
to recognize the suffering?

Because the suffering in that person is

the cause of his action
or of words that can make you suffer.

The anger in him waters
the anger in you.

The violence in him waters
the violence in you.

And that is why...we have
to breathe in and out mindfully

and to look, to see
that the other person is a victim

of his own violence, his own suffering,
his own misunderstanding.

This is very important.

This is the teaching of the Buddha:

look at suffering and
understand suffering.

When you understand your own suffering

you can understand the suffering of
the other person.

Understanding suffering always
brings compassion.

And only compassion can
transform anger and violence.

There are those of us
who think that we can...

we can take the block of anger out of us,

like doing surgery.

But you cannot do that with anger.

You cannot take anger out of you.

You can only transform it.

Anger can be transformed within
into something else.

Anger can be transformed into
understanding and compassion

And that is the work of the practitioner:

looking into the suffering,

your own suffering and
the suffering of the other person,

and trying to understand the cause.

That is the way to generate
the energy of compassion.

And when compassion is there
it transforms anger.

You don't need to take it out.

There are those who try to take it out.

There are those who advise you to

take it out by the practice of
so-called 'ventilation'.

It is like there is smoke in your room

and you want to ventilate the
smoke to take it out.

And the way is to go to your room
and lock your door

and to try to punch,
to hit your pillow,

to hit for ten minutes,
fifteen minutes.

And they believe that by doing so
you may take anger out of you.

'I am aware that anger is there.'

'I want to take it out.'

Because they think it is safer
to hit a pillow

then to hit the other person directly.

And they call it
'take it out of your system'.

But it does not work.

It does not work.

It may make your anger stronger.

It is like rehearsing your anger.

And they call it 'getting in touch with
your anger'.

It's good to get in touch with your anger.

The Buddha also advises us to breathe in

and to go home and
to get in touch with your anger

and embrace it tenderly
and look deeply into your anger.

But in this practice of...
pounding... the pillow

you don't really get
in touch with your anger.

You are a victim of your anger.

You are not getting in touch.

You are not even in touch with the pillow...

(Crowd laughs)

even though you are hitting it,

because if you are really in touch
with your pillow,

you will know that
it is only a pillow.

(Crowd laughs)

It's funny to hit a pillow.

The pillow is innocent.

(Crowd laughs)

So if you cannot get in touch
with the pillow

you cannot get in touch with your anger.

And if you continue like that

maybe one day, meeting him on
the street, you may like to...

hit directly and you get in jail.

So this work does not seem
to help you to get it out.

So according to this practice,

the practice that the Buddha recommends,

you have to come home and recognize anger

and try to hold it with the energy
of mindfulness.

This is called mindfulness of anger.

Mindfulness is always
mindfulness of something.

When I drink my tea and become aware
that I am here and now drinking my tea

that is mindfulness of drinking.

And when I breathe mindfully,
that is mindfulness of breathing.

When I walk mindfully,
that is mindfulness of walking.

So when I come home to myself
and recognize my anger and hold my anger

anger becomes the object
of my mindfulness.

This is called mindfulness of anger

There are two energies.

First there is the energy of anger.

Then the second energy is the
energy of mindfulness.

In order to have this energy

you have to practice breathing
and walking mindfully.

And with the second energy, you recognize
the first energy and embrace it tenderly.

You do not suppress it

but embrace it tenderly,

like a mother embracing her...

her suffering...baby.

And when the energy of mindfulness
is embracing the energy of anger,

you suffer less.

It is like the sunshine
embracing the lotus flower.

The lotus flower gets the warmth
the energy, in order to bloom.

So when you use the energy of mindfulness
in order to embrace your anger

you suffer less,
you get a relief.

You suffer less.

And if you look more deeply
you can identify the cause of your anger.

That may be a wrong perception.

That may be your lack of capacity to
see the suffering of the other person.

And if you identify your wrong perception

or if you can see the suffering
of the other person

suddenly that kind of understanding
and vision makes compassion arise.

And when compassion arises,

that is a kind of nectar that
makes you suffer less right away.

You get a relief.

And you can transform it.

And...

This...

This practice always works.

You know that in Plum Village,
in the past we used to sponsor

groups of Palestinans and Israelis
to come and practice.

And there is a lot of misunderstanding,
anger and suspicion in each group.

And if they can stay for two weeks,
transformation and healing can be possible.

We practice calming, releasing tension.

We practice getting in touch with
the wonders of life in order to nourish us.

And we also practicing breathing

in order to recognize our suspicion,
our fear, our anger.

And then we sit down and try
to listen to each other

And we tell the other group about
our own suffering, our own fear.

We use the practice of
the fourth mindfulness training:

Loving Speech and Deep Listening.

You can tell them
everything in your heart:

your suffering, your fear, your anger.

But you tell it in such a way that
the other person, the other group

can understand you.

Help them to understand.

So during the time you speak,
you do not condemn, you do not blame.

You just try to help them to understand
how much you suffer,

you and your people and your children.

In that way you help them to
understand your suffering.

And then it will be your turn to sit
and listen to their suffering.

They will tell you

their suffering, their fear,
their anger, their despair.

And you have to listen.

And during the time they speak

you may notice that they have
wrong perceptions of you.

And you want to correct them.

But according to this practice
you should not correct them.

Because if you correct them
while they speak

you will transform
the session into a debate.

That's not the practice of deep listening.

You say:

"Oh, they say wrong things because
they have not seen the truth.

But I have the time to help them

to correct their perceptions
in a few days,

because they will be
there for another week.

So in a few days we will have
a chance to tell them,

to give them the kind of
information that can help them

to correct their perceptions.

But not now.

Now we have to listen,

listen attentively."

Listening like this is called
'compassionate listening'.

And if you know how to listen
with compassion for one hour,

they will suffer less.

So we are practicing compassion.

We are giving them
a chance to suffer less.

And that is the practice of the
fourth mindfulness training:

listening with compassion in order
to help other people to suffer less.

You may do it with your husband, your wife

with your son, with your daughter,
with your father or mother.

And listen so that they have
a chance to empty their heart.

That is compassion.

And after a week of practice we are able
to remove many wrong perceptions.

We increase our mutual understanding.

And the two groups can sit down,

can hold hands to do walking meditation,
and share a meal together.

Brotherhood, sisterhood is born.

So this is a very important practice.

And...

We believe that politicians
have to learn this practice.

When they come to a peace negotiation,

they should follow
the instructions of calming,

releasing,

recognizing suffering inside,

recognizing the suffering in
the other person.

And if they spent one or two weeks
practicing like that,

their negotiations for peace
will be fruitful.

And I think that in schools
of political science

students have to learn
this kind of practice.

They don't need to be a Buddhist
in order to learn it.

This is applied ethics that can be
taught in every kind of school,

including elementary school.

Because children can learn the practice

and reconcile with
their brothers and sisters

and reconcile with their parents

and even help their parents.

They are many retreats organized
for young people, children.

And the children are transformed
when they are able to see

the suffering in their father,
in their mother.

And they come home after the retreat,

listen to their father and their mother

and help them to suffer less.

It's a miracle

It always happens in our retreats.

(Bell)