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[applause, music]
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Thank you very much!
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Hello!
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Hello. Pleased to be here,
ladies and gentlemen.
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It's been an absolutely mad year
in politics,
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and if we're gonna talk about
madness in politics,
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there's only one logical place
to start,
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and that is with UKIP,
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and their leader, Nigel Farage.
[does Farage impression]
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A man who sounds absolutely certain
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of everything he says,
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absolutely every time
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he says it.
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[audience laughter after each joke]
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It's an incredible voice, that.
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You could say anything in that voice,
and it sounds like a political rally.
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"Love lift us up where we -- belong!"
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Ridiculous thing.
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A lot of questions
under his leadership,
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but every political leader
has this now, of course.
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A lot of people asking how long
Jeremy Corbyn can last.
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I think that's a disrespectful question
to ask of a man who looks so frail.
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Think it sort of depends how cold
this winter is, really,
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as to how long Corbyn will last.
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Let's face it, in terms of
the Labour Party
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he wasn't handed a golden chalice,
was he, by Ed Miliband, to, uh ...
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Had an absolutely shocking year, I mean,
it was interesting,
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trying to figure out at what point
did Labour lose the last election,
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and I would say it was around September.
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September 2010.
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When they elected the pillock.
That was really ...
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That was really when all hope faded.
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He got thrashed in Scotland, didn't he?
Labour had an awful time in Scotland
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at the hands of the SNP,
who now rule supreme up there.
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It looks as if they're trying to sell
Nicola Sturgeon
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as a sort of charismatic stateswoman.
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Now I don't quite buy her as that.
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If you watch Nicola Sturgeon,
[switches to Scottish accent]
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she's very, very [unclear],
side to side, like that.
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Her body language is very stiff,
but when she talks about the Tory party
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she's so much of a nationalist,
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she will try and headbutt it
while she speaks.
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[normal voice]
Amazing, watching her.
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[Scottish accent]
We're against the austerity agenda.
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If David Cameron comes near me,
I will bite him.
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[normal voice]
Interesting year for David Cameron.
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He's a fascinating speaker.
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He's probably the most charismatic
of the party leaders, Cameron.
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But he's quite, quite a slow speaker.
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All he will do is emphasize every
fourth or fifth word.
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[Cameron impression] In 2015 we'll
continue to take the tough decisions,
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getting the investment in, getting the
deficit down, sorting out those schools,
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sorting out those hospitals.
[normal voice] It's a little bit stiff.
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Occasionally, he'll emphasize
a different word in the order.
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[Cameron] Getting the deficit down,
getting the investment in.
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[normal voice]
You think, oh, he's had a Berocca!
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Watch him flourish!
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But his biggest rival now
is Boris Johnson,
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arguably the most popular
politician in the country.
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It's fascinating watching Boris,
'cause he polls quite high
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for things like telling it like it is,
and speaking the language of the people,
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which sort of feels like the opposite
of what he does to me,
-
but he's got a lovely trick, Boris,
-
when he's asked a question
he doesn't want to answer.
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For instance: do you want to be
Prime Minister?
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He uses the twin track approach
of flattery and Latin.
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And it works an absolute treat.
If he was here now you'd say,
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"C'mon, Boris, tell the good people
of the Royal Albert Hall:
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"do you want to be Prime Minister?"
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[Boris impression] No no no,
let me just say, can I just say,
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what an honour it is to be here today
in such great elevated and learned company.
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And let me -- this [crucible culture?],
by the way, real honour to be here.
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Reminds me very much of a phrase
my father used to use:
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In divitas divitum rectum.
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[normal voice] Really speaking the
language of the people, in't he, Boris?
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Particularly if you're knocking around
Pompeii around 8 B.C.
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I mean the more he speaks,
the less I understand him.
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He's like a posh Russell Brand.
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Who by the way, should not be
listened to on politics.
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Russell Brand. It's fascinating
watching him talk about politics.
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He's got two distinct personas
when he does it.
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The first is the erudite wordsmith,
the cocksure geopolitical expert.
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That lasts until you ask him what the
hell it is he's going on about.
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Then he turns into some sort of
Dickensian orphan.
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He's like, "We need to [unclear]
ourselves above this Orwellian
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"cabinet conspiracy and all discount
together for a shared conduit
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"to solve the world's problems."
Like, Russell, this is amazing!
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How we gonna do it?
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"Oh, I don't know, I've got no answers,
mate. Not in these old shoes."
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I mean, if you're gonna get big name
comedians into politics,
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get the ones that'll brighten it up a bit.
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Get Michael McIntyre in there.
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Be amazing, wouldn't it?
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[McIntyre impression] Hello! Hello,
Westminster, hello!
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It's great to be here! I love
Jeremy Corbyn, where is he?
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Hellooo!
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[normal voice] Ladies and gentlemen,
it's been an absolute pleasure.
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Thank you very much.
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Good night.
[applause]
