[applause, music]
Thank you very much!
Hello!
Hello. Pleased to be here, ladies and gentlemen.
It's been an absolutely mad year in politics,
and if we're gonna talk about madness in politics,
there's only one logical place to start,
and that is with UKIP,
and their leader, Nigel Farage. [does Farage impression]
A man who sounds absolutely certain
of everything he says,
absolutely every time
he says it.
[audience laughter after each joke]
It's an incredible voice, that.
You could say anything in that voice, and it sounds like a political rally.
"Love lift us up where we -- belong!"
Ridiculous thing.
A lot of questions under his leadership,
but every political leader has this now, of course.
A lot of people asking how long Jeremy Corbyn can last.
I think that's a disrespectful question to ask of a man who looks so frail.
Think it sort of depends how cold this winter is, really,
as to how long Corbyn will last.
Let's face it, in terms of the Labour Party
he wasn't handed a golden chalice, was he, by Ed Miliband, to, uh ...
Had an absolutely shocking year, I mean, it was interesting,
trying to figure out at what point did Labour lose the last election,
and I would say it was around September.
September 2010.
When they elected the pillock. That was really ...
That was really when all hope faded.
He got thrashed in Scotland, didn't he? Labour had an awful time in Scotland
at the hands of the SNP, who now rule supreme up there.
It looks as if they're trying to sell Nicola Sturgeon
as a sort of charismatic stateswoman.
Now I don't quite buy her as that.
If you watch Nicola Sturgeon, [switches to Scottish accent]
she's very, very [unclear], side to side, like that.
Her body language is very stiff, but when she talks about the Tory party
she's so much of a nationalist,
she will try and headbutt it while she speaks.
[normal voice] Amazing, watching her.
[Scottish accent] We're against the austerity agenda.
If David Cameron comes near me, I will bite him.
[normal voice] Interesting year for David Cameron.
He's a fascinating speaker.
He's probably the most charismatic of the party leaders, Cameron.
But he's quite, quite a slow speaker.
All he will do is emphasize every fourth or fifth word.
[Cameron impression] In 2015 we'll continue to take the tough decisions,
getting the investment in, getting the deficit down, sorting out those schools,
sorting out those hospitals. [normal voice] It's a little bit stiff.
Occasionally, he'll emphasize a different word in the order.
[Cameron] Getting the deficit down, getting the investment in.
[normal voice] You think, oh, he's had a Berocca!
Watch him flourish!
But his biggest rival now is Boris Johnson,
arguably the most popular politician in the country.
It's fascinating watching Boris, 'cause he polls quite high
for things like telling it like it is, and speaking the language of the people,
which sort of feels like the opposite of what he does to me,
but he's got a lovely trick, Boris,
when he's asked a question he doesn't want to answer.
For instance: do you want to be Prime Minister?
He uses the twin track approach of flattery and Latin.
And it works an absolute treat. If he was here now you'd say,
"C'mon, Boris, tell the good people of the Royal Albert Hall:
"do you want to be Prime Minister?"
[Boris impression] No no no, let me just say, can I just say,
what an honour it is to be here today in such great elevated and learned company.
And let me -- this [crucible culture?], by the way, real honour to be here.
Reminds me very much of a phrase my father used to use:
In divitas divitum rectum.
[normal voice] Really speaking the language of the people, in't he, Boris?
Particularly if you're knocking around Pompeii around 8 B.C.
I mean the more he speaks, the less I understand him.
He's like a posh Russell Brand.
Who by the way, should not be listened to on politics.
Russell Brand. It's fascinating watching him talk about politics.
He's got two distinct personas when he does it.
The first is the erudite wordsmith, the cocksure geopolitical expert.
That lasts until you ask him what the hell it is he's going on about.
Then he turns into some sort of Dickensian orphan.
He's like, "We need to [unclear] ourselves above this Orwellian
"cabinet conspiracy and all discount together for a shared conduit
"to solve the world's problems." Like, Russell, this is amazing!
How we gonna do it?
"Oh, I don't know, I've got no answers, mate. Not in these old shoes."
I mean, if you're gonna get big name comedians into politics,
get the ones that'll brighten it up a bit.
Get Michael McIntyre in there.
Be amazing, wouldn't it?
[McIntyre impression] Hello! Hello, Westminster, hello!
It's great to be here! I love Jeremy Corbyn, where is he?
Hellooo!
[normal voice] Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure.
Thank you very much.
Good night. [applause]