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Every body: glamour, dateability, sexuality & disability | Dr. Danielle Sheypuk | TEDxBarnardCollege

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    So, just recently,
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    I went out on a Match.com date,
    and it was fantastic.
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    We liked the same things,
    we liked movies at the Angelika,
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    unknown restaurants, Central Park;
    he had a job,
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    (Laughter)
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    a career, a graduate degree,
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    and the first date was fabulous.
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    Soup dumpling, Tsingtao beer,
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    chemistry flying all over the place.
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    By the third date,
    I thought I was off the hook.
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    I got my hopes up; I was thinking:
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    "This could be the one.
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    This is the third date,
    this could be the one."
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    (Laughter)
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    When over an intimate dinner
    at a sweet Italian bistro,
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    in the Lower East Side.
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    I noticed he was sitting
    further away from me than usual,
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    and then the question started.
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    I've been thinking,
    "How are you going to be a mother?
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    How are you going to do the duties
    that are going to be required of you?
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    And even as a wife, how --
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    I'm not sure how that's going to work."
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    And I said: "Well that's simple,
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    I'm just going to hire someone,
    like every other New Yorker."
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    (Laughter)
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    That was the last time I heard from him.
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    I tried to convince myself that
    this was like any other relationship,
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    but deep down, I knew the reality.
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    Who wants to date
    someone in a wheelchair?
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    Sex is one of the basic drives
    of humanity.
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    Sigmund Freud proposed that
    human organisms are born with drives,
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    and one of those is sex,
    and if this drive is not met,
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    a negative state of tension occurs.
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    Therefore, dating and relationships
    rank very high in life's priorities.
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    But this priority is much,
    much more complex
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    for someone with a disability.
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    So even though I'm the total catch,
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    (Laughter)
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    my Match.com guy is multiple times
    more likely to date than me,
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    because he doesn't have a physical,
    visible disability.
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    Now, this is interesting,
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    because even though he has a lot more
    experience under his belt --
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    you know, notches on the bedpost,
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    he is probably not going to report
    a lot of satisfaction in this area.
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    Now, this is not my opinion, look --
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    people are not having good sex.
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    Married people aren't having sex
    with each other,
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    and people aren't happy
    with their relationships.
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    Now, what if this is because
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    we are factoring out
    an entire amazing group
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    of potential romantic partners,
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    and that group
    is people with disabilities?
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    We are completely left out
    of the dating picture.
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    Society, media included,
    seems to ignore the fact
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    that we have the same
    emotional needs, and desires
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    as everyone else.
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    Is this injustice
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    born out of the concept
    of the poster child,
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    and his or her duty to induce pity,
    to raise money?
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    Or maybe it's the conclusion
    drawn from mainstream porno,
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    where we have actors performing
    like gymnastics stunts,
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    with the stamina that none of us have,
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    of bucking broncos, and jackrabbits.
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    (Laughter)
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    The silent message:
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    the more in shape your body,
    the better the sex.
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    The unspoken conclusion:
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    If you have a disability,
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    you are too sick to have sex.
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    Now let's look at the continuum
    in our society
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    where sexuality is measured.
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    So, on the one hand,
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    we have humans
    that are the ultimate, sex appeal objects.
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    So on that end, we have
    Victoria Secret models,
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    Playboy centerfolds, people like that.
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    On the complete, opposite end,
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    we have people with physical disabilities,
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    and it seems like the more we deviate
    from this ultimate sex icon,
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    the more de-sexualized we become,
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    the more taboo the topic,
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    and the more damaging the consequences.
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    Now, for most people
    there are quick fixes. Right?
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    We have Hair Club for Men,
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    Botox, Spanx, butt implants.
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    (Laughter)
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    But for people with disabilities
    there are no quick fixes.
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    There is no magic pill,
    and we are hit hard.
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    We begin dating, and experience
    our first sexual experience
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    much, much later
    than the general population.
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    We are less likely to get married,
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    and will report fewer
    sexual experiences overall,
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    if any.
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    When I was at
    the Miss Wheelchair USA pageant --
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    because I was the Miss New York, too,
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    (Applause)
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    I remember a conversation
    with a contestant there, and she said:
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    "You know, like,
    I don't really get your platform,
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    (Laughter)
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    I mean, like, you just have
    to love yourself,
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    like, if you just love yourself,
    and your body, then the rest --
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    it's so easy to find a date,
    the rest will come easy."
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    I'm like: "No."
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    (Laughter)
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    No. Society's misconceptions,
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    and inaccurate assumptions
    are the largest obstacle that we face
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    in this area with a disability,
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    and let me tell you,
    it is the size of Mount Everest.
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    Asexual, not able to have sex.
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    Not able to have good sex.
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    Can't be a wife, can't be a mother,
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    weak, infertile, can't be a good father.
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    I remember on Tinder, a guy asked me,
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    and of course, this was in his
    second line of conversation:
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    "Can you have sex?"
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    I said: "Can you?"
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    (Laughter)
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    I had a patient who was about in her 30s,
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    and she was in a wheelchair,
    and identified as a lesbian,
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    and it was so easy for her
    to stay in the closet,
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    because, people didn't even think
    she was sexual,
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    never mind a lesbian,
    like wow, that didn't even --
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    that would blow their minds.
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    We take these negative stereotypes,
    and we internalize them,
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    because that's what we do, as humans.
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    If you hear it enough, if we're
    rejected enough, you believe it,
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    and I mean, how could I not?
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    Here I am on my third date,
    with my witty retorts,
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    a dress that left very little
    to the imagination,
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    and I didn't stand a chance. Why?
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    Because he could not imagine
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    how I could do it.
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    Media also plays a big role here,
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    in the way people with disabilities
    are treated in this area.
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    We're completely left out.
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    Rarely do you see us
    in TV commercials, ad campaigns,
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    anything in the beauty
    and fashion industry.
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    The message:
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    You do not belong here.
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    Your body is too abnormal,
    too crooked, too not nice,
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    and therefore you can't sell our product.
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    Sex sells,
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    and you are not sexy.
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    Now, including people with disabilities
    into advertising
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    makes economic sense.
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    I mean, there's a ton of us, huge,
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    and we have money, a lot of it,
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    (Laughter)
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    and we want to spend it.
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    If Match.com just used one ad,
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    with a couple in a wheelchair,
    one ad, one ad,
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    they could normalize
    this topic for millions,
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    and also,
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    tap into this very lucrative market.
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    Now this makes economic sense for you too.
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    If we open our minds to the fact
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    that we can include
    people with disabilities
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    into our dating pools,
    we will increase our sex lives,
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    and improve our romantic relationships.
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    In my private therapy practice,
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    I focus on a couple of key concepts
    that I really want to share.
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    First, and foremost,
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    I talk about self-esteem
    versus dateable self-esteem.
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    Dateable self-esteem
    is a term that I came up with
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    to address the phenomenon
    that I frequently see
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    in people with disabilities, and that's
    the fact that we do love ourselves.
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    We have fabulous social circles,
    great careers, and loving families.
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    But when it comes to our self-esteem,
    our dateable self-esteem,
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    it's in the gutter. I mean it takes a hit.
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    Now let me ask you to look at your levels
    of dateable self-esteem.
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    Could they be unfairly influenced
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    by what others may think of you
    if your date is on wheels?
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    Or what if your date's a little to short?
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    Or what if your date
    is a little overweight?
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    Many times, so many times, I hear:
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    "I've never dated someone
    in a wheelchair. How does that work?"
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    Okay, let me put this in perspective;
    do you ever hear:
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    "I've never dated someone
    Asian before. How does that work?"
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    (Laughter)
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    Or, "I have never dated someone
    Catholic before. How does that work?"
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    So, clearly, I'm not going to give you
    some magic answer here,
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    some algorithm I came up with
    in my private therapy practice.
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    You just go on the date.
    You see if there's chemistry.
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    Do my quirks match with his?
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    No special attention needs to be paid.
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    Are we having fun together?
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    It's that simple.
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    I also work with my clients
    on feeling sexy,
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    and taking the focus
    off the disability, per se.
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    One time I asked a client:
    "So what do you find sexy about yourself?"
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    And I was expecting a quick answer.
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    She looked at me, looked down,
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    thought, thought about it,
    looked up, and said:
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    "You know, I don't know.
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    I've never thought about that before."
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    So think about it, what do you
    find sexy about yourself?
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    Is it something that you truly
    do find sexy about yourself?
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    Or is something that
    you've been told by someone else,
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    that's sexy about you?
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    So people with disabilities,
    it's not that we're not sexy,
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    it's just that we haven't been told
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    yet.
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    And an interesting paradox,
    a really interesting paradox,
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    although people with physical disabilities
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    are often considered
    to have severe limitations around sex,
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    we are actually having sexual experiences,
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    not bound by the constraints
    of what sex should be.
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    How about you? How about
    all those times that you can say:
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    "Yeah, I've successfully had sex,
    the way I'm supposed to have sex,"
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    and you've left feeling completely,
    and utterly disappointed?
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    Imagine what it would be like,
    if you can have sex
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    outside of the normal experience,
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    something that never even entered
    your wildest imaginations.
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    What we're seeing here is a population,
    that because our physical situation,
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    is great at thinking creatively.
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    (Laughter)
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    We pay attention to the details,
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    we strategize, and these are tools
    that we have developed
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    because we have learned to navigate
    a world that's not always meant
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    for a wheelchair.
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    I had a client who told me:
    "You know, we think in millimeters."
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    How exquisitely intimate would it be,
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    if we all thought in millimeters,
    in the bedroom?
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    What would that orgasm be like
    if we used an eyelash, a breath,
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    or the intrigue of a situation,
    that we never thought could be sexual?
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    So, not that long ago,
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    it wasn't cool to be gay,
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    and before that,
    it wasn't okay to be black.
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    Now big is beautiful,
    interracial dating it's fantastic,
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    and gay marriage is legal.
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    Now, it is glamorous to date someone
    with a physical disability.
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    Dating and romance
    have taken on a new tone,
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    and we are free to create
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    a great sexual experience,
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    and free to experience sex
    with any body.
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    (Applause)
Title:
Every body: glamour, dateability, sexuality & disability | Dr. Danielle Sheypuk | TEDxBarnardCollege
Description:

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

Dr. Danielle Sheypuk gets real about sex and disability, unabashedly exploring sexual satisfaction writ large. She encourages curiosity and invites you to shed your preconceived notions of sexual norms in favor of a new reality that just might pique your interest.

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDxTalks
Duration:
16:25

English subtitles

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