Every body: glamour, dateability, sexuality & disability | Dr. Danielle Sheypuk | TEDxBarnardCollege
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0:20 - 0:23So, just recently,
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0:23 - 0:28I went out on a Match.com date,
and it was fantastic. -
0:28 - 0:34We liked the same things,
we liked movies at the Angelika, -
0:34 - 0:38unknown restaurants, Central Park;
he had a job, -
0:38 - 0:40(Laughter)
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0:40 - 0:43a career, a graduate degree,
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0:43 - 0:47and the first date was fabulous.
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0:47 - 0:49Soup dumpling, Tsingtao beer,
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0:49 - 0:53chemistry flying all over the place.
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0:53 - 0:57By the third date,
I thought I was off the hook. -
0:57 - 1:01I got my hopes up; I was thinking:
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1:01 - 1:03"This could be the one.
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1:03 - 1:05This is the third date,
this could be the one." -
1:05 - 1:06(Laughter)
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1:06 - 1:12When over an intimate dinner
at a sweet Italian bistro, -
1:12 - 1:14in the Lower East Side.
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1:14 - 1:19I noticed he was sitting
further away from me than usual, -
1:19 - 1:21and then the question started.
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1:22 - 1:26I've been thinking,
"How are you going to be a mother? -
1:26 - 1:30How are you going to do the duties
that are going to be required of you? -
1:30 - 1:32And even as a wife, how --
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1:32 - 1:35I'm not sure how that's going to work."
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1:35 - 1:37And I said: "Well that's simple,
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1:37 - 1:40I'm just going to hire someone,
like every other New Yorker." -
1:40 - 1:44(Laughter)
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1:45 - 1:48That was the last time I heard from him.
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1:48 - 1:52I tried to convince myself that
this was like any other relationship, -
1:52 - 1:56but deep down, I knew the reality.
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1:56 - 2:00Who wants to date
someone in a wheelchair? -
2:00 - 2:04Sex is one of the basic drives
of humanity. -
2:04 - 2:09Sigmund Freud proposed that
human organisms are born with drives, -
2:09 - 2:13and one of those is sex,
and if this drive is not met, -
2:13 - 2:17a negative state of tension occurs.
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2:17 - 2:24Therefore, dating and relationships
rank very high in life's priorities. -
2:24 - 2:28But this priority is much,
much more complex -
2:28 - 2:31for someone with a disability.
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2:31 - 2:36So even though I'm the total catch,
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2:36 - 2:37(Laughter)
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2:37 - 2:43my Match.com guy is multiple times
more likely to date than me, -
2:43 - 2:49because he doesn't have a physical,
visible disability. -
2:50 - 2:53Now, this is interesting,
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2:53 - 2:58because even though he has a lot more
experience under his belt -- -
2:58 - 3:01you know, notches on the bedpost,
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3:01 - 3:07he is probably not going to report
a lot of satisfaction in this area. -
3:07 - 3:12Now, this is not my opinion, look --
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3:16 - 3:20people are not having good sex.
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3:22 - 3:27Married people aren't having sex
with each other, -
3:27 - 3:32and people aren't happy
with their relationships. -
3:34 - 3:39Now, what if this is because
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3:39 - 3:44we are factoring out
an entire amazing group -
3:44 - 3:47of potential romantic partners,
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3:47 - 3:52and that group
is people with disabilities? -
3:52 - 3:55We are completely left out
of the dating picture. -
3:55 - 3:59Society, media included,
seems to ignore the fact -
3:59 - 4:03that we have the same
emotional needs, and desires -
4:03 - 4:05as everyone else.
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4:07 - 4:10Is this injustice
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4:10 - 4:15born out of the concept
of the poster child, -
4:15 - 4:20and his or her duty to induce pity,
to raise money? -
4:20 - 4:25Or maybe it's the conclusion
drawn from mainstream porno, -
4:25 - 4:29where we have actors performing
like gymnastics stunts, -
4:29 - 4:33with the stamina that none of us have,
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4:33 - 4:37of bucking broncos, and jackrabbits.
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4:37 - 4:40(Laughter)
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4:40 - 4:42The silent message:
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4:42 - 4:46the more in shape your body,
the better the sex. -
4:46 - 4:49The unspoken conclusion:
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4:49 - 4:51If you have a disability,
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4:51 - 4:55you are too sick to have sex.
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4:57 - 4:59Now let's look at the continuum
in our society -
4:59 - 5:02where sexuality is measured.
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5:02 - 5:05So, on the one hand,
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5:06 - 5:12we have humans
that are the ultimate, sex appeal objects. -
5:12 - 5:15So on that end, we have
Victoria Secret models, -
5:15 - 5:18Playboy centerfolds, people like that.
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5:18 - 5:21On the complete, opposite end,
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5:21 - 5:25we have people with physical disabilities,
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5:25 - 5:30and it seems like the more we deviate
from this ultimate sex icon, -
5:30 - 5:33the more de-sexualized we become,
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5:33 - 5:36the more taboo the topic,
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5:36 - 5:41and the more damaging the consequences.
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5:41 - 5:44Now, for most people
there are quick fixes. Right? -
5:44 - 5:46We have Hair Club for Men,
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5:46 - 5:51Botox, Spanx, butt implants.
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5:51 - 5:53(Laughter)
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5:54 - 5:57But for people with disabilities
there are no quick fixes. -
5:57 - 6:03There is no magic pill,
and we are hit hard. -
6:03 - 6:09We begin dating, and experience
our first sexual experience -
6:09 - 6:14much, much later
than the general population. -
6:14 - 6:18We are less likely to get married,
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6:18 - 6:23and will report fewer
sexual experiences overall, -
6:23 - 6:26if any.
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6:26 - 6:29When I was at
the Miss Wheelchair USA pageant -- -
6:29 - 6:31because I was the Miss New York, too,
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6:31 - 6:35(Applause)
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6:37 - 6:42I remember a conversation
with a contestant there, and she said: -
6:42 - 6:46"You know, like,
I don't really get your platform, -
6:46 - 6:47(Laughter)
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6:47 - 6:50I mean, like, you just have
to love yourself, -
6:50 - 6:54like, if you just love yourself,
and your body, then the rest -- -
6:54 - 6:57it's so easy to find a date,
the rest will come easy." -
6:58 - 7:00I'm like: "No."
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7:00 - 7:02(Laughter)
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7:02 - 7:06No. Society's misconceptions,
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7:06 - 7:11and inaccurate assumptions
are the largest obstacle that we face -
7:11 - 7:13in this area with a disability,
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7:13 - 7:16and let me tell you,
it is the size of Mount Everest. -
7:16 - 7:20Asexual, not able to have sex.
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7:20 - 7:22Not able to have good sex.
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7:22 - 7:26Can't be a wife, can't be a mother,
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7:26 - 7:32weak, infertile, can't be a good father.
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7:32 - 7:34I remember on Tinder, a guy asked me,
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7:34 - 7:39and of course, this was in his
second line of conversation: -
7:39 - 7:41"Can you have sex?"
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7:41 - 7:44I said: "Can you?"
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7:44 - 7:46(Laughter)
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7:46 - 7:50I had a patient who was about in her 30s,
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7:50 - 7:55and she was in a wheelchair,
and identified as a lesbian, -
7:55 - 7:59and it was so easy for her
to stay in the closet, -
7:59 - 8:03because, people didn't even think
she was sexual, -
8:03 - 8:07never mind a lesbian,
like wow, that didn't even -- -
8:07 - 8:11that would blow their minds.
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8:11 - 8:15We take these negative stereotypes,
and we internalize them, -
8:15 - 8:16because that's what we do, as humans.
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8:16 - 8:21If you hear it enough, if we're
rejected enough, you believe it, -
8:21 - 8:23and I mean, how could I not?
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8:23 - 8:27Here I am on my third date,
with my witty retorts, -
8:27 - 8:32a dress that left very little
to the imagination, -
8:32 - 8:36and I didn't stand a chance. Why?
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8:36 - 8:41Because he could not imagine
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8:41 - 8:44how I could do it.
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8:46 - 8:49Media also plays a big role here,
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8:49 - 8:53in the way people with disabilities
are treated in this area. -
8:53 - 8:55We're completely left out.
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8:55 - 9:00Rarely do you see us
in TV commercials, ad campaigns, -
9:00 - 9:04anything in the beauty
and fashion industry. -
9:04 - 9:07The message:
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9:07 - 9:10You do not belong here.
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9:10 - 9:16Your body is too abnormal,
too crooked, too not nice, -
9:17 - 9:21and therefore you can't sell our product.
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9:21 - 9:23Sex sells,
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9:23 - 9:26and you are not sexy.
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9:28 - 9:33Now, including people with disabilities
into advertising -
9:33 - 9:37makes economic sense.
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9:37 - 9:42I mean, there's a ton of us, huge,
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9:42 - 9:45and we have money, a lot of it,
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9:45 - 9:46(Laughter)
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9:46 - 9:50and we want to spend it.
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9:50 - 9:54If Match.com just used one ad,
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9:54 - 9:58with a couple in a wheelchair,
one ad, one ad, -
9:58 - 10:03they could normalize
this topic for millions, -
10:03 - 10:05and also,
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10:05 - 10:11tap into this very lucrative market.
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10:12 - 10:17Now this makes economic sense for you too.
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10:17 - 10:21If we open our minds to the fact
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10:21 - 10:25that we can include
people with disabilities -
10:25 - 10:29into our dating pools,
we will increase our sex lives, -
10:29 - 10:33and improve our romantic relationships.
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10:33 - 10:35In my private therapy practice,
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10:35 - 10:40I focus on a couple of key concepts
that I really want to share. -
10:40 - 10:41First, and foremost,
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10:41 - 10:47I talk about self-esteem
versus dateable self-esteem. -
10:47 - 10:50Dateable self-esteem
is a term that I came up with -
10:50 - 10:53to address the phenomenon
that I frequently see -
10:53 - 10:58in people with disabilities, and that's
the fact that we do love ourselves. -
10:58 - 11:04We have fabulous social circles,
great careers, and loving families. -
11:04 - 11:09But when it comes to our self-esteem,
our dateable self-esteem, -
11:09 - 11:14it's in the gutter. I mean it takes a hit.
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11:14 - 11:20Now let me ask you to look at your levels
of dateable self-esteem. -
11:20 - 11:24Could they be unfairly influenced
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11:24 - 11:28by what others may think of you
if your date is on wheels? -
11:28 - 11:31Or what if your date's a little to short?
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11:31 - 11:37Or what if your date
is a little overweight? -
11:38 - 11:42Many times, so many times, I hear:
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11:42 - 11:46"I've never dated someone
in a wheelchair. How does that work?" -
11:46 - 11:51Okay, let me put this in perspective;
do you ever hear: -
11:51 - 11:55"I've never dated someone
Asian before. How does that work?" -
11:55 - 11:56(Laughter)
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11:56 - 12:02Or, "I have never dated someone
Catholic before. How does that work?" -
12:02 - 12:06So, clearly, I'm not going to give you
some magic answer here, -
12:06 - 12:12some algorithm I came up with
in my private therapy practice. -
12:12 - 12:17You just go on the date.
You see if there's chemistry. -
12:17 - 12:19Do my quirks match with his?
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12:19 - 12:22No special attention needs to be paid.
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12:22 - 12:25Are we having fun together?
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12:25 - 12:28It's that simple.
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12:28 - 12:32I also work with my clients
on feeling sexy, -
12:32 - 12:37and taking the focus
off the disability, per se. -
12:37 - 12:41One time I asked a client:
"So what do you find sexy about yourself?" -
12:41 - 12:43And I was expecting a quick answer.
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12:43 - 12:46She looked at me, looked down,
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12:46 - 12:49thought, thought about it,
looked up, and said: -
12:49 - 12:53"You know, I don't know.
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12:53 - 12:57I've never thought about that before."
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12:57 - 13:00So think about it, what do you
find sexy about yourself? -
13:00 - 13:04Is it something that you truly
do find sexy about yourself? -
13:04 - 13:08Or is something that
you've been told by someone else, -
13:08 - 13:11that's sexy about you?
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13:11 - 13:15So people with disabilities,
it's not that we're not sexy, -
13:15 - 13:17it's just that we haven't been told
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13:17 - 13:19yet.
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13:20 - 13:25And an interesting paradox,
a really interesting paradox, -
13:25 - 13:28although people with physical disabilities
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13:28 - 13:34are often considered
to have severe limitations around sex, -
13:34 - 13:38we are actually having sexual experiences,
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13:38 - 13:43not bound by the constraints
of what sex should be. -
13:45 - 13:50How about you? How about
all those times that you can say: -
13:50 - 13:56"Yeah, I've successfully had sex,
the way I'm supposed to have sex," -
13:56 - 14:02and you've left feeling completely,
and utterly disappointed? -
14:02 - 14:05Imagine what it would be like,
if you can have sex -
14:05 - 14:08outside of the normal experience,
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14:08 - 14:13something that never even entered
your wildest imaginations. -
14:13 - 14:18What we're seeing here is a population,
that because our physical situation, -
14:18 - 14:21is great at thinking creatively.
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14:21 - 14:23(Laughter)
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14:23 - 14:26We pay attention to the details,
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14:26 - 14:30we strategize, and these are tools
that we have developed -
14:30 - 14:34because we have learned to navigate
a world that's not always meant -
14:34 - 14:37for a wheelchair.
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14:37 - 14:41I had a client who told me:
"You know, we think in millimeters." -
14:42 - 14:45How exquisitely intimate would it be,
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14:45 - 14:49if we all thought in millimeters,
in the bedroom? -
14:50 - 14:56What would that orgasm be like
if we used an eyelash, a breath, -
14:56 - 15:02or the intrigue of a situation,
that we never thought could be sexual? -
15:04 - 15:10So, not that long ago,
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15:10 - 15:12it wasn't cool to be gay,
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15:12 - 15:16and before that,
it wasn't okay to be black. -
15:16 - 15:22Now big is beautiful,
interracial dating it's fantastic, -
15:22 - 15:25and gay marriage is legal.
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15:26 - 15:31Now, it is glamorous to date someone
with a physical disability. -
15:31 - 15:34Dating and romance
have taken on a new tone, -
15:34 - 15:38and we are free to create
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15:38 - 15:41a great sexual experience,
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15:41 - 15:47and free to experience sex
with any body. -
15:47 - 15:52(Applause)
- Title:
- Every body: glamour, dateability, sexuality & disability | Dr. Danielle Sheypuk | TEDxBarnardCollege
- Description:
-
This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.
Dr. Danielle Sheypuk gets real about sex and disability, unabashedly exploring sexual satisfaction writ large. She encourages curiosity and invites you to shed your preconceived notions of sexual norms in favor of a new reality that just might pique your interest.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 16:25