I lost my eyesight and discovered my superpower

Magical portals, letters from Hogwarts, adventures with Gandalf—those are just some of the literary fantasies that Maria Stockler set her sights on. However, at the age of 13, after an astonishing series of events led to the loss of her eyesight, Maria was no longer able to see the world of her dreams in the same way. In this inspired Talk, Maria shares how losing one of her senses helped her hone a new one; one that would eventually become her very own superpower. "There's a difference between looking and seeing...I think I can see better now than ever before."

Do you know when you ask a child what
her future will be like

and she answers that she wants
to have super powers or just be big?

If you asked the younger me what my
life would be like by the age of 16

I would probably answer that
I'll be taller than my father

have a lot of friends,
walk alone in the city,

be completely independent
and have a long, long hair.

I always had a lot of imagination
and I always loved to read.

Translating the letters into images
and sound,

though everything was religiously silent,

was a way for a kid, human and muggle,
to become special.

All stories made me really believe that

the material normal life wasn’t the only
one and that magic existed.

By a certain age I started to see black,

my vision would start to get dark
on the peripheral area,

until everything became black
and I would get a little dizzy,

but my imagination was so fertile,

that I thought it was something magical
that was happening to me

or that I was getting secret information
from the universe.

I always wanted to be special

but while I was growing up
I had to deal with the fact that

the magic world was getting each day
more distant from me.

I would get inside the closet in my house

and I thought that if I really forgot
about the panel at the back,

it would disintegrate and I would be
able to reach Nárnia.

But I didn't discover a magic
wardrobe at 8,

and I didn't receive my Hogwarts
letter at 11,

and a satyr didn't tell me I was a
demigod by 12.

So my last hope was that Gandalf would
take me on adventure by the age of 50.

But, on the mean time, by the age of 13,

I suddenly became someone special,

though it really wasn’t
the way I ask it for.

Actually the universe wasn't giving
me secret information,

but it was dragging me into a black hole.

By the day of September 23rd, of 2015,
at 7:35 in the morning,

I got late to my old school, as always,

because the city bus took too much
time to get to my house, as always.

I walked in class and fell.

In the middle of the class,
in front of everyone.

I didn’t see a backpack
that was on the floor.

I got to my seat and I realized I couldn’t
see the letters on the chalkboard.

I couldn’t read.

So I called my mom and later that day
I went to the hospital,

thinking about how cool it would be
to have a nice pair of glasses.

But I didn’t get them, I didn’t even
leave the hospital that day.

I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus,

not a very creative word that means
you have too much liquid in your brain,

and I’ll tell you a spoiler,

in my case it was because a glioma was
formed in the passage

between the first and third ventricle,

on the base of my head.

This wouldn’t let the liquid
in my brain flow,

it would get in and couldn’t leave,

what made my intracranial
pressure very high

and it was damaging my optical nerves.

But the doctors didn’t realize that.

I underwent one surgery, then another,
then another and another.

I was in a spiral, a cycle that every time
me and my parents were starting to get up,

life would hit us and we would fall,

and again and again.

My world turned upside down and
we were all anesthetized by the situation.

My magic thoughts were suddenly replaced
by a cascade of saints and entities,

that were just as immaterial
as my hope on Gandalf.

The problem was that the doctor felt
certain he knew what was wrong with me.

But since my problem was caused by a
completely different thing,

too much liquid was drained

so they transformed my problem
from high intracranial pressure

to extremely low pressure.

In 8 months, I underwent 4 surgeries
with this procedure

and 3 other ones to try to fix
the mess this doctor made.

But the damage was done.

Then I could finally come back to school,

but I wasn’t the same anymore.

Life continued for normal people and
I had lost many of the classic events

and teenage crisis which, honestly,
I don’t miss.

I basically spent one year sleeping,

because since literature was taken away
from me

this was the only way to sink in another
reality in the moment I most needed.

But hey, I’m here today.

There's a sentence that says:
I fell in a hole, came out as a giant.

That’s really how I feel,

because every time something hard happens
to you, there’s a force,

even if it’s almost unnoticeable,

that will bring you up again,

and this time you will be much wiser.

I can concentrate and have much
more focus on one thing now.

And eating, that's a completely
different experience.

Everytime I eat “bolinho de chuva”

raindrop cakes

I’m immediately transported to a good and
safe place where there are clouds of sugar

and cinnamon.

And also, when I hear or play music

that’s a way to escape from the
difficulties I pass in my life.

And now I can remember complete Bob
Dylan’s lyrics,

which is quite crazy.

My imagination is more intense than ever

because now I use it as one of the
most important senses.

It’s the one who allows me to
build a completely new world

based on what I have seen and on other
sensorial channels.

I have to use imagination as a creative
and logical instrument

to survive in this reality that relies
too much on visual stimulation.

And I can do that because there’s a
difference between looking and seeing

as there is between hearing and listening.

Seeing and listening aren't about an
accurate capacity of your senses,

but they mean sensibility,

to understand things and have empathy
with others,

so for this I think I can see better now
than before.

For an example, I can see you’re
paying attention.

In Greek mythology, the most
famous seer, Tiresias, was blind,

because he wasn’t fooled with the traps of
appearance and the visual world, you see?

I’m definitely not the 16 year old person
I thought I would be,

and I don’t have the life
I thought I would,

but if you ask me, would I want to go
back in time

and prevent this all from happening,

I learnt so much that I don’t want to
miss who I am now, the answer's no.

Thank you.