May I have this dance, please? | Pierre Dulaine | TEDxHollywood

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

In this talk, Pierre Dulaine teaches the art of respect through ballroom dancing in a world of technology, isolation, and human interaction. Dulaine has transformed his life and others through sharing the art of ballroom dancing with the world. His most important challenge hit closer to home — when he decided to return to Jaffa to teach Jewish and Palestinian Israeli children how to "dance with the enemy", depicted in the documentary "Dancing in Jaffa".

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

May I have this dance, please?

This is the question that has been asked
by many people, including myself.

When you touch someone
with respect, something changes.

But we no longer touch each other

with all of the new technology
around us today.

Many human beings no longer
communicate face-to-face.

We speak to each other
through text and faceless media.

It's much easier to avoid
our natural feelings and emotions.

The Spike Jonze's film, last year, "Her"
depicted what we could look forward to:

having a love relationship
with our computer.

Getting on to public transportation
or even getting into the elevator,

we no longer make eye contact,
or body contact for that fact.

We have become experts
at isolating ourselves.

This is a global issue.

Mr. Einstein said,

"I fear the day when technology
takes over our human interaction.

We will have a world of idiots -
a generation of idiots."

Well, I stand before you today
to show you another way

that's fun, easy, and will make
your life very, very different.

What if I told you, if you are shy,

you could become confident
and more self-assured?

What if I told you you could change
your physical demeanor?

And what if I told you,

you could have trust with someone
whom you don't know

and that person could even be an enemy?

All of this is possible
through ballroom dancing.

(Laughter)

"Pardon? What? Huh? Why?", you might ask.

Well, it forces two people
to stand facing each other,

look each other in the eye,
and move together.

All the while,

they get to know each other,
have fun in the embrace hold.

It changed my life,

and I'm going to show you
how it can change yours.

When I call you "ladies and gentlemen,"
you feel differently about yourself.

You sit up straighter,
you feel positive and confident,

and you send out
with your body language and your posture

a signal that you are
confident and assured.

When people come to me for lessons,

at the very beginning,
they would walk in like this.

Three months later, like this.

Six months later, standing a bit straight.

A year later, they leave
standing so tall and so straight,

feeling full of confidence
and looking elegant.

This is the magic of ballroom dancing.

It teaches many life skills,
such as self-respect, discipline,

teamwork, and good manners.

The invitation to dance,
the escort position, the embrace hold,

all create a relationship of respect.

The gentleman asking the lady,
"May I have this dance, please?"

She responds,"With pleasure."

He then escorts her onto the dance floor,
and takes her in the embrace hold.

When you treat someone with such respect,

they return the gesture, and now you are
in a relationship of give and take.

Here is a photograph

of my dancing partner of 38 years,
Yvonne Marceau, and myself.

And I'm really proud to tell you,
we won the World Championship four times.

(Cheers) (Applause)

Let's talk about touch.

When a human being dances
with another human being,

you get to know that person
in a way that you cannot describe.

You get to feel
their reaction to your touch,

and your impression of them is altered.

You could be dancing with someone
from another nationality,

another ethnic group,
another socioeconomic status, or race.

But when you touch that someone
and look them in the eye,

they now become a unique individual,

and not a label.

You have learned compassion.

Trust. Gentlemen, this is for you.

How many times have you gone out
dancing with your wives or girlfriends,

and found she starts leading you?

(Laughter)

Well, ladies feel the music
and learn the steps much faster.

When you dance with someone,
it requires a special relationship.

For me as a teacher,
I ask the lady to close her eyes.

It's incredible how well this works.

Asking the ladies to give up control,

trust their partner,
and just go with the flow.

How often in life can you relax
and trust the person you're with?

Now you're moving beautifully as one,
four feet pretending to be two.

You can't be angry or sad
while you're dancing.

The body changes,
and your soul is elevated.

Also, did you know that ballroom dancing
helps prevent dementia?

The study
at the Einstein Medical College said,

"Ballroom dancing
two or three times a week

reduced the risk of Alzheimers by 76%."

The nearest other study was doing
crossword puzzles four days a week,

and that was 47%.

Playing golf - forget about it.

(Laughter)

0%.

(Laughter)

It's true.

Ballroom dancing is for all ages.

So, with all due respect, I ask you,
get out of your computer chair

and go and learn to salsa,
or merengue, or some tango;

you'll even have a great time.

I was born in Jaffa in 1944.

My father was from Belfast,
Northern Ireland, and he was Protestant,

my mother Palestinian and Catholic.

Now, being Palestinian meant
we were uprooted from our home in 1948

for the creation of the state of Israel.

With nowhere else to go,
we landed in Amman in Jordan

where I grew up with a broken front tooth,
very shy, and did not like to smile.

Later on, as a teenager in England,
I was made fun of and bullied at school

because of the way I spoke English,
because of my accent.

Then one day, a school friend, Margaret,

asked me if I would like to join her
at a local dancing school.

I was so terrible at it, at the beginning.

And even though
my first dancing teacher

was shouting me, and I mean
really shouting at me,

because I couldn't hear
the 1-2-3 beats of the waltz,

I persevered and then made it my career.

Now, dancing with my dancing partner,
Yvonne Marceau,

in Grand Hotel on Broadway

allowed me to have my daytime hours free.

And knowing how much my life
had changed because of ballroom dancing,

I volunteered my services
at a New York City public school

where I tought 30 unwilling and unruly
11-year-old children to dance.

(Laughter)

They eventually liked it, and I loved it.

This became Dancing Classrooms,

the social and emotional
arts-in-education development program

designed to cultivate
essential life skills in children

through the practice of social dance.

To date, Dancing Classrooms,
I am proud to say, has instructed

over 400,000 children
in 31 cities around the world.

(Applause)

Studies have shown that the grades
of the students have gone up,

bullying has decreased,

and the whole school culture
has changed for the better.

My journey into
the New York City public schools

was depicted in the movie,
the feature film, "Take the Lead,"

starring Antonio Banderas,
portraying yours truly.

(Laughter)

I also had the privilege
of working in a school

exclusively for autistic children,

and one boy stands out in particular.

He did not like to speak
or have his voice heard.

And at the culminating party
where parents and friends were invited,

out of the blue, he suddenly steps
into the center of the circle

and announces to everybody,

what a great time he had had
and how much he loved to dance.

He was nine years old.

Tears flowed down from his parents' eyes.

There are so many other similar stories,

but ballroom dancing
isn't only for children.

It has worked
in psychiatric clinics in Geneva

where doctors and their caregivers
danced with their patients.

And the same thing in the adult
homeless shelter in Arizona.

In both situations,

a high percentage of the participants
began to feel normal again,

and they regained
their self-esteem and dignity,

all because they were treated
like ladies and gentlemen

through the social graces

that go hand in hand
with ballroom dancing.

Ballroom dancing even breaks barriers

between two peoples
that have been enemies for so long,

and overcome hatred,
prejudice and mistrust.

In 2011, I was able
to fulfill my lifelong dream:

I returned to Jaffa,

and I worked with Jewish
and Palestinian Israeli children

and brought them to dance together.

This was the hardest project
I have ever, ever done,

yet the most gratifying.

This was a very, very important moment.

It was the power of touch:

asking these ladies and gentlemen,
these boys and girls,

to dance together ballroom style.

My journey was documented
in the movie "Dancing in Jaffa",

and I also have to say
that if you change the children,

you change the parents and you also
then help change the world.

The trailer of the film
will give you an idea.

(Video) (Music)

Pierre Dulaine: Boys, come over here.

Lois and Alaa stand
next to each other, please.

PD: I was born in Jaffa, but we left
when I was four years old,

and what I can give back
to children is ballroom dancing.

The program is 10 weeks.

Palestinian and Jewish children together.

Woman 1: From the viewpoint of Islam,
boys and girls are not allowed to dance.

PD: May I have this dance, please?

Girl 1: Now we have to dance with them.

Girl 2: If my dad sees me
with an Arab, he'll kill me.

A Jew with an Arab.

Woman 1: You guys are together.
Boy 1: No. Woman 1: Why not?

PD: I think, we are going
to cancel this school.

[In a city torn between two cultures]

Jaffa is Jewish!

God is great and all praise to Allah!

Girl: Mom, I am shaking!
Woman: Come here, don't be afraid.

PD: What I'm asking them to do
is to dance with the enemy.

Girl 2: Where's your dad?

Boy 2: Do you know what a sperm bank is?
Girl 2: No.

(Music)

Woman 2: At the beginning,
she was like a closed flower.

Now she's like this.

Woman: Music!
Girl: Mom, stop!

PD: If you start with a child,

and they learn to respect
themselves first,

then they can respect other people
as they're growing up, this is my hope.

[Dancing in Jaffa]

(Video ends)

(Applause)

PD: Yes, something changes
when you dance with someone.

All you need to do is ask a partner,
"May I have this dance, please?"

In closing, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to ask you something.

When you leave this auditorium,
please, leave in escort position

(Laughter)

and feel how your posture,
how your stance will be,

and how much you will enjoy it.

Then go home, put on some music,

hold your partner in the embrace hold,

and watch your relationship change.

It will change your life,
one step at the time.

Good luck, thank you and good afternoon.

Thank you.

(Applause)