FOMO - The Fear of Missing Out: Bobby Mook at TEDxUNC

One of our student speakers, Chapel Hill native Bobby Mook, shared a current dysfunction in society called FOMO- The Fear of Missing Out. FOMO impedes us from achieving our goals as the question "Am I significant?" is the underlying disturbance. Bobby challenged us to reevaluate our reliance on technology and be content with living in the moment.

Imagine...

You're curled up in bed.
Book, open in your hands.

Enveloped in your warm blankets.

You're so excited about it

because you've had a long week
of work, and errands, and activities

and, if we are being honest,

you really couldn't be more excited
than to be in your bed.

Then, as you turn the page,
a friend texts you a video.

And as soon as you press
that regrettable finger to the play button,

your phone erupts with music

and as the beat drops
and the camera pans over the crowd,

you see all your best friends
at a packed house party

having the time of their lives!

And a massive wave of FOMO hits you.

(Laughter)

Whereas just a couple of moments before
you were blissfully happy in your bed,

now, you feel so inadequate.

Sitting in your bed at 10pm,
on a Friday night in your pyjamas.

(Laughter)

FOMO is an acronym
for the Fear Of Missing Out.

It's not a new human experience,

however today's society
has more channels than ever

that foster this fear.

But it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

When we understand it and recognize it,
it can guide us.

Everyone here can relate to
being at dinner with family or friends

and being distracted because your phone
is vibrating in your pocket

with texts or phone calls.

Or even worse.

Having a moment where you sit in complete
and terribly uncomfortable silence

as everyone around the table
has their heads down, texting.

So the fear of missing out
keeps us from connecting with people

but it does so much more than just that.

Think about a day where
from the moment you set foot out of bed

you were a blur of action,
clothes on, granola for the road,

rush between meetings
and meetings between phone calls

and finally you decided
to get a quick coffee break to rest;

but even when we try to rest,
we struggle with it.

We feel like we need
to be doing something

or talking to someone
or checking our phone.

We are definitely struggling

to look like we are sitting at a table
drinking our coffee alone.

So the fear of missing out
not only disconnects us from people

but it keeps us from enjoying
the present moment.

And the last effect
of the fear of missing out

is that impedes us
from achieving our goals.

At some point all of us
have procrastinated on a goal.

Those times where we know
we need to be doing something

to make a deadline but instead
we decide to do something else,

expediently, like hang out with friends
and watch the game.

And invariably in one of those nights,
we have a moment

where we realize
we've made a terrible mistake.

And that moment
generally goes something like this.

You're hanging out with your friends,
you're having a good time,

you remember that you have a deadline
fast approaching... and boom!

You have a huge pit of stress
in your stomach

and after that you can't enjoy anything.

All you can think about are the things
that you should've been doing,

the things that you should be doing,

and the terrible thought of failure.

From that point on,
you're distracted from your friends,

you can't enjoy where you are

and you are underachieving your goals.

And these effects are not new.

Just like Drake recoined Carpe Diem
with his terrible acronym YOLO,

(Laughter)

FOMO is a new word for something
that has afflicted humans forever.

For instance,
the Romans suffered from chronic FOMO,

and perhaps none suffered more
than Marcus Tullius Cicero.

Cicero had such bad FOMO
that he was horrified of missing out

anytime that he left the capital

and since he didn't have
something like Facebook to turn to...

(Laughter)

... he needed to find a new way
to deal with his FOMO.

So he arranged for letters to be sent
from the capital

that chronicled everything
from the political happenings

to, probably more importantly,
juicy gossip and scandals.

And the fear of missing out
becomes even more interesting

in the context of modern research.

In 1938 a study known
as the Harvard Grant study,

which is one of the most comprehensive
studies ever done

on the causes of happiness, began charting
the physical and emotional health

of 250 undergraduate men

and they tracked it
through all developmental phases.

Through young adulthood,
middle adulthood, and maturity.

And after 75 years, the study found
that across the board,

keys to being happy
are connection and accomplishment.

And if we think about the effects
of the fear of missing out,

it keeps us from connecting
and accomplishing.

So we need to do something about it.

But first, we need to talk about the role
that technology plays in all of this.

Don't get me wrong.
Connecting technology is incredible.

We have the ability
to connect with friends

instantaneously and from around the world.

But there is a limit
on how much we can connect

and when we overconnect
we feel the strain.

Studies show that
overuse of social media and cellphones

is correlated to higher anxiety
and lower performance.

But this shouldn't come as a surprise
to anyone.

A perceived obligation to have

a complete and constantly updated
social media representation of ourselves

can cause stress.

And texts from friends,
a couple missed calls from coworkers,

e-mails from everyone
and a couple of voicemails from people

like my mum who don't understand
that no one leaves voicemails anymore...

(Laughter)

... can cause stress.

But that being said,
this is pretty easy to fix.

If you are committed
to being at dinner with friends,

working on a project,
somebody trying to rest,

turn off distracting technologies.

And doing this will help
but it won't solve the problem

because the technology is not the reason
why we experience our fear of missing out.

It's just a medium for it.

We also use technology to cope.

We do things like change
our profile picture on Facebook,

hoping that it gets a lot of likes.

Or text distant friends saying:
Hey, how've you been?

I haven't seen you in forever.

Knowing how badly we need the response.

And don't get me wrong.

It's alright to feel good
if your profile picture

gets over a hundred likes.

In fact, that's awesome.
It must have been a cool picture.

(Laughter)

But that's only going to make you
briefly feel better

because it doesn't actually address
the source of our fear of missing out.

The reason that we experience
fear of missing out

is our struggle to answer
essential questions.

Will I be remembered?

Will anything I accomplish
be important to anyone?

Am I loved?

Does my family love me?

Do my friends love me?

Am I worth loving?

Or summarized into one
terribly simple question:

Am I significant?

And sometimes we just don't know
the answer to that question.

Am I significant?

That is the cause
of our fear of missing out.

But I have great news.

We will never be able to overcome
our fear of missing out.

(Laughter)

It's great news. It really is.

It's not possible to get over
this essential human fear.

And yes, this is great news.

The fear of missing out
compels us to love better,

to achieve greater and to live more.

The question that we should not be asking

is how can I overcome
my fear of missing out.

The question that we need to ask ourselves
is what is my fear telling me?

And when we understand the reason
for why we are experiencing our fear

it can guide us to a more fulfilling life.

The fear of missing out
is our natural alarm

and we can use it
to make better decisions.

Understand your fear of missing out
and do what makes you happy.

Thank you.

(Applause)