How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime

So I'm in a bar with a couple of friends,

literally a couple, married couple,
they're the parents of two young children,

seven academic degrees between them,

big nerds, really nice people
but very sleep-deprived,

and they ask me the question
I get asked more than any other question.

They go, "So, Emily,

how do you couples, you know,
sustain a strong sexual connection

over multiple decades?"

I'm a sex educator which is why
my friends ask me questions like this,

and I am also a big nerd like my friends.

I love science, which is why
I can give them something like an answer.

Research actually has
pretty solid evidence

that couples who sustain
strong sexual connections

over multiple decades

have two things in common.

Before I can tell my friends
what those two things are,

I have to tell them a few things
that they are not.

These are not couples
who have sex very often.

Almost none of us have sex very often.

We are busy.

They are also not couples who necessarily
have wild, adventurous sex.

One recent study actually found

that the couples
who are most strongly predicted

to have strong sexual
and relationship satisfaction,

the best predictor of that
is not what kind of sex they have

or how often or where they have it

but whether they cuddle after sex.

And they are not necessarily couples

who constantly can't wait
to keep their hands off each other.

Some of them are.

They experience what the researchers
call "spontaneous desire"

that just sort of seems
to appear out of the blue.

Erika Moen, the cartoonist
who illustrated my book,

draws spontaneous desire
as a lightning bolt to the genitals.

Ka-boom, you just want it out of the blue.

That is absolutely one normal,
healthy way to experience sexual desire.

But there's another healthy way
to experience sexual desire.

It's called responsive desire.

Where spontaneous desire seems
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,

responsive desire emerges
in response to pleasure.

There's a sex therapist in New Jersey
named Christine Hyde

who taught me this great metaphor
she uses with her clients.

She says, imagine that your best friend
invites you to a party.

You say yes because
it's your best friend and a party.

But then, as the date approaches,
you start thinking,

"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic,

employing child care.

Am I really going to want
to put my party clothes on

and get there at the end of the week?"

But you put on your party clothes
and you show up to the party,

and what happens?

You have a good time at the party.

If you are having fun at the party,

you are doing it right.

When it comes to a sexual connection,
it's the same thing.

You put on your party clothes,

you set up a child care,

you put your body in the bed,

you let your skin
touch your partner's skin

and allow your body to wake up
and remember, "Oh right, I like this.

I like this person."

That's responsive desire,

and it is key to understanding the couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection

over the long term,

because, and this is the part
where I tell my friends

the two characteristics of the couples
who do sustain a strong sexual connection,

one, they have a strong friendship
at the foundation of their relationship.

Specifically, they have strong trust.

Relationship researcher and therapist,
developer of emotionally focused therapy

Sue Johnson

boils trust down to this question:

are you there for me?

Especially, are you emotionally
present and available for me?

Friends are there for each other.

One.

The second characteristic
is that they prioritize sex.

They decide that it matters
for their relationship.

They choose to set aside all the other
things that they could be doing --

the children they could be raising
and the jobs they could be going to,

the other family members
to pay attention to,

the other friends they might
want to hang out with,

God forbid they just want
to watch some television or go to sleep.

Stop doing all that stuff
and create a protected space

where all you're going to do
is put your body in the bed

and let your skin
touch your partner's skin.

So that's it:

best friends, prioritize sex.

So I said this to my friends in the bar.

I was like, best friends, prioritize sex,
I told them about the party,

I said you put your skin
next to your partner's skin,

and one of the partners
I was talking to goes, "Aaaah."

And I was like, "OK,
so there's your problem."

(Laughter)

The difficulty was not that they did not
want to go to the party, necessarily.

If the difficulty is just a lack
of spontaneous desire for party,

you know what to do.

You put on your party clothes
and you show up for the party.

If you're having fun at the party,
you're doing it right.

Their difficulty was that this was party

where she didn't love
what there was available to eat,

the music was not her favorite music,

and she wasn't totally sure she felt great
about her relationships with people

who were at the party.

And this happens all the time,

nice people who love each other

come to dread sex.

These couples, if they seek sex therapy,

the therapist might have them stand up

and put as much distance
between their bodies as they need

in order to feel comfortable,

and the less interested partner
will make 20 feet of space.

And the really difficult part
is that space is not empty.

It is crowded with weeks
or months or more

of the, "You're not listening to me"

and "I don't know what's wrong with me
but your criticism isn't helping,"

and, "If you loved me, you would,"
and, "You're not there for me."

Years, maybe, of all
these difficult feelings.