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So I'm in a bar with a couple of friends,
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literally a couple, married couple,
they're the parents of two young children,
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seven academic degrees between them,
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big nerds, really nice people
but very sleep-deprived,
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and they ask me the question
I get asked more than any other question.
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They go, "So, Emily,
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how do you couples, you know,
sustain a strong sexual connection
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over multiple decades?"
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I'm a sex educator which is why
my friends ask me questions like this,
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and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
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I love science, which is why
I can give them something like an answer.
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Research actually has
pretty solid evidence
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that couples who sustain
strong sexual connections
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over multiple decades
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have two things in common.
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Before I can tell my friends
what those two things are,
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I have to tell them a few things
that they are not.
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These are not couples
who have sex very often.
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Almost none of us have sex very often.
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We are busy.
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They are also not couples who necessarily
have wild, adventurous sex.
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One recent study actually found
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that the couples
who are most strongly predicted
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to have strong sexual
and relationship satisfaction,
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the best predictor of that
is not what kind of sex they have
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or how often or where they have it
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but whether they cuddle after sex.
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And they are not necessarily couples
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who constantly can't wait
to keep their hands off each other.
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Some of them are.
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They experience what the researchers
call "spontaneous desire"
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that just sort of seems
to appear out of the blue.
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Erika Moen, the cartoonist
who illustrated my book,
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draws spontaneous desire
as a lightning bolt to the genitals.
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Ka-boom, you just want it out of the blue.
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That is absolutely one normal,
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
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But there's another healthy way
to experience sexual desire.
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It's called responsive desire.
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Where spontaneous desire seems
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
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responsive desire emerges
in response to pleasure.
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There's a sex therapist in New Jersey
named Christine Hyde
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who taught me this great metaphor
she uses with her clients.
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She says, imagine that your best friend
invites you to a party.
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You say yes because
it's your best friend and a party.
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But then, as the date approaches,
you start thinking,
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"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic,
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employing child care.
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Am I really going to want
to put my party clothes on
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and get there at the end of the week?"
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But you put on your party clothes
and you show up to the party,
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and what happens?
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You have a good time at the party.
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If you are having fun at the party,
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you are doing it right.
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When it comes to a sexual connection,
it's the same thing.
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You put on your party clothes,
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you set up a child care,
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you put your body in the bed,
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you let your skin
touch your partner's skin
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and allow your body to wake up
and remember, "Oh right, I like this.
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I like this person."
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That's responsive desire,
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and it is key to understanding the couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
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over the long term,
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because, and this is the part
where I tell my friends
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the two characteristics of the couples
who do sustain a strong sexual connection,
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one, they have a strong friendship
at the foundation of their relationship.
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Specifically, they have strong trust.
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Relationship researcher and therapist,
developer of emotionally focused therapy
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Sue Johnson
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boils trust down to this question:
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are you there for me?
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Especially, are you emotionally
present and available for me?
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Friends are there for each other.
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One.
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The second characteristic
is that they prioritize sex.