True Facts About The Armadillo

music : http://soundcloud.com/querflote

Pre-historic armadillo/Thomas Quine
http://www.flickr.com/photos/quinet/6885155353/

Taken at the Minnosota Science Museum: Dinosaurs and Fossils Gallery./Ryan Somma
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ideonexus/7321659460/

AFP/Getty Images

Armadillo/Cliff
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nostri-imago/3475185390/

Armadillo Coming Out Of Hole
Ben Pfeiffer

Baby Armadillos/2261889
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jr-Gep6QOr4

Screaming Armadillo/Joe Furman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPuOQxJOqh0

Screaming Hairy Armadillo/TropicEllie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hdIeDuHl-g

Armadillo Says Hello/LincolnChildrensZoo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wY3LxqYcHJw

The World Bird Sanctuary
http://www.youtube.com/user/WorldBirdSanctuary?feature=watch

Giant Armadillo/amareta kelly
http://www.flickr.com/photos/42409752@N07/6264985347/

Pink fairy armadillo/wikimediacommons
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Pink_fairy_armadillo_cropped.JPG

Tatou tronqué/wikimediacommons
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tatou_tronqu%C3%A9.JPG

#turtlecat/Alex Gunn
https://vine.co/v/hXQhh193Eem

Dillan the dillo & Westie "Roxi"/equinevetmed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4K3vkIoxHE

Perrin the scary Cat vs Dillan the Armadillo/equinevetmed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nErodkLxB80

Sleeping armadillo (Chaetophractus villosus) in a dutch zoo/ Micha Klootwijk
Shutterstock.com

A woman holds an armadillo, showing its belly. This is a juvenile three-banded armadillo./Matt Valentine
shutterstock.com

Chasing An Armadillo - 8 Seconds :)/Jeff Turner
http://www.flickr.com/photos/respres/2627976991/

Armadillo near Everglades/Heiko Kiera
shutterstock.com

Southern three-banded Armadillo/Joe Furman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uYTvITSamc

THE PLAYERS Championship - Preview Day 3/Richard Heathcote/Staff
gettyimages.com

All others:
Film Footage courtesy of Shutterstock, Inc., Used by Permission

Here are true facts about the
armadildo-hmph! That's a typo.

Here are true facts about
the armadildo. (sighs)

I said it again. Two times.

Armadillos are the last surviving
members of the order cingulata,

the armored, new-world mammals.

Back when animals were more bad-ass,
they were more cingulata,

like the two-ton Glyptodon, termed
the smaller pampatheriidae,

which could fart fire and teleport
two inches in any direction.

Who did this research?

Jerry? (mutters) Oh, geeze.

All that is left of this proud lineage
is the armadillo's ability

to eat fire ants,
which is kind of bad-ass.

The Aztecs called the armadillo "turtle-rabbit".

In Spanish its name translates
to "little armored one."

And in Texas, they are sometimes referred
to as "an opossum on a half shell".

This is because the armadillo
has plates of dermal bone on its back,

covered with horn and leathery skin.

Imagine having a bunch
of horny bones on your back,

constantly rubbing together--
I can't read this.

No, I understand it's
technically right, but...

(sighs in frustration) Okay.

Hence the armadillo is like
a tiny gladiator, with only weak spot:

its entire belly.

Yes, it can take a downward blow,
but it is vulnerable to the leg sweep.

Or stepping on a tiny landmine.

Or falling into a pit of boners.
Alright, that doesn't exist.

No, I do understand. I mean,
yes it's technically vulnerable to that.

But I'm saying there is no such thing
as a pit of boners in nature.

It's-It's not a threat.

Alright, I'll keeping going,
but Jerry's an idiot.

For the armadillo, when water
is concerned, everything is the deep end.

Therefore it has the ability to hold
its breath for up to six minutes at a time.

There are many species of armadillo,
like the giant armadillo

named so because it
is a five-foot long giant.

The screaming armadillo,
named so because--

(shrill screaming)

As well as the miniature six-inch
long pink fairy armadillo.

That's not a fairy. Fairies have
wings and tiny underpants.

I've seen them.

Other species are named
by the number of bands

they have in the middle of their backs.

The three-banded--uh, that's a cat.

The three-banded armadillo is
the only species of armadillo

that rolls up into a ball when threatened.

Just imagine if, when you
got scared, your first instict

was to put your face as close
to your [bleep] as possible.

Right up in there.

That is how the three-banded armadillo do.

In contrast, the nine-banded armadillo
can't roll up into anything.

So it jumps straight up in the air,
three feet, when threatened.

This is a remarkable defense
against...pretty much nothing.

And it is the opposite of what
you should do in the face...

..of a charging Honda, for example.

Because of all of its armor,
it can be a geometric challenge

for the armadillo to mate.

Because of this, the armadillo
males have a very tiny penis.

No, that's not true. It's giant.

It's, like, a third the size of its body.

I'm just tired of all these
animals having giant penises.

I'm not jealous. I mean, it's not like
you can do much with them.

Maybe prop up your iPad when
you're reading or hold the door.

I don't know.

Science has learned much from
the armadillo, and not just about the penis!

For example, some armadillos
are polyembryonic,

creating four identical babies
from a single embryo.

Also, because of its unusually
low body temperature,

the armadillo is susceptible to leprosy.

Each year, 50-80 people contract
leprosy from handling armadillos.

Just remember: if you spend all
of your life hiding behind your armor,

you're almost likely to spend
a lot of time sniffing your own butt.

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