WEBVTT

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Here are true facts about the 
armadildo-hmph! That's a typo.

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Here are true facts about
the armadildo. (sighs)

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I said it again. Two times.

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Armadillos are the last surviving 
members of the order cingulata,

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the armored, new-world mammals.

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Back when animals were more bad-ass, 
they were more cingulata,

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like the two-ton Glyptodon, termed 
the smaller pampatheriidae,


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which could fart fire and teleport 
two inches in any direction.

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Who did this research?

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Jerry? (mutters) Oh, geeze.

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All that is left of this proud lineage 
is the armadillo's ability

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to eat fire ants,
which is kind of bad-ass.

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The Aztecs called the armadillo "turtle-rabbit".

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In Spanish its name translates 
to "little armored one."

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And in Texas, they are sometimes referred 
to as "an opossum on a half shell".

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This is because the armadillo 
has plates of dermal bone on its back,

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covered with horn and leathery skin.

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Imagine having a bunch 
of horny bones on your back,

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constantly rubbing together--
I can't read this.

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No, I understand it's
technically right, but...

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(sighs in frustration) Okay.

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Hence the armadillo is like
a tiny gladiator, with only weak spot:

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its entire belly.

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Yes, it can take a downward blow,
but it is vulnerable to the leg sweep.

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Or stepping on a tiny landmine.

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Or falling into a pit of boners. 
Alright, that doesn't exist.

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No, I do understand. I mean,
yes it's technically vulnerable to that.

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But I'm saying there is no such thing 
as a pit of boners in nature.

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It's-It's not a threat.

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Alright, I'll keeping going, 
but Jerry's an idiot.

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For the armadillo, when water
is concerned, everything is the deep end.

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Therefore it has the ability to hold
its breath for up to six minutes at a time.

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There are many species of armadillo, 
like the giant armadillo

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named so because it 
is a five-foot long giant.

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The screaming armadillo, 
named so because--

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(shrill screaming)

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As well as the miniature six-inch
long pink fairy armadillo.

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That's not a fairy. Fairies have 
wings and tiny underpants.

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I've seen them.

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Other species are named
by the number of bands

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they have in the middle of their backs.

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The three-banded--uh, that's a cat.

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The three-banded armadillo is 
the only species of armadillo

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that rolls up into a ball when threatened.

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Just imagine if, when you 
got scared, your first instict

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was to put your face as close
to your [bleep] as possible.

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Right up in there.

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That is how the three-banded armadillo do.

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In contrast, the nine-banded armadillo
can't roll up into anything.

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So it jumps straight up in the air, 
three feet, when threatened.

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This is a remarkable defense 
against...pretty much nothing.

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And it is the opposite of what 
you should do in the face...

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..of a charging Honda, for example.

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Because of all of its armor, 
it can be a geometric challenge

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for the armadillo to mate.

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Because of this, the armadillo 
males have a very tiny penis.

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No, that's not true. It's giant.

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It's, like, a third the size of its body.

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I'm just tired of all these 
animals having giant penises.

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I'm not jealous. I mean, it's not like
you can do much with them.

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Maybe prop up your iPad when 
you're reading or hold the door.

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I don't know.

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Science has learned much from 
the armadillo, and not just about the penis!

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For example, some armadillos 
are polyembryonic,

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creating four identical babies
from a single embryo.

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Also, because of its unusually
low body temperature,

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the armadillo is susceptible to leprosy.

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Each year, 50-80 people contract
leprosy from handling armadillos.

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Just remember: if you spend all 
of your life hiding behind your armor,

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you're almost likely to spend 
a lot of time sniffing your own butt.

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