Here are true facts about the armadildo-hmph! That's a typo.
Here are true facts about the armadildo. (sighs)
I said it again. Two times.
Armadillos are the last surviving members of the order cingulata,
the armored, new-world mammals.
Back when animals were more bad-ass, they were more cingulata,
like the two-ton Glyptodon, termed the smaller pampatheriidae,
which could fart fire and teleport two inches in any direction.
Who did this research?
Jerry? (mutters) Oh, geeze.
All that is left of this proud lineage is the armadillo's ability
to eat fire ants, which is kind of bad-ass.
The Aztecs called the armadillo "turtle-rabbit".
In Spanish its name translates to "little armored one."
And in Texas, they are sometimes referred to as "an opossum on a half shell".
This is because the armadillo has plates of dermal bone on its back,
covered with horn and leathery skin.
Imagine having a bunch of horny bones on your back,
constantly rubbing together-- I can't read this.
No, I understand it's technically right, but...
(sighs in frustration) Okay.
Hence the armadillo is like a tiny gladiator, with only weak spot:
its entire belly.
Yes, it can take a downward blow, but it is vulnerable to the leg sweep.
Or stepping on a tiny landmine.
Or falling into a pit of boners. Alright, that doesn't exist.
No, I do understand. I mean, yes it's technically vulnerable to that.
But I'm saying there is no such thing as a pit of boners in nature.
It's-It's not a threat.
Alright, I'll keeping going, but Jerry's an idiot.
For the armadillo, when water is concerned, everything is the deep end.
Therefore it has the ability to hold its breath for up to six minutes at a time.
There are many species of armadillo, like the giant armadillo
named so because it is a five-foot long giant.
The screaming armadillo, named so because--
(shrill screaming)
As well as the miniature six-inch long pink fairy armadillo.
That's not a fairy. Fairies have wings and tiny underpants.
I've seen them.
Other species are named by the number of bands
they have in the middle of their backs.
The three-banded--uh, that's a cat.
The three-banded armadillo is the only species of armadillo
that rolls up into a ball when threatened.
Just imagine if, when you got scared, your first instict
was to put your face as close to your [bleep] as possible.
Right up in there.
That is how the three-banded armadillo do.
In contrast, the nine-banded armadillo can't roll up into anything.
So it jumps straight up in the air, three feet, when threatened.
This is a remarkable defense against...pretty much nothing.
And it is the opposite of what you should do in the face...
..of a charging Honda, for example.
Because of all of its armor, it can be a geometric challenge
for the armadillo to mate.
Because of this, the armadillo males have a very tiny penis.
No, that's not true. It's giant.
It's, like, a third the size of its body.
I'm just tired of all these animals having giant penises.
I'm not jealous. I mean, it's not like you can do much with them.
Maybe prop up your iPad when you're reading or hold the door.
I don't know.
Science has learned much from the armadillo, and not just about the penis!
For example, some armadillos are polyembryonic,
creating four identical babies from a single embryo.
Also, because of its unusually low body temperature,
the armadillo is susceptible to leprosy.
Each year, 50-80 people contract leprosy from handling armadillos.
Just remember: if you spend all of your life hiding behind your armor,
you're almost likely to spend a lot of time sniffing your own butt.
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