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Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett

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    There’s something
    that increases our risk of death
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    more than excessive drinking,
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    more than chronic exposure
    to air pollution,
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    more than obesity,
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    something that increases our risk
    of death as much as excessive smoking:
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    social isolation, a sense
    of disconnection, loneliness,
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    according to an analysis of 148 studies
    with over 300,000 people.
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    I know this place of isolation
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    deep inside me.
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    It started in Hong Kong when I was
    a preschooler about this high.
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    Chinese girls are typically given flowery
    names by their parents,
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    like “Liang Hua,”
    meaning “Lotus Blossom,”
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    “Hsieng Yi,” "Friendship from the Heart."
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    My parents, being health professionals,
    named me “Kang Cheng,”
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    meaning “Healthy and Straight.”
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    Well, I was scrawny,
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    and I had poor posture.
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    My classmates teased me mercilessly.
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    I spent a lot of time alone.
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    Being innately shy,
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    it didn’t get any better
    in elementary school.
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    When I was 12, we immigrated
    to the United States.
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    I entered a junior high school with 1,200
    students where I was one of 2 Asians,
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    and my sense of isolation continued.
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    I worked really hard, though,
    to figure out how do I make friends,
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    and I started developing
    a core group of girlfriends
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    with whom I could engage in boy talk
    late into the hours of the night.
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    When I was 16, I got a job
    at a Chinese restaurant, as a waitress,
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    and this really helped
    my connection skills blossom.
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    So rather than asking my customers,
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    “What are you having for dinner tonight?
    May I take your order?,"
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    I let them know that they really
    mattered to me as people.
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    With my body language,
    my eye contact, my smile,
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    I was asking them,
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    “Who are you really underneath
    your social mask?
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    How’s your heart feeling?
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    How’s my heart feeling?”
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    I got powerful feedback in the form
    of not just their warm responses,
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    but in tips that were often
    more than 25% of the total bill.
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    I feel really proud and humble
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    that I was able to overcome
    intense shyness and awkwardness
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    to be able to connect
    with just about anyone.
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    I took those skills into college
    and graduate school.
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    I became a clinical psychologist
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    and the co-creator of
    Functional Analytic Psychotherapy
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    with my spouse Bob Kohlenberg.
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    It’s a therapy that focuses
    on the power of the connection
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    between therapist and client
    as the vehicle in creating change.
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    As a developer and researcher of methods
    of creating extraordinary interaction,
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    I finally found a sense
    of belonging in a tribe
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    and I have dedicated my life to helping
    others feel the same way.
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    So I’m here today to share with you
    three simple but powerful steps
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    in a formula to create
    extraordinary interaction.
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    “Extraordinary” comes
    from Latin term “extra ordinem,”
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    outside the normal course of events.
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    Synonyms are: "remarkable,"
    "exceptional," and "unforgettable."
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    There are three components
    to an extraordinary interaction:
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    open-hearted disclosure
    of what feels vulnerable
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    and outside of one’s comfort zone,
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    there’s being received with warmth,
    acceptance and non-judgment,
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    expressed appreciation of everyone
    involved in the interaction.
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    Since I’m a scientist, it’s taking all my
    self-restraint to not inundate you
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    with data to convince you
    that this three-step formula really works.
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    What I’ve done is I narrowed it down
    to one data slide that is representative
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    of the work my colleagues and I do
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    at University of Washington’s Center
    for Science of Social Connection.
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    In this one study,
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    77 undergraduates had encounters
    with research assistants
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    who were open-hearted, warm, appreciative.
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    They just answered questions like what
    I’m going to be sharing with you today,
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    such as, “What does your heart long for?”
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    One measure of impact that we used was
    the “Inclusion of Other in Self Scale”
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    which has circles indicating
    how close you feel to someone.
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    Before they interacted, subjects
    indicated that they felt separate
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    from the research assistants,
    which is to be expected.
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    And then after engaging
    in these penetrating questions
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    that were mutually responded to,
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    this is how close they felt.
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    So, a sense of separateness
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    transforms into a sense of closeness
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    through short open-hearted conversations.
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    More importantly, it’s the visceral
    sense of what happens
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    when you have a close interaction.
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    I’ll never forget the student who told me,
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    after participating in the study,
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    that she was so moved
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    she was going to change her major
    from engineering to psychology,
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    so that she could become
    a clinical psychologist!
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    (Laughter)
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    To give you more of an emotional sense
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    of what extraordinary
    interactions can be like,
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    I’m going to show you a video
    in which I facilitated
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    these really powerful experiences
    using six questions.
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    These are snippets, what you’ll see
    are snippets of conversations
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    between relative strangers
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    who came to my Live with Awareness,
    Courage and Love Meetup
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    at the University of Washington,
    and who volunteered to be in this video.
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    They are very brave souls.
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    What I said to them was:
    “Just be yourself,
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    be open-hearted in self-disclosing
    when I pose you questions,
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    and listen to your partners with warmth.
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    Just let them know 'I’m here. Really
    listening. I’m not judging you.'"
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    So watch for how they
    disclose with vulnerability,
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    listen with acceptance,
    and express appreciation.
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    (Video)
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    [Creating extraordinary interactions]
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    What's a strong value
    or conviction you have
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    that you're willing
    to make sacrifices for?
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    That all the things I believe
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    that other people deserve,
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    to believe that I deserve them.
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    It's that...
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    people are good.
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    Authenticity,
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    being real.
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    What does your heart long for?
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    A place that feels like home.
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    That, no matter what, I am lovable,
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    To, like, let people in more,
    and not be so afraid of that.
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    I pretend that...
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    It's okay, I don't need other people,
    I don't need that connection.
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    I pretend to be stronger
    than I am at times.
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    I don't always feel very capable
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    of just being in this world
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    and living life.
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    If I had the courage, I would...
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    I would tell my story
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    to the whole world.
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    My partner being in a state hospital
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    because he tried to kill himself.
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    I'd have some really hard conversations,
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    some conversations that need to be had
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    with people that are really close to me.
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    I'd probably retire...
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    right now.
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    What's a truth that feels scary
    or vulnerable to admit?
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    I have a lot of friends...
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    I'm always active and busy,
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    but I always feel alone.
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    I'm lonely for emotional connection.
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    What do you appreciate about the person
    you've been sharing with?
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    I really appreciate
    your being here with me,
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    with no jugdment,
    but kindness and generosity.
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    I appreciate your...
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    seeing me and hearing me.
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    I appreciate that what's
    inside you is so real,
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    and so much like me.
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    It doesn’t take a scientist
    to see how connected they felt
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    after disclosing with vulnerability,
    listening with acceptance,
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    and expressing appreciation.
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    Take these questions
    and make them your own.
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    Use them in line at the grocery store with
    strangers, at parties with acquaintances.
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    Use them with someone close to you.
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    I know, though, that it can feel
    really scary and risky to do this,
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    so what I’m going to do now is
    step outside of my comfort zone,
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    even more than I already
    have by giving this talk,
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    and answering the question
    that’s the toughest:
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    “What’s a truth that feels
    vulnerable or scary to admit?”
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    It’s this.
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    My partner of 39 years,
    the love of my life,
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    is 17 years older than me,
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    so chances are he’s going to go before me,
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    and I’m going to feel
    really lost without him.
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    He’s enriched the joy and the meaning
    of my life beyond measure
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    with his wondrous presence,
    his passionate love, his fertile mind,
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    his steadfast support of who I am.
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    I can’t imagine living my life
    without my North Star.
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    This talk is dedicated to you, Bob.
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    If I can do this in front of an audience,
    you can do it with individuals.
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    Who could you have
    an extraordinary interaction with?
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    Who pops into your mind right now?
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    Try it and post about
    your experiences on Facebook
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    at the Create Extraordinary
    Interactions page,
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    so that you can inspire
    everyone else to do the same.
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    Remember a huge body
    of scientific evidence
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    shows that our ability to form
    close connections
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    not only increases
    our mental and physical health,
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    but interpersonal closeness
    helps us live longer.
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    Together we can enhance
    everyone’s well-being
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    and sense of belonging in this world.
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    Let’s do it!
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    Thank you.
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    (Applause)
Title:
Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett
Description:

Our ability to form close connections is not only at the core of our mental health, but interpersonal closeness helps us live longer. Mavis Tsai presents the components of an extraordinary interaction and six powerful questions you can share with others to create unforgettable conversations.

Mavis Tsai, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist/research scientist and Associate Director of University of Washington’s Center for Science of Social Connection. She has gained a world-wide following as the co-creator of Functional Analytic Psychotherapy (FAP), a contextual behavioral and relational therapy that harnesses the power of the therapeutic relationship to transform clients’ lives. She is the co-author/editor of five text books on FAP (some of which have been translated into Portuguese, Spanish, Japanese and Italian) and over 60 articles and book chapters. She received Washington State Psychological Association’s 2014 Distinguished Psychologist Award in recognition of outstanding contributions to knowledge in clinical psychology. Her most recent and passionate work is in training volunteers in five continents to launch Live with Awareness, Courage and Love Meetups, which address the need for people to connect more authentically with themselves and with others, and to spread the

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDxTalks
Duration:
15:26

English subtitles

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