Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett
-
0:09 - 0:14There’s something
that increases our risk of death -
0:14 - 0:15more than excessive drinking,
-
0:17 - 0:21more than chronic exposure
to air pollution, -
0:22 - 0:24more than obesity,
-
0:26 - 0:31something that increases our risk
of death as much as excessive smoking: -
0:36 - 0:42social isolation, a sense
of disconnection, loneliness, -
0:42 - 0:48according to an analysis of 148 studies
with over 300,000 people. -
0:51 - 0:56I know this place of isolation
-
0:57 - 0:58deep inside me.
-
0:59 - 1:05It started in Hong Kong when I was
a preschooler about this high. -
1:07 - 1:11Chinese girls are typically given flowery
names by their parents, -
1:11 - 1:17like “Liang Hua,”
meaning “Lotus Blossom,” -
1:18 - 1:22“Hsieng Yi,” "Friendship from the Heart."
-
1:22 - 1:28My parents, being health professionals,
named me “Kang Cheng,” -
1:28 - 1:31meaning “Healthy and Straight.”
-
1:33 - 1:35Well, I was scrawny,
-
1:36 - 1:38and I had poor posture.
-
1:39 - 1:43My classmates teased me mercilessly.
-
1:43 - 1:46I spent a lot of time alone.
-
1:48 - 1:50Being innately shy,
-
1:52 - 1:54it didn’t get any better
in elementary school. -
1:55 - 1:58When I was 12, we immigrated
to the United States. -
1:58 - 2:03I entered a junior high school with 1,200
students where I was one of 2 Asians, -
2:03 - 2:06and my sense of isolation continued.
-
2:07 - 2:13I worked really hard, though,
to figure out how do I make friends, -
2:14 - 2:19and I started developing
a core group of girlfriends -
2:19 - 2:23with whom I could engage in boy talk
late into the hours of the night. -
2:25 - 2:31When I was 16, I got a job
at a Chinese restaurant, as a waitress, -
2:31 - 2:35and this really helped
my connection skills blossom. -
2:36 - 2:40So rather than asking my customers,
-
2:41 - 2:45“What are you having for dinner tonight?
May I take your order?," -
2:45 - 2:49I let them know that they really
mattered to me as people. -
2:51 - 2:57With my body language,
my eye contact, my smile, -
2:58 - 3:00I was asking them,
-
3:01 - 3:06“Who are you really underneath
your social mask? -
3:07 - 3:09How’s your heart feeling?
-
3:10 - 3:11How’s my heart feeling?”
-
3:14 - 3:19I got powerful feedback in the form
of not just their warm responses, -
3:20 - 3:26but in tips that were often
more than 25% of the total bill. -
3:28 - 3:31I feel really proud and humble
-
3:33 - 3:38that I was able to overcome
intense shyness and awkwardness -
3:40 - 3:42to be able to connect
with just about anyone. -
3:42 - 3:46I took those skills into college
and graduate school. -
3:46 - 3:48I became a clinical psychologist
-
3:48 - 3:52and the co-creator of
Functional Analytic Psychotherapy -
3:52 - 3:54with my spouse Bob Kohlenberg.
-
3:54 - 3:58It’s a therapy that focuses
on the power of the connection -
3:58 - 4:04between therapist and client
as the vehicle in creating change. -
4:05 - 4:11As a developer and researcher of methods
of creating extraordinary interaction, -
4:11 - 4:18I finally found a sense
of belonging in a tribe -
4:21 - 4:26and I have dedicated my life to helping
others feel the same way. -
4:30 - 4:37So I’m here today to share with you
three simple but powerful steps -
4:37 - 4:41in a formula to create
extraordinary interaction. -
4:43 - 4:48“Extraordinary” comes
from Latin term “extra ordinem,” -
4:48 - 4:50outside the normal course of events.
-
4:50 - 4:56Synonyms are: "remarkable,"
"exceptional," and "unforgettable." -
4:57 - 5:01There are three components
to an extraordinary interaction: -
5:03 - 5:06open-hearted disclosure
of what feels vulnerable -
5:06 - 5:08and outside of one’s comfort zone,
-
5:10 - 5:15there’s being received with warmth,
acceptance and non-judgment, -
5:17 - 5:21expressed appreciation of everyone
involved in the interaction. -
5:24 - 5:28Since I’m a scientist, it’s taking all my
self-restraint to not inundate you -
5:28 - 5:35with data to convince you
that this three-step formula really works. -
5:36 - 5:41What I’ve done is I narrowed it down
to one data slide that is representative -
5:41 - 5:44of the work my colleagues and I do
-
5:44 - 5:49at University of Washington’s Center
for Science of Social Connection. -
5:50 - 5:51In this one study,
-
5:53 - 6:0077 undergraduates had encounters
with research assistants -
6:00 - 6:06who were open-hearted, warm, appreciative.
-
6:08 - 6:15They just answered questions like what
I’m going to be sharing with you today, -
6:16 - 6:21such as, “What does your heart long for?”
-
6:25 - 6:30One measure of impact that we used was
the “Inclusion of Other in Self Scale” -
6:30 - 6:36which has circles indicating
how close you feel to someone. -
6:37 - 6:42Before they interacted, subjects
indicated that they felt separate -
6:44 - 6:47from the research assistants,
which is to be expected. -
6:49 - 6:53And then after engaging
in these penetrating questions -
6:54 - 6:56that were mutually responded to,
-
6:58 - 7:02this is how close they felt.
-
7:08 - 7:12So, a sense of separateness
-
7:13 - 7:18transforms into a sense of closeness
-
7:19 - 7:22through short open-hearted conversations.
-
7:24 - 7:28More importantly, it’s the visceral
sense of what happens -
7:28 - 7:30when you have a close interaction.
-
7:30 - 7:34I’ll never forget the student who told me,
-
7:34 - 7:37after participating in the study,
-
7:37 - 7:39that she was so moved
-
7:39 - 7:43she was going to change her major
from engineering to psychology, -
7:43 - 7:46so that she could become
a clinical psychologist! -
7:46 - 7:48(Laughter)
-
7:51 - 7:55To give you more of an emotional sense
-
7:55 - 7:59of what extraordinary
interactions can be like, -
8:00 - 8:03I’m going to show you a video
in which I facilitated -
8:05 - 8:11these really powerful experiences
using six questions. -
8:12 - 8:18These are snippets, what you’ll see
are snippets of conversations -
8:18 - 8:21between relative strangers
-
8:21 - 8:25who came to my Live with Awareness,
Courage and Love Meetup -
8:25 - 8:30at the University of Washington,
and who volunteered to be in this video. -
8:30 - 8:33They are very brave souls.
-
8:35 - 8:39What I said to them was:
“Just be yourself, -
8:40 - 8:45be open-hearted in self-disclosing
when I pose you questions, -
8:45 - 8:49and listen to your partners with warmth.
-
8:49 - 8:55Just let them know 'I’m here. Really
listening. I’m not judging you.'" -
8:56 - 8:59So watch for how they
disclose with vulnerability, -
8:59 - 9:04listen with acceptance,
and express appreciation. -
9:04 - 9:05(Video)
-
9:05 - 9:07[Creating extraordinary interactions]
-
9:08 - 9:11What's a strong value
or conviction you have -
9:11 - 9:13that you're willing
to make sacrifices for? -
9:13 - 9:16That all the things I believe
-
9:17 - 9:19that other people deserve,
-
9:19 - 9:21to believe that I deserve them.
-
9:22 - 9:23It's that...
-
9:24 - 9:26people are good.
-
9:28 - 9:29Authenticity,
-
9:30 - 9:31being real.
-
9:34 - 9:36What does your heart long for?
-
9:39 - 9:41A place that feels like home.
-
9:44 - 9:48That, no matter what, I am lovable,
-
9:48 - 9:53To, like, let people in more,
and not be so afraid of that. -
9:55 - 9:57I pretend that...
-
9:57 - 10:01It's okay, I don't need other people,
I don't need that connection. -
10:01 - 10:06I pretend to be stronger
than I am at times. -
10:09 - 10:11I don't always feel very capable
-
10:12 - 10:16of just being in this world
-
10:16 - 10:19and living life.
-
10:20 - 10:23If I had the courage, I would...
-
10:25 - 10:27I would tell my story
-
10:28 - 10:30to the whole world.
-
10:35 - 10:39My partner being in a state hospital
-
10:51 - 10:53because he tried to kill himself.
-
10:54 - 10:56I'd have some really hard conversations,
-
10:56 - 10:59some conversations that need to be had
-
10:59 - 11:02with people that are really close to me.
-
11:02 - 11:04I'd probably retire...
-
11:05 - 11:07right now.
-
11:09 - 11:12What's a truth that feels scary
or vulnerable to admit? -
11:13 - 11:15I have a lot of friends...
-
11:16 - 11:19I'm always active and busy,
-
11:20 - 11:22but I always feel alone.
-
11:24 - 11:28I'm lonely for emotional connection.
-
11:29 - 11:33What do you appreciate about the person
you've been sharing with? -
11:35 - 11:38I really appreciate
your being here with me, -
11:38 - 11:43with no jugdment,
but kindness and generosity. -
11:45 - 11:47I appreciate your...
-
11:49 - 11:52seeing me and hearing me.
-
11:52 - 11:57I appreciate that what's
inside you is so real, -
11:59 - 12:01and so much like me.
-
12:05 - 12:08It doesn’t take a scientist
to see how connected they felt -
12:08 - 12:11after disclosing with vulnerability,
listening with acceptance, -
12:11 - 12:13and expressing appreciation.
-
12:16 - 12:19Take these questions
and make them your own. -
12:19 - 12:25Use them in line at the grocery store with
strangers, at parties with acquaintances. -
12:26 - 12:28Use them with someone close to you.
-
12:29 - 12:36I know, though, that it can feel
really scary and risky to do this, -
12:36 - 12:41so what I’m going to do now is
step outside of my comfort zone, -
12:41 - 12:44even more than I already
have by giving this talk, -
12:44 - 12:49and answering the question
that’s the toughest: -
12:50 - 12:54“What’s a truth that feels
vulnerable or scary to admit?” -
12:54 - 12:55It’s this.
-
12:58 - 13:04My partner of 39 years,
the love of my life, -
13:04 - 13:08is 17 years older than me,
-
13:08 - 13:13so chances are he’s going to go before me,
-
13:14 - 13:19and I’m going to feel
really lost without him. -
13:22 - 13:28He’s enriched the joy and the meaning
of my life beyond measure -
13:28 - 13:34with his wondrous presence,
his passionate love, his fertile mind, -
13:34 - 13:38his steadfast support of who I am.
-
13:41 - 13:48I can’t imagine living my life
without my North Star. -
13:51 - 13:54This talk is dedicated to you, Bob.
-
13:57 - 14:04If I can do this in front of an audience,
you can do it with individuals. -
14:08 - 14:13Who could you have
an extraordinary interaction with? -
14:13 - 14:15Who pops into your mind right now?
-
14:21 - 14:26Try it and post about
your experiences on Facebook -
14:26 - 14:29at the Create Extraordinary
Interactions page, -
14:29 - 14:33so that you can inspire
everyone else to do the same. -
14:35 - 14:39Remember a huge body
of scientific evidence -
14:39 - 14:43shows that our ability to form
close connections -
14:43 - 14:47not only increases
our mental and physical health, -
14:47 - 14:52but interpersonal closeness
helps us live longer. -
14:54 - 14:59Together we can enhance
everyone’s well-being -
15:00 - 15:02and sense of belonging in this world.
-
15:02 - 15:03Let’s do it!
-
15:03 - 15:04Thank you.
-
15:04 - 15:06(Applause)
- Title:
- Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett
- Description:
-
Our ability to form close connections is not only at the core of our mental health, but interpersonal closeness helps us live longer. Mavis Tsai presents the components of an extraordinary interaction and six powerful questions you can share with others to create unforgettable conversations.
Mavis Tsai, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist/research scientist and Associate Director of University of Washington’s Center for Science of Social Connection. She has gained a world-wide following as the co-creator of Functional Analytic Psychotherapy (FAP), a contextual behavioral and relational therapy that harnesses the power of the therapeutic relationship to transform clients’ lives. She is the co-author/editor of five text books on FAP (some of which have been translated into Portuguese, Spanish, Japanese and Italian) and over 60 articles and book chapters. She received Washington State Psychological Association’s 2014 Distinguished Psychologist Award in recognition of outstanding contributions to knowledge in clinical psychology. Her most recent and passionate work is in training volunteers in five continents to launch Live with Awareness, Courage and Love Meetups, which address the need for people to connect more authentically with themselves and with others, and to spread the
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:26
![]() |
Leonardo Silva approved English subtitles for Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett | |
![]() |
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett | |
![]() |
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett | |
![]() |
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett | |
![]() |
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett | |
![]() |
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett | |
![]() |
ACBS Fan accepted English subtitles for Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett | |
![]() |
ACBS Fan edited English subtitles for Create extraordinary interactions | Mavis Tsai | TEDxEverett |