Suzanne Foxton 1 - 'No Body In Particular' - Interview by Renate McNay
-
0:08 - 0:11Hello and welcome to Conscious TV
-
0:11 - 0:14My name is Renate McNay
-
0:14 - 0:16Today, in this studio with me is
-
0:16 - 0:17Suzanne Foxton
-
0:17 - 0:18Hello Suzanne
-
0:18 - 0:19Hi Renate
-
0:19 - 0:22Renate: Grace was shining on Suzanne,
-
0:22 - 0:26and she awakened while she was washing dishes,
-
0:26 - 0:30and we are going to find out the story about it.
-
0:32 - 0:35So can you talk us through, Suzanne,
-
0:35 - 0:38how that happened and when it happened?
-
0:38 - 0:40Suzanne: Well,
-
0:41 - 0:45the biggest sort of quality of it happening was that...
-
0:48 - 0:50what I was looking for was always
-
0:50 - 0:52right there in the first place, so,
-
0:53 - 0:55I can tell the story of what seemed
-
0:55 - 0:58to happen leading up to that...
-
0:58 - 0:59But just to preface it by saying
-
0:59 - 1:01it doesn't really matter
-
1:01 - 1:01it's not important.
-
1:01 - 1:03And this kind of thing seems
-
1:03 - 1:05to happen in so many
-
1:05 - 1:06different ways
-
1:06 - 1:08for different people...
-
1:08 - 1:09But I was going through some
-
1:09 - 1:11therapy.
-
1:11 - 1:14Three years ago or so,
-
1:14 - 1:17and was at a real...
-
1:17 - 1:20I was very suicidal and
-
1:20 - 1:23it was just the classic existential crisis.
-
1:23 - 1:25Renate: Yes, you were in a depression?
-
1:25 - 1:26Suzanne: Oh yes, big depression.
-
1:26 - 1:27Renate: Yes.
-
1:27 - 1:31Suzanne: No meaning, just looking at a big void.
-
1:32 - 1:34And many people will know just
-
1:34 - 1:35what I'm talking about.
-
1:35 - 1:39It was terrible, terrible. It was awful, it was hell.
-
1:39 - 1:42And I had a sort of big breakdown
-
1:42 - 1:44and went into hospital
-
1:44 - 1:48and I was very, very malnourished and underweight,
-
1:48 - 1:52and I spent a lot of time just getting my health back...
-
1:52 - 1:55I started therapy for the depression
-
1:55 - 1:58and I was probably
-
1:58 - 1:59just very fortunate that the person
-
1:59 - 2:01who was there to help me
-
2:03 - 2:06was a little bit of a traditional seeker
-
2:06 - 2:07I suppose, of enlightenment
-
2:07 - 2:08or whatever
-
2:08 - 2:10you might call it,
-
2:10 - 2:11and he introduced this a little bit
-
2:11 - 2:13into the therapy.
-
2:13 - 2:14Most of the therapy
-
2:14 - 2:16had a lot to do with
-
2:16 - 2:17just peeling away
-
2:17 - 2:18an incredible sense of
-
2:18 - 2:20worthlessness
-
2:20 - 2:22that really came into it a lot.
-
2:22 - 2:25And feeling utterly unworthy which is,
-
2:25 - 2:27I suppose, the big problem with
-
2:27 - 2:29the ego:
-
2:29 - 2:31it's just a little constructed
-
2:31 - 2:33thing that’s given away too much
-
2:33 - 2:34responsibility and feels
-
2:34 - 2:35really unworthy. So...
-
2:35 - 2:37Renate: So you had a difficult
-
2:37 - 2:39childhood. I guess?
-
2:39 - 2:40Suzanne: Well, I had
-
2:40 - 2:43some difficulties in childhood
-
2:43 - 2:46but I wouldn't blame my parents...
-
2:46 - 2:47Renate: Sure.
-
2:47 - 2:49Suzanne: ...at all, you know, it’s...
-
2:49 - 2:50We have no control over
-
2:50 - 2:52these things,
-
2:52 - 2:54and I know the way I responded
-
2:54 - 2:56was quite bad, rather than
-
2:56 - 2:57what actually
-
2:57 - 2:59might have happened to me; so that was quite
-
2:59 - 3:01difficult and I had
-
3:01 - 3:03a very difficult adolescence,
-
3:03 - 3:04I suppose,
-
3:04 - 3:06and did lots of experimenting
-
3:06 - 3:08with altering my state of mind.
-
3:08 - 3:10And I was very dependent
-
3:10 - 3:11on alcohol
-
3:11 - 3:12and other substances
-
3:12 - 3:15and was just basically desperate
-
3:15 - 3:17to be anywhere
-
3:17 - 3:19but where I was;
-
3:19 - 3:20desperate to get out of
-
3:20 - 3:23my head in any way I could.
-
3:24 - 3:28Whatever was in front of me was never enough
-
3:28 - 3:30it was never good enough,
-
3:30 - 3:32or else it was terrible.
-
3:32 - 3:35And I wanted to leave.
-
3:35 - 3:38I never could just be there,
-
3:38 - 3:38just be there,
-
3:38 - 3:42so when I had this sort of big existential crisis
-
3:42 - 3:43or whatever [voice becoming shaky],
-
3:43 - 3:46depression and suicide
-
3:46 - 3:48and all that, which so many people go through,
-
3:48 - 3:51I was really suffering;
-
3:51 - 3:54it was really awful.
-
3:54 - 3:58I suppose the therapy substituted
-
3:58 - 4:00with what other people
-
4:00 - 4:02might practice in other ways,
-
4:02 - 4:04you know. It was just a peeling
-
4:04 - 4:06away of the ego
-
4:06 - 4:10and the need to be validated. And in some strange
-
4:10 - 4:11convoluted way.
-
4:11 - 4:13I was validated
-
4:13 - 4:15and loved by the therapist,
-
4:15 - 4:18and also by my friends and family.
-
4:18 - 4:20And that sense of worthlessness
-
4:20 - 4:22got peeled away through that;
-
4:22 - 4:23and just sort of a being
-
4:23 - 4:24and a presence
-
4:24 - 4:25with other people
-
4:25 - 4:28became enjoyable
-
4:28 - 4:31and I was able to appreciate it.
-
4:31 - 4:32And then I had this thing
-
4:32 - 4:34with the knife [laughing],
-
4:34 - 4:35washing up.
-
4:35 - 4:37Renate: Yes, so tell us that thing with the knife.
-
4:37 - 4:40Suzanne: Well, the thing with the knife:
-
4:40 - 4:44I was just washing up and was...
-
4:44 - 4:45I had never been a traditional
-
4:45 - 4:46seeker in the way
-
4:46 - 4:49that some people are,
-
4:49 - 4:51but I had these recently
-
4:51 - 4:53introduced ideas about it
-
4:53 - 4:55about the meaning of life,
-
4:55 - 4:57what is it? What is...?
-
4:58 - 4:59We are all one,
-
4:59 - 5:01you know, that kind of thing,
-
5:01 - 5:02very vague and nebulous.
-
5:02 - 5:04But then I looked at the knife
-
5:04 - 5:05and it just seemed to be
-
5:05 - 5:06very much itself.
-
5:06 - 5:07I don't know...
-
5:07 - 5:09Renate: So the knife was itself?
-
5:09 - 5:10Suzanne: The knife became
-
5:10 - 5:13very 'knife-ish' [laughing]
-
5:13 - 5:14it's very, very,
-
5:14 - 5:15very hard to describe,
-
5:15 - 5:17except that I then just saw
-
5:17 - 5:19that everything had always been
-
5:19 - 5:21like that, the whole time,
-
5:21 - 5:23with maybe something
-
5:23 - 5:24in the way of it
-
5:24 - 5:26(we could call that the ego if you like;
-
5:26 - 5:28something like that).
-
5:28 - 5:29And I was just not able
-
5:29 - 5:32to fully appreciate it until then.
-
5:32 - 5:35But I think if I could just say,
-
5:35 - 5:38it's maybe a bit dangerous
-
5:38 - 5:40in a way to describe
-
5:40 - 5:42a certain happening,
-
5:42 - 5:45a big event that seems to happen
-
5:45 - 5:46and an awakening ‘ah-ha!’ moment,
-
5:46 - 5:48because often...
-
5:48 - 5:50that's not the case, I think,
-
5:50 - 5:53with some people; it’s a very gradual,
-
5:53 - 5:55gentle sort of a thing.
-
5:55 - 5:57But for me it just had to be “Whoa"
-
5:57 - 5:59"Whoa" here I am!” [laughs]
-
5:59 - 6:00Renate: Yes.
-
6:00 - 6:02Suzanne: And whatever I was looking for
-
6:02 - 6:04was this knife and whatever else
-
6:04 - 6:06happened to be around.
-
6:06 - 6:08Renate: Yes. So what happened
-
6:08 - 6:10after you saw the real
-
6:10 - 6:14nature in the knife [laughing]?
-
6:14 - 6:17Suzanne: Well, what happened?
-
6:17 - 6:19It doesn't really matter,
-
6:19 - 6:21but I did have a sort of a moment
-
6:21 - 6:23there where I was crouching
-
6:23 - 6:26on the kitchen floor going “Whoa!”
-
6:26 - 6:28a bit like Bill and Ted in
-
6:28 - 6:31their ‘Excellent Adventure’ “Whoa, whoa!”
-
6:31 - 6:34But it didn’t really last that long,
-
6:34 - 6:36and that was kind of fun.
-
6:36 - 6:39A sort of internal visual thing
-
6:39 - 6:40of all creation forming in on
-
6:40 - 6:42itself again and again
-
6:42 - 6:44and kind of winking in and out
-
6:44 - 6:45of existence over and over.
-
6:45 - 6:46Something like that.
-
6:46 - 6:47It's very hard to describe.
-
6:47 - 6:50Renate: So you knew
-
6:50 - 6:51what you were experiencing in
-
6:51 - 6:52this moment?
-
6:52 - 6:55You didn’t have any doubts coming in,
-
6:55 - 6:57or you didn't have any thought like,
-
6:57 - 6:58“Oh my God, I am getting crazy!”?
-
6:58 - 7:00Suzanne: Yes, well, I think that
-
7:00 - 7:02afterwards, yes I did |laughing]!
-
7:02 - 7:05I got some sort of
-
7:05 - 7:09a physiological, phenomenal thing
-
7:09 - 7:11where I was... I felt like I was
-
7:11 - 7:11seeing things
-
7:11 - 7:13maybe slightly above
-
7:13 - 7:15the usual where the eyes
-
7:15 - 7:16come out
-
7:16 - 7:17And I did think...
-
7:17 - 7:19And I was still in therapy
-
7:19 - 7:23and I was thinking "Am I going nuts?"
-
7:23 - 7:24And so I was just searching
-
7:24 - 7:25on the internet,
-
7:25 - 7:27as one does these days,
-
7:27 - 7:29and I came across
-
7:29 - 7:31Stanley Sobottka's Course
-
7:31 - 7:34in Consciousness.
-
7:34 - 7:35He’s a quantum physicist at
-
7:35 - 7:37the University Of Virginia
-
7:37 - 7:39and he wrote...
-
7:39 - 7:41He had a whole tome of about
-
7:41 - 7:43two hundred pages, about
-
7:43 - 7:44the scientific way
-
7:44 - 7:46of getting there.
-
7:46 - 7:47He was an atomic physicist
-
7:47 - 7:49so he was looking at the atom
-
7:49 - 7:51and how it’s all spaced,
-
7:51 - 7:52and that there don't seem to be
-
7:52 - 7:53any rules and
-
7:53 - 7:55there doesn’t seem to be anything
-
7:55 - 7:56there and how he came to some
-
7:56 - 7:57kind of enlightenment through that.
-
7:57 - 7:58Renate: O really?
-
7:58 - 7:59Suzanne: Yeah. And at the end of
-
7:59 - 8:02of that tome, Tony Parsons
-
8:02 - 8:04was cited.
-
8:04 - 8:05Which he’s quite local;
-
8:05 - 8:07he's the only one in UK that was cited.
-
8:07 - 8:10And so I went to see him,
-
8:10 - 8:11and just some of the words that
-
8:11 - 8:13he used just... It just reassured
-
8:13 - 8:14my mind that
-
8:14 - 8:16it wasn't going mad, you know;
-
8:16 - 8:18that it was just...
-
8:18 - 8:21seeing things very clearly
-
8:22 - 8:23and without some of
-
8:23 - 8:27the usual safeguards that
-
8:27 - 8:29the mind puts in place perhaps.
-
8:29 - 8:30And that’s why my perspective
-
8:30 - 8:32was slightly different;
-
8:32 - 8:35things would seem to actually
-
8:35 - 8:37visually disappear
-
8:37 - 8:39and that kind of thing.
-
8:39 - 8:41And that really doesn't seem to be
-
8:41 - 8:43an issue at the moment
-
8:43 - 8:48it just.. Everything seems very
-
8:48 - 8:50much itself and it always has done.
-
8:50 - 8:52Renate: Yes. So when you say,
-
8:52 - 8:54"Things started disappearing" -
-
8:54 - 8:58is that something you still experience?
-
8:58 - 9:02Suzanne: Not really. I mean,
-
9:02 - 9:04a lot of people who write and
-
9:04 - 9:08talk about this kind of thing
-
9:09 - 9:11they do go on about the
-
9:11 - 9:13importance of not thinking and
-
9:13 - 9:15you must not think
-
9:15 - 9:17and clear your mind of thoughts.
-
9:17 - 9:19And if I do... If my mind doesn't seem
-
9:19 - 9:23to be terribly engaged, you know
-
9:23 - 9:25with thinking and planning
-
9:25 - 9:27and 'whatever-ing', then yes
-
9:27 - 9:29sometimes actual physical
-
9:29 - 9:30objects can just seem to waver
-
9:30 - 9:33around a bit, you know...
-
9:33 - 9:36But I wouldn’t say this is
-
9:36 - 9:37a necessary thing, or a thing
-
9:37 - 9:38that people should be
-
9:38 - 9:39looking for, it’s just,
-
9:39 - 9:41you know the mind is going
-
9:40 - 9:44to do funny things sometimes.
- Title:
- Suzanne Foxton 1 - 'No Body In Particular' - Interview by Renate McNay
- Description:
-
Suzanne Foxton - 'No Body In Particular' - Interview by Renate McNay
Suzanne Foxton is a mother and artist who works and lives in Kew in the United Kingdom. She was born a Hoosier (native of the US state of Indiana). She says she muddles along as best as she can, like most of humanity. Suzanne believes the particulars of her story are unimportant and she doesn't take much of anything too seriously. Her blog, Nothing Exists Despite Appearances, is an attempt to point to the infinite, eternal, and ultimately non-existent nature of reality. She began writing the blog to avoid having to talk to anyone about Non-Duality, as she found that the revelation of the true nature of existence tends to alienate people in manifested reality. Now she continues to write because it's fun. Everything she ever thought was important is gone; what is left is everything and nothing, boundless and beautiful. In this interview Suzanne shares with all of us the pain and despair she experienced in her life up to the point when manifested reality revealed itself and 'story' became unimportant.
- Video Language:
- English, British
- Duration:
- 09:44
alorsvoila non-duality edited English subtitles for Suzanne Foxton 1 - 'No Body In Particular' - Interview by Renate McNay | ||
alorsvoila non-duality edited English subtitles for Suzanne Foxton 1 - 'No Body In Particular' - Interview by Renate McNay | ||
alorsvoila non-duality edited English subtitles for Suzanne Foxton 1 - 'No Body In Particular' - Interview by Renate McNay | ||
alorsvoila non-duality edited English subtitles for Suzanne Foxton 1 - 'No Body In Particular' - Interview by Renate McNay | ||
alorsvoila non-duality edited English subtitles for Suzanne Foxton 1 - 'No Body In Particular' - Interview by Renate McNay |