Narcissism - Teal Swan

Narcissism

Narcissism finds its roots
in Greek mythology.

Narcissus was a man
who fell in love with his own reflection

in a pool of water.

In today's terms,

narcissism means to derive
gratification out of vanity,

or the egotistical admiration
of one's own attributes.

It is seen as a form
of self-defeating pride.

I for one, completely disagree with
this view of narcissism.

There is absolutely nothing
wrong with Narcissus.

Appreciating, falling in love with
one's own attributes

is a good thing.

It's a hell of a lot better
than trying to be selfless,

which is not actually possible.

But our culture has been
heavily influenced

for thousands of years
by biblical Christianity,

which recognizes self-love as vanity
and ultimately as pride.

Now, pride as you may know,
is one of the original seven sins.

And so, sadly, Narcissus
has become the poster child,

not only for self-love, but for pride.

As a result, we confuse
self-love with selfishness

when they are drastically
different things.

It is crucial when we are trying
to understand narcissism,

to separate out in our minds

the difference between
self-love and selfishness.

Most people think narcissism
is an extreme force of self-love.

This is not the case.

Narcissism happens
when someone perceives

an extreme lack in resources like love.

Self-love is defined as a deep devotion
or affection for yourself.

And this really should be the case.

Because you opted into
your one perspective

that you call by your name,

you are the only one
that will be with you until you die.

You should be
your number one priority in life

and you should love yourself
above everything else.

Selfishness is defined as concern

only for one's own welfare,
benefit and interests

regardless of the impact on others.

Selfishness is not a natural state.

It only occurs
when a person is focused on

and convinced of the lack in their life.

We so often confuse
self-love and selfishness

when there is an enormous
difference between the two;

Selfishness is created

when a person who not know 
how to love themselves

and meet their own needs,
feels that internal deprivation

and then spends their time
trying to fill that hole externally.

It is very uncomfortable to spend time
around a selfish individual

because you will constantly feel like
that person is taking and taking from you.

They do not know how to get
or create what they want

without taking it from someone else.

They do not know
how to love themselves.

So, their life depends on getting you
to give them those things.

If you don't,
they are at a loss of what to do.

They feel powerless and they get angry
because they are scared.

But when we take a step back,
compassion will show us

that they come from a space
of internal starvation.

Expecting them not to
jump at the opportunity

to take what they are starving for,

is like expecting a starving child
to not steal food.

People who are considered 
selfish like the narcissist,

and people who are considered selfless
like the self sacrificer,

both come from
the same mentality of lack.

That is why they are
a perfect vibrational match

and why they continue to
find one another.

Both of them see energy in the world,
especially love,

as a finite resource
that can be used up.

They do not recognize it
for the eternal stream of energy

that is infinite and always flowing.

The selfless person feels
as if they must surrender love

and other resources,

because of the belief
that giving it to themselves

means they are depriving someone else
of that love and those resources.

As if there is only so much to go around.

The selfish person also thinks
there is only so much to go around,

but they feel no deep connection
or affinity with other people

and so they think they must take
love and other resources from them

otherwise, they will not have
enough to survive themselves.

When you are completely in alignment,

there is no way for anyone 
to take enough energy from you

that you would ever feel a deficiency,

because the stream of energy

that is flowing through your body,
is infinite.

Honestly, a narcissist
is not likely to watch this video,

and if they do,

they're definitely not likely to
identify themselves as a narcissist,

and to find healing.

The reason is, to find healing,

a narcissist has to admit to
the repressed trauma within their being.

They have to relive the pain

which created the condition
in the first place.

And that pain which is
deeply repressed and forgotten

is so painful that a narcissist
would rather avoid it,

than confront it.

I will say that
the two most crucial things

for a narcissists to do to find healing is

#1. To change their beliefs

about the hostility
of the world that they live in,

and about themselves,
and their own self-worth

so that they can start to develop
a capacity for intimacy.

That intimacy will enable them
to feel a connection with other people

and that connection will enable them
to feel affinity for people.

It will then enable them
to care about others.

#2. They need to develop 
an abundance mentality

about all aspects of life,
from money, to love...

Everything in their life needs to
be seen as an infinite resource,

not as a limited resource
that they don't have enough of.

Even though there is always
the rare exception,

narcissists are created
in a very specific way.

The narcissist was a child
who was unable to conform

to the fantasy that one parent,
or another, or both

held for the child's
personality or behavior.

They cannot figure out
how to please the adult.

As a result,

the child was treated as if
they were willful and difficult.

This child was the problem child.

The parent personalized
the child's behavior

and developed resistance to the child.

The parent then punished the child
in covert and overt ways.

They called the child
selfish and ungrateful.

They resented the child
on a deep level,

and as a result,
the child was seen as a threat

on a subconscious level,
by the adult.

The environment between the child
and this primary attachment figure

was therefore, a hostile one

on an emotional level
and perhaps even a physical level.

As a result,

this child could not attach to
its primary attachment figure.

They do not attach to adults.

They do not trust adults.

Instead, they develop
a selfish and hostile worldview

because they feel so unloved.

They believe that
the world is the same

as their relationship
with their parent is,

that the world is without
warmth, acceptance and love.

They close down emotionally.

They believe that the world is unsafe,

and that everyone is out for their own.

They lose hope for being lovable,
they feel completely unworthy,

and embark on a mission
to feel good about themselves.

Shame, distrust, rage,
and neediness accumulate

over the child's life
into adulthood,

in an unloving world
where they do not deserve love,

they cannot get love,

and they cannot get their needs met
freely from others.

They have to manipulate people
to get what they need.

This is what creates the foundation
of narcissistic personality disorder,

which is not a disorder,
it is an adaptation.

It is not a joke,

narcissistic parents breed
either narcissistic children,

or powerlessly codependent,
selfless children.

Most people who seek fame,
seek fame

because they grew up
in this kind of environment,

because their lives are nothing but
a perpetual search for self-worth.

This is the real reason
why most people in Hollywood

can't make relationships work.

It's because their capacity to love

is dependent upon
their primary relationship,

which was one
which developed narcissism.

Compassion is necessary
when dealing with narcissists.

The truth about narcissists

is that they live with
some of the most painful beliefs

and therefore some of
the most painful lives

that can be found on this earth.

Most people believe that narcissism
is an extreme form of self pride,

that these people have
high levels of self esteem.

The truth could not be farther from this.

These people seek self gratification
in the form of esteem,

they search for self-worth perpetually,

because they have
low levels of self esteem.

They don't have pride,

what they have is
a terrible sense of self-worth.

But, what should we do

if we chronically attract narcissists
into our life?

If we attract narcissists into our life,

it's time to look at
our own past traumas

and our own personalities.

Many people who attract
narcissistic people into their lives,

just like the narcissist,

had self-centered parents 
or caregivers growing up.

They felt unloved by their parents,

because they grew up feeling like 
their parents were constantly

trying to take from them,
instead of give to them.

Narcissistic parents

tend to treat their children
like extensions of themselves.

As a result, their children are used
to achieve something for themselves.

Pageant moms
are a good example of this.

Their children do not feel seen,
or valued for who they really are.

As a result, this becomes a trauma.

The being of any person 
desires to heal trauma

and so, when this child grows up
they will find themselves

recreating the relationship
with their parents,

either with friends or bosses
or significant others.

They do this in order to
try to solve the original trauma.

If they can get someone
like mommy or daddy,

who is just as selfish, to love them,

then in a way,
they can heal from their past

because they conquered that trauma.

They can feel like mommy or daddy
does love them.

But here's the catch:

If they can't get someone
like mommy or daddy to love them,

then it means they are unlovable

and that their parents
were right about them.

We attract people into our lives

that are at the same emotional level
that we are at.

This is why the narcissists
and the people who are self sacrificers

find themselves together so often.

But, this is also good news.

It means that the more that
we heal our own personality structure

and our own traumas,

the more of a match
we will be to people

who are capable of
a reciprocal relationship,

the less we will attract
a narcissist into our lives,

and the less we will be narcissistic.

So, you're probably wondering

"How do I know whether
I have a narcissistic person in my life?"

If you wanna know,
ask yourself these questions:

#1. Is there a reciprocity
in the relationship,

or is one person always the giver
and the other always the taker?

#2. Are you able to be yourself
in the relationship?

Do you feel like you have to
play down your talents

to make them feel less threatened?

Or does this friend celebrate you

and allow you to shine
in your own right?

#3. Is there a sharing of vulnerability
on both sides?

Meaning, that you can both discuss
your real feelings with each other?

#4. Do you trust this person
with your feelings,

or do you find yourself on guard?

Have they ever used
your feelings against you?

#5. Can your friend give you
empathy and understanding,

or do they give you sympathy
which makes you feel less than them?

#6. Does this friend
bring out the best in you?

Do you feel good about yourself
in the presence of this person?

Do you get to be your real self,
both in good times and in bad times?

#7. When issues come up
that need to be discussed,

is this friend accountable
for their own behavior?

Are they capable of self awareness
and self evaluation?

#8. Are you allowed to have
healthy boundaries with this person?

When setting boundaries,
does it cause problems between you?

Do you feel like setting boundaries
would mean losing them?

Or are your needs and wants
understood

and easily worked through
between the two of you?

#9. Do you care about each other
for who you are as people,

rather than what you do
in your accomplishments

or do for them?

#10. Does the friend exploit you 
for his or her own ends?

Or value what you bring
to the relationship?

If you find that you have the tendency

to line yourself up with narcissists,

it will be very crucial for you
to define a healthy sense of boundaries.

An easy way to understand boundaries

is that they are always defined
by your feelings.

If you honor your feelings,
you honor your boundaries.

Those of you
who line up with narcissists,

would benefit by looking up
my video on YouTube titled:

Oneness vs. Boundaries
(How To Develop Healthy Boundaries)

You are not going to be able to
cause a narcissist

to start caring about you
and to start healing.

This needs to be something
they want to do

in and of themselves.

Which is why it's so crucial

for you to focus on
your own aspect of healing,

and not make it about 
changing anything about the narcissist.

But beware when you begin to
honor your own boundaries

that you will see much less
of the narcissist.

True narcissists are energy vampires.

If you do not let them
feed off of your energy,

they will leave to find
another person to feed off of

out of necessity,

because they do not yet know how to
generate energy within themselves.

You do not want to be near someone

who feeds off of your energy
perpetually.

So let them go.

Let their place in your life
be filled by people

who have the capacity for love,
intimacy and reciprocation.

If you tend to attract a narcissist,

it's a good idea to watch
my YouTube video titled:

"Energy Vampires" as well.

I don't want to make it seem like

it's impossible
to rehabilitate a narcissist,

because it is.

In fact, unconditional love

is the vibration that will
rehabilitate a narcissist.

But chances are,

if the narcissist in your life
is bothering you,

it's because you have
unhealed aspects of yourself.

That's the unhealed
trying to heal the unhealed,

and it never works like that.

So what you need to do
is be very honest with yourself

about whether it's self loving

to offer unconditional love
to a narcissist,

or whether that is self hating.

Is it instead, self loving for you to
allow yourself to set boundaries

and to go in the direction
of loving relationships instead?

If you are a person 
who attracts narcissists

it is crucial that you begin to figure out
your own needs and wants

and to honor them.

It is also crucial that you examine
your outdated beliefs

about selfishness
and about self-sacrifice.

Have realistic expectations
of a narcissist.

Think of them like a starving child.

Asking a starving child to share food
is an unrealistic expectation.

But this is what we are doing

when we are expecting reciprocation
from a narcissist.

If you adjust
your expectations of them,

and get your needs met elsewhere,

it will be easier
to let them be how they are

and not take their behaviors
so personally.

Do not expect to be able to
please this person.

Their belief is that
there is never enough for them,

which means no matter
how much you give them,

they are still stuck in scarcity

and are unlikely to wake up to
the abundance of love they have

as a result of you.

The other thing that we need to do

is recognize that
all that narcissists is doing

is mirroring vibrations
and suppressed feelings within us.

So, take a good look at
how the narcissist is making you feel.

Do they make you feel
unloved, unworthy?

Do you feel invisible?

Do you feel used?

Get into an attitude of pre-manifestation

and recognize the fact

that these feelings were
already present within you

in the first place.

In fact, they had to be present

for you to even attract
this person into your reality.

Where did those feelings really begin?

We need to make the healing process
relative to narcissism

about ourselves,
instead of about the narcissist

if we're going to find healing.

We need to understand that
they are only mirroring us,

that our entire reality, in fact,
is only mirroring vibrations within us.

We will find improvement
in these areas of our lives

the minute that we start to
address the issues themselves within us,

instead of continue to remain distracted
by the external reflection.

A narcissist is nothing more

than a reflection of those
unhealed parts within ourselves.

Have a good week.

Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte
@tanyaduarte / tanyaduarte.com