Narcissism
Narcissism finds its roots in Greek mythology.
Narcissus was a man who fell in love with his own reflection
in a pool of water.
In today's terms,
narcissism means to derive gratification out of vanity,
or the egotistical admiration of one's own attributes.
It is seen as a form of self-defeating pride.
I for one, completely disagree with this view of narcissism.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with Narcissus.
Appreciating, falling in love with one's own attributes
is a good thing.
It's a hell of a lot better than trying to be selfless,
which is not actually possible.
But our culture has been heavily influenced
for thousands of years by biblical Christianity,
which recognizes self-love as vanity and ultimately as pride.
Now, pride as you may know, is one of the original seven sins.
And so, sadly, Narcissus has become the poster child,
not only for self-love, but for pride.
As a result, we confuse self-love with selfishness
when they are drastically different things.
It is crucial when we are trying to understand narcissism,
to separate out in our minds
the difference between self-love and selfishness.
Most people think narcissism is an extreme force of self-love.
This is not the case.
Narcissism happens when someone perceives
an extreme lack in resources like love.
Self-love is defined as a deep devotion or affection for yourself.
And this really should be the case.
Because you opted into your one perspective
that you call by your name,
you are the only one that will be with you until you die.
You should be your number one priority in life
and you should love yourself above everything else.
Selfishness is defined as concern
only for one's own welfare, benefit and interests
regardless of the impact on others.
Selfishness is not a natural state.
It only occurs when a person is focused on
and convinced of the lack in their life.
We so often confuse self-love and selfishness
when there is an enormous difference between the two;
Selfishness is created
when a person who not know how to love themselves
and meet their own needs, feels that internal deprivation
and then spends their time trying to fill that hole externally.
It is very uncomfortable to spend time around a selfish individual
because you will constantly feel like that person is taking and taking from you.
They do not know how to get or create what they want
without taking it from someone else.
They do not know how to love themselves.
So, their life depends on getting you to give them those things.
If you don't, they are at a loss of what to do.
They feel powerless and they get angry because they are scared.
But when we take a step back, compassion will show us
that they come from a space of internal starvation.
Expecting them not to jump at the opportunity
to take what they are starving for,
is like expecting a starving child to not steal food.
People who are considered selfish like the narcissist,
and people who are considered selfless like the self sacrificer,
both come from the same mentality of lack.
That is why they are a perfect vibrational match
and why they continue to find one another.
Both of them see energy in the world, especially love,
as a finite resource that can be used up.
They do not recognize it for the eternal stream of energy
that is infinite and always flowing.
The selfless person feels as if they must surrender love
and other resources,
because of the belief that giving it to themselves
means they are depriving someone else of that love and those resources.
As if there is only so much to go around.
The selfish person also thinks there is only so much to go around,
but they feel no deep connection or affinity with other people
and so they think they must take love and other resources from them
otherwise, they will not have enough to survive themselves.
When you are completely in alignment,
there is no way for anyone to take enough energy from you
that you would ever feel a deficiency,
because the stream of energy
that is flowing through your body, is infinite.
Honestly, a narcissist is not likely to watch this video,
and if they do,
they're definitely not likely to identify themselves as a narcissist,
and to find healing.
The reason is, to find healing,
a narcissist has to admit to the repressed trauma within their being.
They have to relive the pain
which created the condition in the first place.
And that pain which is deeply repressed and forgotten
is so painful that a narcissist would rather avoid it,
than confront it.
I will say that the two most crucial things
for a narcissists to do to find healing is
#1. To change their beliefs
about the hostility of the world that they live in,
and about themselves, and their own self-worth
so that they can start to develop a capacity for intimacy.
That intimacy will enable them to feel a connection with other people
and that connection will enable them to feel affinity for people.
It will then enable them to care about others.
#2. They need to develop an abundance mentality
about all aspects of life, from money, to love...
Everything in their life needs to be seen as an infinite resource,
not as a limited resource that they don't have enough of.
Even though there is always the rare exception,
narcissists are created in a very specific way.
The narcissist was a child who was unable to conform
to the fantasy that one parent, or another, or both
held for the child's personality or behavior.
They cannot figure out how to please the adult.
As a result,
the child was treated as if they were willful and difficult.
This child was the problem child.
The parent personalized the child's behavior
and developed resistance to the child.
The parent then punished the child in covert and overt ways.
They called the child selfish and ungrateful.
They resented the child on a deep level,
and as a result, the child was seen as a threat
on a subconscious level, by the adult.
The environment between the child and this primary attachment figure
was therefore, a hostile one
on an emotional level and perhaps even a physical level.
As a result,
this child could not attach to its primary attachment figure.
They do not attach to adults.
They do not trust adults.
Instead, they develop a selfish and hostile worldview
because they feel so unloved.
They believe that the world is the same
as their relationship with their parent is,
that the world is without warmth, acceptance and love.
They close down emotionally.
They believe that the world is unsafe,
and that everyone is out for their own.
They lose hope for being lovable, they feel completely unworthy,
and embark on a mission to feel good about themselves.
Shame, distrust, rage, and neediness accumulate
over the child's life into adulthood,
in an unloving world where they do not deserve love,
they cannot get love,
and they cannot get their needs met freely from others.
They have to manipulate people to get what they need.
This is what creates the foundation of narcissistic personality disorder,
which is not a disorder, it is an adaptation.
It is not a joke,
narcissistic parents breed either narcissistic children,
or powerlessly codependent, selfless children.
Most people who seek fame, seek fame
because they grew up in this kind of environment,
because their lives are nothing but a perpetual search for self-worth.
This is the real reason why most people in Hollywood
can't make relationships work.
It's because their capacity to love
is dependent upon their primary relationship,
which was one which developed narcissism.
Compassion is necessary when dealing with narcissists.
The truth about narcissists
is that they live with some of the most painful beliefs
and therefore some of the most painful lives
that can be found on this earth.
Most people believe that narcissism is an extreme form of self pride,
that these people have high levels of self esteem.
The truth could not be farther from this.
These people seek self gratification in the form of esteem,
they search for self-worth perpetually,
because they have low levels of self esteem.
They don't have pride,
what they have is a terrible sense of self-worth.
But, what should we do
if we chronically attract narcissists into our life?
If we attract narcissists into our life,
it's time to look at our own past traumas
and our own personalities.
Many people who attract narcissistic people into their lives,
just like the narcissist,
had self-centered parents or caregivers growing up.
They felt unloved by their parents,
because they grew up feeling like their parents were constantly
trying to take from them, instead of give to them.
Narcissistic parents
tend to treat their children like extensions of themselves.
As a result, their children are used to achieve something for themselves.
Pageant moms are a good example of this.
Their children do not feel seen, or valued for who they really are.
As a result, this becomes a trauma.
The being of any person desires to heal trauma
and so, when this child grows up they will find themselves
recreating the relationship with their parents,
either with friends or bosses or significant others.
They do this in order to try to solve the original trauma.
If they can get someone like mommy or daddy,
who is just as selfish, to love them,
then in a way, they can heal from their past
because they conquered that trauma.
They can feel like mommy or daddy does love them.
But here's the catch:
If they can't get someone like mommy or daddy to love them,
then it means they are unlovable
and that their parents were right about them.
We attract people into our lives
that are at the same emotional level that we are at.
This is why the narcissists and the people who are self sacrificers
find themselves together so often.
But, this is also good news.
It means that the more that we heal our own personality structure
and our own traumas,
the more of a match we will be to people
who are capable of a reciprocal relationship,
the less we will attract a narcissist into our lives,
and the less we will be narcissistic.
So, you're probably wondering
"How do I know whether I have a narcissistic person in my life?"
If you wanna know, ask yourself these questions:
#1. Is there a reciprocity in the relationship,
or is one person always the giver and the other always the taker?
#2. Are you able to be yourself in the relationship?
Do you feel like you have to play down your talents
to make them feel less threatened?
Or does this friend celebrate you
and allow you to shine in your own right?
#3. Is there a sharing of vulnerability on both sides?
Meaning, that you can both discuss your real feelings with each other?
#4. Do you trust this person with your feelings,
or do you find yourself on guard?
Have they ever used your feelings against you?
#5. Can your friend give you empathy and understanding,
or do they give you sympathy which makes you feel less than them?
#6. Does this friend bring out the best in you?
Do you feel good about yourself in the presence of this person?
Do you get to be your real self, both in good times and in bad times?
#7. When issues come up that need to be discussed,
is this friend accountable for their own behavior?
Are they capable of self awareness and self evaluation?
#8. Are you allowed to have healthy boundaries with this person?
When setting boundaries, does it cause problems between you?
Do you feel like setting boundaries would mean losing them?
Or are your needs and wants understood
and easily worked through between the two of you?
#9. Do you care about each other for who you are as people,
rather than what you do in your accomplishments
or do for them?
#10. Does the friend exploit you for his or her own ends?
Or value what you bring to the relationship?
If you find that you have the tendency
to line yourself up with narcissists,
it will be very crucial for you to define a healthy sense of boundaries.
An easy way to understand boundaries
is that they are always defined by your feelings.
If you honor your feelings, you honor your boundaries.
Those of you who line up with narcissists,
would benefit by looking up my video on YouTube titled:
Oneness vs. Boundaries (How To Develop Healthy Boundaries)
You are not going to be able to cause a narcissist
to start caring about you and to start healing.
This needs to be something they want to do
in and of themselves.
Which is why it's so crucial
for you to focus on your own aspect of healing,
and not make it about changing anything about the narcissist.
But beware when you begin to honor your own boundaries
that you will see much less of the narcissist.
True narcissists are energy vampires.
If you do not let them feed off of your energy,
they will leave to find another person to feed off of
out of necessity,
because they do not yet know how to generate energy within themselves.
You do not want to be near someone
who feeds off of your energy perpetually.
So let them go.
Let their place in your life be filled by people
who have the capacity for love, intimacy and reciprocation.
If you tend to attract a narcissist,
it's a good idea to watch my YouTube video titled:
"Energy Vampires" as well.
I don't want to make it seem like
it's impossible to rehabilitate a narcissist,
because it is.
In fact, unconditional love
is the vibration that will rehabilitate a narcissist.
But chances are,
if the narcissist in your life is bothering you,
it's because you have unhealed aspects of yourself.
That's the unhealed trying to heal the unhealed,
and it never works like that.
So what you need to do is be very honest with yourself
about whether it's self loving
to offer unconditional love to a narcissist,
or whether that is self hating.
Is it instead, self loving for you to allow yourself to set boundaries
and to go in the direction of loving relationships instead?
If you are a person who attracts narcissists
it is crucial that you begin to figure out your own needs and wants
and to honor them.
It is also crucial that you examine your outdated beliefs
about selfishness and about self-sacrifice.
Have realistic expectations of a narcissist.
Think of them like a starving child.
Asking a starving child to share food is an unrealistic expectation.
But this is what we are doing
when we are expecting reciprocation from a narcissist.
If you adjust your expectations of them,
and get your needs met elsewhere,
it will be easier to let them be how they are
and not take their behaviors so personally.
Do not expect to be able to please this person.
Their belief is that there is never enough for them,
which means no matter how much you give them,
they are still stuck in scarcity
and are unlikely to wake up to the abundance of love they have
as a result of you.
The other thing that we need to do
is recognize that all that narcissists is doing
is mirroring vibrations and suppressed feelings within us.
So, take a good look at how the narcissist is making you feel.
Do they make you feel unloved, unworthy?
Do you feel invisible?
Do you feel used?
Get into an attitude of pre-manifestation
and recognize the fact
that these feelings were already present within you
in the first place.
In fact, they had to be present
for you to even attract this person into your reality.
Where did those feelings really begin?
We need to make the healing process relative to narcissism
about ourselves, instead of about the narcissist
if we're going to find healing.
We need to understand that they are only mirroring us,
that our entire reality, in fact, is only mirroring vibrations within us.
We will find improvement in these areas of our lives
the minute that we start to address the issues themselves within us,
instead of continue to remain distracted by the external reflection.
A narcissist is nothing more
than a reflection of those unhealed parts within ourselves.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte @tanyaduarte / tanyaduarte.com