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Narcissism

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Narcissism finds its roots 
in Greek mythology.

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Narcissus was a man 
who fell in love with his own reflection

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in a pool of water.

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In today's terms,

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narcissism means to derive 
gratification out of vanity,

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or the egotistical admiration 
of one's own attributes.

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It is seen as a form 
of self-defeating pride.

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I for one, completely disagree with
this view of narcissism.

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There is absolutely nothing
wrong with Narcissus.

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Appreciating, falling in love with 
one's own attributes

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is a good thing.

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It's a hell of a lot better
than trying to be selfless,

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which is not actually possible.

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But our culture has been 
heavily influenced

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for thousands of years 
by biblical Christianity,

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which recognizes self-love as vanity
and ultimately as pride.

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Now, pride as you may know,
is one of the original seven sins.

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And so, sadly, Narcissus
has become the poster child,

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not only for self-love, but for pride.

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As a result, we confuse 
self-love with selfishness

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when they are drastically 
different things.

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It is crucial when we are trying 
to understand narcissism,

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to separate out in our minds

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the difference between 
self-love and selfishness.

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Most people think narcissism 
is an extreme force of self-love.

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This is not the case.

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Narcissism happens
when someone perceives

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an extreme lack in resources like love.

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Self-love is defined as a deep devotion 
or affection for yourself.

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And this really should be the case.

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Because you opted into 
your one perspective

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that you call by your name,

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you are the only one 
that will be with you until you die.

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You should be 
your number one priority in life

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and you should love yourself 
above everything else.

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Selfishness is defined as concern

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only for one's own welfare,
benefit and interests

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regardless of the impact on others.

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Selfishness is not a natural state.

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It only occurs
when a person is focused on

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and convinced of the lack in their life.

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We so often confuse 
self-love and selfishness

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when there is an enormous 
difference between the two;

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Selfishness is created

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when a person who not know 
how to love themselves

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and meet their own needs,
feels that internal deprivation

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and then spends their time 
trying to fill that hole externally.

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It is very uncomfortable to spend time 
around a selfish individual

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because you will constantly feel like 
that person is taking and taking from you.

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They do not know how to get 
or create what they want

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without taking it from someone else.

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They do not know
how to love themselves.

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So, their life depends on getting you 
to give them those things.

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If you don't,
they are at a loss of what to do.

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They feel powerless and they get angry
because they are scared.

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But when we take a step back,
compassion will show us

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that they come from a space 
of internal starvation.

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Expecting them not to 
jump at the opportunity

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to take what they are starving for,

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is like expecting a starving child 
to not steal food.

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People who are considered 
selfish like the narcissist,

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and people who are considered selfless
like the self sacrificer,

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both come from 
the same mentality of lack.

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That is why they are 
a perfect vibrational match

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and why they continue to
find one another.

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Both of them see energy in the world,
especially love,

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as a finite resource
that can be used up.

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They do not recognize it
for the eternal stream of energy

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that is infinite and always flowing.

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The selfless person feels
as if they must surrender love

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and other resources,

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because of the belief 
that giving it to themselves

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means they are depriving someone else
of that love and those resources.

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As if there is only so much to go around.

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The selfish person also thinks 
there is only so much to go around,

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but they feel no deep connection 
or affinity with other people

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and so they think they must take 
love and other resources from them

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otherwise, they will not have 
enough to survive themselves.

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When you are completely in alignment,

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there is no way for anyone 
to take enough energy from you

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that you would ever feel a deficiency,

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because the stream of energy

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that is flowing through your body, 
is infinite.

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Honestly, a narcissist
is not likely to watch this video,

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and if they do,

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they're definitely not likely to
identify themselves as a narcissist,

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and to find healing.

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The reason is, to find healing,

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a narcissist has to admit to 
the repressed trauma within their being.

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They have to relive the pain

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which created the condition
in the first place.

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And that pain which is 
deeply repressed and forgotten

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is so painful that a narcissist
would rather avoid it,

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than confront it.

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I will say that 
the two most crucial things

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for a narcissists to do to find healing is

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#1. To change their beliefs

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about the hostility
of the world that they live in,

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and about themselves,
and their own self-worth

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so that they can start to develop 
a capacity for intimacy.

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That intimacy will enable them 
to feel a connection with other people

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and that connection will enable them
to feel affinity for people.

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It will then enable them
to care about others.

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#2. They need to develop 
an abundance mentality

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about all aspects of life,
from money, to love...

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Everything in their life needs to 
be seen as an infinite resource,

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not as a limited resource 
that they don't have enough of.

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Even though there is always 
the rare exception,

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narcissists are created 
in a very specific way.

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The narcissist was a child 
who was unable to conform

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to the fantasy that one parent,
or another, or both

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held for the child's 
personality or behavior.

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They cannot figure out 
how to please the adult.

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As a result,

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the child was treated as if 
they were willful and difficult.

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This child was the problem child.

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The parent personalized 
the child's behavior

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and developed resistance to the child.

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The parent then punished the child
in covert and overt ways.

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They called the child 
selfish and ungrateful.

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They resented the child
on a deep level,

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and as a result, 
the child was seen as a threat

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on a subconscious level,
by the adult.

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The environment between the child 
and this primary attachment figure

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was therefore, a hostile one

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on an emotional level
and perhaps even a physical level.

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As a result,

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this child could not attach to
its primary attachment figure.

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They do not attach to adults.

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They do not trust adults.

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Instead, they develop 
a selfish and hostile worldview

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because they feel so unloved.

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They believe that
the world is the same

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as their relationship
with their parent is,

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that the world is without 
warmth, acceptance and love.

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They close down emotionally.

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They believe that the world is unsafe,

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and that everyone is out for their own.

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They lose hope for being lovable,
they feel completely unworthy,

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and embark on a mission
to feel good about themselves.

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Shame, distrust, rage,
and neediness accumulate

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over the child's life 
into adulthood,

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in an unloving world 
where they do not deserve love,

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they cannot get love,

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and they cannot get their needs met 
freely from others.

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They have to manipulate people 
to get what they need.

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This is what creates the foundation 
of narcissistic personality disorder,

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which is not a disorder,
it is an adaptation.

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It is not a joke,

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narcissistic parents breed 
either narcissistic children,

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or powerlessly codependent,
selfless children.

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Most people who seek fame,
seek fame

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because they grew up 
in this kind of environment,

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because their lives are nothing but 
a perpetual search for self-worth.

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This is the real reason 
why most people in Hollywood

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can't make relationships work.

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It's because their capacity to love

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is dependent upon 
their primary relationship,

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which was one
which developed narcissism.

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Compassion is necessary 
when dealing with narcissists.

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The truth about narcissists

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is that they live with 
some of the most painful beliefs

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and therefore some of 
the most painful lives

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that can be found on this earth.

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Most people believe that narcissism
is an extreme form of self pride,

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that these people have 
high levels of self esteem.

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The truth could not be farther from this.

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These people seek self gratification
in the form of esteem,

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they search for self-worth perpetually,

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because they have 
low levels of self esteem.

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They don't have pride,

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what they have is 
a terrible sense of self-worth.

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But, what should we do

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if we chronically attract narcissists
into our life?

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If we attract narcissists into our life,

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it's time to look at
our own past traumas

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and our own personalities.

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Many people who attract 
narcissistic people into their lives,

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just like the narcissist,

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had self-centered parents 
or caregivers growing up.

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They felt unloved by their parents,

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because they grew up feeling like 
their parents were constantly

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trying to take from them, 
instead of give to them.

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Narcissistic parents

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tend to treat their children 
like extensions of themselves.

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As a result, their children are used 
to achieve something for themselves.

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Pageant moms 
are a good example of this.

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Their children do not feel seen,
or valued for who they really are.

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As a result, this becomes a trauma.

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The being of any person 
desires to heal trauma

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and so, when this child grows up
they will find themselves

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recreating the relationship 
with their parents,

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either with friends or bosses 
or significant others.

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They do this in order to
try to solve the original trauma.

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If they can get someone 
like mommy or daddy,

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who is just as selfish, to love them,

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then in a way, 
they can heal from their past

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because they conquered that trauma.

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They can feel like mommy or daddy 
does love them.

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But here's the catch:

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If they can't get someone 
like mommy or daddy to love them,

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then it means they are unlovable

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and that their parents 
were right about them.

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We attract people into our lives

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that are at the same emotional level
that we are at.

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This is why the narcissists
and the people who are self sacrificers

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find themselves together so often.

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But, this is also good news.

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It means that the more that
we heal our own personality structure

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and our own traumas,

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the more of a match
we will be to people

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who are capable of
a reciprocal relationship,

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the less we will attract 
a narcissist into our lives,

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and the less we will be narcissistic.

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So, you're probably wondering

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"How do I know whether
I have a narcissistic person in my life?"

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If you wanna know, 
ask yourself these questions:

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#1. Is there a reciprocity
in the relationship,

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or is one person always the giver
and the other always the taker?

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#2. Are you able to be yourself 
in the relationship?

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Do you feel like you have to 
play down your talents

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to make them feel less threatened?

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Or does this friend celebrate you

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and allow you to shine
in your own right?

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#3. Is there a sharing of vulnerability 
on both sides?

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Meaning, that you can both discuss 
your real feelings with each other?

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#4. Do you trust this person 
with your feelings,

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or do you find yourself on guard?

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Have they ever used 
your feelings against you?

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#5. Can your friend give you 
empathy and understanding,

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or do they give you sympathy
which makes you feel less than them?

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#6. Does this friend 
bring out the best in you?

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Do you feel good about yourself 
in the presence of this person?

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Do you get to be your real self,
both in good times and in bad times?

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#7. When issues come up 
that need to be discussed,

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is this friend accountable 
for their own behavior?

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Are they capable of self awareness 
and self evaluation?

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#8. Are you allowed to have 
healthy boundaries with this person?

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00:12:03,698 --> 00:12:06,716
When setting boundaries,
does it cause problems between you?

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Do you feel like setting boundaries 
would mean losing them?

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Or are your needs and wants
understood

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and easily worked through 
between the two of you?

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#9. Do you care about each other 
for who you are as people,

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rather than what you do 
in your accomplishments

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or do for them?

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#10. Does the friend exploit you 
for his or her own ends?

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Or value what you bring
to the relationship?

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If you find that you have the tendency

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to line yourself up with narcissists,

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it will be very crucial for you
to define a healthy sense of boundaries.

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An easy way to understand boundaries

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is that they are always defined 
by your feelings.

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If you honor your feelings,
you honor your boundaries.

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Those of you
who line up with narcissists,

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would benefit by looking up 
my video on YouTube titled:

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Oneness vs. Boundaries 
(How To Develop Healthy Boundaries)

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You are not going to be able to
cause a narcissist

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to start caring about you
and to start healing.

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This needs to be something 
they want to do

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in and of themselves.

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Which is why it's so crucial

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for you to focus on
your own aspect of healing,

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and not make it about 
changing anything about the narcissist.

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But beware when you begin to
honor your own boundaries

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that you will see much less 
of the narcissist.

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True narcissists are energy vampires.

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If you do not let them 
feed off of your energy,

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they will leave to find 
another person to feed off of

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out of necessity,

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because they do not yet know how to
generate energy within themselves.

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You do not want to be near someone

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who feeds off of your energy
perpetually.

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So let them go.

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Let their place in your life
be filled by people

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who have the capacity for love,
intimacy and reciprocation.

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If you tend to attract a narcissist,

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it's a good idea to watch
my YouTube video titled:

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"Energy Vampires" as well.

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I don't want to make it seem like

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it's impossible 
to rehabilitate a narcissist,

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because it is.

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In fact, unconditional love

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is the vibration that will 
rehabilitate a narcissist.

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But chances are,

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if the narcissist in your life 
is bothering you,

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it's because you have 
unhealed aspects of yourself.

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That's the unhealed 
trying to heal the unhealed,

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and it never works like that.

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00:14:21,757 --> 00:14:24,154
So what you need to do 
is be very honest with yourself

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about whether it's self loving

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to offer unconditional love 
to a narcissist,

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00:14:28,578 --> 00:14:31,523
or whether that is self hating.

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Is it instead, self loving for you to
allow yourself to set boundaries

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00:14:35,836 --> 00:14:38,874
and to go in the direction 
of loving relationships instead?

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If you are a person 
who attracts narcissists

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00:14:42,703 --> 00:14:46,317
it is crucial that you begin to figure out
your own needs and wants

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00:14:46,317 --> 00:14:48,064
and to honor them.

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00:14:48,064 --> 00:14:51,728
It is also crucial that you examine
your outdated beliefs

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00:14:51,728 --> 00:14:55,646
about selfishness
and about self-sacrifice.

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00:14:56,304 --> 00:14:59,424
Have realistic expectations
of a narcissist.

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Think of them like a starving child.

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Asking a starving child to share food
is an unrealistic expectation.

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00:15:05,474 --> 00:15:06,650
But this is what we are doing

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00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:09,764
when we are expecting reciprocation
from a narcissist.

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If you adjust
your expectations of them,

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and get your needs met elsewhere,

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00:15:13,641 --> 00:15:15,510
it will be easier 
to let them be how they are

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00:15:15,510 --> 00:15:18,508
and not take their behaviors 
so personally.

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00:15:18,508 --> 00:15:21,580
Do not expect to be able to
please this person.

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00:15:21,580 --> 00:15:23,935
Their belief is that
there is never enough for them,

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00:15:23,935 --> 00:15:26,173
which means no matter 
how much you give them,

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00:15:26,173 --> 00:15:27,866
they are still stuck in scarcity

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00:15:27,866 --> 00:15:30,849
and are unlikely to wake up to
the abundance of love they have

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00:15:30,849 --> 00:15:32,222
as a result of you.

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00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:34,852
The other thing that we need to do

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00:15:34,852 --> 00:15:37,683
is recognize that 
all that narcissists is doing

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00:15:37,683 --> 00:15:42,715
is mirroring vibrations 
and suppressed feelings within us.

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00:15:42,715 --> 00:15:46,196
So, take a good look at
how the narcissist is making you feel.

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00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:49,016
Do they make you feel
unloved, unworthy?

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00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,496
Do you feel invisible?

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00:15:50,496 --> 00:15:51,661
Do you feel used?

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00:15:52,709 --> 00:15:55,764
Get into an attitude of pre-manifestation

324
00:15:55,764 --> 00:15:57,241
and recognize the fact

325
00:15:57,241 --> 00:16:00,047
that these feelings were 
already present within you

326
00:16:00,047 --> 00:16:01,573
in the first place.

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00:16:01,573 --> 00:16:03,176
In fact, they had to be present

328
00:16:03,176 --> 00:16:06,126
for you to even attract 
this person into your reality.

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00:16:06,893 --> 00:16:09,621
Where did those feelings really begin?

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00:16:09,621 --> 00:16:13,328
We need to make the healing process 
relative to narcissism

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00:16:13,328 --> 00:16:16,662
about ourselves, 
instead of about the narcissist

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00:16:16,662 --> 00:16:19,391
if we're going to find healing.

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00:16:19,391 --> 00:16:23,499
We need to understand that
they are only mirroring us,

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00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:28,360
that our entire reality, in fact,
is only mirroring vibrations within us.

335
00:16:29,027 --> 00:16:32,868
We will find improvement
in these areas of our lives

336
00:16:32,868 --> 00:16:36,724
the minute that we start to
address the issues themselves within us,

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00:16:36,724 --> 00:16:41,243
instead of continue to remain distracted
by the external reflection.

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00:16:41,243 --> 00:16:42,974
A narcissist is nothing more

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00:16:42,974 --> 00:16:47,614
than a reflection of those 
unhealed parts within ourselves.

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00:16:47,614 --> 00:16:48,283
Have a good week.

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Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte
@tanyaduarte / tanyaduarte.com