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10 ways to have a better conversation

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    All right, I want to see a show of hands:
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    how many of you have
    unfriended someone on Facebook
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    because they said something offensive
    about politics or religion,
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    childcare, food?
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    (Laughter)
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    And how many of you
    know at least one person that you avoid
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    because you just don't want
    to talk to them?
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    (Laughter)
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    You know, it used to be that in order
    to have a polite conversation,
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    we just had to follow the advice
    of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":
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    Stick to the weather and your health.
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    But these days, with climate change
    and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --
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    (Laughter)
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    are not safe either.
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    So this world that we live in,
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    this world in which every conversation
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    has the potential
    to devolve into an argument,
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    where our politicians
    can't speak to one another
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    and where even the most trivial of issues
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    have someone fighting both passionately
    for it and against it, it's not normal.
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    Pew Research did a study
    of 10,000 American adults,
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    and they found that at this moment,
    we are more polarized,
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    we are more divided,
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    than we ever have been in history.
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    We're less likely to compromise,
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    which means we're
    not listening to each other.
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    And we make decisions about where to live,
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    who to marry and even
    who our friends are going to be,
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    based on what we already believe.
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    Again, that means
    we're not listening to each other.
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    A conversation requires a balance
    between talking and listening,
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    and somewhere along the way,
    we lost that balance.
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    Now, part of that is due to technology.
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    The smartphones that you all
    either have in your hands
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    or close enough that you could
    grab them really quickly.
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    According to Pew Research,
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    about a third of American teenagers
    send more than a hundred texts a day.
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    And many of them, almost most of them,
    are more likely to text their friends
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    than they are to talk
    to them face to face.
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    There's this great piece in The Atlantic.
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    It was written by a high school teacher
    named Paul Barnwell.
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    And he gave his kids
    a communication project.
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    He wanted to teach them how to speak
    on a specific subject without using notes.
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    And he said this: "I came to realize..."
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    (Laughter)
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    "I came to realize
    that conversational competence
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    might be the single
    most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
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    Kids spend hours each day engaging
    with ideas and each other through screens,
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    but rarely do they have an opportunity
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    to hone their interpersonal
    communications skills.
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    It might sound like a funny question,
    but we have to ask ourselves:
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    Is there any 21st-century skill
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    more important than being able to sustain
    coherent, confident conversation?"
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    Now, I make my living talking to people:
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    Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,
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    billionaires, kindergarten teachers,
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    heads of state, plumbers.
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    I talk to people that I like.
    I talk to people that I don't like.
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    I talk to some people that I disagree with
    deeply on a personal level.
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    But I still have
    a great conversation with them.
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    So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes
    or so teaching you how to talk
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    and how to listen.
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    Many of you have already heard
    a lot of advice on this,
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    things like look the person in the eye,
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    think of interesting topics
    to discuss in advance,
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    look, nod and smile to show
    that you're paying attention,
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    repeat back what you just heard
    or summarize it.
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    So I want you to forget all of that.
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    It is crap.
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    (Laughter)
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    There is no reason to learn
    how to show you're paying attention
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    if you are in fact paying attention.
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    (Laughter)
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    (Applause)
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    Now, I actually use the exact
    same skills as a professional interviewer
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    that I do in regular life.
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    So, I'm going to teach you
    how to interview people,
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    and that's actually going to help you
    learn how to be better conversationalists.
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    Learn to have a conversation
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    without wasting your time,
    without getting bored,
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    and, please God,
    without offending anybody.
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    We've all had really great conversations.
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    We've had them before.
    We know what it's like.
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    The kind of conversation where you
    walk away feeling engaged and inspired,
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    or where you feel
    like you've made a real connection
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    or you've been perfectly understood.
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    There is no reason
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    why most of your interactions
    can't be like that.
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    So I have 10 basic rules.
    I'm going to walk you through all of them,
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    but honestly, if you just choose
    one of them and master it,
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    you'll already enjoy better conversations.
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    Number one: Don't multitask.
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    And I don't mean
    just set down your cell phone
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    or your tablet or your car keys
    or whatever is in your hand.
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    I mean, be present.
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    Be in that moment.
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    Don't think about your argument
    you had with your boss.
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    Don't think about what
    you're going to have for dinner.
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    If you want to get out
    of the conversation,
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    get out of the conversation,
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    but don't be half in it
    and half out of it.
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    Number two: Don't pontificate.
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    If you want to state your opinion
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    without any opportunity for response
    or argument or pushback or growth,
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    write a blog.
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    (Laughter)
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    Now, there's a really good reason
    why I don't allow pundits on my show:
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    Because they're really boring.
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    If they're conservative, they're going to
    hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
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    If they're liberal, they're going to hate
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    big banks and oil corporations
    and Dick Cheney.
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    Totally predictable.
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    And you don't want to be like that.
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    You need to enter every conversation
    assuming that you have something to learn.
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    The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said
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    that true listening requires
    a setting aside of oneself.
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    And sometimes that means
    setting aside your personal opinion.
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    He said that sensing this acceptance,
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    the speaker will become
    less and less vulnerable
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    and more and more likely
    to open up the inner recesses
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    of his or her mind to the listener.
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    Again, assume that you have
    something to learn.
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    Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet
    knows something that you don't."
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    I put it this way:
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    Everybody is an expert in something.
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    Number three: Use open-ended questions.
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    In this case, take a cue from journalists.
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    Start your questions with who,
    what, when, where, why or how.
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    If you put in a complicated question,
    you're going to get a simple answer out.
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    If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"
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    you're going to respond to the most
    powerful word in that sentence,
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    which is "terrified," and the answer is
    "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."
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    "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."
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    Let them describe it.
    They're the ones that know.
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    Try asking them things like,
    "What was that like?"
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    "How did that feel?"
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    Because then they might have to stop
    for a moment and think about it,
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    and you're going to get
    a much more interesting response.
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    Number four: Go with the flow.
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    That means thoughts
    will come into your mind
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    and you need to let them
    go out of your mind.
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    We've heard interviews often
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    in which a guest is talking
    for several minutes
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    and then the host comes back in
    and asks a question
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    which seems like it comes out of nowhere,
    or it's already been answered.
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    That means the host probably
    stopped listening two minutes ago
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    because he thought
    of this really clever question,
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    and he was just bound
    and determined to say that.
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    And we do the exact same thing.
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    We're sitting there having
    a conversation with someone,
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    and then we remember that time
    that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
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    (Laughter)
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    And we stop listening.
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    Stories and ideas
    are going to come to you.
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    You need to let them come and let them go.
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    Number five: If you don't know,
    say that you don't know.
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    Now, people on the radio,
    especially on NPR,
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    are much more aware
    that they're going on the record,
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    and so they're more careful
    about what they claim to be an expert in
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    and what they claim to know for sure.
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    Do that. Err on the side of caution.
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    Talk should not be cheap.
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    Number six: Don't equate
    your experience with theirs.
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    If they're talking
    about having lost a family member,
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    don't start talking about the time
    you lost a family member.
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    If they're talking about the trouble
    they're having at work,
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    don't tell them about
    how much you hate your job.
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    It's not the same. It is never the same.
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    All experiences are individual.
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    And, more importantly,
    it is not about you.
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    You don't need to take that moment
    to prove how amazing you are
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    or how much you've suffered.
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    Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once
    what his IQ was, and he said,
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    "I have no idea. People who brag
    about their IQs are losers."
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    (Laughter)
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    Conversations are not
    a promotional opportunity.
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    Number seven:
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    Try not to repeat yourself.
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    It's condescending,
    and it's really boring,
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    and we tend to do it a lot.
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    Especially in work conversations
    or in conversations with our kids,
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    we have a point to make,
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    so we just keep rephrasing it
    over and over.
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    Don't do that.
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    Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
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    Frankly, people don't care
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    about the years, the names,
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    the dates, all those details
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    that you're struggling
    to come up with in your mind.
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    They don't care.
    What they care about is you.
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    They care about what you're like,
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    what you have in common.
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    So forget the details. Leave them out.
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    Number nine:
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    This is not the last one,
    but it is the most important one.
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    Listen.
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    I cannot tell you how many
    really important people have said
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    that listening is perhaps the most,
    the number one most important skill
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    that you could develop.
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    Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,
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    "If your mouth is open,
    you're not learning."
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    And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man
    ever listened his way out of a job."
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    (Laughter)
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    Why do we not listen to each other?
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    Number one, we'd rather talk.
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    When I'm talking, I'm in control.
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    I don't have to hear anything
    I'm not interested in.
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    I'm the center of attention.
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    I can bolster my own identity.
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    But there's another reason:
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    We get distracted.
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    The average person talks
    at about 225 word per minute,
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    but we can listen at up to
    500 words per minute.
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    So our minds are filling in
    those other 275 words.
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    And look, I know,
    it takes effort and energy
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    to actually pay attention to someone,
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    but if you can't do that,
    you're not in a conversation.
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    You're just two people shouting out
    barely related sentences
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    in the same place.
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    (Laughter)
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    You have to listen to one another.
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    Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.
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    He said, "Most of us don't listen
    with the intent to understand.
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    We listen with the intent to reply."
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    One more rule, number 10,
    and it's this one: Be brief.
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    [A good conversation is like a miniskirt;
    short enough to retain interest,
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    but long enough to cover
    the subject. -- My Sister]
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    (Laughter)
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    (Applause)
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    All of this boils down to the same
    basic concept, and it is this one:
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    Be interested in other people.
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    You know, I grew up
    with a very famous grandfather,
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    and there was kind of a ritual in my home.
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    People would come over
    to talk to my grandparents,
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    and after they would leave,
    my mother would come over to us,
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    and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?
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    She was the runner-up to Miss America.
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    He was the mayor of Sacramento.
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    She won a Pulitzer Prize.
    He's a Russian ballet dancer."
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    And I kind of grew up assuming
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    everyone has some hidden,
    amazing thing about them.
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    And honestly, I think
    it's what makes me a better host.
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    I keep my mouth shut
    as often as I possibly can,
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    I keep my mind open,
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    and I'm always prepared to be amazed,
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    and I'm never disappointed.
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    You do the same thing.
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    Go out, talk to people,
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    listen to people,
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    and most importantly,
    be prepared to be amazed.
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    Thanks.
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    (Applause)
Title:
10 ways to have a better conversation
Speaker:
Celeste Headlee
Description:

more » « less
Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDTalks
Duration:
11:44

English subtitles

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