0:00:00.840,0:00:02.793
All right, I want to see a show of hands:

0:00:02.817,0:00:05.216
how many of you have[br]unfriended someone on Facebook

0:00:05.240,0:00:09.096
because they said something offensive[br]about politics or religion,

0:00:09.120,0:00:11.256
childcare, food?

0:00:11.280,0:00:13.216
(Laughter)

0:00:13.240,0:00:16.056
And how many of you[br]know at least one person that you avoid

0:00:16.079,0:00:18.360
because you just don't want[br]to talk to them?

0:00:18.880,0:00:20.936
(Laughter)

0:00:20.960,0:00:24.176
You know, it used to be that in order[br]to have a polite conversation,

0:00:24.200,0:00:27.416
we just had to follow the advice[br]of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":

0:00:27.440,0:00:29.256
Stick to the weather and your health.

0:00:29.280,0:00:32.656
But these days, with climate change[br]and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --

0:00:32.680,0:00:33.976
(Laughter)

0:00:34.000,0:00:35.296
are not safe either.

0:00:35.320,0:00:37.760
So this world that we live in,

0:00:38.520,0:00:41.096
this world in which every conversation

0:00:41.120,0:00:43.296
has the potential[br]to devolve into an argument,

0:00:43.320,0:00:45.606
where our politicians[br]can't speak to one another

0:00:45.630,0:00:47.936
and where even the most trivial of issues

0:00:47.960,0:00:52.936
have someone fighting both passionately[br]for it and against it, it's not normal.

0:00:52.960,0:00:56.056
Pew Research did a study[br]of 10,000 American adults,

0:00:56.080,0:00:58.816
and they found that at this moment,[br]we are more polarized,

0:00:58.840,0:01:00.136
we are more divided,

0:01:00.160,0:01:02.936
than we ever have been in history.

0:01:02.960,0:01:04.536
We're less likely to compromise,

0:01:04.560,0:01:06.736
which means we're[br]not listening to each other.

0:01:06.760,0:01:09.296
And we make decisions about where to live,

0:01:09.320,0:01:11.936
who to marry and even[br]who our friends are going to be,

0:01:11.960,0:01:14.056
based on what we already believe.

0:01:14.080,0:01:17.056
Again, that means[br]we're not listening to each other.

0:01:17.080,0:01:20.416
A conversation requires a balance[br]between talking and listening,

0:01:20.440,0:01:23.096
and somewhere along the way,[br]we lost that balance.

0:01:23.120,0:01:25.016
Now, part of that is due to technology.

0:01:25.040,0:01:27.616
The smartphones that you all[br]either have in your hands

0:01:27.640,0:01:30.296
or close enough that you could[br]grab them really quickly.

0:01:30.320,0:01:31.616
According to Pew Research,

0:01:31.640,0:01:36.536
about a third of American teenagers[br]send more than a hundred texts a day.

0:01:36.560,0:01:41.136
And many of them, almost most of them,[br]are more likely to text their friends

0:01:41.160,0:01:43.240
than they are to talk[br]to them face to face.

0:01:44.160,0:01:46.136
There's this great piece in The Atlantic.

0:01:46.160,0:01:49.016
It was written by a high school teacher[br]named Paul Barnwell.

0:01:49.040,0:01:51.176
And he gave his kids[br]a communication project.

0:01:51.200,0:01:54.936
He wanted to teach them how to speak[br]on a specific subject without using notes.

0:01:54.960,0:01:56.865
And he said this: "I came to realize..."

0:01:56.889,0:02:00.176
(Laughter)

0:02:00.200,0:02:03.376
"I came to realize[br]that conversational competence

0:02:03.400,0:02:07.496
might be the single[br]most overlooked skill we fail to teach.

0:02:07.520,0:02:11.816
Kids spend hours each day engaging[br]with ideas and each other through screens,

0:02:11.840,0:02:13.696
but rarely do they have an opportunity

0:02:13.720,0:02:16.296
to hone their interpersonal[br]communications skills.

0:02:16.320,0:02:19.496
It might sound like a funny question,[br]but we have to ask ourselves:

0:02:19.520,0:02:21.456
Is there any 21st-century skill

0:02:21.480,0:02:27.056
more important than being able to sustain[br]coherent, confident conversation?"

0:02:27.080,0:02:29.296
Now, I make my living talking to people:

0:02:29.320,0:02:31.576
Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,

0:02:31.600,0:02:34.016
billionaires, kindergarten teachers,

0:02:34.040,0:02:36.736
heads of state, plumbers.

0:02:36.760,0:02:39.808
I talk to people that I like.[br]I talk to people that I don't like.

0:02:39.832,0:02:43.616
I talk to some people that I disagree with[br]deeply on a personal level.

0:02:43.640,0:02:46.416
But I still have[br]a great conversation with them.

0:02:46.440,0:02:50.336
So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes[br]or so teaching you how to talk

0:02:50.360,0:02:51.720
and how to listen.

0:02:52.800,0:02:55.416
Many of you have already heard[br]a lot of advice on this,

0:02:55.440,0:02:57.416
things like look the person in the eye,

0:02:57.440,0:03:01.256
think of interesting topics[br]to discuss in advance,

0:03:01.280,0:03:06.056
look, nod and smile to show[br]that you're paying attention,

0:03:06.080,0:03:08.976
repeat back what you just heard[br]or summarize it.

0:03:09.000,0:03:10.736
So I want you to forget all of that.

0:03:10.760,0:03:11.976
It is crap.

0:03:12.000,0:03:15.016
(Laughter)

0:03:15.040,0:03:19.296
There is no reason to learn[br]how to show you're paying attention

0:03:19.320,0:03:22.976
if you are in fact paying attention.

0:03:23.000,0:03:24.856
(Laughter)

0:03:24.880,0:03:27.776
(Applause)

0:03:27.800,0:03:31.456
Now, I actually use the exact[br]same skills as a professional interviewer

0:03:31.480,0:03:34.416
that I do in regular life.

0:03:34.440,0:03:37.896
So, I'm going to teach you[br]how to interview people,

0:03:37.920,0:03:41.736
and that's actually going to help you[br]learn how to be better conversationalists.

0:03:41.760,0:03:43.136
Learn to have a conversation

0:03:43.160,0:03:45.496
without wasting your time,[br]without getting bored,

0:03:45.520,0:03:48.816
and, please God,[br]without offending anybody.

0:03:48.840,0:03:51.056
We've all had really great conversations.

0:03:51.080,0:03:53.256
We've had them before.[br]We know what it's like.

0:03:53.280,0:03:56.976
The kind of conversation where you[br]walk away feeling engaged and inspired,

0:03:57.000,0:03:59.456
or where you feel[br]like you've made a real connection

0:03:59.480,0:04:01.576
or you've been perfectly understood.

0:04:01.600,0:04:02.816
There is no reason

0:04:02.840,0:04:06.096
why most of your interactions[br]can't be like that.

0:04:06.120,0:04:09.336
So I have 10 basic rules.[br]I'm going to walk you through all of them,

0:04:09.360,0:04:13.096
but honestly, if you just choose[br]one of them and master it,

0:04:13.120,0:04:15.856
you'll already enjoy better conversations.

0:04:15.880,0:04:18.096
Number one: Don't multitask.

0:04:18.120,0:04:20.296
And I don't mean[br]just set down your cell phone

0:04:20.320,0:04:23.176
or your tablet or your car keys[br]or whatever is in your hand.

0:04:23.200,0:04:25.096
I mean, be present.

0:04:25.120,0:04:27.376
Be in that moment.

0:04:27.400,0:04:30.016
Don't think about your argument[br]you had with your boss.

0:04:30.040,0:04:32.656
Don't think about what[br]you're going to have for dinner.

0:04:32.680,0:04:34.736
If you want to get out[br]of the conversation,

0:04:34.760,0:04:36.136
get out of the conversation,

0:04:36.160,0:04:38.296
but don't be half in it[br]and half out of it.

0:04:38.320,0:04:40.896
Number two: Don't pontificate.

0:04:40.920,0:04:43.096
If you want to state your opinion

0:04:43.120,0:04:49.056
without any opportunity for response[br]or argument or pushback or growth,

0:04:49.080,0:04:50.536
write a blog.

0:04:50.560,0:04:53.616
(Laughter)

0:04:53.640,0:04:57.016
Now, there's a really good reason[br]why I don't allow pundits on my show:

0:04:57.040,0:04:58.816
Because they're really boring.

0:04:58.840,0:05:02.698
If they're conservative, they're going to[br]hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

0:05:02.722,0:05:04.696
If they're liberal, they're going to hate

0:05:04.720,0:05:06.936
big banks and oil corporations[br]and Dick Cheney.

0:05:06.960,0:05:08.216
Totally predictable.

0:05:08.240,0:05:09.936
And you don't want to be like that.

0:05:09.960,0:05:15.496
You need to enter every conversation[br]assuming that you have something to learn.

0:05:15.520,0:05:17.656
The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said

0:05:17.680,0:05:22.096
that true listening requires[br]a setting aside of oneself.

0:05:22.120,0:05:25.440
And sometimes that means[br]setting aside your personal opinion.

0:05:26.200,0:05:29.496
He said that sensing this acceptance,

0:05:29.520,0:05:31.776
the speaker will become[br]less and less vulnerable

0:05:31.800,0:05:34.656
and more and more likely[br]to open up the inner recesses

0:05:34.680,0:05:37.336
of his or her mind to the listener.

0:05:37.360,0:05:40.120
Again, assume that you have[br]something to learn.

0:05:40.880,0:05:44.560
Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet[br]knows something that you don't."

0:05:45.240,0:05:46.576
I put it this way:

0:05:46.600,0:05:49.760
Everybody is an expert in something.

0:05:51.160,0:05:53.976
Number three: Use open-ended questions.

0:05:54.000,0:05:56.056
In this case, take a cue from journalists.

0:05:56.080,0:05:59.176
Start your questions with who,[br]what, when, where, why or how.

0:05:59.200,0:06:02.896
If you put in a complicated question,[br]you're going to get a simple answer out.

0:06:02.920,0:06:05.256
If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"

0:06:05.280,0:06:08.456
you're going to respond to the most[br]powerful word in that sentence,

0:06:08.480,0:06:11.816
which is "terrified," and the answer is[br]"Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."

0:06:11.840,0:06:13.840
"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."

0:06:13.864,0:06:16.936
Let them describe it.[br]They're the ones that know.

0:06:16.960,0:06:19.936
Try asking them things like,[br]"What was that like?"

0:06:19.960,0:06:21.416
"How did that feel?"

0:06:21.440,0:06:25.736
Because then they might have to stop[br]for a moment and think about it,

0:06:25.760,0:06:28.736
and you're going to get[br]a much more interesting response.

0:06:28.760,0:06:31.080
Number four: Go with the flow.

0:06:31.720,0:06:34.536
That means thoughts[br]will come into your mind

0:06:34.560,0:06:37.616
and you need to let them[br]go out of your mind.

0:06:37.640,0:06:39.616
We've heard interviews often

0:06:39.640,0:06:42.096
in which a guest is talking[br]for several minutes

0:06:42.120,0:06:44.536
and then the host comes back in[br]and asks a question

0:06:44.560,0:06:47.976
which seems like it comes out of nowhere,[br]or it's already been answered.

0:06:48.000,0:06:50.936
That means the host probably[br]stopped listening two minutes ago

0:06:50.960,0:06:54.376
because he thought[br]of this really clever question,

0:06:54.400,0:06:57.416
and he was just bound[br]and determined to say that.

0:06:57.440,0:06:59.416
And we do the exact same thing.

0:06:59.440,0:07:02.056
We're sitting there having[br]a conversation with someone,

0:07:02.080,0:07:05.536
and then we remember that time[br]that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

0:07:05.560,0:07:06.896
(Laughter)

0:07:06.920,0:07:08.536
And we stop listening.

0:07:08.560,0:07:10.616
Stories and ideas[br]are going to come to you.

0:07:10.640,0:07:13.520
You need to let them come and let them go.

0:07:14.080,0:07:17.800
Number five: If you don't know,[br]say that you don't know.

0:07:18.800,0:07:21.096
Now, people on the radio,[br]especially on NPR,

0:07:21.120,0:07:24.056
are much more aware[br]that they're going on the record,

0:07:24.080,0:07:27.656
and so they're more careful[br]about what they claim to be an expert in

0:07:27.680,0:07:29.816
and what they claim to know for sure.

0:07:29.840,0:07:32.216
Do that. Err on the side of caution.

0:07:32.240,0:07:34.000
Talk should not be cheap.

0:07:34.640,0:07:38.320
Number six: Don't equate[br]your experience with theirs.

0:07:39.280,0:07:42.056
If they're talking[br]about having lost a family member,

0:07:42.080,0:07:44.936
don't start talking about the time[br]you lost a family member.

0:07:44.960,0:07:47.816
If they're talking about the trouble[br]they're having at work,

0:07:47.840,0:07:50.176
don't tell them about[br]how much you hate your job.

0:07:50.200,0:07:52.136
It's not the same. It is never the same.

0:07:52.160,0:07:53.936
All experiences are individual.

0:07:53.960,0:07:56.640
And, more importantly,[br]it is not about you.

0:07:57.120,0:08:01.016
You don't need to take that moment[br]to prove how amazing you are

0:08:01.040,0:08:02.440
or how much you've suffered.

0:08:03.120,0:08:06.176
Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once[br]what his IQ was, and he said,

0:08:06.200,0:08:09.080
"I have no idea. People who brag[br]about their IQs are losers."

0:08:09.120,0:08:11.056
(Laughter)

0:08:11.080,0:08:14.440
Conversations are not[br]a promotional opportunity.

0:08:16.560,0:08:17.800
Number seven:

0:08:19.440,0:08:20.816
Try not to repeat yourself.

0:08:20.840,0:08:23.216
It's condescending,[br]and it's really boring,

0:08:23.240,0:08:24.896
and we tend to do it a lot.

0:08:24.920,0:08:28.856
Especially in work conversations[br]or in conversations with our kids,

0:08:28.880,0:08:30.136
we have a point to make,

0:08:30.160,0:08:32.559
so we just keep rephrasing it[br]over and over.

0:08:33.640,0:08:34.856
Don't do that.

0:08:34.880,0:08:37.176
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.

0:08:37.200,0:08:40.015
Frankly, people don't care

0:08:40.039,0:08:42.655
about the years, the names,

0:08:42.679,0:08:44.616
the dates, all those details

0:08:44.640,0:08:47.096
that you're struggling[br]to come up with in your mind.

0:08:47.120,0:08:49.320
They don't care.[br]What they care about is you.

0:08:49.880,0:08:51.480
They care about what you're like,

0:08:52.080,0:08:53.776
what you have in common.

0:08:53.800,0:08:56.440
So forget the details. Leave them out.

0:08:56.880,0:08:58.096
Number nine:

0:08:58.120,0:09:01.376
This is not the last one,[br]but it is the most important one.

0:09:01.400,0:09:02.600
Listen.

0:09:02.960,0:09:06.376
I cannot tell you how many[br]really important people have said

0:09:06.400,0:09:10.296
that listening is perhaps the most,[br]the number one most important skill

0:09:10.320,0:09:11.536
that you could develop.

0:09:11.560,0:09:13.456
Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,

0:09:13.480,0:09:16.016
"If your mouth is open,[br]you're not learning."

0:09:16.040,0:09:20.320
And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man[br]ever listened his way out of a job."

0:09:20.680,0:09:22.136
(Laughter)

0:09:22.160,0:09:24.360
Why do we not listen to each other?

0:09:24.920,0:09:26.880
Number one, we'd rather talk.

0:09:27.480,0:09:29.296
When I'm talking, I'm in control.

0:09:29.320,0:09:31.776
I don't have to hear anything[br]I'm not interested in.

0:09:31.800,0:09:33.176
I'm the center of attention.

0:09:33.200,0:09:35.096
I can bolster my own identity.

0:09:35.120,0:09:36.496
But there's another reason:

0:09:36.520,0:09:37.976
We get distracted.

0:09:38.000,0:09:41.536
The average person talks[br]at about 225 word per minute,

0:09:41.560,0:09:45.856
but we can listen at up to[br]500 words per minute.

0:09:45.880,0:09:49.856
So our minds are filling in[br]those other 275 words.

0:09:49.880,0:09:53.056
And look, I know,[br]it takes effort and energy

0:09:53.080,0:09:55.376
to actually pay attention to someone,

0:09:55.400,0:09:58.376
but if you can't do that,[br]you're not in a conversation.

0:09:58.400,0:10:01.256
You're just two people shouting out[br]barely related sentences

0:10:01.280,0:10:02.536
in the same place.

0:10:02.560,0:10:04.456
(Laughter)

0:10:04.480,0:10:06.976
You have to listen to one another.

0:10:07.000,0:10:08.896
Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.

0:10:08.920,0:10:12.856
He said, "Most of us don't listen[br]with the intent to understand.

0:10:12.880,0:10:15.560
We listen with the intent to reply."

0:10:16.960,0:10:20.816
One more rule, number 10,[br]and it's this one: Be brief.

0:10:20.840,0:10:24.336
[A good conversation is like a miniskirt;[br]short enough to retain interest,

0:10:24.360,0:10:26.776
but long enough to cover[br]the subject. -- My Sister]

0:10:26.800,0:10:28.016
(Laughter)

0:10:28.040,0:10:30.456
(Applause)

0:10:30.480,0:10:34.800
All of this boils down to the same[br]basic concept, and it is this one:

0:10:35.320,0:10:38.176
Be interested in other people.

0:10:38.200,0:10:40.616
You know, I grew up[br]with a very famous grandfather,

0:10:40.640,0:10:42.696
and there was kind of a ritual in my home.

0:10:42.720,0:10:45.176
People would come over[br]to talk to my grandparents,

0:10:45.200,0:10:48.056
and after they would leave,[br]my mother would come over to us,

0:10:48.080,0:10:50.056
and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?

0:10:50.080,0:10:51.936
She was the runner-up to Miss America.

0:10:51.960,0:10:53.656
He was the mayor of Sacramento.

0:10:53.680,0:10:56.856
She won a Pulitzer Prize.[br]He's a Russian ballet dancer."

0:10:56.880,0:11:00.256
And I kind of grew up assuming

0:11:00.280,0:11:03.040
everyone has some hidden,[br]amazing thing about them.

0:11:03.680,0:11:06.560
And honestly, I think[br]it's what makes me a better host.

0:11:07.280,0:11:10.096
I keep my mouth shut[br]as often as I possibly can,

0:11:10.120,0:11:11.536
I keep my mind open,

0:11:11.560,0:11:14.056
and I'm always prepared to be amazed,

0:11:14.080,0:11:16.040
and I'm never disappointed.

0:11:16.760,0:11:18.616
You do the same thing.

0:11:18.640,0:11:21.056
Go out, talk to people,

0:11:21.080,0:11:22.296
listen to people,

0:11:22.320,0:11:25.800
and most importantly,[br]be prepared to be amazed.

0:11:26.440,0:11:27.656
Thanks.

0:11:27.680,0:11:30.960
(Applause)