Louis C.K. Monologue - SNL

Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.!

(music and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hi.

(laughter)

It's a little early for that.

Well thank you very much for being here. This
is the 40th year of this show's existence,

and it's the finale, so I'm very honored
honestly, to be asked to host it, so thanks.

And I'm glad you guys are here.

Yeah, it's fine.

Anyway, I was born in 1967, and so I grew
up in the 70's. So, I'm not racist.

(laughter)

However, I do have mild racism.

It's the best I can do coming out of the
70's because that was a very racist

decade. People said racist things all the
time. Nobody got offended. The only

time somebody got offended if you
said something racist in the 70's

is when they would then say: "Hey,
you interrupted me, I was saying something

racist, why did you..."

(laughter)

So I have mild racism. It's benign, it's not
aggressive. It's not even negative racism,

it's mild racism. I'll give you an example.
If I go to a pizza place I've never been to

before, and it's run by 4 black women,
I'll go like: "Hmm."

(laughter)

See? It's very mild. It's extremely mild
racism.

I'll notice that.

"Hmm. You don't usually see that, 4 black
women running a pizza place."

Unless it's called: 4 Black Girls Pizza, or
something like that, like that's the whole

point of the place.

Here's another example of mild racism.
If I - say I'm in a hospital and the doctor

comes in to treat me, and the doctor is
from China or India, I'll think: "Well,

good! Good! More of that, why not?"

(laughter)

Very mild racism. Here's another example.
If I'm in a gas station late at night, and a

young man comes in wearing a hooded
sweatshirt, if he's white, I'll think: "Oh,

he's an athlete."

If he's black, unless he has a big smile
on his face, then I become mildly racist

and this is what I think: "That's fine.
Everything's fine. Nothing's going to

happen. No, of course, I'm fine. Why
did I even think that for a second?!"

(laughter)

This is because I was raised in the 70's.
The 70's were a very different time.

In the 70's everything was different in the
70's than it is now. Except the Middle

East is exactly the same. It's exactly
the same as it was in the 70's.

It's been the same fights, and you know
what, it's boring now! That's the worst

part of it. When I was a kid we were like:
"Ooh!" but you can't go like this for

like 1,000 years. After a while when you
fight people don't care because when

you just keep fighting - everybody's like
those guys are dicks, just fight. That's what

it's like. You know I have 2 kids, and they
fight sometimes. And when they first

started fighting I get concerned. I got in
their room and I'm like: "Hey, what's going

on? What's wrong? Why are we having some
feelings?

(laughter)

Can we listen to each other please? Can we
please just listen to each other? Ok, you

go first." And then she goes, and she's like:

(makes a whiny mocking noise)

"Oh, yeah that sounds hard."

(whiny mocking noise)

"Ok, ok, thank you. Ok now you."

(doofy mocking noise)

(laughter)

Because I like this one a little more, so
I make this one--

(doofy mocking noise)

(laughter)

And they work it out. You help them
work it out. But if they keep fighting, you

stop doing that. That's why you just go in
the room and you just go: "Hey! Shut up!

You're both wrong! You won't stop fighting.
You're in a family, there's a lot of people

in this family and you're being a couple
of selfish little bitches that won't fix

anything."

(laughter)

"You share a room, we can't afford
another room, so just deal with it."

(laughter)

Somehow this has to do with Israel and
Palestine, I don't know exactly...

(laughter)

It is! Because my kids are like Israel and
Palestine. And I'm like America. The little

one is like Palestine because she always
gets screwed. She gets the worst deals.

She's like: "She threw a rock at my face!"
I'm like: "You're fine."

(laughter)

"Look, you have a great life. You have
to take a rock to the face once in a while,

you're fine."

(laughter)

The older one is like Israel. She comes up
to me: "She burnt all of my dolls."

I'm like: "Look, I can't do anything about
it right now."

(laughter)

"Your sister is crazy. Please don't make
me talk to her. I'll work it out, you and me,

ok? We'll go out, I'll buy you a really cool
missile, you can do whatever you want."

(laughter)

"Whatever you do is totally up to you."

(laughter)

The 70's were very different. In the 70's
there was a child molester that lived

in my home town. And it wasn't a big
deal, it wasn't like: We got a child molester!

It was just like, yeah that's the house where
the child molester lives. He lives right -

hey kids, don't be stupid, you'll get
molested, just stay away from the

child molester house. I know because
he did something to me when I was

your age, so just stay away from the
child molester house.

(laughter)

We had a town child molester, his name
was Jean Baptist. True story.

(laughter)

And he liked teenage boys, that's when
you would find out because, I was a

teenage boy. He didn't like me, I felt
a little bad.

(laughter)

(in a French accent)
"No, not you."

He wasn't into me.

(laughter)

But he'd drive up next to teenage
boys and he'd say:

(in a French accent)
"Hello, would you like to go to Mac-Donalds?"

And you're like: "No!"

And he's like: "Why you don't like Mac-
Donald's?"

And then you're trapped because of
course everybody liked McDonald's,

it was the 70's!

(laughter)

And then I had one friend that used
to get in the car and be like: "Sure,

I'll go!" And he'd go to McDonald's, he'd
eat a burger then he'd say see ya! And he'd

just take off and Jean Baptist was like:
"Dooh! I thought I would have sex with

that child!"

(laughter)

"Foiled again!"

But he'd always try.

"Maybe this time!"

(laughter)

Because child molesters are very tenacious
people, they love molesting childs, it's

crazy, it's like their favorite thing.

I mean, it's so crazy because when you
consider the risk in being a child

molester, speaking not of even the damage
you're doing, but the risk, there is no

worse life available to a human than being
a caught child molester. And yet they still

do it! Which from, you could only really
surmise, that it must be really good. I mean

from their point of view! Not ours. But from
their point of view. It must be amazing

for them to risk so much.

(laughter)

How do you think I feel, it's my last show,
probably.

(laughter)

(applause)

I can't key into it because I love Mounds
bars, I love Mounds bars, it's my favorite

thing, right, but there's a limit! I can't
even eat a mounds bar and do something

else at the same time, that's how much
I love them. Like if I'm eating a Mounds

bar I can't read the paper.

I have to just sit there with it in my
mouth like, why is this so good?

I love this so much.

Because they are delicious. And yet
if somebody said to me, "If you eat

another Mounds bar you'll go to
jail and everybody will hate you, I

would stop eating them. Because they
do taste delicious, but they don't

taste as good as a young boy does,
and shouldn't!

To a child molester! Not to me! Not to
us because we're all awesome.

(laughter)

(sigh of relief)
Alright, we did it.

(applause)

We've got a great show tonight!

Rihanna is here, so stick around and
we'll be right back!

(music and applause)