Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.!
(music and applause)
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hi.
(laughter)
It's a little early for that.
Well thank you very much for being here. This is the 40th year of this show's existence,
and it's the finale, so I'm very honored honestly, to be asked to host it, so thanks.
And I'm glad you guys are here.
Yeah, it's fine.
Anyway, I was born in 1967, and so I grew up in the 70's. So, I'm not racist.
(laughter)
However, I do have mild racism.
It's the best I can do coming out of the 70's because that was a very racist
decade. People said racist things all the time. Nobody got offended. The only
time somebody got offended if you said something racist in the 70's
is when they would then say: "Hey, you interrupted me, I was saying something
racist, why did you..."
(laughter)
So I have mild racism. It's benign, it's not aggressive. It's not even negative racism,
it's mild racism. I'll give you an example. If I go to a pizza place I've never been to
before, and it's run by 4 black women, I'll go like: "Hmm."
(laughter)
See? It's very mild. It's extremely mild racism.
I'll notice that.
"Hmm. You don't usually see that, 4 black women running a pizza place."
Unless it's called: 4 Black Girls Pizza, or something like that, like that's the whole
point of the place.
Here's another example of mild racism. If I - say I'm in a hospital and the doctor
comes in to treat me, and the doctor is from China or India, I'll think: "Well,
good! Good! More of that, why not?"
(laughter)
Very mild racism. Here's another example. If I'm in a gas station late at night, and a
young man comes in wearing a hooded sweatshirt, if he's white, I'll think: "Oh,
he's an athlete."
If he's black, unless he has a big smile on his face, then I become mildly racist
and this is what I think: "That's fine. Everything's fine. Nothing's going to
happen. No, of course, I'm fine. Why did I even think that for a second?!"
(laughter)
This is because I was raised in the 70's. The 70's were a very different time.
In the 70's everything was different in the 70's than it is now. Except the Middle
East is exactly the same. It's exactly the same as it was in the 70's.
It's been the same fights, and you know what, it's boring now! That's the worst
part of it. When I was a kid we were like: "Ooh!" but you can't go like this for
like 1,000 years. After a while when you fight people don't care because when
you just keep fighting - everybody's like those guys are dicks, just fight. That's what
it's like. You know I have 2 kids, and they fight sometimes. And when they first
started fighting I get concerned. I got in their room and I'm like: "Hey, what's going
on? What's wrong? Why are we having some feelings?
(laughter)
Can we listen to each other please? Can we please just listen to each other? Ok, you
go first." And then she goes, and she's like:
(makes a whiny mocking noise)
"Oh, yeah that sounds hard."
(whiny mocking noise)
"Ok, ok, thank you. Ok now you."
(doofy mocking noise)
(laughter)
Because I like this one a little more, so I make this one--
(doofy mocking noise)
(laughter)
And they work it out. You help them work it out. But if they keep fighting, you
stop doing that. That's why you just go in the room and you just go: "Hey! Shut up!
You're both wrong! You won't stop fighting. You're in a family, there's a lot of people
in this family and you're being a couple of selfish little bitches that won't fix
anything."
(laughter)
"You share a room, we can't afford another room, so just deal with it."
(laughter)
Somehow this has to do with Israel and Palestine, I don't know exactly...
(laughter)
It is! Because my kids are like Israel and Palestine. And I'm like America. The little
one is like Palestine because she always gets screwed. She gets the worst deals.
She's like: "She threw a rock at my face!" I'm like: "You're fine."
(laughter)
"Look, you have a great life. You have to take a rock to the face once in a while,
you're fine."
(laughter)
The older one is like Israel. She comes up to me: "She burnt all of my dolls."
I'm like: "Look, I can't do anything about it right now."
(laughter)
"Your sister is crazy. Please don't make me talk to her. I'll work it out, you and me,
ok? We'll go out, I'll buy you a really cool missile, you can do whatever you want."
(laughter)
"Whatever you do is totally up to you."
(laughter)
The 70's were very different. In the 70's there was a child molester that lived
in my home town. And it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't like: We got a child molester!
It was just like, yeah that's the house where the child molester lives. He lives right -
hey kids, don't be stupid, you'll get molested, just stay away from the
child molester house. I know because he did something to me when I was
your age, so just stay away from the child molester house.
(laughter)
We had a town child molester, his name was Jean Baptist. True story.
(laughter)
And he liked teenage boys, that's when you would find out because, I was a
teenage boy. He didn't like me, I felt a little bad.
(laughter)
(in a French accent) "No, not you."
He wasn't into me.
(laughter)
But he'd drive up next to teenage boys and he'd say:
(in a French accent) "Hello, would you like to go to Mac-Donalds?"
And you're like: "No!"
And he's like: "Why you don't like Mac- Donald's?"
And then you're trapped because of course everybody liked McDonald's,
it was the 70's!
(laughter)
And then I had one friend that used to get in the car and be like: "Sure,
I'll go!" And he'd go to McDonald's, he'd eat a burger then he'd say see ya! And he'd
just take off and Jean Baptist was like: "Dooh! I thought I would have sex with
that child!"
(laughter)
"Foiled again!"
But he'd always try.
"Maybe this time!"
(laughter)
Because child molesters are very tenacious people, they love molesting childs, it's
crazy, it's like their favorite thing.
I mean, it's so crazy because when you consider the risk in being a child
molester, speaking not of even the damage you're doing, but the risk, there is no
worse life available to a human than being a caught child molester. And yet they still
do it! Which from, you could only really surmise, that it must be really good. I mean
from their point of view! Not ours. But from their point of view. It must be amazing
for them to risk so much.
(laughter)
How do you think I feel, it's my last show, probably.
(laughter)
(applause)
I can't key into it because I love Mounds bars, I love Mounds bars, it's my favorite
thing, right, but there's a limit! I can't even eat a mounds bar and do something
else at the same time, that's how much I love them. Like if I'm eating a Mounds
bar I can't read the paper.
I have to just sit there with it in my mouth like, why is this so good?
I love this so much.
Because they are delicious. And yet if somebody said to me, "If you eat
another Mounds bar you'll go to jail and everybody will hate you, I
would stop eating them. Because they do taste delicious, but they don't
taste as good as a young boy does, and shouldn't!
To a child molester! Not to me! Not to us because we're all awesome.
(laughter)
(sigh of relief) Alright, we did it.
(applause)
We've got a great show tonight!
Rihanna is here, so stick around and we'll be right back!
(music and applause)