WEBVTT

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Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.!

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(music and applause)

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Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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Hi.

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(laughter)

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It's a little early for that.

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Well thank you very much for being here. This
is the 40th year of this show's existence,

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and it's the finale, so I'm very honored 
honestly, to be asked to host it, so thanks.

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And I'm glad you guys are here.

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Yeah, it's fine.

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Anyway, I was born in 1967, and so I grew
up in the 70's. So, I'm not racist.

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(laughter)

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However, I do have mild racism.

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It's the best I can do coming out of the
70's because that was a very racist

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decade. People said racist things all the
time. Nobody got offended. The only

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time somebody got offended if you
said something racist in the 70's

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is when they would then say: "Hey,
you interrupted me, I was saying something

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racist, why did you..."

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(laughter)

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So I have mild racism. It's benign, it's not
aggressive. It's not even negative racism,

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it's mild racism. I'll give you an example.
If I go to a pizza place I've never been to

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before, and it's run by 4 black women, 
I'll go like: "Hmm."

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(laughter)

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See? It's very mild. It's extremely mild
racism.

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I'll notice that.

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"Hmm. You don't usually see that, 4 black
women running a pizza place."

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Unless it's called: 4 Black Girls Pizza, or 
something like that, like that's the whole

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point of the place.

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Here's another example of mild racism.
If I - say I'm in a hospital and the doctor

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comes in to treat me, and the doctor is
from China or India, I'll think: "Well,

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good! Good! More of that, why not?"

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(laughter)

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Very mild racism. Here's another example.
If I'm in a gas station late at night, and a

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young man comes in wearing a hooded
sweatshirt, if he's white, I'll think: "Oh,

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he's an athlete."

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If he's black, unless he has a big smile
on his face, then I become mildly racist

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and this is what I think: "That's fine. 
Everything's fine. Nothing's going to

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happen. No, of course, I'm fine. Why
did I even think that for a second?!"

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(laughter)

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This is because I was raised in the 70's.
The 70's were a very different time.

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In the 70's everything was different in the
70's than it is now. Except the Middle

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East is exactly the same. It's exactly
the same as it was in the 70's.

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It's been the same fights, and you know
what, it's boring now! That's the worst

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part of it. When I was a kid we were like:
"Ooh!" but you can't go like this for

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like 1,000 years. After a while when you
fight people don't care because when

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you just keep fighting - everybody's like
those guys are dicks, just fight. That's what

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it's like. You know I have 2 kids, and they
fight sometimes. And when they first

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started fighting I get concerned. I got in 
their room and I'm like: "Hey, what's going

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on? What's wrong? Why are we having some
feelings?

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(laughter)

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Can we listen to each other please? Can we
please just listen to each other? Ok, you

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go first." And then she goes, and she's like:

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(makes a whiny mocking noise)

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"Oh, yeah that sounds hard."

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(whiny mocking noise)

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"Ok, ok, thank you. Ok now you."

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(doofy mocking noise)

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(laughter)

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Because I like this one a little more, so
I make this one--

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(doofy mocking noise)

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(laughter)

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And they work it out. You help them
work it out. But if they keep fighting, you

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stop doing that. That's why you just go in
the room and you just go: "Hey! Shut up!

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You're both wrong! You won't stop fighting.
You're in a family, there's a lot of people

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in this family and you're being a couple
of selfish little bitches that won't fix

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anything."

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(laughter)

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"You share a room, we can't afford
another room, so just deal with it."

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(laughter)

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Somehow this has to do with Israel and
Palestine, I don't know exactly...

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(laughter)

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It is! Because my kids are like Israel and
Palestine. And I'm like America. The little

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one is like Palestine because she always
gets screwed. She gets the worst deals.

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She's like: "She threw a rock at my face!"
I'm like: "You're fine."

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(laughter)

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"Look, you have a great life. You have
to take a rock to the face once in a while,

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you're fine."

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(laughter)

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The older one is like Israel. She comes up
to me: "She burnt all of my dolls."

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I'm like: "Look, I can't do anything about
it right now."

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(laughter)

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"Your sister is crazy. Please don't make
me talk to her. I'll work it out, you and me,

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ok? We'll go out, I'll buy you a really cool
missile, you can do whatever you want."

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(laughter)

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"Whatever you do is totally up to you."

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(laughter)

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The 70's were very different. In the 70's
there was a child molester that lived

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in my home town. And it wasn't a big
deal, it wasn't like: We got a child molester!

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It was just like, yeah that's the house where 
the child molester lives. He lives right -

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hey kids, don't be stupid, you'll get
molested, just stay away from the

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child molester house. I know because
he did something to me when I was

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your age, so just stay away from the 
child molester house.

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(laughter)

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We had a town child molester, his name
was Jean Baptist. True story.

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(laughter)

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And he liked teenage boys, that's when
you would find out because, I was a

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teenage boy. He didn't like me, I felt
a little bad.

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(laughter)

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(in a French accent) 
"No, not you."

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He wasn't into me.

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(laughter)

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But he'd drive up next to teenage
boys and he'd say:

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(in a French accent)
"Hello, would you like to go to Mac-Donalds?"

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And you're like: "No!"

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And he's like: "Why you don't like Mac-
Donald's?"

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And then you're trapped because of
course everybody liked McDonald's,

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it was the 70's!

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(laughter)

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And then I had one friend that used
to get in the car and be like: "Sure,

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I'll go!" And he'd go to McDonald's, he'd
eat a burger then he'd say see ya! And he'd

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just take off and Jean Baptist was like:
"Dooh! I thought I would have sex with

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that child!"

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(laughter)

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"Foiled again!"

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But he'd always try.

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"Maybe this time!"

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(laughter)

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Because child molesters are very tenacious
people, they love molesting childs, it's

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crazy, it's like their favorite thing.

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I mean, it's so crazy because when you
consider the risk in being a child

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molester, speaking not of even the damage
you're doing, but the risk, there is no

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worse life available to a human than being
a caught child molester. And yet they still

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do it! Which from, you could only really 
surmise, that it must be really good. I mean

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from their point of view! Not ours. But from
their point of view. It must be amazing

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for them to risk so much.

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(laughter)

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How do you think I feel, it's my last show,
probably.

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(laughter)

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(applause)

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I can't key into it because I love Mounds
bars, I love Mounds bars, it's my favorite

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thing, right, but there's a limit! I can't
even eat a mounds bar and do something

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else at the same time, that's how much
I love them. Like if I'm eating a Mounds

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bar I can't read the paper.

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I have to just sit there with it in my
mouth like, why is this so good?

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I love this so much.

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Because they are delicious. And yet
if somebody said to me, "If you eat

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another Mounds bar you'll go to 
jail and everybody will hate you, I

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would stop eating them. Because they
do taste delicious, but they don't

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taste as good as a young boy does, 
and shouldn't!

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To a child molester! Not to me! Not to
us because we're all awesome.

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(laughter)

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(sigh of relief)
Alright, we did it.

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(applause)

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We've got a great show tonight!

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Rihanna is here, so stick around and
we'll be right back!

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(music and applause)