< Return to Video

Orgasm: the cure for hunger in the Western woman | Nicole Daedone | TEDxSF

  • 0:16 - 0:18
    All right, OK.
  • 0:18 - 0:19
    (Laughter)
  • 0:19 - 0:24
    My subject is a little bit
    more challenging to introduce.
  • 0:24 - 0:26
    I've been doing radio interviews lately
  • 0:26 - 0:30
    and noticing the interviewer will spend
    the first 40% of the interview
  • 0:30 - 0:33
    preparing the listening audience
    for me to come on.
  • 0:33 - 0:36
    They'll say things
    like, "Ladies and gentlemen,
  • 0:36 - 0:39
    the author of 'Slow sex,'
    the art and practice of..."
  • 0:39 - 0:41
    - hmm -
  • 0:41 - 0:42
    Nicole Daedone.
  • 0:42 - 0:44
    So I figured we're TED people.
  • 0:44 - 0:46
    We're fast, we're savvy, we're smart,
  • 0:46 - 0:48
    so I'm just going to break the ice first:
  • 0:48 - 0:51
    my topic is female orgasm.
  • 0:51 - 0:53
    (Applause)
  • 0:55 - 0:56
    Thank you.
  • 0:56 - 0:58
    (Applause)
  • 0:58 - 1:00
    So that said,
  • 1:00 - 1:03
    I want to thank the people of TEDx
    for having me on this stage.
  • 1:03 - 1:07
    This has been a dream of mine
    that I thought was absolutely impossible;
  • 1:07 - 1:08
    that we could have
  • 1:08 - 1:11
    a relevant, intelligent conversation
    about female orgasm
  • 1:11 - 1:14
    was just a distant dream for me.
  • 1:14 - 1:16
    I just fell in love with this practice.
  • 1:16 - 1:17
    That's what happened for me.
  • 1:17 - 1:20
    I gave nearly 10,000 hours
    to this practice.
  • 1:20 - 1:21
    That's a lot of hours.
  • 1:21 - 1:22
    (Laughter)
  • 1:22 - 1:24
    A lot!
  • 1:24 - 1:28
    But I learned some key things
    in that time that I am bringing to you.
  • 1:28 - 1:34
    The first is that female orgasm is vital
    for every single woman on the planet.
  • 1:34 - 1:38
    The second is:
    is not so bad for the guys either.
  • 1:38 - 1:39
    (Laughter)
  • 1:39 - 1:43
    The third, and on
    a much more serious note,
  • 1:43 - 1:47
    is that it roots
    our fundamental capacity for connection.
  • 1:48 - 1:50
    It's for this reason that I believe
  • 1:51 - 1:55
    that at some point, you will hear
  • 1:55 - 1:59
    yoga, meditation, and orgasm.
  • 1:59 - 2:00
    And you won't hear it
  • 2:00 - 2:04
    yoga, meditation, and (whispering) orgasm.
  • 2:05 - 2:10
    In 2004, I founded "One Taste"
    urban retreat centers with this in mind.
  • 2:10 - 2:13
    "One taste" comes from
    the Buddhist expression,
  • 2:13 - 2:17
    "Just as the ocean has
    one taste, the taste of salt,
  • 2:17 - 2:20
    so does the taste of liberation,
    the taste of truth."
  • 2:20 - 2:24
    I felt like I had tasted a truth
    that was so undeniable
  • 2:24 - 2:26
    I had to bring it to the world.
  • 2:26 - 2:28
    I was absolutely clear on this.
  • 2:28 - 2:30
    Mind you, not everyone was.
  • 2:33 - 2:39
    We had lectures, we had courses,
    we had what every orgasm study needs;
  • 2:39 - 2:41
    we had a residence.
  • 2:41 - 2:43
    It was insane by pretty much
    anyone's standards,
  • 2:43 - 2:46
    and we had the lack
    of clientele to prove it.
  • 2:46 - 2:49
    My business partner has
    journal entries that say things
  • 2:49 - 2:54
    like, "Two people showed up
    to the business this week.
  • 2:54 - 2:59
    The first was the postman,
    the second was a wrong address."
  • 3:00 - 3:01
    Crickets.
  • 3:01 - 3:03
    So I began to question whether or not
  • 3:03 - 3:07
    this brilliant, life-altering notion
    that I had was actually right.
  • 3:08 - 3:10
    And I began to give up.
  • 3:10 - 3:16
    Until all of a sudden, in some odd storm,
    the New York Times discovered us.
  • 3:16 - 3:20
    And when that happened,
    people began to flood into our doors;
  • 3:20 - 3:23
    person after person after person.
  • 3:23 - 3:26
    Fundamentally, each person
    was saying the same thing.
  • 3:26 - 3:31
    They were saying
    some version of "I'm hungry.
  • 3:31 - 3:35
    There's this annoying sense of hunger
    that I can't quite reach.
  • 3:35 - 3:38
    I don't know how to touch it."
  • 3:38 - 3:41
    So I was very clear,
    and I would say to them,
  • 3:41 - 3:43
    "Oh! Orgasm."
  • 3:43 - 3:45
    And they would say, "What?"
  • 3:45 - 3:47
    And I would say, "Orgasm."
  • 3:47 - 3:49
    And they would say, "Huh?"
  • 3:49 - 3:51
    Because at the time, what happened
  • 3:51 - 3:56
    was they were hearing the toxic mimic
    of what I was talking about;
  • 3:56 - 3:59
    because that was the only thing
    that had ever been given to us.
  • 3:59 - 4:03
    They were hearing this exaggerated version
  • 4:03 - 4:07
    where you imagine sex toys and boas,
  • 4:07 - 4:11
    or, the other version, where you have
    to call your genitals weird things,
  • 4:11 - 4:14
    and use different
    spiritual names and stuff,
  • 4:14 - 4:20
    but nobody was actually just imagining
    playing good, clean, everyday orgasm
  • 4:20 - 4:21
    as I was talking about it.
  • 4:21 - 4:23
    And it was for this reason
  • 4:23 - 4:26
    that people were coming to me
    saying things
  • 4:26 - 4:28
    like, "I've been married
    to my partner for 28 years,
  • 4:28 - 4:30
    and we haven't touched for 18."
  • 4:30 - 4:35
    Or women were coming to me
    saying, "I just roll over at night,
  • 4:35 - 4:38
    and I hope he doesn't touch me
    because I don't want to fake it again."
  • 4:38 - 4:39
    Or men were saying,
  • 4:39 - 4:43
    "I want to do everything to please her,
  • 4:43 - 4:46
    and I cannot figure it out."
  • 4:46 - 4:51
    Or, more commonly, woman after woman
    was coming through my office,
  • 4:51 - 4:56
    and they were chanting what I call,
    "The Western woman's mantra,"
  • 4:57 - 5:02
    "I work too hard, I eat too much,
    I diet too much, I drink too much,
  • 5:02 - 5:04
    I shop too much, I give too much.
  • 5:05 - 5:09
    And still, there's this sense
    of hunger that I can't touch."
  • 5:11 - 5:14
    So, when I first discovered this thing,
  • 5:14 - 5:18
    this thing that's called
    orgasmic meditation, this practice,
  • 5:18 - 5:23
    I was fairly smart, I was fairly savvy,
    it wasn't like I grew up in a convent,
  • 5:23 - 5:28
    I had a great sex life,
    I had all the climax I could ever want;
  • 5:28 - 5:33
    and still, I had never
    experienced anything like this.
  • 5:35 - 5:37
    It happened like this: I went to a party
  • 5:38 - 5:39
    (Laughter)
  • 5:43 - 5:47
    - orgasm is compelling enough
    for me to unveil myself -
  • 5:47 - 5:51
    I went to this party, and I met this guy;
    which sounds typical.
  • 5:52 - 5:54
    This wasn't a typical guy.
  • 5:54 - 5:57
    He said, "I'd like to introduce you ..."
  • 5:57 - 6:00
    - Oh! You could use
    this line if you want! -
  • 6:00 - 6:02
    (Laughter)
  • 6:02 - 6:06
    "I'd like to introduce you
    to this sexuality practice."
  • 6:06 - 6:07
    I said, "Huh?"
  • 6:07 - 6:11
    He said, "I'd like to introduce you
    to this sexuality practice."
  • 6:11 - 6:13
    And then he said,
  • 6:13 - 6:16
    "OK, you are going to take off your pants,
  • 6:19 - 6:21
    and I am going to leave my clothes on.
  • 6:22 - 6:24
    And then, you're going to lie down,
  • 6:24 - 6:28
    and I am going to put all of my attention
    on you for 15 minutes."
  • 6:28 - 6:30
    "OK."
  • 6:30 - 6:33
    "And then, at the end of it,
    you're free to go."
  • 6:35 - 6:37
    (Laughter)
  • 6:39 - 6:44
    I am a good woman,
    and I have the defenses of every woman.
  • 6:44 - 6:49
    I know how to say no, but somehow,
    I found myself lying there,
  • 6:49 - 6:52
    with my legs butterflied-open.
  • 6:54 - 6:57
    So that you can know what the practice is,
  • 6:57 - 6:59
    so that you can go home
    tonight and try it.
  • 6:59 - 7:01
    I'll describe what he did.
  • 7:01 - 7:04
    I was lying there,
    my legs were butterflied-open,
  • 7:04 - 7:07
    and he did what you would
    always expect in a sexual act;
  • 7:07 - 7:11
    he took a light and shown it down there.
  • 7:13 - 7:18
    And then, he began
    to describe what he saw.
  • 7:19 - 7:22
    He said, "You're outer labia are coral.
  • 7:22 - 7:25
    I'm noticing that the your inner labia
    have this red tone to them,
  • 7:25 - 7:28
    and they're swelling as I look at them."
  • 7:28 - 7:32
    And I couldn't hear anything after that
    because the tears just started flooding;
  • 7:32 - 7:35
    something began to thone me.
  • 7:40 - 7:44
    I have never been looked at
    or felt that kind of compassion
  • 7:44 - 7:46
    in that area before.
  • 7:46 - 7:48
    So then, he sat next to me,
  • 7:49 - 7:54
    and he put his right thumb
    at the base of my introitus,
  • 7:54 - 7:58
    which is the area that you would enter
    were you to have intercourse.
  • 7:58 - 8:02
    And he took his finger
    and stuck it in lubrication.
  • 8:02 - 8:04
    And then he pulled his finger up,
  • 8:04 - 8:08
    and he put it on the upper left hand
    quadrant of my clitoris.
  • 8:08 - 8:12
    The upper left hand quadrant
    of my clitoris would be,
  • 8:12 - 8:17
    where I'm facing you, the one o'clock
    position with my clitoris, a clock.
  • 8:17 - 8:24
    He stroked up down,
  • 8:24 - 8:28
    up down, up down, up down
  • 8:28 - 8:33
    no firmer than you would stroke
    your eye lid, that tender tissue there.
  • 8:33 - 8:35
    So, it was great!
  • 8:35 - 8:38
    Because nothing happened.
  • 8:38 - 8:39
    Absolutely nothing.
  • 8:39 - 8:43
    I was where I always am or was
    when I was in any kind of sexuality act.
  • 8:43 - 8:45
    I was in my head.
  • 8:45 - 8:47
    I was thinking about
    whether or not I looked good,
  • 8:47 - 8:51
    I was thinking about whether or not
    I was doing this thing right,
  • 8:51 - 8:53
    I was thinking whether or not
    this guy was kind of creepy,
  • 8:53 - 8:55
    whether or not I was marry him;
  • 8:55 - 9:00
    I was thinking about whether or not
    my stomach looked a little poochy,
  • 9:00 - 9:02
    and then, all of a sudden,
  • 9:05 - 9:09
    the traffic jam that was
    in my mind broke open.
  • 9:10 - 9:12
    It was like I was on the open road,
  • 9:12 - 9:17
    and there was not a thought in sight,
    and there was only pure feeling.
  • 9:17 - 9:24
    For the first time in my life
    I felt like I had access to that hunger
  • 9:24 - 9:28
    that was underneath
    all of my other hungers,
  • 9:28 - 9:33
    which is a fundamental hunger
    to connect with another human being.
  • 9:33 - 9:35
    It was enough,
    and in that moment, I thought,
  • 9:35 - 9:40
    "Oh, my God! This is
    what it's supposed to be like."
  • 9:41 - 9:43
    Then I had a moment of thinking,
  • 9:43 - 9:47
    "I want to know
    how to live here in this place."
  • 9:47 - 9:49
    And then I thought,
    in my philanthropic way,
  • 9:49 - 9:52
    that I want everyone else
    to know how to live here.
  • 9:52 - 9:54
    Then that window closed.
  • 9:55 - 9:59
    Then I sat about learning
    how to live there,
  • 9:59 - 10:03
    and I began studying
    in weird behind-the-scenes places,
  • 10:03 - 10:06
    and then I cobbled together this practice
  • 10:06 - 10:10
    that could in a repeatable way
    get thousands of people
  • 10:10 - 10:14
    who have come through our doors
    back to this place.
  • 10:14 - 10:19
    The amazing thing isn't just
    that you can hit that place,
  • 10:19 - 10:22
    is that you can hit it
    with another human being.
  • 10:22 - 10:27
    I don't like anything, I really, really
    don't like anything woo woo
  • 10:27 - 10:31
    so I'm going to describe it in
    the simplest way I can possibly think.
  • 10:31 - 10:35
    Both people are putting
    their attention on the same point;
  • 10:35 - 10:37
    - it's a fairly intense point, mind you -
  • 10:37 - 10:40
    they are putting their attention
    on this intense point,
  • 10:40 - 10:46
    and then, just like a master chess player
    would get absorbed in a chess game,
  • 10:46 - 10:50
    or perhaps an Olympic athlete
    would get absorbed in his practice,
  • 10:50 - 10:53
    or a breathing mediator
    would get absorbed,
  • 10:53 - 10:55
    you get absorbed into that place.
  • 10:55 - 11:00
    The only difference is that you get
    to be absorbed there with your partner,
  • 11:00 - 11:03
    you get to have this most profound
    and deep experience
  • 11:03 - 11:06
    with another human being.
  • 11:06 - 11:12
    So, mind you, I've met
    with some skepticism;
  • 11:12 - 11:15
    people have called
    my life's practice diddling.
  • 11:15 - 11:18
    (Laughter)
  • 11:18 - 11:22
    They've called it mutual masturbation,
  • 11:22 - 11:25
    but the challenge
    is that I can't get mad at them
  • 11:25 - 11:26
    because I too am a skeptic;
  • 11:26 - 11:27
    I was an academic,
  • 11:27 - 11:31
    I prided myself on my ability to say no,
  • 11:31 - 11:33
    I prided myself on my critical thinking.
  • 11:33 - 11:39
    There is no way you ever, ever, ever
    could have convinced me to try this thing.
  • 11:39 - 11:42
    What happened was I tried it,
    and that convinced me
  • 11:42 - 11:45
    so that's what I say to people
    when they come into my office.
  • 11:45 - 11:47
    I say,"'Just try it.
  • 11:47 - 11:51
    Really, the worst thing you have to lose
    is 15 minutes of your life.
  • 11:51 - 11:54
    The best thing you have to lose
    is that sense of hopelessness
  • 11:54 - 12:00
    that you will ever be
    reached deep inside."
  • 12:02 - 12:05
    I sat about this journey,
  • 12:05 - 12:08
    and I can tell you
    that there was a moment
  • 12:08 - 12:11
    when I received a stroke
    that could never be taken back.
  • 12:11 - 12:14
    It was a stroke where I knew
    I had been returned to my birth right
  • 12:14 - 12:19
    of my capacity to perceive
    and receive pleasure.
  • 12:19 - 12:25
    This is often a complete shock
    to women when they come in,
  • 12:25 - 12:26
    when I say, "Just try orgasm."
  • 12:26 - 12:30
    Mind you, that's not that much of a shock
    to the pharmaceutical companies;
  • 12:30 - 12:34
    they've been spending the past 10 years
    creating the next female Viagra.
  • 12:35 - 12:38
    For the DSM-5, they've proposed
  • 12:38 - 12:44
    hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
  • 12:45 - 12:50
    I don't think that it is
    hypoactive sexual desire disorder,
  • 12:51 - 12:55
    but I do think we have a pleasure
    deficit disorder in this country,
  • 12:55 - 12:58
    and I don't think that is medical.
  • 12:58 - 13:00
    I think it's a cultural issue.
  • 13:01 - 13:04
    I do think though that there is a cure,
  • 13:04 - 13:05
    and that cure is orgasm,
  • 13:05 - 13:10
    but it's going to be a very different
    definition of orgasm than we know.
  • 13:10 - 13:14
    It is not going to be
    that fleeting moment of climax
  • 13:14 - 13:18
    that seems to take
    the whole rest of the act hostage,
  • 13:18 - 13:23
    it's going to be a definition of orgasm
    that actually works with the woman's body
  • 13:23 - 13:27
    so that rather than trying
    to stuff a woman's body
  • 13:27 - 13:30
    into an ill-fitting definition,
  • 13:30 - 13:34
    we have the definition work
    with what the woman's body does.
  • 13:34 - 13:37
    And the amazing thing is
    that when you have this,
  • 13:37 - 13:44
    this whole notion of frigidity
    or a woman being anorgasmic
  • 13:44 - 13:46
    flies out the window.
  • 13:46 - 13:51
    And what it's replaced with
    is an entire lifetime journey
  • 13:51 - 13:57
    of discovering who you are
    and how your particular orgasm works.
  • 14:01 - 14:02
    (Applause)
  • 14:04 - 14:06
    That said,
  • 14:08 - 14:12
    the Dalai Lama has said
  • 14:15 - 14:18
    that it will be a Western woman
    who changes the world.
  • 14:18 - 14:20
    And mind you, I don't know
    if you know about this,
  • 14:20 - 14:23
    but it's actually
    a fairly controversial statement
  • 14:23 - 14:27
    because it presumes
    that Western women are above other women
  • 14:27 - 14:31
    in terms of changing the world.
  • 14:31 - 14:34
    I actually have
    a totally different issue with it:
  • 14:35 - 14:40
    I think that it will be
    turned-on women around the world
  • 14:40 - 14:42
    who'll change the world,
  • 14:42 - 14:46
    it will be turned-on women
    and those who dare to stroke us
  • 14:46 - 14:53
    who'll actually change the world
  • 14:54 - 14:59
    by feeding this desire
    for connection that we all have.
  • 14:59 - 15:00
    Thank you.
  • 15:00 - 15:02
    (Applause)
Title:
Orgasm: the cure for hunger in the Western woman | Nicole Daedone | TEDxSF
Description:

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Nicole Daedone is a sought-after speaker, author, and educator focusing on the intersection between orgasm, intimacy, and life. She is the founder of OneTaste, a cutting-edge company bringing a new definition of orgasm to women. The practice at the heart of her work is called OM or Orgasmic Meditation. OM uniquely combines the tradition of extended orgasm with Nicole's own interest in Zen Buddhism, mystical Judaism and semantics. Helping to foster a new conversation about orgasm - one that's real, relevant, and intelligent - she has inspired thousands of students to make OM a part of their everyday lives.

Nicole graduated from San Francisco State University with a degree in semantics and gender communication. She went on to found the popular avant garde art gallery 111 Minna Gallery in SoMa before moving on to OneTaste. Nicole is the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (Grand Central/Hachette, May 2011) and has appeared on ABC's Nightline. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Post, the San Francisco Chronicle, and 7x7 Magazine, among others, and her writing has appeared in Tricycle magazine. In his #1 New York Times Bestseller The 4-Hour Body Timothy Ferriss calls the OM practice "required education for every man on the planet." For more about OneTaste and OM, visit http://onetaste.us. Nicole's blog appears at http://nicoledaedone.com.
Raised in Los Gatos, CA, Nicole now lives in San Francisco.

more » « less
Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDxTalks
Duration:
15:08
  • review pending https://amara.org/es/profiles/profile/sarah_liu/

English subtitles

Revisions