Orgasm: the cure for hunger in the Western woman | Nicole Daedone | TEDxSF
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0:16 - 0:18All right, OK.
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0:18 - 0:19(Laughter)
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0:19 - 0:24My subject is a little bit
more challenging to introduce. -
0:24 - 0:26I've been doing radio interviews lately
-
0:26 - 0:30and noticing the interviewer will spend
the first 40% of the interview -
0:30 - 0:33preparing the listening audience
for me to come on. -
0:33 - 0:36They'll say things
like, "Ladies and gentlemen, -
0:36 - 0:39the author of 'Slow sex,'
the art and practice of..." -
0:39 - 0:41- hmm -
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0:41 - 0:42Nicole Daedone.
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0:42 - 0:44So I figured we're TED people.
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0:44 - 0:46We're fast, we're savvy, we're smart,
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0:46 - 0:48so I'm just going to break the ice first:
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0:48 - 0:51my topic is female orgasm.
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0:51 - 0:53(Applause)
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0:55 - 0:56Thank you.
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0:56 - 0:58(Applause)
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0:58 - 1:00So that said,
-
1:00 - 1:03I want to thank the people of TEDx
for having me on this stage. -
1:03 - 1:07This has been a dream of mine
that I thought was absolutely impossible; -
1:07 - 1:08that we could have
-
1:08 - 1:11a relevant, intelligent conversation
about female orgasm -
1:11 - 1:14was just a distant dream for me.
-
1:14 - 1:16I just fell in love with this practice.
-
1:16 - 1:17That's what happened for me.
-
1:17 - 1:20I gave nearly 10,000 hours
to this practice. -
1:20 - 1:21That's a lot of hours.
-
1:21 - 1:22(Laughter)
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1:22 - 1:24A lot!
-
1:24 - 1:28But I learned some key things
in that time that I am bringing to you. -
1:28 - 1:34The first is that female orgasm is vital
for every single woman on the planet. -
1:34 - 1:38The second is:
is not so bad for the guys either. -
1:38 - 1:39(Laughter)
-
1:39 - 1:43The third, and on
a much more serious note, -
1:43 - 1:47is that it roots
our fundamental capacity for connection. -
1:48 - 1:50It's for this reason that I believe
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1:51 - 1:55that at some point, you will hear
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1:55 - 1:59yoga, meditation, and orgasm.
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1:59 - 2:00And you won't hear it
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2:00 - 2:04yoga, meditation, and (whispering) orgasm.
-
2:05 - 2:10In 2004, I founded "One Taste"
urban retreat centers with this in mind. -
2:10 - 2:13"One taste" comes from
the Buddhist expression, -
2:13 - 2:17"Just as the ocean has
one taste, the taste of salt, -
2:17 - 2:20so does the taste of liberation,
the taste of truth." -
2:20 - 2:24I felt like I had tasted a truth
that was so undeniable -
2:24 - 2:26I had to bring it to the world.
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2:26 - 2:28I was absolutely clear on this.
-
2:28 - 2:30Mind you, not everyone was.
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2:33 - 2:39We had lectures, we had courses,
we had what every orgasm study needs; -
2:39 - 2:41we had a residence.
-
2:41 - 2:43It was insane by pretty much
anyone's standards, -
2:43 - 2:46and we had the lack
of clientele to prove it. -
2:46 - 2:49My business partner has
journal entries that say things -
2:49 - 2:54like, "Two people showed up
to the business this week. -
2:54 - 2:59The first was the postman,
the second was a wrong address." -
3:00 - 3:01Crickets.
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3:01 - 3:03So I began to question whether or not
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3:03 - 3:07this brilliant, life-altering notion
that I had was actually right. -
3:08 - 3:10And I began to give up.
-
3:10 - 3:16Until all of a sudden, in some odd storm,
the New York Times discovered us. -
3:16 - 3:20And when that happened,
people began to flood into our doors; -
3:20 - 3:23person after person after person.
-
3:23 - 3:26Fundamentally, each person
was saying the same thing. -
3:26 - 3:31They were saying
some version of "I'm hungry. -
3:31 - 3:35There's this annoying sense of hunger
that I can't quite reach. -
3:35 - 3:38I don't know how to touch it."
-
3:38 - 3:41So I was very clear,
and I would say to them, -
3:41 - 3:43"Oh! Orgasm."
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3:43 - 3:45And they would say, "What?"
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3:45 - 3:47And I would say, "Orgasm."
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3:47 - 3:49And they would say, "Huh?"
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3:49 - 3:51Because at the time, what happened
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3:51 - 3:56was they were hearing the toxic mimic
of what I was talking about; -
3:56 - 3:59because that was the only thing
that had ever been given to us. -
3:59 - 4:03They were hearing this exaggerated version
-
4:03 - 4:07where you imagine sex toys and boas,
-
4:07 - 4:11or, the other version, where you have
to call your genitals weird things, -
4:11 - 4:14and use different
spiritual names and stuff, -
4:14 - 4:20but nobody was actually just imagining
playing good, clean, everyday orgasm -
4:20 - 4:21as I was talking about it.
-
4:21 - 4:23And it was for this reason
-
4:23 - 4:26that people were coming to me
saying things -
4:26 - 4:28like, "I've been married
to my partner for 28 years, -
4:28 - 4:30and we haven't touched for 18."
-
4:30 - 4:35Or women were coming to me
saying, "I just roll over at night, -
4:35 - 4:38and I hope he doesn't touch me
because I don't want to fake it again." -
4:38 - 4:39Or men were saying,
-
4:39 - 4:43"I want to do everything to please her,
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4:43 - 4:46and I cannot figure it out."
-
4:46 - 4:51Or, more commonly, woman after woman
was coming through my office, -
4:51 - 4:56and they were chanting what I call,
"The Western woman's mantra," -
4:57 - 5:02"I work too hard, I eat too much,
I diet too much, I drink too much, -
5:02 - 5:04I shop too much, I give too much.
-
5:05 - 5:09And still, there's this sense
of hunger that I can't touch." -
5:11 - 5:14So, when I first discovered this thing,
-
5:14 - 5:18this thing that's called
orgasmic meditation, this practice, -
5:18 - 5:23I was fairly smart, I was fairly savvy,
it wasn't like I grew up in a convent, -
5:23 - 5:28I had a great sex life,
I had all the climax I could ever want; -
5:28 - 5:33and still, I had never
experienced anything like this. -
5:35 - 5:37It happened like this: I went to a party
-
5:38 - 5:39(Laughter)
-
5:43 - 5:47- orgasm is compelling enough
for me to unveil myself - -
5:47 - 5:51I went to this party, and I met this guy;
which sounds typical. -
5:52 - 5:54This wasn't a typical guy.
-
5:54 - 5:57He said, "I'd like to introduce you ..."
-
5:57 - 6:00- Oh! You could use
this line if you want! - -
6:00 - 6:02(Laughter)
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6:02 - 6:06"I'd like to introduce you
to this sexuality practice." -
6:06 - 6:07I said, "Huh?"
-
6:07 - 6:11He said, "I'd like to introduce you
to this sexuality practice." -
6:11 - 6:13And then he said,
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6:13 - 6:16"OK, you are going to take off your pants,
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6:19 - 6:21and I am going to leave my clothes on.
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6:22 - 6:24And then, you're going to lie down,
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6:24 - 6:28and I am going to put all of my attention
on you for 15 minutes." -
6:28 - 6:30"OK."
-
6:30 - 6:33"And then, at the end of it,
you're free to go." -
6:35 - 6:37(Laughter)
-
6:39 - 6:44I am a good woman,
and I have the defenses of every woman. -
6:44 - 6:49I know how to say no, but somehow,
I found myself lying there, -
6:49 - 6:52with my legs butterflied-open.
-
6:54 - 6:57So that you can know what the practice is,
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6:57 - 6:59so that you can go home
tonight and try it. -
6:59 - 7:01I'll describe what he did.
-
7:01 - 7:04I was lying there,
my legs were butterflied-open, -
7:04 - 7:07and he did what you would
always expect in a sexual act; -
7:07 - 7:11he took a light and shown it down there.
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7:13 - 7:18And then, he began
to describe what he saw. -
7:19 - 7:22He said, "You're outer labia are coral.
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7:22 - 7:25I'm noticing that the your inner labia
have this red tone to them, -
7:25 - 7:28and they're swelling as I look at them."
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7:28 - 7:32And I couldn't hear anything after that
because the tears just started flooding; -
7:32 - 7:35something began to thone me.
-
7:40 - 7:44I have never been looked at
or felt that kind of compassion -
7:44 - 7:46in that area before.
-
7:46 - 7:48So then, he sat next to me,
-
7:49 - 7:54and he put his right thumb
at the base of my introitus, -
7:54 - 7:58which is the area that you would enter
were you to have intercourse. -
7:58 - 8:02And he took his finger
and stuck it in lubrication. -
8:02 - 8:04And then he pulled his finger up,
-
8:04 - 8:08and he put it on the upper left hand
quadrant of my clitoris. -
8:08 - 8:12The upper left hand quadrant
of my clitoris would be, -
8:12 - 8:17where I'm facing you, the one o'clock
position with my clitoris, a clock. -
8:17 - 8:24He stroked up down,
-
8:24 - 8:28up down, up down, up down
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8:28 - 8:33no firmer than you would stroke
your eye lid, that tender tissue there. -
8:33 - 8:35So, it was great!
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8:35 - 8:38Because nothing happened.
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8:38 - 8:39Absolutely nothing.
-
8:39 - 8:43I was where I always am or was
when I was in any kind of sexuality act. -
8:43 - 8:45I was in my head.
-
8:45 - 8:47I was thinking about
whether or not I looked good, -
8:47 - 8:51I was thinking about whether or not
I was doing this thing right, -
8:51 - 8:53I was thinking whether or not
this guy was kind of creepy, -
8:53 - 8:55whether or not I was marry him;
-
8:55 - 9:00I was thinking about whether or not
my stomach looked a little poochy, -
9:00 - 9:02and then, all of a sudden,
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9:05 - 9:09the traffic jam that was
in my mind broke open. -
9:10 - 9:12It was like I was on the open road,
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9:12 - 9:17and there was not a thought in sight,
and there was only pure feeling. -
9:17 - 9:24For the first time in my life
I felt like I had access to that hunger -
9:24 - 9:28that was underneath
all of my other hungers, -
9:28 - 9:33which is a fundamental hunger
to connect with another human being. -
9:33 - 9:35It was enough,
and in that moment, I thought, -
9:35 - 9:40"Oh, my God! This is
what it's supposed to be like." -
9:41 - 9:43Then I had a moment of thinking,
-
9:43 - 9:47"I want to know
how to live here in this place." -
9:47 - 9:49And then I thought,
in my philanthropic way, -
9:49 - 9:52that I want everyone else
to know how to live here. -
9:52 - 9:54Then that window closed.
-
9:55 - 9:59Then I sat about learning
how to live there, -
9:59 - 10:03and I began studying
in weird behind-the-scenes places, -
10:03 - 10:06and then I cobbled together this practice
-
10:06 - 10:10that could in a repeatable way
get thousands of people -
10:10 - 10:14who have come through our doors
back to this place. -
10:14 - 10:19The amazing thing isn't just
that you can hit that place, -
10:19 - 10:22is that you can hit it
with another human being. -
10:22 - 10:27I don't like anything, I really, really
don't like anything woo woo -
10:27 - 10:31so I'm going to describe it in
the simplest way I can possibly think. -
10:31 - 10:35Both people are putting
their attention on the same point; -
10:35 - 10:37- it's a fairly intense point, mind you -
-
10:37 - 10:40they are putting their attention
on this intense point, -
10:40 - 10:46and then, just like a master chess player
would get absorbed in a chess game, -
10:46 - 10:50or perhaps an Olympic athlete
would get absorbed in his practice, -
10:50 - 10:53or a breathing mediator
would get absorbed, -
10:53 - 10:55you get absorbed into that place.
-
10:55 - 11:00The only difference is that you get
to be absorbed there with your partner, -
11:00 - 11:03you get to have this most profound
and deep experience -
11:03 - 11:06with another human being.
-
11:06 - 11:12So, mind you, I've met
with some skepticism; -
11:12 - 11:15people have called
my life's practice diddling. -
11:15 - 11:18(Laughter)
-
11:18 - 11:22They've called it mutual masturbation,
-
11:22 - 11:25but the challenge
is that I can't get mad at them -
11:25 - 11:26because I too am a skeptic;
-
11:26 - 11:27I was an academic,
-
11:27 - 11:31I prided myself on my ability to say no,
-
11:31 - 11:33I prided myself on my critical thinking.
-
11:33 - 11:39There is no way you ever, ever, ever
could have convinced me to try this thing. -
11:39 - 11:42What happened was I tried it,
and that convinced me -
11:42 - 11:45so that's what I say to people
when they come into my office. -
11:45 - 11:47I say,"'Just try it.
-
11:47 - 11:51Really, the worst thing you have to lose
is 15 minutes of your life. -
11:51 - 11:54The best thing you have to lose
is that sense of hopelessness -
11:54 - 12:00that you will ever be
reached deep inside." -
12:02 - 12:05I sat about this journey,
-
12:05 - 12:08and I can tell you
that there was a moment -
12:08 - 12:11when I received a stroke
that could never be taken back. -
12:11 - 12:14It was a stroke where I knew
I had been returned to my birth right -
12:14 - 12:19of my capacity to perceive
and receive pleasure. -
12:19 - 12:25This is often a complete shock
to women when they come in, -
12:25 - 12:26when I say, "Just try orgasm."
-
12:26 - 12:30Mind you, that's not that much of a shock
to the pharmaceutical companies; -
12:30 - 12:34they've been spending the past 10 years
creating the next female Viagra. -
12:35 - 12:38For the DSM-5, they've proposed
-
12:38 - 12:44hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
-
12:45 - 12:50I don't think that it is
hypoactive sexual desire disorder, -
12:51 - 12:55but I do think we have a pleasure
deficit disorder in this country, -
12:55 - 12:58and I don't think that is medical.
-
12:58 - 13:00I think it's a cultural issue.
-
13:01 - 13:04I do think though that there is a cure,
-
13:04 - 13:05and that cure is orgasm,
-
13:05 - 13:10but it's going to be a very different
definition of orgasm than we know. -
13:10 - 13:14It is not going to be
that fleeting moment of climax -
13:14 - 13:18that seems to take
the whole rest of the act hostage, -
13:18 - 13:23it's going to be a definition of orgasm
that actually works with the woman's body -
13:23 - 13:27so that rather than trying
to stuff a woman's body -
13:27 - 13:30into an ill-fitting definition,
-
13:30 - 13:34we have the definition work
with what the woman's body does. -
13:34 - 13:37And the amazing thing is
that when you have this, -
13:37 - 13:44this whole notion of frigidity
or a woman being anorgasmic -
13:44 - 13:46flies out the window.
-
13:46 - 13:51And what it's replaced with
is an entire lifetime journey -
13:51 - 13:57of discovering who you are
and how your particular orgasm works. -
14:01 - 14:02(Applause)
-
14:04 - 14:06That said,
-
14:08 - 14:12the Dalai Lama has said
-
14:15 - 14:18that it will be a Western woman
who changes the world. -
14:18 - 14:20And mind you, I don't know
if you know about this, -
14:20 - 14:23but it's actually
a fairly controversial statement -
14:23 - 14:27because it presumes
that Western women are above other women -
14:27 - 14:31in terms of changing the world.
-
14:31 - 14:34I actually have
a totally different issue with it: -
14:35 - 14:40I think that it will be
turned-on women around the world -
14:40 - 14:42who'll change the world,
-
14:42 - 14:46it will be turned-on women
and those who dare to stroke us -
14:46 - 14:53who'll actually change the world
-
14:54 - 14:59by feeding this desire
for connection that we all have. -
14:59 - 15:00Thank you.
-
15:00 - 15:02(Applause)
- Title:
- Orgasm: the cure for hunger in the Western woman | Nicole Daedone | TEDxSF
- Description:
-
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
Nicole Daedone is a sought-after speaker, author, and educator focusing on the intersection between orgasm, intimacy, and life. She is the founder of OneTaste, a cutting-edge company bringing a new definition of orgasm to women. The practice at the heart of her work is called OM or Orgasmic Meditation. OM uniquely combines the tradition of extended orgasm with Nicole's own interest in Zen Buddhism, mystical Judaism and semantics. Helping to foster a new conversation about orgasm - one that's real, relevant, and intelligent - she has inspired thousands of students to make OM a part of their everyday lives.
Nicole graduated from San Francisco State University with a degree in semantics and gender communication. She went on to found the popular avant garde art gallery 111 Minna Gallery in SoMa before moving on to OneTaste. Nicole is the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (Grand Central/Hachette, May 2011) and has appeared on ABC's Nightline. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Post, the San Francisco Chronicle, and 7x7 Magazine, among others, and her writing has appeared in Tricycle magazine. In his #1 New York Times Bestseller The 4-Hour Body Timothy Ferriss calls the OM practice "required education for every man on the planet." For more about OneTaste and OM, visit http://onetaste.us. Nicole's blog appears at http://nicoledaedone.com.
Raised in Los Gatos, CA, Nicole now lives in San Francisco. - Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:08
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Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Orgasm: the cure for hunger in the Western woman | Nicole Daedone | TEDxSF | |
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Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Orgasm: the cure for hunger in the Western woman | Nicole Daedone | TEDxSF | |
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Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Orgasm: the cure for hunger in the Western woman | Nicole Daedone | TEDxSF | |
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Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Orgasm: the cure for hunger in the Western woman | Nicole Daedone | TEDxSF |
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