The Essence of Friendship Is Equality

#friendship #intimidation #relationships #conversations #communication #fun #humor

Question: I feel like I try too hard to keep my friendship alive. It is affecting me negatively and I feel discouraged and withdraw from the relationship. What should I do?

Answer: They are not required to react in anyway. Your expectations create disappointment. Friendship should be based on equality, not control, and without expectations on how it should be. Then, you will have no issues.

<The Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

(Questioner) I want to thank you
for your helpful Dharma talks.

(Sunim) Sure.

(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with
my friends and talk with them,

there is a lack of reaction,
which brings the mood down.

Then, the conversation gets boring.

I try hard to get along with others,
but the more I try,

the more timid
and withdrawn I get.

Now, instead of going out
to meet people,

I prefer spending time
alone at home.

The more I try to talk with people,
the more intimidated and uncomfortable I feel.

I don't know how to fix this,
or how to shift my perspective.

That's my concern.

(Sunim) Why do you
feel intimidated?

(Questioner) It's just...

When they seem unimpressed by what I say,
I feel like they don't care about me.

I think, "Why bother talking to them?"
And I feel deflated and insignificant.

(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged
depending other's reactions?

(Questioner) Yes.

(Sunim) But they don't have
any obligation to respond.

(Questioner) That's true,
but when I have an intention

but don't get the expected
reaction, then I feel...

(Sunim) Isn't that normal?
(Questioner) Yes, I agree.

(Sunim) If you think that is normal,
you shouldn't feel discouraged.

Rather, it seems you expect,
"If I speak, you should respond."

You feel discouraged
when that expectation isn't met.

Whether to respond or not,
is their choice.

If you don't expect anything,
there's no need to feel discouraged.

Speak your piece
and be done.

They have no obligation
to show any reactions.

If you have to force enthusiasm
from your friends,

they are not true friends.

That is not a good way
to build friendships.

(Questioner) I find myself separated
from the rest of the group

while they're talking
and enjoying themselves.

(Sunim) Why is that
leaving you out?

I have a friend who hardly talks.

Whenever we're together,
he stays quiet but smiles.

He just complies here
and there with a smile.

He gets along with
everyone very well.

You either want to be
a leader in control,

or desire to be the most popular
person in the group.

That is not friendship.

True friends have fun, listen, laugh,
and sympathize with each other.

Why does friendship need so much talking?
Why do you want to talk so much?

Why do you feel the need to
take the lead amongst friends?

(Questioner) It's not so much that,
but, how can I say this...

be the life of the party?

(Sunim) Why should you be
the center of attention?

(Audience Laughter)
(Questioner) That's true.

(Sunim) Being the life of the party is
no different than wanting more control.

The only difference is
you are mixing in some English.

(Audience Laughter) I can tell
even though I don't know English.

You have to let go of that kind of
desire amongst friends.

Should you have to practice or think of
what to say before you meet your friends?

You shouldn't.
If you have nothing to say, stay quiet.

Or you can listen and smile,
or talk if you have anything to say.

If one person mainly
leads the friendship,

or is predominantly popular,
the friendship suffers.

Friendship is about equality.
That's how friends should be.

Does not drinking make you
less of a drinking buddy? Not true.

Friends love you even if you don't drink,
as long as you're buying, right?

(Audience Laughter)
You get that, right?

You can go to
those gatherings anytime,

buy drinks without drinking yourself.
Then, there are no issues.

It is wrong to think that you can't be
friends because you don't drink.

It's just like being friends
with a smoker.

It's now frowned upon, but back then,
a one would carry a pack of cigarettes

to offer and light up for these friends
without smoking yourself.

The questioner has
the wrong mindset.

Friendship should be
based on equality.

The essence of friendship
is equality.

Whether you're a senator
or holding a high position,

flaunting wealth or status to
friends breeds resentment.

Because friendship
is rooted in equality.

So, letting go of such notions
would resolve any issues.

No need to talk. It's unnecessary
to sulk alone in a corner all day.

Simply make eye contact
and stay silent.

Always nodding along and speaking up
if there's something to add.

How easy is that, right?

(Questioner) You're right, thank you.

(Sunim) Sure.
(Audience Applause)

I am hope.