<The Essence of Friendship Is Equality>
(Questioner) I want to thank you for your helpful Dharma talks.
(Sunim) Sure.
(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with my friends and talk with them,
there is a lack of reaction, which brings the mood down.
Then, the conversation gets boring.
I try hard to get along with others, but the more I try,
the more timid and withdrawn I get.
Now, instead of going out to meet people,
I prefer spending time alone at home.
The more I try to talk with people, the more intimidated and uncomfortable I feel.
I don't know how to fix this, or how to shift my perspective.
That's my concern.
(Sunim) Why do you feel intimidated?
(Questioner) It's just...
When they seem unimpressed by what I say, I feel like they don't care about me.
I think, "Why bother talking to them?" And I feel deflated and insignificant.
(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged depending other's reactions?
(Questioner) Yes.
(Sunim) But they don't have any obligation to respond.
(Questioner) That's true, but when I have an intention
but don't get the expected reaction, then I feel...
(Sunim) Isn't that normal? (Questioner) Yes, I agree.
(Sunim) If you think that is normal, you shouldn't feel discouraged.
Rather, it seems you expect, "If I speak, you should respond."
You feel discouraged when that expectation isn't met.
Whether to respond or not, is their choice.
If you don't expect anything, there's no need to feel discouraged.
Speak your piece and be done.
They have no obligation to show any reactions.
If you have to force enthusiasm from your friends,
they are not true friends.
That is not a good way to build friendships.
(Questioner) I find myself separated from the rest of the group
while they're talking and enjoying themselves.
(Sunim) Why is that leaving you out?
I have a friend who hardly talks.
Whenever we're together, he stays quiet but smiles.
He just complies here and there with a smile.
He gets along with everyone very well.
You either want to be a leader in control,
or desire to be the most popular person in the group.
That is not friendship.
True friends have fun, listen, laugh, and sympathize with each other.
Why does friendship need so much talking? Why do you want to talk so much?
Why do you feel the need to take the lead amongst friends?
(Questioner) It's not so much that, but, how can I say this...
be the life of the party?
(Sunim) Why should you be the center of attention?
(Audience Laughter) (Questioner) That's true.
(Sunim) Being the life of the party is no different than wanting more control.
The only difference is you are mixing in some English.
(Audience Laughter) I can tell even though I don't know English.
You have to let go of that kind of desire amongst friends.
Should you have to practice or think of what to say before you meet your friends?
You shouldn't. If you have nothing to say, stay quiet.
Or you can listen and smile, or talk if you have anything to say.
If one person mainly leads the friendship,
or is predominantly popular, the friendship suffers.
Friendship is about equality. That's how friends should be.
Does not drinking make you less of a drinking buddy? Not true.
Friends love you even if you don't drink, as long as you're buying, right?
(Audience Laughter) You get that, right?
You can go to those gatherings anytime,
buy drinks without drinking yourself. Then, there are no issues.
It is wrong to think that you can't be friends because you don't drink.
It's just like being friends with a smoker.
It's now frowned upon, but back then, a one would carry a pack of cigarettes
to offer and light up for these friends without smoking yourself.
The questioner has the wrong mindset.
Friendship should be based on equality.
The essence of friendship is equality.
Whether you're a senator or holding a high position,
flaunting wealth or status to friends breeds resentment.
Because friendship is rooted in equality.
So, letting go of such notions would resolve any issues.
No need to talk. It's unnecessary to sulk alone in a corner all day.
Simply make eye contact and stay silent.
Always nodding along and speaking up if there's something to add.
How easy is that, right?
(Questioner) You're right, thank you.
(Sunim) Sure. (Audience Applause)
I am hope.