Love Someone Who Has Depression? This is What You Need to Know.

In this video I talk about 6 things you need to know about loving someone with Depression - and some meaningful things you can do to help and support them.

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>> Hi everyone.

My name is Julia Christina [phonetic]
and I am a registered clinical counselor

and mental health therapist and counseling
Psychologist and depending on where you are

in the world those all mean the same thing.

And today I'm going to talk about
loving someone who is depressed.

And it's not an easy thing.

And it's not easy to be depressed either.

And a lot of times we try to help our loved
ones who are depressed and we try to be there

for them and do things for them that we
think are helpful but actually aren't.

And it's not our fault because we have good
intentions but there's some things that we need

to know about loving someone who's depressed.

And there's things that we need to know
about what's helpful and what might not be.

And also about, more about sort of what it
is, what's going on when they're depressed

and why they sometimes treat us
the way that they do and kind

of what some of these things can mean.

So the first one that I'm going
to address here is saying things

that we think are helpful but actually aren't.

Things like you just need to get out
of the house, or you just need to look

on the bright side, or you've
got to think positive,

or you just need to get some
fresh air and you'll feel better.

So staying stuff like that to someone

who is depressed doesn't
actually help them feel better.

Because depression is not just a matter
of having a bad day or feeling sad

because depression is a mental
illness and it's not something

that the person can help or just get over.

Saying stuff like that can oftentimes
make them feel even more helpless

because they can't just get over it.

That said, some of the things
that we can say that are helpful

and that are meaningful are I believe in you.

I love you.

I care for you.

I'm here to support you.

I think that, I think that you are strong
and I think that you can get through this.

And being honest and genuine in those
kinds of words of encouragement.

So that's the first one.

The second one is not to offer advice.

And this is kind of a human thing.

This isn't just for when we have a, you
know, when we love someone who's depressed.

But in general most people don't
want to get advice but a lot

of us really like to give advice.

So there's kind of a disconnect
in there somewhere.

So words of advice that come from a
good place again but not super helpful.

Things like you should exercise
more, that helps depression.

You need to go see a doctor or you need to go to
a therapist or you need to eat different foods,

again you know all of these things can
really be helpful with treating depression

and seeing a doctor or a therapist and
sometimes our diet can play a part in it

and our exercise can play a part in it

but telling someone who's depressed what
they should do or what they shouldn't do,

again oftentimes makes them feel bad,
like all of us when someone comes in

and tells us what we should
or shouldn't be doing.

It doesn't feel good and similarly,
even if it's coming from a good place,

when someone who's depressed
is hearing stuff like that,

again it makes them feel kind
of helpless and frustrated.

So what we can say, so all of those
things that I mentioned, they are good

and they can be really helpful with depression
but instead of saying you should do this

or you shouldn't do that,
saying hey, what have you tried?

What kinds of things have you found out about?

What kinds of things have you
learned about that can help

with depression and have you tried any of them?

And then you can say to them also,
I've heard about, or I've read about,

somethings that some people find helpful and are
you interested in hearing what some of them are?

These are the things that I've heard.

And if they say no then be like ok, that's cool.

Now I know you're not interested in hearing.

And I feel like actually
yeah, that might be good.

I'd be curious to hear what
other information is out there.

And then that gives you your end to share
this stuff, not out of advice giving,

but just out of sharing some things that other
people may have found helpful that you've heard

about or read about or learned about.

The third one is sometimes loved ones,

sometimes people who are depressed
have to push their loved ones away.

So sometimes they push us away.

And it's not because they don't love us.

It's because they're feeling overwhelmed.

It's because they're feeling like they don't
want to overwhelm you because they feel

like they don't want to keep
putting their stuff on you

because they feel awful a lot of the time.

So when you're depressed you
feel awful a lot of the time.

And the last thing you want to do
is be bringing that sadness or that,

those yucky depressed feelings,
those down feelings.

The last thing people depressed want to do is be
putting that on their loved ones all the time.

So sometimes they will pull back and kind
of maybe even disappear for a little while,

not answer calls, you know, not go out,
not want to see anyone but again it's not

because they don't care about us,
it's not because they don't love us,

it's because they are feeling like they
don't want to be putting their stuff

on us all the time, they
don't want to be burdening us.

And they feel bad about it
so they just need some space.

So the kinds of, some of the things
that we can do with that is if we notice

that our loved one is pulling back to just
remind them again, I love you, I'm here for you,

if you need some space that's totally fine.

Just so you know I am here for you when you're
ready if you want to talk and let me know

if there's anything that
I can do to support you.

And keep asking.

We've got to keep on them, we've got to keep
reminding them that we're here to support them.

Because depression will tell
them, people don't care about you.

People are going to give up on you.

People are going to leave you.

That's what depression will
tell, those are the lies

that depression will tell
someone who's depressed.

And so that's why we need to be affirming
and reaffirming that we are there for them

and that we do love them
and that we do support them.

The next one, as a loved one of someone
who is depressed, it can be draining,

it can be challenging, it can be upsetting, and
so we need to also be taking care of ourselves.

We need to be able to say this is how I can
support you and this is how I can't support you.

We need to not feel like we have to fix them,
like it's our responsibility because we can't.

We cannot fix depression
in somebody else, we can't.

And we need to be taking
care of ourselves in this

and seeing ourselves as a
support, not as a fixer.

And it's very, very, very different and it's way
less burdensome and it's way less challenging

and it's way less exhausting
to be a support person.

Because you know thinking that we have
to change someone is exhausting in trying

to change someone is exhausting
and it doesn't work.

So then we've exhausted ourselves
and worn ourselves out for nothing.

So just being able to tell our loved
ones, this is how I can support you

or if you can tell me how I can
support you then we can figure

out something that works for both of us.

So setting boundaries and being clear about what
you can or cannot do is a really good thing.

The next one, again it's kind of
around this disappearing thing

that sometimes people who have depression do.

They'd rather just sort of disappear and push
this away or cancel plans at the last minute

or leave an event partway
through or leave early.

And it can be hurtful.

It can feel really personal.

It can feel like oh they don't love
me, that's why they're leaving.

But just so that you know that they are
not leaving because they don't like you.

They are leaving because the depression
has come on them and it's made them feel

like they just have to go, like they
are overwhelmed with the depression

and they can't stay in the situation anymore.

Or if they cancel plans at the last minute it's
because all of a sudden the depression has come

on really strong and they just cannot
fathom going out and being social and having

to put on, you know, a happy face.

So to know that it's not personal.

And again, just if someone does cancel
plans or if they do leave early,

I know it can be really hard,
especially if it's happening a lot.

But to just be able to say ok, I know
you're dealing with something right now.

I'm here for you.

I love you.

I support you.

What can I do?

How can I help?

And those words go so far.

They're so, so, so meaningful, you guys.

You have no idea.

Unless you have an idea and have
used them, then you have an idea.

So the next one here is to not blame yourself.

Really, really important that we don't blame
ourselves for someone else's depression.

We can't make someone depressed and in
the same way we can't make someone better.

We also, if someone is going through depression,
if it's the mental illness of depression,

not just having a bad day, feeling
down and depressed for a day or two,

if it's someone who has major
depressive disorder, we didn't cause it

and we can't blame ourselves and
feel like we're responsible for that.

We can't. We can't cause the
depression in someone else.

We need to not blame ourselves and not kind
of take on and feel that responsibility

because that can also burn us out really
fast and really cause us to be struggling

as we're trying to support someone,
if we're feeling like it's our fault,

like we're overwhelmed with guilt.

So to know that if you have a loved one
who is depressed that it is not your fault.

So those are six things that we went over today.

Join me again for part two that will be coming
out about another list of things that we need

to know and things that we can do
when we love someone who is depressed.

And thanks to you guys for joining