>> Hi everyone.
My name is Julia Christina [phonetic] and I am a registered clinical counselor
and mental health therapist and counseling Psychologist and depending on where you are
in the world those all mean the same thing.
And today I'm going to talk about loving someone who is depressed.
And it's not an easy thing.
And it's not easy to be depressed either.
And a lot of times we try to help our loved ones who are depressed and we try to be there
for them and do things for them that we think are helpful but actually aren't.
And it's not our fault because we have good intentions but there's some things that we need
to know about loving someone who's depressed.
And there's things that we need to know about what's helpful and what might not be.
And also about, more about sort of what it is, what's going on when they're depressed
and why they sometimes treat us the way that they do and kind
of what some of these things can mean.
So the first one that I'm going to address here is saying things
that we think are helpful but actually aren't.
Things like you just need to get out of the house, or you just need to look
on the bright side, or you've got to think positive,
or you just need to get some fresh air and you'll feel better.
So staying stuff like that to someone
who is depressed doesn't actually help them feel better.
Because depression is not just a matter of having a bad day or feeling sad
because depression is a mental illness and it's not something
that the person can help or just get over.
Saying stuff like that can oftentimes make them feel even more helpless
because they can't just get over it.
That said, some of the things that we can say that are helpful
and that are meaningful are I believe in you.
I love you.
I care for you.
I'm here to support you.
I think that, I think that you are strong and I think that you can get through this.
And being honest and genuine in those kinds of words of encouragement.
So that's the first one.
The second one is not to offer advice.
And this is kind of a human thing.
This isn't just for when we have a, you know, when we love someone who's depressed.
But in general most people don't want to get advice but a lot
of us really like to give advice.
So there's kind of a disconnect in there somewhere.
So words of advice that come from a good place again but not super helpful.
Things like you should exercise more, that helps depression.
You need to go see a doctor or you need to go to a therapist or you need to eat different foods,
again you know all of these things can really be helpful with treating depression
and seeing a doctor or a therapist and sometimes our diet can play a part in it
and our exercise can play a part in it
but telling someone who's depressed what they should do or what they shouldn't do,
again oftentimes makes them feel bad, like all of us when someone comes in
and tells us what we should or shouldn't be doing.
It doesn't feel good and similarly, even if it's coming from a good place,
when someone who's depressed is hearing stuff like that,
again it makes them feel kind of helpless and frustrated.
So what we can say, so all of those things that I mentioned, they are good
and they can be really helpful with depression but instead of saying you should do this
or you shouldn't do that, saying hey, what have you tried?
What kinds of things have you found out about?
What kinds of things have you learned about that can help
with depression and have you tried any of them?
And then you can say to them also, I've heard about, or I've read about,
somethings that some people find helpful and are you interested in hearing what some of them are?
These are the things that I've heard.
And if they say no then be like ok, that's cool.
Now I know you're not interested in hearing.
And I feel like actually yeah, that might be good.
I'd be curious to hear what other information is out there.
And then that gives you your end to share this stuff, not out of advice giving,
but just out of sharing some things that other people may have found helpful that you've heard
about or read about or learned about.
The third one is sometimes loved ones,
sometimes people who are depressed have to push their loved ones away.
So sometimes they push us away.
And it's not because they don't love us.
It's because they're feeling overwhelmed.
It's because they're feeling like they don't want to overwhelm you because they feel
like they don't want to keep putting their stuff on you
because they feel awful a lot of the time.
So when you're depressed you feel awful a lot of the time.
And the last thing you want to do is be bringing that sadness or that,
those yucky depressed feelings, those down feelings.
The last thing people depressed want to do is be putting that on their loved ones all the time.
So sometimes they will pull back and kind of maybe even disappear for a little while,
not answer calls, you know, not go out, not want to see anyone but again it's not
because they don't care about us, it's not because they don't love us,
it's because they are feeling like they don't want to be putting their stuff
on us all the time, they don't want to be burdening us.
And they feel bad about it so they just need some space.
So the kinds of, some of the things that we can do with that is if we notice
that our loved one is pulling back to just remind them again, I love you, I'm here for you,
if you need some space that's totally fine.
Just so you know I am here for you when you're ready if you want to talk and let me know
if there's anything that I can do to support you.
And keep asking.
We've got to keep on them, we've got to keep reminding them that we're here to support them.
Because depression will tell them, people don't care about you.
People are going to give up on you.
People are going to leave you.
That's what depression will tell, those are the lies
that depression will tell someone who's depressed.
And so that's why we need to be affirming and reaffirming that we are there for them
and that we do love them and that we do support them.
The next one, as a loved one of someone who is depressed, it can be draining,
it can be challenging, it can be upsetting, and so we need to also be taking care of ourselves.
We need to be able to say this is how I can support you and this is how I can't support you.
We need to not feel like we have to fix them, like it's our responsibility because we can't.
We cannot fix depression in somebody else, we can't.
And we need to be taking care of ourselves in this
and seeing ourselves as a support, not as a fixer.
And it's very, very, very different and it's way less burdensome and it's way less challenging
and it's way less exhausting to be a support person.
Because you know thinking that we have to change someone is exhausting in trying
to change someone is exhausting and it doesn't work.
So then we've exhausted ourselves and worn ourselves out for nothing.
So just being able to tell our loved ones, this is how I can support you
or if you can tell me how I can support you then we can figure
out something that works for both of us.
So setting boundaries and being clear about what you can or cannot do is a really good thing.
The next one, again it's kind of around this disappearing thing
that sometimes people who have depression do.
They'd rather just sort of disappear and push this away or cancel plans at the last minute
or leave an event partway through or leave early.
And it can be hurtful.
It can feel really personal.
It can feel like oh they don't love me, that's why they're leaving.
But just so that you know that they are not leaving because they don't like you.
They are leaving because the depression has come on them and it's made them feel
like they just have to go, like they are overwhelmed with the depression
and they can't stay in the situation anymore.
Or if they cancel plans at the last minute it's because all of a sudden the depression has come
on really strong and they just cannot fathom going out and being social and having
to put on, you know, a happy face.
So to know that it's not personal.
And again, just if someone does cancel plans or if they do leave early,
I know it can be really hard, especially if it's happening a lot.
But to just be able to say ok, I know you're dealing with something right now.
I'm here for you.
I love you.
I support you.
What can I do?
How can I help?
And those words go so far.
They're so, so, so meaningful, you guys.
You have no idea.
Unless you have an idea and have used them, then you have an idea.
So the next one here is to not blame yourself.
Really, really important that we don't blame ourselves for someone else's depression.
We can't make someone depressed and in the same way we can't make someone better.
We also, if someone is going through depression, if it's the mental illness of depression,
not just having a bad day, feeling down and depressed for a day or two,
if it's someone who has major depressive disorder, we didn't cause it
and we can't blame ourselves and feel like we're responsible for that.
We can't. We can't cause the depression in someone else.
We need to not blame ourselves and not kind of take on and feel that responsibility
because that can also burn us out really fast and really cause us to be struggling
as we're trying to support someone, if we're feeling like it's our fault,
like we're overwhelmed with guilt.
So to know that if you have a loved one who is depressed that it is not your fault.
So those are six things that we went over today.
Join me again for part two that will be coming out about another list of things that we need
to know and things that we can do when we love someone who is depressed.
And thanks to you guys for joining