[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.49,0:00:02.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Hi everyone.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.68,0:00:06.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My name is Julia Christina [phonetic]\Nand I am a registered clinical counselor
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.11,0:00:11.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and mental health therapist and counseling\NPsychologist and depending on where you are
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.58,0:00:15.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the world those all mean the same thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.31,0:00:19.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And today I'm going to talk about\Nloving someone who is depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.76,0:00:22.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not an easy thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.11,0:00:25.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not easy to be depressed either.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.81,0:00:33.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And a lot of times we try to help our loved\Nones who are depressed and we try to be there
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.08,0:00:37.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for them and do things for them that we\Nthink are helpful but actually aren't.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.27,0:00:42.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not our fault because we have good\Nintentions but there's some things that we need
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.51,0:00:45.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to know about loving someone who's depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.46,0:00:48.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's things that we need to know\Nabout what's helpful and what might not be.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.97,0:00:54.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And also about, more about sort of what it\Nis, what's going on when they're depressed
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.26,0:00:57.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and why they sometimes treat us\Nthe way that they do and kind
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.56,0:00:59.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of what some of these things can mean.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.53,0:01:05.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the first one that I'm going\Nto address here is saying things
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.76,0:01:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we think are helpful but actually aren't.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.47,0:01:14.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Things like you just need to get out\Nof the house, or you just need to look
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.58,0:01:18.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the bright side, or you've\Ngot to think positive,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.49,0:01:21.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or you just need to get some\Nfresh air and you'll feel better.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.54,0:01:24.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So staying stuff like that to someone
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.45,0:01:27.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who is depressed doesn't\Nactually help them feel better.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.53,0:01:33.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because depression is not just a matter\Nof having a bad day or feeling sad
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.09,0:01:37.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because depression is a mental\Nillness and it's not something
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.92,0:01:40.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the person can help or just get over.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.97,0:01:45.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Saying stuff like that can oftentimes\Nmake them feel even more helpless
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.20,0:01:47.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they can't just get over it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.31,0:01:51.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That said, some of the things\Nthat we can say that are helpful
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.03,0:01:55.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that are meaningful are I believe in you.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.64,0:01:56.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love you.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.59,0:01:57.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I care for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.93,0:02:00.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm here to support you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.78,0:02:08.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that, I think that you are strong\Nand I think that you can get through this.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.66,0:02:13.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And being honest and genuine in those\Nkinds of words of encouragement.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.84,0:02:16.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So that's the first one.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.77,0:02:20.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second one is not to offer advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.18,0:02:22.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is kind of a human thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.52,0:02:25.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This isn't just for when we have a, you\Nknow, when we love someone who's depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.40,0:02:31.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in general most people don't\Nwant to get advice but a lot
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.41,0:02:33.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of us really like to give advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.45,0:02:36.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there's kind of a disconnect\Nin there somewhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.90,0:02:40.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So words of advice that come from a\Ngood place again but not super helpful.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.96,0:02:45.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Things like you should exercise\Nmore, that helps depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.67,0:02:52.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need to go see a doctor or you need to go to\Na therapist or you need to eat different foods,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.90,0:02:59.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,again you know all of these things can\Nreally be helpful with treating depression
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.75,0:03:03.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and seeing a doctor or a therapist and\Nsometimes our diet can play a part in it
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.32,0:03:06.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our exercise can play a part in it
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.66,0:03:11.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but telling someone who's depressed what\Nthey should do or what they shouldn't do,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.22,0:03:17.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,again oftentimes makes them feel bad,\Nlike all of us when someone comes in
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.35,0:03:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and tells us what we should\Nor shouldn't be doing.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.85,0:03:24.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't feel good and similarly,\Neven if it's coming from a good place,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.80,0:03:27.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when someone who's depressed\Nis hearing stuff like that,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.41,0:03:30.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,again it makes them feel kind\Nof helpless and frustrated.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.35,0:03:36.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what we can say, so all of those\Nthings that I mentioned, they are good
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.03,0:03:41.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they can be really helpful with depression\Nbut instead of saying you should do this
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.57,0:03:45.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or you shouldn't do that,\Nsaying hey, what have you tried?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.25,0:03:48.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What kinds of things have you found out about?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.71,0:03:51.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What kinds of things have you\Nlearned about that can help
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.66,0:03:53.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with depression and have you tried any of them?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.06,0:03:58.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then you can say to them also,\NI've heard about, or I've read about,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.79,0:04:04.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somethings that some people find helpful and are\Nyou interested in hearing what some of them are?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.91,0:04:06.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are the things that I've heard.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.31,0:04:08.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if they say no then be like ok, that's cool.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.97,0:04:10.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I know you're not interested in hearing.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.03,0:04:13.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I feel like actually\Nyeah, that might be good.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.52,0:04:16.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd be curious to hear what\Nother information is out there.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.93,0:04:22.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then that gives you your end to share\Nthis stuff, not out of advice giving,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.43,0:04:27.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but just out of sharing some things that other\Npeople may have found helpful that you've heard
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.22,0:04:28.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about or read about or learned about.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.57,0:04:35.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third one is sometimes loved ones,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.06,0:04:39.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometimes people who are depressed\Nhave to push their loved ones away.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.10,0:04:42.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So sometimes they push us away.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.61,0:04:45.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not because they don't love us.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.73,0:04:48.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's because they're feeling overwhelmed.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.59,0:04:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's because they're feeling like they don't\Nwant to overwhelm you because they feel
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.80,0:04:57.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like they don't want to keep\Nputting their stuff on you
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.72,0:05:00.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they feel awful a lot of the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.06,0:05:03.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when you're depressed you\Nfeel awful a lot of the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.01,0:05:12.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the last thing you want to do\Nis be bringing that sadness or that,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.76,0:05:17.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those yucky depressed feelings,\Nthose down feelings.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.39,0:05:21.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The last thing people depressed want to do is be\Nputting that on their loved ones all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.69,0:05:27.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So sometimes they will pull back and kind\Nof maybe even disappear for a little while,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.34,0:05:34.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not answer calls, you know, not go out,\Nnot want to see anyone but again it's not
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.26,0:05:37.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they don't care about us,\Nit's not because they don't love us,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.51,0:05:41.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's because they are feeling like they\Ndon't want to be putting their stuff
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.42,0:05:43.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on us all the time, they\Ndon't want to be burdening us.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.96,0:05:46.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they feel bad about it\Nso they just need some space.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.96,0:05:52.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the kinds of, some of the things\Nthat we can do with that is if we notice
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.11,0:05:57.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that our loved one is pulling back to just\Nremind them again, I love you, I'm here for you,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.09,0:06:01.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you need some space that's totally fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.46,0:06:06.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just so you know I am here for you when you're\Nready if you want to talk and let me know
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.28,0:06:08.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if there's anything that\NI can do to support you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.27,0:06:09.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And keep asking.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.09,0:06:12.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've got to keep on them, we've got to keep\Nreminding them that we're here to support them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.20,0:06:16.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because depression will tell\Nthem, people don't care about you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.81,0:06:18.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People are going to give up on you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.38,0:06:19.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People are going to leave you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.36,0:06:22.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what depression will\Ntell, those are the lies
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.71,0:06:24.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that depression will tell\Nsomeone who's depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.27,0:06:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so that's why we need to be affirming\Nand reaffirming that we are there for them
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.43,0:06:31.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that we do love them\Nand that we do support them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.53,0:06:41.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The next one, as a loved one of someone\Nwho is depressed, it can be draining,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.87,0:06:49.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it can be challenging, it can be upsetting, and\Nso we need to also be taking care of ourselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.99,0:06:55.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to be able to say this is how I can\Nsupport you and this is how I can't support you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.71,0:07:01.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to not feel like we have to fix them,\Nlike it's our responsibility because we can't.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.99,0:07:06.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We cannot fix depression\Nin somebody else, we can't.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.14,0:07:10.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we need to be taking\Ncare of ourselves in this
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.09,0:07:14.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and seeing ourselves as a\Nsupport, not as a fixer.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.71,0:07:21.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's very, very, very different and it's way\Nless burdensome and it's way less challenging
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.85,0:07:24.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's way less exhausting\Nto be a support person.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.34,0:07:29.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because you know thinking that we have\Nto change someone is exhausting in trying
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.21,0:07:32.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to change someone is exhausting\Nand it doesn't work.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.11,0:07:36.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So then we've exhausted ourselves\Nand worn ourselves out for nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.89,0:07:42.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So just being able to tell our loved\Nones, this is how I can support you
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.29,0:07:45.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or if you can tell me how I can\Nsupport you then we can figure
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.60,0:07:48.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out something that works for both of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.52,0:07:54.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So setting boundaries and being clear about what\Nyou can or cannot do is a really good thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.58,0:08:01.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The next one, again it's kind of\Naround this disappearing thing
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.69,0:08:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that sometimes people who have depression do.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.49,0:08:10.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'd rather just sort of disappear and push\Nthis away or cancel plans at the last minute
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.27,0:08:13.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or leave an event partway\Nthrough or leave early.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.58,0:08:14.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it can be hurtful.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.57,0:08:15.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It can feel really personal.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.70,0:08:17.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It can feel like oh they don't love\Nme, that's why they're leaving.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.49,0:08:24.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But just so that you know that they are\Nnot leaving because they don't like you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.01,0:08:30.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are leaving because the depression\Nhas come on them and it's made them feel
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.86,0:08:34.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like they just have to go, like they\Nare overwhelmed with the depression
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.100,0:08:37.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they can't stay in the situation anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.07,0:08:43.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or if they cancel plans at the last minute it's\Nbecause all of a sudden the depression has come
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.70,0:08:48.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on really strong and they just cannot\Nfathom going out and being social and having
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.51,0:08:50.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to put on, you know, a happy face.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.82,0:08:52.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to know that it's not personal.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.29,0:08:57.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And again, just if someone does cancel\Nplans or if they do leave early,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.21,0:08:59.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know it can be really hard,\Nespecially if it's happening a lot.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.09,0:09:03.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But to just be able to say ok, I know\Nyou're dealing with something right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.90,0:09:04.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm here for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.11,0:09:05.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.04,0:09:07.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I support you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.01,0:09:08.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What can I do?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.81,0:09:09.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How can I help?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.10,0:09:12.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And those words go so far.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.90,0:09:15.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're so, so, so meaningful, you guys.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.14,0:09:16.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have no idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.95,0:09:23.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unless you have an idea and have\Nused them, then you have an idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.62,0:09:30.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the next one here is to not blame yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.25,0:09:37.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, really important that we don't blame\Nourselves for someone else's depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.63,0:09:45.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can't make someone depressed and in\Nthe same way we can't make someone better.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.33,0:09:50.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We also, if someone is going through depression,\Nif it's the mental illness of depression,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.55,0:09:53.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not just having a bad day, feeling\Ndown and depressed for a day or two,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.14,0:09:59.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if it's someone who has major\Ndepressive disorder, we didn't cause it
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.70,0:10:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we can't blame ourselves and\Nfeel like we're responsible for that.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.68,0:10:11.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can't. We can't cause the\Ndepression in someone else.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.08,0:10:15.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to not blame ourselves and not kind\Nof take on and feel that responsibility
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.25,0:10:22.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because that can also burn us out really\Nfast and really cause us to be struggling
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.59,0:10:25.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as we're trying to support someone,\Nif we're feeling like it's our fault,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.33,0:10:27.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like we're overwhelmed with guilt.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.95,0:10:32.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So to know that if you have a loved one\Nwho is depressed that it is not your fault.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.21,0:10:36.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So those are six things that we went over today.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.26,0:10:43.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Join me again for part two that will be coming\Nout about another list of things that we need
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.27,0:10:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to know and things that we can do\Nwhen we love someone who is depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.24,0:10:49.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And thanks to you guys for joining