French-style education | Pamela Druckerman | TEDxParis

Other countries, other expressions, and another style of education. Pamela Druckerman, American journalist and writer, traveled the world before definitively settling in Paris in 2004. Now a mother and recognized writer, she reconciles cultural differences in children's education.

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

There are Americans

who dream of living in Paris
their whole lives.

I was not one of them.

I grew up in Miami

and I was always fascinated
by Latin America.

But in 2002, I was working
as a journalist in Argentina

and I met an English journalist
in a bar in Buenos Aires,

who had just bought
a tiny apartment in Paris.

Six months later, I was laid off
from my newspaper,

along with two hundred others,

and all of the American media

was in the process
of doing similar layoffs.

So, I soon found myself in Paris,
working as a freelance journalist

and living in 35 square meters
with an English man I barely knew.

At first, I couldn't figure out
where I fit into Paris.

In the United States,
you can customize everything.

I would like the chicken
but without cream, please,

and a salad,
but with the dressing on the side,

and then a coffee but with skim milk.

In Paris, you can't customize anything.

There was only one type
of milk used for coffee.

But I stayed in Paris,
and with my Englishman.

We got married and had a child,
and then two more.

And honestly, it was because of that

that I started to appreciate
the French culture

in relation to how you're raising
your children.

Okay, I know that you think
that France has been cursed

with a plague of spoiled brats.

But with all respect,

you don't know anything
about spoiled children.

In the United States, everything
a parent does is intended to protect,

but above all, to stimulate
their children.

This American tendency is not new.

In the 60s, the psychologist
Jean-Pierre Geay toured the United States.

And in each city he asked what he called
"The American Question":

"How can we speed up the stages
of our children's development?"

For 30 years, with the gap growing
between the rich and the poor in the US,

this tendency to say,

"The sooner, the better",

has accelerated in the United States.

We are all in some giant race
that starts in the cradle.

Today there are American children

who often have an extracurricular
activity every day of the week.

To deal with all of that, American moms
are becoming mommy-taxis,

and the whole family is organized
around a giant whiteboard,

color coordinated, like in a business.

A sociologist called this phenomenon
"the frenetic family".

You can image the impact
on American parents.

Satisfaction in couples has dropped
for the last twenty years.

Now non-parents are happier than parents,

and parents become less happy
with each new birth.

A study in Los Angeles concluded

that parents are no longer
authority figures;

they have become valets
for their children.

One person who participated in this study,

who conducted the study itself,
described the experience as

"the best contraception never invented."
(Laughter)

But yet, and yet, this intensive education
continues in the United States,

because we're afraid that,
if we don't do it,

we will penalize our children
in how they compare to others,

and we will lose this giant race.

I myself would have raised
my kids in the American style,

if I hadn't had them in France.

But having been surrounded
by French parents,

having educated my children in France,

I've discovered a completely different
and unique education style.

This interested me so much

that I conducted a three-year
study on the subject.

Okay, of course I'm generalizing.

It's not that all French parents
do the same thing.

But there are certain basic principles

that come generally
from French conventional wisdom.

Little by little, I came across,
I heard certain expressions,

of which I will share with you
8 of my favorites.

"Hello".

In the United States,
a child that comes to my home

is under no obligation to tell me,
"Hello," to greet me.

In Paris, "Hello" is a kind
of obsession for parents.

(Laughter)

I have a friend who told me
that when she has guests over,

her daughter must come say
"Hello," and if not,

she has to stay in her room
for the rest of the night.

Saying "Hello", is a way to show
that a child is well-raised,

of course, it's part of the social code,

but it's also helps them to learn
that they're not alone in the world,

it's the first step toward empathy.

"Wait".
(Laughter)

At the grocery store, in school, at home,
I have heard the word "wait" a lot,

and it's true that French children
wait a lot.

(Laughter)

They wait for their turn,
for their meal to eat.

They are not supposed to interrupt adults;
they must wait for their turn to talk.

I like to believe that my children
were either born patient or not

as if it were a personality trait,

but French parents consider patience

like a kind of muscle that becomes
stronger with practice.

(Laughter)

"Wise".

In English, we say "Be good."

In French, you say "Be wise."

"Good" implies good behavior,

but this could also be the behavior
of a wild animal.

"Wise" implies that the child has
a certain understanding of the situation,

and that we trust him.

Françoise Dolto, who is almost unknown
in the United States, to English speakers,

said that even babies are rational.

And I've seen French mothers in France

who have taught their toddlers
how to behave at the table

and how to behave in public.

And to my great astonishment,
these little children listened.

"You have to try it".
(Laughter)

I don't know if you have ever seen
a menu in a French daycare,

it's like a menu in a restaurant.

There are four dishes, including
a different cheese every day.

I have been present during these meals
for my research, and I can confirm

that these little French children
eat endive purée and blue cheese,

and then discuss the flavors
with one another.

(Laughter)

Of course there are
difficult French children,

but you are far away
from our world of chicken nuggets

and pizza as the only
things children will eat.

At home, parents apply
some principles of good sense.

First, no one snacks between meals,

that way, the child comes
to the table hungry.

Secondly, parents serve
the vegetables first,

so the first thing the hungry child
encounters is grated carrots.

And thirdly, it's very simple,
but for me it's like magic,

they must try everything,
because it's by trying new foods

that you learn to like them,
even for adults.

"Balance".

In the United States,
I know parents of six-year-olds

that have never spent a night
away from their children.

In France, I know parents who spend
one weekend a month by themselves.

Here, the couple is seen
as the foundation of the family.

A magazine said that if your libido
hasn't returned

by 4 to 6 months after childbirth,
you should seek professional help.

I know that moms, especially
French mothers, are very busy.

They try to balance their lives
as wives, moms, workers, friends.

But they do not value,
like they do in the United States,

this complete motherhood.

Here in France, balance is the ideal.

No one part of life is supposed
to take priority over the others.

"Autonomy".

Like us, you tell your children,
"Good job," but a bit less.

You understand that self-confidence comes

when children do things well,
on their own, and for themselves.

In France, children are responsible
from a much earlier age than Americans,

for things like loading the dishwasher,
or helping with preparing meals.

Here, the ideal is a framework
of firm limits,

but on the inside, complete freedom.

"It's my decision."

I say this in French normally
because it's stronger.

I have a neighbor
who spent a whole afternoon

teaching me to say "no" to my son
in a convincing manner.

"No. No!"

He got out of the sandbox
every 5 minutes, and I ran after him.

I was screaming, he was crying.

Like many American parents,
I was afraid to say "no" to my child.

I thought that it would traumatize him.

My neighbor told me,

"You have to believe that you have the
right to tell him 'no.'"

And in fact, after I said "no"
in a convincing manner, with conviction,

he calmed down, he played by himself.

For the first time,
we had a quiet day in the sun.

This one's my favorite: "Poop sausage."

My daughter came home from daycare
one day, and said "poop sausage."

My husband and I looked at her, perplexed.

What does that mean, "poop sausage?"

We understood that it was a dirty word
just for toddlers.

We didn't know whether
it should be laughed at or forbidden.

Finally, we understood
that saying "poop sausage"

is naughty, but only a little naughty.

And that's exactly what makes it fun.

Children have so many rules and limits,

that sometimes they have
to say "poop sausage."

We can say it together: "poop sausage."
(Laughter)

All of these little words and phrases
contribute to creating

another way to envision parental roles.

Rather than protecting children
from every little frustration,

you try to expose them to it a little;
you teach them to face it.

You are very involved parents,
but you let children live their own lives.

At least when you have a spoiled child,
you consider it a problem.

I think that you have found
an excellent balance

between the old methods
and modern psychology.

My proof is that the things
that you do intuitively

are confirmed by current scientific data.

For example, make him wait a little,
and the baby will sleep through the night.

It is pointless to teach
a toddler how to read.

She needs much more to learn
social skills, and just to play.

And too much praise leaves
children less confident.

Believe me, it's an advantage
not to be a society

that's always looking for
"the next big thing."

In France, you are pragmatic,
and you stick to what works.

But I know that I'm taking to Parisians,
and that you're suspicious of compliments.

I've seen that, if your children
get 20 out of 20 on a test in school,

you think something
is wrong with the teacher.

And I can reassure you:
you are not perfect.

You have the lowest percentage
of breastfeeding in all of western Europe.

I have the impression that unfortunately,

your schools instill more fear
than confidence in students.

And, personally, I prefer

American children's books,
with their happy endings.

I know that you think
our American optimism is a little naive,

but that's what allows us to create
enterprises, and win Nobel prizes.

(Applause)

Thank you.

But we can also learn from you.

And the greatest lesson I've learned
from French parents

is that it is not just the result
of education that matters.

The experience from spending 18 years
together as a family,

that matters as well.

It's now been almost 10 years
since I moved to Paris, and I can say

that I have not been entirely converted.

I still find Paris
a little formal and distant,

but at least you now have Starbucks,
so I can have skimmed milk in my coffee.

And sometimes my husband complains

that I've become more French
than the French.

Perhaps I should leave Paris while I can.

I doubt I'll spend my whole life here.

But thanks to French parenthood,
I've found my place here a little bit.

And for that, I would like to tell you
that magic word, "thank you."

(Applause)