WEBVTT

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There are Americans

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who dream of living in Paris
their whole lives.

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I was not one of them.

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I grew up in Miami

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and I was always fascinated
by Latin America.

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But in 2002, I was working
as a journalist in Argentina

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and I met an English journalist
in a bar in Buenos Aires,

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who had just bought
a tiny apartment in Paris.

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Six months later, I was laid off
from my newspaper,

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along with two hundred others,

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and all of the American media

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was in the process
of doing similar layoffs.

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So, I soon found myself in Paris,
working as a freelance journalist

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and living in 35 square meters
with an English man I barely knew.

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At first, I couldn't figure out
where I fit into Paris.

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In the United States,
you can customize everything.

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I would like the chicken
but without cream, please,

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and a salad,
but with the dressing on the side,

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and then a coffee but with skim milk.

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In Paris, you can't customize anything.

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There was only one type
of milk used for coffee.

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But I stayed in Paris,
and with my Englishman.

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We got married and had a child,
and then two more.

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And honestly, it was because of that

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that I started to appreciate
the French culture

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in relation to how you're raising
your children.

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Okay, I know that you think
that France has been cursed

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with a plague of spoiled brats.

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But with all respect,

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you don't know anything
about spoiled children.

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In the United States, everything
a parent does is intended to protect,

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but above all, to stimulate
their children.

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This American tendency is not new.

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In the 60s, the psychologist
Jean-Pierre Geay toured the United States.

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And in each city he asked what he called
"The American Question":

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"How can we speed up the stages
of our children's development?"

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For 30 years, with the gap growing
between the rich and the poor in the US,

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this tendency to say,

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"The sooner, the better",

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has accelerated in the United States.

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We are all in some giant race
that starts in the cradle.

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Today there are American children

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who often have an extracurricular
activity every day of the week.

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To deal with all of that, American moms
are becoming mommy-taxis,

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and the whole family is organized
around a giant whiteboard,

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color coordinated, like in a business.

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A sociologist called this phenomenon
"the frenetic family".

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You can image the impact
on American parents.

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Satisfaction in couples has dropped
for the last twenty years.

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Now non-parents are happier than parents,

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and parents become less happy
with each new birth.

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A study in Los Angeles concluded

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that parents are no longer
authority figures;

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they have become valets
for their children.

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One person who participated in this study,

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who conducted the study itself,
described the experience as

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"the best contraception never invented."
(Laughter)

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But yet, and yet, this intensive education
continues in the United States,

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because we're afraid that,
if we don't do it,

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we will penalize our children
in how they compare to others,

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and we will lose this giant race.

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I myself would have raised
my kids in the American style,

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if I hadn't had them in France.

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But having been surrounded
by French parents,

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having educated my children in France,


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I've discovered a completely different
and unique education style.

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This interested me so much

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that I conducted a three-year
study on the subject.

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Okay, of course I'm generalizing.

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It's not that all French parents
do the same thing.

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But there are certain basic principles

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that come generally
from French conventional wisdom.

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Little by little, I came across,
I heard certain expressions,

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of which I will share with you
8 of my favorites.

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"Hello".

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In the United States,
a child that comes to my home

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is under no obligation to tell me,
"Hello," to greet me.

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In Paris, "Hello" is a kind
of obsession for parents.

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(Laughter)

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I have a friend who told me
that when she has guests over,

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her daughter must come say
"Hello," and if not,

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she has to stay in her room
for the rest of the night.

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Saying "Hello", is a way to show
that a child is well-raised,

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of course, it's part of the social code,

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but it's also helps them to learn
that they're not alone in the world,

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it's the first step toward empathy.

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"Wait".
(Laughter)

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At the grocery store, in school, at home,
I have heard the word "wait" a lot,

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and it's true that French children
wait a lot.

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(Laughter)

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They wait for their turn,
for their meal to eat.

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They are not supposed to interrupt adults;
they must wait for their turn to talk.

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I like to believe that my children
were either born patient or not

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as if it were a personality trait,

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but French parents consider patience

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like a kind of muscle that becomes
stronger with practice.

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(Laughter)

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"Wise".

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In English, we say "Be good."

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In French, you say "Be wise."

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"Good" implies good behavior,

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but this could also be the behavior
of a wild animal.

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"Wise" implies that the child has
a certain understanding of the situation,

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and that we trust him.

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Françoise Dolto, who is almost unknown
in the United States, to English speakers,

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said that even babies are rational.

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And I've seen French mothers in France

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who have taught their toddlers
how to behave at the table

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and how to behave in public.

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And to my great astonishment,
these little children listened.

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"You have to try it".
(Laughter)

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I don't know if you have ever seen
a menu in a French daycare,

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it's like a menu in a restaurant.

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There are four dishes, including
a different cheese every day.

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I have been present during these meals
for my research, and I can confirm

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that these little French children
eat endive purée and blue cheese,

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and then discuss the flavors
with one another.

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(Laughter)

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Of course there are
difficult French children,

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but you are far away
from our world of chicken nuggets

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and pizza as the only
things children will eat.

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At home, parents apply
some principles of good sense.

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First, no one snacks between meals,


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that way, the child comes
to the table hungry.

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Secondly, parents serve
the vegetables first,

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so the first thing the hungry child
encounters is grated carrots.

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And thirdly, it's very simple,
but for me it's like magic,

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they must try everything,
because it's by trying new foods

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that you learn to like them,
even for adults.

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"Balance".

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In the United States,
I know parents of six-year-olds

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that have never spent a night
away from their children.

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In France, I know parents who spend
one weekend a month by themselves.

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Here, the couple is seen
as the foundation of the family.

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A magazine said that if your libido
hasn't returned

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by 4 to 6 months after childbirth,
you should seek professional help.

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I know that moms, especially
French mothers, are very busy.

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They try to balance their lives
as wives, moms, workers, friends.

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But they do not value,
like they do in the United States,

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this complete motherhood.

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Here in France, balance is the ideal.

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No one part of life is supposed
to take priority over the others.

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"Autonomy".

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Like us, you tell your children,
"Good job," but a bit less.

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You understand that self-confidence comes

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when children do things well,
on their own, and for themselves.

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In France, children are responsible
from a much earlier age than Americans,

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for things like loading the dishwasher,
or helping with preparing meals.

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Here, the ideal is a framework
of firm limits,

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but on the inside, complete freedom.

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"It's my decision."

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I say this in French normally
because it's stronger.

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I have a neighbor
who spent a whole afternoon

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teaching me to say "no" to my son
in a convincing manner.

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"No. No!"

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He got out of the sandbox
every 5 minutes, and I ran after him.

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I was screaming, he was crying.

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Like many American parents,
I was afraid to say "no" to my child.

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I thought that it would traumatize him.

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My neighbor told me,

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"You have to believe that you have the
right to tell him 'no.'"

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And in fact, after I said "no"
in a convincing manner, with conviction,

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he calmed down, he played by himself.

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For the first time,
we had a quiet day in the sun.

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This one's my favorite: "Poop sausage."

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My daughter came home from daycare
one day, and said "poop sausage."

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My husband and I looked at her, perplexed.

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What does that mean, "poop sausage?"

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We understood that it was a dirty word
just for toddlers.

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We didn't know whether
it should be laughed at or forbidden.

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Finally, we understood
that saying "poop sausage"

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is naughty, but only a little naughty.

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And that's exactly what makes it fun.

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Children have so many rules and limits,

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that sometimes they have
to say "poop sausage."

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We can say it together: "poop sausage."
(Laughter)

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All of these little words and phrases
contribute to creating

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another way to envision parental roles.

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Rather than protecting children
from every little frustration,

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you try to expose them to it a little;
you teach them to face it.

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You are very involved parents,
but you let children live their own lives.

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At least when you have a spoiled child,
you consider it a problem.

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I think that you have found
an excellent balance

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between the old methods
and modern psychology.

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My proof is that the things
that you do intuitively

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are confirmed by current scientific data.

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For example, make him wait a little,
and the baby will sleep through the night.

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It is pointless to teach
a toddler how to read.

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She needs much more to learn
social skills, and just to play.

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And too much praise leaves
children less confident.

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Believe me, it's an advantage
not to be a society

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that's always looking for
"the next big thing."

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In France, you are pragmatic,
and you stick to what works.

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But I know that I'm taking to Parisians,
and that you're suspicious of compliments.

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I've seen that, if your children
get 20 out of 20 on a test in school,

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you think something
is wrong with the teacher.

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And I can reassure you:
you are not perfect.

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You have the lowest percentage
of breastfeeding in all of western Europe.

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I have the impression that unfortunately,

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your schools instill more fear
than confidence in students.

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And, personally, I prefer

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American children's books,
with their happy endings.

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I know that you think
our American optimism is a little naive,

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but that's what allows us to create
enterprises, and win Nobel prizes.

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(Applause)

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Thank you.

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But we can also learn from you.

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And the greatest lesson I've learned
from French parents

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is that it is not just the result
of education that matters.

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The experience from spending 18 years
together as a family,

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that matters as well.

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It's now been almost 10 years
since I moved to Paris, and I can say

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that I have not been entirely converted.

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I still find Paris
a little formal and distant,

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but at least you now have Starbucks,
so I can have skimmed milk in my coffee.

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And sometimes my husband complains

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that I've become more French
than the French.

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Perhaps I should leave Paris while I can.

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I doubt I'll spend my whole life here.

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But thanks to French parenthood,
I've found my place here a little bit.

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And for that, I would like to tell you
that magic word, "thank you."

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(Applause)