How I unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity
-
0:02 - 0:04Big boys don't cry.
-
0:05 - 0:06Suck it up.
-
0:08 - 0:09Shut up and rub some dirt on it.
-
0:10 - 0:13Stop crying before I give you
something to cry about. -
0:14 - 0:16These are just a few of the phrases
-
0:16 - 0:19that contribute
to a disease in our society, -
0:19 - 0:21and more specifically, in our men.
-
0:23 - 0:27It's a disease that has come
to be known as "toxic masculinity." -
0:28 - 0:31It's one I suffered a chronic case of,
-
0:31 - 0:35so much so that I spent 24 years
of a life sentence in prison -
0:35 - 0:38for kidnapping, robbery,
and attempted murder. -
0:40 - 0:44Yet I'm here to tell you today
that there's a solution for this epidemic. -
0:45 - 0:50I know for a fact the solution works,
because I was a part of human trials. -
0:51 - 0:54The solution is a mixture of elements.
-
0:54 - 0:58It begins with the willingness
to look at your belief system -
0:58 - 1:00and how out of alignment it is
-
1:00 - 1:04and how your actions
negatively impact not just yourself, -
1:04 - 1:05but the people around you.
-
1:06 - 1:10The next ingredient is the willingness
to be vulnerable with people -
1:12 - 1:15who would not just support you,
but hold you accountable. -
1:17 - 1:18But before I tell you about this,
-
1:19 - 1:22I need to let you know
that in order to share this, -
1:23 - 1:25I have to bare my soul in full.
-
1:26 - 1:28And as I stand here,
-
1:28 - 1:30with so many eyes fixed on me,
-
1:31 - 1:34I feel raw and naked.
-
1:36 - 1:38When this feeling is present,
-
1:38 - 1:42I'm confident that the next phase
of healing is on the horizon, -
1:43 - 1:46and that allows me
to share my story in full. -
1:47 - 1:52For all appearances' sake,
I was born into the ideal family dynamic: -
1:53 - 1:55mother, father, sister, brother.
-
1:56 - 2:01Bertha, Eldra Jr., Taydama and Eldra III.
-
2:01 - 2:02That's me.
-
2:03 - 2:06My father was a Vietnam veteran
who earned a Purple Heart -
2:06 - 2:10and made it home to find love,
marry, and begin his own brood. -
2:11 - 2:15So how did I wind up serving life
in the California prison system? -
2:16 - 2:17Keeping secrets,
-
2:19 - 2:21believing the mantra
that big boys don't cry, -
2:23 - 2:27not knowing how to display any emotion
confidently other than anger, -
2:29 - 2:31participating in athletics
-
2:31 - 2:34and learning that the greater
the performance on the field, -
2:34 - 2:36the less the need to worry
about the rules off it. -
2:36 - 2:39It's hard to pin down
any one specific ingredient -
2:39 - 2:42of the many symptoms that ailed me.
-
2:44 - 2:48Growing up as a young black male
in Sacramento, California in the 1980s, -
2:48 - 2:51there were two groups
I identified as having respect: -
2:52 - 2:54athletes and gangsters.
-
2:55 - 2:57I excelled in sports,
-
2:58 - 3:03that is until a friend and I chose to take
his mom's car for a joyride and wreck it. -
3:05 - 3:08With my parents having to split
the cost of a totaled vehicle, -
3:09 - 3:13I was relegated to a summer
of household chores and no sports. -
3:15 - 3:17No sports meant no respect.
-
3:19 - 3:21No respect equaled no power.
-
3:22 - 3:25Power was vital to feed my illness.
-
3:26 - 3:32It was at that point the decision
to transition from athlete to gangster -
3:32 - 3:35was made and done so easily.
-
3:36 - 3:40Early life experiences had set the stage
for me to be well-suited -
3:42 - 3:44to objectify others,
-
3:46 - 3:48act in a socially detached manner,
-
3:48 - 3:52and above all else, seek to be viewed
as in a position of power. -
3:54 - 3:55A sense of power
-
3:55 - 3:58(Sighs)
-
3:59 - 4:02equaled strength in my environment,
-
4:02 - 4:04but more importantly,
it did so in my mind. -
4:05 - 4:07My mind dictated my choices.
-
4:08 - 4:12My subsequent choices put me
on the fast track to prison life. -
4:13 - 4:16And even once in prison,
I continued my history -
4:16 - 4:18of running over the rights of others,
-
4:20 - 4:24even knowing that that
was the place that I would die. -
4:24 - 4:27Once again, I wound up
in solitary confinement -
4:28 - 4:31for stabbing another prisoner
nearly 30 times. -
4:32 - 4:36I'd gotten to a place where I didn't care
how I lived or if I died. -
4:38 - 4:39But then, things changed.
-
4:40 - 4:43One of the best things
that happened in my life to that point -
4:43 - 4:45was being sent to New Folsom Prison.
-
4:46 - 4:50Once there, I was approached
to join a group called Inside Circle. -
4:52 - 4:56Initially, I was hesitant to join a group
referred to around the yard -
4:56 - 4:57as "hug-a-thug."
-
4:57 - 5:01(Laughter)
-
5:01 - 5:05Initially, yeah, that was a little much,
-
5:05 - 5:08but eventually, I overcame my hesitancy.
-
5:09 - 5:15As it turned out, the circle was
the vision of a man named Patrick Nolan, -
5:15 - 5:16who was also serving life
-
5:16 - 5:21and who had grown sick and tired
of being sick and tired -
5:21 - 5:23of watching us kill one another
-
5:24 - 5:25over skin color,
-
5:26 - 5:27rag color,
-
5:29 - 5:32being from Northern
or Southern California, -
5:33 - 5:36or just plain breathing
in the wrong direction on a windy day. -
5:37 - 5:40Circle time is men sitting with men
-
5:40 - 5:42and cutting through the bullshit,
-
5:43 - 5:46challenging structural ways of thinking.
-
5:46 - 5:48I think the way that I think
-
5:48 - 5:50and I act the way that I act
-
5:51 - 5:53because I hadn't questioned that.
-
5:54 - 5:57Like, who said I should see a woman
walking down the street, -
5:59 - 6:01turn around and check out her backside?
-
6:02 - 6:03Where did that come from?
-
6:04 - 6:07If I don't question that,
I'll just go along with the crowd. -
6:10 - 6:11The locker-room talk.
-
6:12 - 6:15In circle, we sit
and we question these things. -
6:15 - 6:17Why do I think the way that I think?
-
6:17 - 6:18Why do I act the way that I act?
-
6:19 - 6:22Because when I get down to it,
I'm not thinking, -
6:22 - 6:24I'm not being an individual,
-
6:24 - 6:27I'm not taking responsibility for who I am
-
6:27 - 6:29and what it is I put into this world.
-
6:30 - 6:33It was in a circle session
that my life took a turn. -
6:33 - 6:36I remember being asked who I was,
-
6:36 - 6:37and I didn't have an answer,
-
6:38 - 6:40at least not one that felt honest
-
6:40 - 6:43in a room full of men
who were seeking truth. -
6:43 - 6:45It would have been easy to say,
-
6:45 - 6:46"I'm a Blood,"
-
6:46 - 6:49or, "My name is Vegas,"
-
6:49 - 6:53or any number of facades
I had manufactured to hide behind. -
6:54 - 6:58It was in that moment and in that venue
that the jig was up. -
6:59 - 7:02I realized that as sharp
as I believed I was, -
7:02 - 7:04I didn't even know who I was
-
7:04 - 7:06or why I acted the way that I acted.
-
7:09 - 7:13I couldn't stand in a room full of men
who were seeking to serve and support -
7:13 - 7:15and present an authentic me.
-
7:18 - 7:21It was in that moment
that I graduated to a place within -
7:21 - 7:23that was ready for transformation.
-
7:24 - 7:26For decades,
-
7:26 - 7:30I kept being the victim of molestation
at the hands of a babysitter a secret. -
7:31 - 7:35I submitted to this under the threat
of my younger sister being harmed. -
7:35 - 7:37I was seven, she was three.
-
7:38 - 7:41I believed it was my responsibility
to keep her safe. -
7:45 - 7:47It was in that instant
-
7:47 - 7:51that the seeds were sown
for a long career of hurting others, -
7:51 - 7:54be it physical, mental or emotional.
-
7:56 - 7:59I developed, in that instant,
-
8:00 - 8:01at seven years old,
-
8:01 - 8:03the belief that going forward in life,
-
8:03 - 8:08if a situation presented itself
where someone was going to get hurt, -
8:08 - 8:10I would be the one doing the hurting.
-
8:11 - 8:15I also formulated the belief
that loving put me in harm's way. -
8:16 - 8:20I also learned that caring
about another person made me weak. -
8:21 - 8:24So not caring, that must equal strength.
-
8:26 - 8:29The greatest way to mask
a shaky sense of self -
8:29 - 8:31is to hide behind a false air of respect.
-
8:32 - 8:35Sitting in circle
resembles sitting in a fire. -
8:36 - 8:38It is a crucible that can and does break.
-
8:41 - 8:43It broke my old sense of self,
-
8:44 - 8:47diseased value system
-
8:47 - 8:49and way of looking at others.
-
8:50 - 8:55My old stale modes of thinking
were invited into the open -
8:55 - 8:57to see if this
is who I wanted to be in life. -
8:58 - 9:01I was accompanied by skilled facilitators
-
9:01 - 9:03on a journey into the depths of myself
-
9:03 - 9:08to find those wounded parts
that not only festered -
9:08 - 9:11but seeped out to create
unsafe space for others. -
9:14 - 9:17At times, it resembled an exorcism,
-
9:17 - 9:19and in essence, it was.
-
9:19 - 9:23There was an extraction
of old, diseased ways of thinking, -
9:23 - 9:26being and reacting
-
9:26 - 9:28and an infusion of purpose.
-
9:29 - 9:31Sitting in those circles saved my life.
-
9:33 - 9:37I stand here today as a testament
to the fact of the power of the work. -
9:41 - 9:44I was paroled in June 2014,
-
9:44 - 9:48following my third hearing before a panel
of former law-enforcement officials -
9:48 - 9:52who were tasked with determining
my current threat level to society. -
9:53 - 9:58I stand here today for the first time
since I was 14 years old -
9:58 - 10:01not under any form of state supervision.
-
10:01 - 10:03I'm married to a tremendous
woman named Holly, -
10:03 - 10:06and together, we are raising two sons
-
10:06 - 10:11who I encourage to experience
emotions in a safe way. -
10:12 - 10:15I let them hold me when I cry.
-
10:15 - 10:18They get to witness me
not have all the answers. -
10:18 - 10:20My desire is for them to understand
-
10:20 - 10:24that being a man is not
some machismo caricature, -
10:25 - 10:29and that characteristics
usually defined as weaknesses -
10:29 - 10:31are parts of the whole healthy man.
-
10:32 - 10:35So today, I continue to work
not just on myself, -
10:35 - 10:38but in support of young males
in my community. -
10:39 - 10:42The challenge is to eradicate this cycle
-
10:45 - 10:48of emotional illiteracy and groupthink
-
10:48 - 10:53that allows our males to continue
to victimize others as well as themselves. -
10:53 - 10:56As a result of this,
-
10:56 - 11:00they develop new ways
of how they want to show up in the world -
11:00 - 11:02and how they expect this world
to show up on their behalf. -
11:03 - 11:04Thank you.
-
11:04 - 11:09(Applause)
- Title:
- How I unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity
- Speaker:
- Eldra Jackson
- Description:
-
In a powerful talk, educator Eldra Jackson III shares how he unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity through Inside Circle, an organization that leads group therapy for incarcerated men. Now he's helping others heal by creating a new image of what it means to be a whole, healthy man. "The challenge is to eradicate this cycle of emotional illiteracy and groupthink," he says.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 11:21
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to break the cycle of toxic masculinity | |
![]() |
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for How to break the cycle of toxic masculinity | |
![]() |
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for How to break the cycle of toxic masculinity | |
![]() |
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for How to break the cycle of toxic masculinity | |
![]() |
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for How to break the cycle of toxic masculinity | |
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to break the cycle of toxic masculinity | |
![]() |
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for How to break the cycle of toxic masculinity | |
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to break the cycle of toxic masculinity |