< Return to Video

How I unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity

  • 0:02 - 0:04
    Big boys don't cry.
  • 0:05 - 0:06
    Suck it up.
  • 0:08 - 0:09
    Shut up and rub some dirt on it.
  • 0:10 - 0:13
    Stop crying before I give you
    something to cry about.
  • 0:14 - 0:16
    These are just a few of the phrases
  • 0:16 - 0:19
    that contribute
    to a disease in our society,
  • 0:19 - 0:21
    and more specifically, in our men.
  • 0:23 - 0:27
    It's a disease that has come
    to be known as "toxic masculinity."
  • 0:28 - 0:31
    It's one I suffered a chronic case of,
  • 0:31 - 0:35
    so much so that I spent 24 years
    of a life sentence in prison
  • 0:35 - 0:38
    for kidnapping, robbery,
    and attempted murder.
  • 0:40 - 0:44
    Yet I'm here to tell you today
    that there's a solution for this epidemic.
  • 0:45 - 0:50
    I know for a fact the solution works,
    because I was a part of human trials.
  • 0:51 - 0:54
    The solution is a mixture of elements.
  • 0:54 - 0:58
    It begins with the willingness
    to look at your belief system
  • 0:58 - 1:00
    and how out of alignment it is
  • 1:00 - 1:04
    and how your actions
    negatively impact not just yourself,
  • 1:04 - 1:05
    but the people around you.
  • 1:06 - 1:10
    The next ingredient is the willingness
    to be vulnerable with people
  • 1:12 - 1:15
    who would not just support you,
    but hold you accountable.
  • 1:17 - 1:18
    But before I tell you about this,
  • 1:19 - 1:22
    I need to let you know
    that in order to share this,
  • 1:23 - 1:25
    I have to bare my soul in full.
  • 1:26 - 1:28
    And as I stand here,
  • 1:28 - 1:30
    with so many eyes fixed on me,
  • 1:31 - 1:34
    I feel raw and naked.
  • 1:36 - 1:38
    When this feeling is present,
  • 1:38 - 1:42
    I'm confident that the next phase
    of healing is on the horizon,
  • 1:43 - 1:46
    and that allows me
    to share my story in full.
  • 1:47 - 1:52
    For all appearances' sake,
    I was born into the ideal family dynamic:
  • 1:53 - 1:55
    mother, father, sister, brother.
  • 1:56 - 2:01
    Bertha, Eldra Jr., Taydama and Eldra III.
  • 2:01 - 2:02
    That's me.
  • 2:03 - 2:06
    My father was a Vietnam veteran
    who earned a Purple Heart
  • 2:06 - 2:10
    and made it home to find love,
    marry, and begin his own brood.
  • 2:11 - 2:15
    So how did I wind up serving life
    in the California prison system?
  • 2:16 - 2:17
    Keeping secrets,
  • 2:19 - 2:21
    believing the mantra
    that big boys don't cry,
  • 2:23 - 2:27
    not knowing how to display any emotion
    confidently other than anger,
  • 2:29 - 2:31
    participating in athletics
  • 2:31 - 2:34
    and learning that the greater
    the performance on the field,
  • 2:34 - 2:36
    the less the need to worry
    about the rules off it.
  • 2:36 - 2:39
    It's hard to pin down
    any one specific ingredient
  • 2:39 - 2:42
    of the many symptoms that ailed me.
  • 2:44 - 2:48
    Growing up as a young black male
    in Sacramento, California in the 1980s,
  • 2:48 - 2:51
    there were two groups
    I identified as having respect:
  • 2:52 - 2:54
    athletes and gangsters.
  • 2:55 - 2:57
    I excelled in sports,
  • 2:58 - 3:03
    that is until a friend and I chose to take
    his mom's car for a joyride and wreck it.
  • 3:05 - 3:08
    With my parents having to split
    the cost of a totaled vehicle,
  • 3:09 - 3:13
    I was relegated to a summer
    of household chores and no sports.
  • 3:15 - 3:17
    No sports meant no respect.
  • 3:19 - 3:21
    No respect equaled no power.
  • 3:22 - 3:25
    Power was vital to feed my illness.
  • 3:26 - 3:32
    It was at that point the decision
    to transition from athlete to gangster
  • 3:32 - 3:35
    was made and done so easily.
  • 3:36 - 3:40
    Early life experiences had set the stage
    for me to be well-suited
  • 3:42 - 3:44
    to objectify others,
  • 3:46 - 3:48
    act in a socially detached manner,
  • 3:48 - 3:52
    and above all else, seek to be viewed
    as in a position of power.
  • 3:54 - 3:55
    A sense of power
  • 3:55 - 3:58
    (Sighs)
  • 3:59 - 4:02
    equaled strength in my environment,
  • 4:02 - 4:04
    but more importantly,
    it did so in my mind.
  • 4:05 - 4:07
    My mind dictated my choices.
  • 4:08 - 4:12
    My subsequent choices put me
    on the fast track to prison life.
  • 4:13 - 4:16
    And even once in prison,
    I continued my history
  • 4:16 - 4:18
    of running over the rights of others,
  • 4:20 - 4:24
    even knowing that that
    was the place that I would die.
  • 4:24 - 4:27
    Once again, I wound up
    in solitary confinement
  • 4:28 - 4:31
    for stabbing another prisoner
    nearly 30 times.
  • 4:32 - 4:36
    I'd gotten to a place where I didn't care
    how I lived or if I died.
  • 4:38 - 4:39
    But then, things changed.
  • 4:40 - 4:43
    One of the best things
    that happened in my life to that point
  • 4:43 - 4:45
    was being sent to New Folsom Prison.
  • 4:46 - 4:50
    Once there, I was approached
    to join a group called Inside Circle.
  • 4:52 - 4:56
    Initially, I was hesitant to join a group
    referred to around the yard
  • 4:56 - 4:57
    as "hug-a-thug."
  • 4:57 - 5:01
    (Laughter)
  • 5:01 - 5:05
    Initially, yeah, that was a little much,
  • 5:05 - 5:08
    but eventually, I overcame my hesitancy.
  • 5:09 - 5:15
    As it turned out, the circle was
    the vision of a man named Patrick Nolan,
  • 5:15 - 5:16
    who was also serving life
  • 5:16 - 5:21
    and who had grown sick and tired
    of being sick and tired
  • 5:21 - 5:23
    of watching us kill one another
  • 5:24 - 5:25
    over skin color,
  • 5:26 - 5:27
    rag color,
  • 5:29 - 5:32
    being from Northern
    or Southern California,
  • 5:33 - 5:36
    or just plain breathing
    in the wrong direction on a windy day.
  • 5:37 - 5:40
    Circle time is men sitting with men
  • 5:40 - 5:42
    and cutting through the bullshit,
  • 5:43 - 5:46
    challenging structural ways of thinking.
  • 5:46 - 5:48
    I think the way that I think
  • 5:48 - 5:50
    and I act the way that I act
  • 5:51 - 5:53
    because I hadn't questioned that.
  • 5:54 - 5:57
    Like, who said I should see a woman
    walking down the street,
  • 5:59 - 6:01
    turn around and check out her backside?
  • 6:02 - 6:03
    Where did that come from?
  • 6:04 - 6:07
    If I don't question that,
    I'll just go along with the crowd.
  • 6:10 - 6:11
    The locker-room talk.
  • 6:12 - 6:15
    In circle, we sit
    and we question these things.
  • 6:15 - 6:17
    Why do I think the way that I think?
  • 6:17 - 6:18
    Why do I act the way that I act?
  • 6:19 - 6:22
    Because when I get down to it,
    I'm not thinking,
  • 6:22 - 6:24
    I'm not being an individual,
  • 6:24 - 6:27
    I'm not taking responsibility for who I am
  • 6:27 - 6:29
    and what it is I put into this world.
  • 6:30 - 6:33
    It was in a circle session
    that my life took a turn.
  • 6:33 - 6:36
    I remember being asked who I was,
  • 6:36 - 6:37
    and I didn't have an answer,
  • 6:38 - 6:40
    at least not one that felt honest
  • 6:40 - 6:43
    in a room full of men
    who were seeking truth.
  • 6:43 - 6:45
    It would have been easy to say,
  • 6:45 - 6:46
    "I'm a Blood,"
  • 6:46 - 6:49
    or, "My name is Vegas,"
  • 6:49 - 6:53
    or any number of facades
    I had manufactured to hide behind.
  • 6:54 - 6:58
    It was in that moment and in that venue
    that the jig was up.
  • 6:59 - 7:02
    I realized that as sharp
    as I believed I was,
  • 7:02 - 7:04
    I didn't even know who I was
  • 7:04 - 7:06
    or why I acted the way that I acted.
  • 7:09 - 7:13
    I couldn't stand in a room full of men
    who were seeking to serve and support
  • 7:13 - 7:15
    and present an authentic me.
  • 7:18 - 7:21
    It was in that moment
    that I graduated to a place within
  • 7:21 - 7:23
    that was ready for transformation.
  • 7:24 - 7:26
    For decades,
  • 7:26 - 7:30
    I kept being the victim of molestation
    at the hands of a babysitter a secret.
  • 7:31 - 7:35
    I submitted to this under the threat
    of my younger sister being harmed.
  • 7:35 - 7:37
    I was seven, she was three.
  • 7:38 - 7:41
    I believed it was my responsibility
    to keep her safe.
  • 7:45 - 7:47
    It was in that instant
  • 7:47 - 7:51
    that the seeds were sown
    for a long career of hurting others,
  • 7:51 - 7:54
    be it physical, mental or emotional.
  • 7:56 - 7:59
    I developed, in that instant,
  • 8:00 - 8:01
    at seven years old,
  • 8:01 - 8:03
    the belief that going forward in life,
  • 8:03 - 8:08
    if a situation presented itself
    where someone was going to get hurt,
  • 8:08 - 8:10
    I would be the one doing the hurting.
  • 8:11 - 8:15
    I also formulated the belief
    that loving put me in harm's way.
  • 8:16 - 8:20
    I also learned that caring
    about another person made me weak.
  • 8:21 - 8:24
    So not caring, that must equal strength.
  • 8:26 - 8:29
    The greatest way to mask
    a shaky sense of self
  • 8:29 - 8:31
    is to hide behind a false air of respect.
  • 8:32 - 8:35
    Sitting in circle
    resembles sitting in a fire.
  • 8:36 - 8:38
    It is a crucible that can and does break.
  • 8:41 - 8:43
    It broke my old sense of self,
  • 8:44 - 8:47
    diseased value system
  • 8:47 - 8:49
    and way of looking at others.
  • 8:50 - 8:55
    My old stale modes of thinking
    were invited into the open
  • 8:55 - 8:57
    to see if this
    is who I wanted to be in life.
  • 8:58 - 9:01
    I was accompanied by skilled facilitators
  • 9:01 - 9:03
    on a journey into the depths of myself
  • 9:03 - 9:08
    to find those wounded parts
    that not only festered
  • 9:08 - 9:11
    but seeped out to create
    unsafe space for others.
  • 9:14 - 9:17
    At times, it resembled an exorcism,
  • 9:17 - 9:19
    and in essence, it was.
  • 9:19 - 9:23
    There was an extraction
    of old, diseased ways of thinking,
  • 9:23 - 9:26
    being and reacting
  • 9:26 - 9:28
    and an infusion of purpose.
  • 9:29 - 9:31
    Sitting in those circles saved my life.
  • 9:33 - 9:37
    I stand here today as a testament
    to the fact of the power of the work.
  • 9:41 - 9:44
    I was paroled in June 2014,
  • 9:44 - 9:48
    following my third hearing before a panel
    of former law-enforcement officials
  • 9:48 - 9:52
    who were tasked with determining
    my current threat level to society.
  • 9:53 - 9:58
    I stand here today for the first time
    since I was 14 years old
  • 9:58 - 10:01
    not under any form of state supervision.
  • 10:01 - 10:03
    I'm married to a tremendous
    woman named Holly,
  • 10:03 - 10:06
    and together, we are raising two sons
  • 10:06 - 10:11
    who I encourage to experience
    emotions in a safe way.
  • 10:12 - 10:15
    I let them hold me when I cry.
  • 10:15 - 10:18
    They get to witness me
    not have all the answers.
  • 10:18 - 10:20
    My desire is for them to understand
  • 10:20 - 10:24
    that being a man is not
    some machismo caricature,
  • 10:25 - 10:29
    and that characteristics
    usually defined as weaknesses
  • 10:29 - 10:31
    are parts of the whole healthy man.
  • 10:32 - 10:35
    So today, I continue to work
    not just on myself,
  • 10:35 - 10:38
    but in support of young males
    in my community.
  • 10:39 - 10:42
    The challenge is to eradicate this cycle
  • 10:45 - 10:48
    of emotional illiteracy and groupthink
  • 10:48 - 10:53
    that allows our males to continue
    to victimize others as well as themselves.
  • 10:53 - 10:56
    As a result of this,
  • 10:56 - 11:00
    they develop new ways
    of how they want to show up in the world
  • 11:00 - 11:02
    and how they expect this world
    to show up on their behalf.
  • 11:03 - 11:04
    Thank you.
  • 11:04 - 11:09
    (Applause)
Title:
How I unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity
Speaker:
Eldra Jackson
Description:

In a powerful talk, educator Eldra Jackson III shares how he unlearned dangerous lessons about masculinity through Inside Circle, an organization that leads group therapy for incarcerated men. Now he's helping others heal by creating a new image of what it means to be a whole, healthy man. "The challenge is to eradicate this cycle of emotional illiteracy and groupthink," he says.

more » « less
Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDTalks
Duration:
11:21

English subtitles

Revisions Compare revisions