An intergalactic guide to using a defibrillator

Last year I got a chance to watch
the new "Star Wars" movie,

which was fantastic,

but one thing kept bugging me.

I don't know if you guys
noticed this or not.

In this entirely technically
advanced world,

I did not see a single AED anywhere,

which was totally shocking.

Almost as shocking
as not knowing what an AED is,

which you guys do know.

But for those at home,

an AED is an automated
external defibrillator.

It's the device you use when
you heart goes into cardiac arrest

to shock it back into a normal rhythm ...

or as one of the guys I was
teaching a class to referred to it as

"The shocky-hearty-box thing."

(Laughter)

But I really can't blame the empire,

since health and safety regulations

aren't really their first
order of business.

Though, even if we --

I think worse than not having an AED,

would be if there was one there,

but just, no one knew where to find it.

These devices can drastically increase
you chance of survival --

almost like a tauntaun on Hoth.

(Laughter)

But I'm pretty sure

that that storm trooper
is going to be toast

regardless if we have an AED or not.

Since what happens is the chest plate
is going to be quite hard to get off,

and like that tauntaun,

the AED has a very short window of time
at which it's highly effective.

In this case, around basically about --

we've got to use it
within the first 10 minutes.

The Jedi on the other hand have
no problems with their outfits.

Those robes open straight up,

you can place the pads
right onto the chest --

so upper right-hand side of the chest,

lower left,

wait for the unit to determine
if [the shock will rhytm]

and get ready to shock.

But, the Jedi do have a problem.

They have a head appendage issue,

and so I can be totally clear,

thinking I'm ready to go,

but I'm accidentally touching a tentacle,

and inadvertently shocking myself.

(Laughter)

So before you hit that button,

make sure you are clear,

and everyone else is clear.

Going back to that storm trooper,

if I did get that chest plate off in time,

what would you do

if you suddenly found there
was a Wookiee under there?

Or possibly two Ewoks?

(Laughter)

Well, lucky for us,

in the kit there's actually a razor,

and we can use that to shave the chest
on the upper right-hand side

and the lower left.

Wookiees also have another problem.

They have an accessory issue.

What we want to do is
we want to remove these --

anything between the two pads
we want to remove

since it can cause
something called arcing.

For those who don't know what arcing is,

do you remember the emperor,

when he shoots electricity
out the ends of his fingers --

(Laughter)

That would be kind of like arcing.

Another thing --

by the way,

he creates that by wearing
wool socks under his robes.

(Laughter)

We can also get arcing if we have
an extremely wet chest.

The electricity travels across the surface
instead of through the heart.

We can correct this with the
immortal words of Douglas Adams,

"Don't panic,"

which most of us have done today --

(Laughter)

and also "always having a towel."

So, good words to [live] by.

The metal bikini --

unfortnuately, this is where
panic sets in --

like the modern bra,

we have to make sure we remove,

because this can cause
severe arcing along with burns.

But unfortunately this opens up an issue

that's almost as controversial
as talking about the prequels.

(Laughter)

The mere mention of the word nipples

and people get into a little
bit of a tizzy --

by the way,

that is not a nipple, that's a cupcake.

(Laughter)

Chances are,

if you do have to use this,

this is going to be on someone you know.

And remember, everyone has nipples --

except for Jabba.

(Laughter)

But he does love cupcakes.

Speaking of Jabba,

if we do have to use an AED on him,

remember pad placement is the same,

even though he doesn't have nipples.

So it's going to be upper-right hand side,

lower left.

The preferred method,

if we were going through shocking,

getting ready to go --

after we've done the shock,

one of the things we need to do

is remember to do compression.

The preferred method of compression
is 30 compressions and two breaths

in the center of the chest,

between the nipples,

pressing down at least two inches,

no more than two-and-a-half,

at a rate of at least 100 beats a minute,

no more than 120.

Unfortunately, due to the size
of Jabba's mouth,

and also what he puts in said mouth,

we may not want to actually sort of ...

do the mouth-to-mouth part,

so instead we can do
compression-only CPR.

The way of remembering
the compression-only part

is we can actually use
"The Imperial March."

(Laughter)

I would sing it for you,

unfortunately,

that would be more something
an interrogation droid would do.

Yoda.

Small little guy,

like a baby.

What we do is we basically
treat him like a baby

in the sense that we're going to place
one pad in the center of the chest

and one in the back.

If we place them both in the front,

they can be too close
and cause severe arcing,

so we want to avoid that.

Hopefully, this helped to clarify

and put some light on some
of the darker issues

of using an AED in the Star Wars universe,

or any universe in total.

I'll leave you with one point.

Remember, if you do find yourself
dealing with a Wookiee,

do not shave the entire Wookiee.

This takes way too much time,

and it only pisses them off.

(Laughter)

Thank you very much.

(Applause)