Pachelbel Rant

A comedian rants about how much it sucks to play Pachelbel's Canon in D on a cello. Recorded live at Penn State, this piece by comedian/musician Rob Paravonian has been a favorite on the Dr. Demento Show.

00:02
[laughs] [guitar playing]
00:07
I'm gonna leave you with this little story, it's about this piece of music
00:10
It's a very popular piece of music, I'm sure you all know it but I'll sing the melody right now
00:15
[singing] Ba, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da
00:19
Yeah, Pachelbel's Canon in D
00:21
It's a big hit in the classical world and I know this because I'm a geek
00:24
I know what you're thinking: "Rob, you can't be a geek, you play guitar, you're so cool!"
00:30
O.K., you weren't thinking that, but I was
00:33
Well, I haven't always been this cool because I haven't always played guitar. I started out on the cello.
00:39
Yeah... the cello is a wonderful, beautiful instrument. it's cool to be an adult that plays the cello.
00:42
Being a kid that played the cello sucked.
00:45
'Cause there's no way to be cool when your instrument is larger than you
00:49
When you walk to school with a cello you're like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti, man.
00:53
The bullies just smell you coming from a mile away
00:57
"Ooh, I don't know what that think is but I know I'm gonna break it."
01:01
But I put up with all of the abuse because I loved the music that we played.
01:03
I loved everything we played in orchestra...
01:06
except this.
01:08
I hate Pachelbel's Canon in D with a passion
01:11
I hate it so much because the cello part is the worst cello part
01:14
ever written in the history of cello parts
01:16
It's 8 quarter notes that we repeated over and over again, they are as follows:
01:20
D
01:21
A
01:23
B
01:24
F Sharp
01:25
G
01:27
D
01:28
G
01:30
A
01:31
And that's all we got to play.
01:34
We repeated those 8 notes 54 times.
01:37
I counted.
01:39
Because I had nothing else to do.
01:42
I would sit back and listen to the violins get lovely melodies
01:44
The violas would get lovely melodies
01:46
The second violins would get lovely melodies
01:48
which should just not happen
01:50
And the cello, we got stuck with 8 crappy, lousy, stinking notes.
01:53
And I began to wonder why. Why would Pachelbel do that to us? Such a beautiful instrument.
01:57
And my theory was he once dated a cellist
02:00
and she dissed him really bad
02:02
So for the rest of his life he came up with the worst cello parts he could ever think of
02:06
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't hear him every day,
02:08
I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Rob, don't listen to classical radio anymore."
02:11
I... it doesn't matter.
02:12
Pachelbel's following me.
02:14
It sounds paranoid but he's following you too. You hear him every day.
02:17
I don't know, I went to my step-nephew-in-law's 8th grade graduation
02:20
and their graduation song was a song by Vitamin C. No,
02:24
[singing "Graduation (Friends Forever)" by Vitamin C] As we go on...
02:27
we'll remember... La, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da
02:31
So on the drive home I turned on some classic rock, some Aerosmith
02:34
[singing Aerosmith's "Cryin'"] There was a time
02:38
when I was so broken hearted, La, da da da, da da da da da da
02:43
So I got home I thought I'd clear my mind with some folk music. No...
02:45
[singing "One Tin Soldier" by Coven] Listen children to my story, It was written long ago
02:50
A-ba, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da
02:53
They do Pachelbel just like everybody does Pachelbel just to torment me!
02:57
I don't even go to Taco Bell anymore because it sounds too close.
03:02
I hate Pachelbel with a passion, I don't even know his first name.
03:06
It's probably Johann. They're all named Johann!
03:09
And when you think about it he's the original one hit wonder.
03:11
He had one hit 300 years ago it's my cross to bear my entire life.
03:15
Where are they now? That's what I want to know, where are you now, Pachelbel?
03:18
VH1's "I love the 1790s, where is it?"
03:23
And if he would just stay away from music that I love it would be better, but he won't
03:26
He is shameless. He will follow me to the ends of the earth.
03:29
I went to HORDE Festival thinking, "no, he couldn't possibly follow me to the HORDE Festival"
03:33
But you know who was at the HORDE Festival? Blues Traveler!
03:35
So that means that Pachelbel was also at the HORDE Festival!
03:38
[singing "The Hook" by Blues Traveler] Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in, when you're Amber Lynn or Rin Tin Tin...
03:40
Make a desperate move and then you're in a-da da da da, da, da da da, da da da da da da
03:45
So I figure I'm gonna listen to punk rock for the rest of my life. No dice.
03:48
[Singing Green Day's "Basket Case"] Do you have the time
03:50
to listen to me whine?
03:53
A-ba, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da, da, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da
03:58
You know I'm getting really bored
04:01
'Cause all songs have the same damn chords
04:04
Punk music is a joke
04:06
it's really just Baroque
04:08
Am I just paranoid, na na na
04:10
na na, na na, na na
04:13
I wanna push you around, I will, I will I wanna push you down, I will ("Push" by Matchbox 20 [not Saphire])
04:18
Whoa-ho, it's been good living with you ("Good" by Better Than Ezra)
04:19
In my machine head, is better than the rest My machine head, is better than the ("Machine Head" by Bush)
04:23
See the stone set in her eye, See the thorn twist in her ("With or Without You" by U2)
04:27
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel, I am cold and I'm shamed, lying naked on the floor... ("Torn" by Natalie Imbru... whatever)
04:31
He was a boy, she was a girl, Could it be anymore obvious? ("Sk8r Boi" by Avril Lavigne)
04:34
We're not gonna take it, No, we ain't gonna take it! ("We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister)
04:38
On your mark, get set and go now Got a dream and we just know now (Theme from Laverne and Shirley, which was a popular sit-com in the 1970s)
04:42
No woman, cry-ee-i-ee-i ("No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley)
04:46
When I find myself in times of trouble Pachelbel's always follwing me (to the tune of "Let It Be" by the Beatles)
04:50
I'll see you in hell, Pachelbel!
04:53
Oh Pachelbel, Pachelbel, I'll see your a** in hell!
04:57
I'll see you in hell, Pachelbel!
05:02
Thank you so much, Penn State! [crowd cheering]
05:06
Enjoy the rest of the show! Thanks!
05:11
[Michael Showalter] Rob Paravonian!