Polyamory | Leon Feingold | TEDxBushwick

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

Polyamorous relationships consist of individuals of multi-partner relationships and families. Leon offers an insight through his journey in finding polyamory as the means to creating intimate, valuable relationships with multiple people. Through his journey and explanation, Leon debunks myths and presents the values of polyamory.

I would like you all
to think back to high school,

and I apologize if that was
uncomfortable for anyone.

Remember that weird kid?

You know, zero social skills,
got caught one day in an empty classroom

kissing his hand?

That was me.

For as long as I can remember,
I've craved connection with others,

but I was a high school dork.

This is me at 15 with my dad.

You can see where I got my fashion sense.

(Laughter)

In high school that was my strong suit.

Maybe it's obvious,
but in high school I never had a date,

never went to my prom,
I hated being lonely.

I fantasized about having
a girlfriend and being in love,

but I was too terrified to talk to a girl,
let alone ask one out.

When you're the weird kid,
risk aversion is like 80% of high school.

College was a different story.

In college I reinvented myself,
I shed that awkward self image,

and I really learned
to connect with myself and others.

In other words, I was on target
to be giving a really cliché TED Talk.

Believe in yourselves ugly ducklings!

Thankfully, my story
turned out differently.

I remember dating for the first time

as a young adult.

So much just didn't make sense.

Why are we taught to play mind games
to attract partners,

rather than just being ourselves?

Why is friendship supposed to be
affectionate but asexual?

If I have feelings for someone,

why am I not supposed to have
feelings for someone else?

And of course, how do I know
if I'm in love with the right person?

Most of my questions
revolved around monogamy.

Basically, you find one partner you like
and you stay together

until either you break up
and start all over with someone else,

or enough time goes by

and you take the next step
up the relationship ladder.

The progression goes:
dating, dating exclusively, engagement,

marriage, kids, 50th anniversary,
and then die married.

Now if you've done all this:

Congratulations! You win relationships.

(Laughter)

Any deviation however,

and your relationship
is considered a failure.

Of course by this measure
nearly all relationships,

no matter how enjoyable
or educational, are failures.

But that's the standard
under which we're all raised

and by which we're all judged.

Since my oh-so-awkward childhood,
I've been very lucky,

and I've dated some amazing people,
but none were a perfect match.

I realized we'd each need to give up
some of our wants or needs

in order to fit the other's ideal.

Now, you might say, giving up some desires
in order to make a relationship work

is normal.

But whether you consider compromise,

a necessary part
of growing up or settling,

it still means one or both of you
aren't really being true to yourselves.

Because no matter how compatible you are,
the likelihood of any two people

exactly matching
all the other's wants and needs

is minuscule.

Then there are the wants and needs

we don't know we want and need
until our relationships teaches us.

For example, a possessive partner

might show us the value
of the time we spend with our friends.

A party animal might teach us
that hey, we really do prefer

spending Saturday nights home on our sofa.

The more we date, the more we learn.

Even if we do meet somebody
who matches us,

people change, that's part of life.

What I want now, is not what I wanted
five years ago, or ten years ago.

I imagine it's the same for most of you.

What we want in five or ten years,
will be different too.

It would be great
if people in all relationships

grew at the same rate
and in the same direction,

but that's not realistic.

Most of us know people
in unhappy relationships

which have grown apart, but stay together,

sacrificing their own happiness

for appearances, or the sake of the kids,

or the fear of starting over
at the bottom of the ladder.

The worst part is, even though they know
or suspect they're incompatible,

they keep climbing.

Finally, the one thing
a perfect match can't be

is someone else.

Sure you can roleplay or vary routine,

but the human brain craves
variety and stimulation,

and in monogamy, the only way
to experience someone new

is to break up or cheat.

Breaking up and cheating is what we do.

Half of all marriages end in divorce.

Three out of every four people

will experience some form
of relationship infidelity.

I think we all know people
in 'successful' relationships

which may never break up
but are far from successful.

Being a romantic,

I never wanted to commit to someone
only to become a statistic,

or miserable because we weren't
perfectly matched,

but being logical,

I knew there was no such thing
as a perfect match.

I still wanted my fairy tale romance,

and I dated more and more
in order to find it,

but I never did.

This being New York City,
I did the reasonable thing,

and started seeing a therapist
to find out why.

(Laughter)

I mean, had I just not met the one?

It certainly wasn't for lack of looking.

What was wrong with me

that I couldn't have
what everyone else seemed to have?

Then I went on a date with Beth.

According to her OkCupid profile,
Beth was smart, creative, and polyamorous,

and over dinner,

learning about polyamory changed my life.

Audience participation time,
this is your turn.

I'd like to see a show of hands.

How many people here love their families?

Mom, put your hand up.

(Laughter)

How many love their friends?

How many love their romantic partners?

How many might still love their exes?

Don't raise your hand
if this will get you in trouble.

So, how many people only love one person?

Hopefully we can each honestly say,
we love many people in our lives.

Which is phenomenal.

Love is meaningful,
and it gives our lives meaning.

It deepens connections,
it feels great to share,

it's free, it doesn't even have calories.

So why should we limit it?

Are we only able to love
one person at a time?

Not at all, we just covered that.

Besides, love is not a zero sum game.

Imagine having a child
whom you love wholeheartedly.

If you have a second child,

you don't cut that love in half
and give half to each,

or tell the second child:

"I'm sorry, but there's
just no love left for you."

(Laughter)

At least my mother didn't do that.

You give them both all your love.

Resources are finite.

Time, money, energy, all are limited,

but the love we have to share
is only as limited as we limit it.

You might say: "OK, well,
I can feel love for many people,

but I can only be in love
romantically with one person."

I say, being in love is simply the concept

that someone we love
loves us back the same way.

Think about it.

The truth is, the idea
that romantic love must be exclusive

is a social construct.

We can and often do feel romantic love

for more than one person at the same time.

We're just not supposed to.

Monogamy works amazingly well
for some people,

which I find beautiful and inspiring,

but for people like me, who feel something
crucial missing in monogamy,

learning about responsible non-monogamy
can be transformative.

From the Greek and Roman roots
for many loves:

polyamory encourages the simultaneous
loving relationships of any sort

- physical, emotional, romantic -

as long as everyone involved
knows and consents.

It's not polygamy which is many spouses.

What we think of as dating monogamously
or monogamy in dating,

is really monoamory, one love,

where the goal is to find,
and bond exclusively with,

the one person we love.

Polyamorous or poly relationships
on the other hand,

are completely customized
by what we call negotiated agreements,

where the people involved
decide them together.

This could look like primary partners
with occasional secondaries,

or multiple primaries,
or any shape at all really:

a couple, a V, a triad, a quad, or this.

(Laughter)

We call this a polycule.

(Laughter)

Everyone should be communicating
with their partners

regarding their expectations,
desires and concerns.

It doesn't mean that A necessarily
has any direct interaction with G,

but they should all be on the same page.

This relationship structure
works incredibly well

for casual relationships.

It also works incredibly well
for long term relationships,

raising families,

and basically anyone living normal,
well adjusted lives.

Any of these shapes could change,
or last for life.

So at this point, I'm guessing
half of you are thinking,

well, that seems pretty good,
at least in theory.

Maybe it even sounds obvious.

The other half are thinking,
that can't possibly work.

But it does.

The key is our four C's,
like the bread crumbs.

(Laughter)

Compersion, Communication,
Community and Compatibility.

Compersion, my favorite word.

It means happiness
in the happiness of others.

If you've never heard of compersion,

it's because we in the poly community

made it up

about 40 years ago,

and we don't have a PR department.

But you've probably felt it.

Have you ever run into one of your friends
right after they've gotten engaged?

They are so excited,
all they can talk about is the ring,

and the surprise, and the plans,

and they've got this big
goofy smile on their face,

and you can't help
but get excited for them.

They see you getting excited for them,

so of course they get more excited
because you're excited,

you get excited because they are,

because you're -

that's compersion.

(Laughter)

Compersion works in a relationship context

by mentally shifting
competition into cooperation.

One of my best friends
is this guy named Sam.

My girlfriend and I a year ago
met Sam at a party, and not long after,

my girlfriend and Sam
started dating as well.

We have a made-up word for that too,
a metamour, your partner's partner.

Traditionally, your competition.

I could've pretended I wasn't jealous.

I was.

Or I could've just forced myself
to try to ignore it.

Instead, I invited Sam out to lunch.

Turns out, we had a lot more in common
than just our girlfriend.

He's a hell of a guy.

(Laughter)

No, really, we totally hit it off.

To this day, Sam and I
still meet for lunch every month.

I've learned that people
your partner's interested in

aren't your enemies.

You can be teammates working together,

strengthening existing relationships
while exploring new ones.

It's like game theory nirvana.

Everyone wins.

When this clicked for me, when I got this,
my jealousy just dissolved.

But that doesn't happen
without everyone being on the same page,

and that doesn't happen
without communication.

Effective communication means

sharing openly and honestly
and without shame.

It helps our partners
understand where we are,

and what we want out of a relationship,
and most people suck at it.

But it's probably not your fault.

We're not raised to risk
sharing what's actually on our minds,

and can you imagine
what first dates would sound like.

Even people who have been together
for years, still censor themselves.

When's the last time any of you
actually heard anyone say

any of these sentences to their partner:

"I think your boss is dreamy."

"I can't stand your mother."

Or: "Yes, those jeans
do make you look fat."

Poly people tend to be
pretty good communicators

because balancing so many relationships

we have to be.

I co-author an advice column
called 'Poly Wanna Answer?'

(Laughter)

It's not that funny.

Most of our questions

revolve around poor communication
or communication issues.

Whether or not you're poly,
I've got four steps

which may help each of you
improve your own communication.

The first step is: always take the time

to identify what is it
you really want and need,

which is harder than it sounds.

Step two: share those wants and needs
in ways that others understand.

Three: listen open-mindedly
to others' wants and needs.

And four: clarify agreements
and boundaries.

Basically, the overlaps
get you what you both want.

You can see which of your needs
aren't being met,

and you have a partner willing
to help you expand your comfort zones.

If you choose to partner
with additional people,

you can get more of your needs met
and safely explore more boundaries.

Understanding that this
can be both healthy and fulfilling,

is the key to polyamory.

Plus, I really love Venn diagrams.

When you combine
compersion and communication,

you build community.

In the poly community we talk openly
about things like sex, emotions, fears.

It's scary to be vulnerable, especially
when we're so socialized against it,

but with the support
of community and safe space,

problems don't have to be secrets.

Since discovering the poly community,

I've literally met
thousands of poly people

of every race, color,
religion, gender, orientation,

sexual identity and tax bracket,

including several I'd known all along
but had no idea they were poly.

Community helped me realize
I was always polyamorous,

I just never had a word for it.

For the first time I wasn't a freak

for wanting love but not feeling
fulfilled by monogamy.

Being part of this community
has allowed me to mentor others,

even as I continue to learn myself.

The very first publicly polyamorous house

opened in New York City right here
in Bushwick, a few blocks away,

and I was one of the organizers
that helped create it.

Finally, understanding and accepting

that one partner doesn't
have to meet all our needs,

means that people can
fit in our lives naturally,

without pressure to force or label them
into something they're not,

and rather than disconnect from them
because something doesn't work,

we can stay connected
because of all the things that do.

Something to think about,

people confuse sex and love
all the time, it's axiomatic.

We assume one implies the other,

and while it's true that sex
can make love stronger,

and love can make sex better,

they can also be independent.

Assuming otherwise,

like most assumptions, can cause problems.

But what's less understood is this:

people also confuse love
with compatibility.

Compatible partners are those we match

when we're being
the truest versions of ourselves,

and who share our goals for the future.

Incompatible people
fall in love all the time.

If we as a society persist
in the romantic but false assumption

that love conquers all,
and we just need to try harder,

then we're all going to wind up
with more of these statistics.

Do you know what these numbers tell me?

That an incredible number of people
are unhappy with their relationship.

This doesn't mean
they don't love their partners,

it means they're not getting
what they want or need.

Self denial might make you a better monk,

but outside the monastery
it's a pretty horrible way to live.

Knowing what I know now, I couldn't do it.

My solution, love!

Wildly with reckless abandon,

don't treat love
like a prize with one winner.

Love the people in your life,

be open to loving the people you meet
in whatever ways make sense,

you won't run out.

Saying I love you and meaning it
is one of lives greatest pleasures.

If you choose life partners,

choose compatible ones
who want the life that you want.

I volunteer here in New York
with a group called Open Love,

and we have monthly discussion groups
at which I heard this great analogy.

We're all sailing individual boats
down the river of time,

some sail close to shore,
some adventure further out.

When we meet a life partner,
we lash our boats together for stability,

and spend the rest
of our journeys together.

But the best life partners
are those who travel with you

because they want to,
not because they're tied to you.

What I would like to leave you with
is this little acronym.

It tells me -

(Laughter)

You should see it before we shortened it.

It tells me that polyamory
versus monogamy is no competition.

Clearly the best relationship structure
is the one that works for you.

My thing is not your thing,
but your thing is OK.

It doesn't matter what your thing is,

but it's your responsibility to choose it.

So, what do each of you
really want and need?

Good luck.