1
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I would like you all
to think back to high school,

2
00:00:10,466 --> 00:00:13,503
and I apologize if that was
uncomfortable for anyone.

3
00:00:14,966 --> 00:00:17,004
Remember that weird kid?

4
00:00:17,005 --> 00:00:22,230
You know, zero social skills,
got caught one day in an empty classroom

5
00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:24,467
kissing his hand?

6
00:00:26,717 --> 00:00:28,217
That was me.

7
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For as long as I can remember,
I've craved connection with others,

8
00:00:32,022 --> 00:00:34,434
but I was a high school dork.

9
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This is me at 15 with my dad.

10
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You can see where I got my fashion sense.

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(Laughter)

12
00:00:43,997 --> 00:00:46,382
In high school that was my strong suit.

13
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Maybe it's obvious,
but in high school I never had a date,

14
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never went to my prom,
I hated being lonely.

15
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I fantasized about having
a girlfriend and being in love,

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but I was too terrified to talk to a girl,
let alone ask one out.

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When you're the weird kid,
risk aversion is like 80% of high school.

18
00:01:09,433 --> 00:01:11,749
College was a different story.

19
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In college I reinvented myself,
I shed that awkward self image,

20
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and I really learned
to connect with myself and others.

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In other words, I was on target
to be giving a really cliché TED Talk.

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Believe in yourselves ugly ducklings!

23
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Thankfully, my story
turned out differently.

24
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I remember dating for the first time

25
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as a young adult.

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So much just didn't make sense.

27
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Why are we taught to play mind games
to attract partners,

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rather than just being ourselves?

29
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Why is friendship supposed to be
affectionate but asexual?

30
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If I have feelings for someone,

31
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why am I not supposed to have
feelings for someone else?

32
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And of course, how do I know
if I'm in love with the right person?

33
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Most of my questions
revolved around monogamy.

34
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Basically, you find one partner you like
and you stay together

35
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until either you break up
and start all over with someone else,

36
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or enough time goes by

37
00:02:08,594 --> 00:02:11,393
and you take the next step
up the relationship ladder.

38
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The progression goes:
dating, dating exclusively, engagement,

39
00:02:17,747 --> 00:02:23,408
marriage, kids, 50th anniversary,
and then die married.

40
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Now if you've done all this:

41
00:02:26,145 --> 00:02:29,024
Congratulations! You win relationships.

42
00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:31,235
(Laughter)

43
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Any deviation however,

44
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and your relationship
is considered a failure.

45
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Of course by this measure
nearly all relationships,

46
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,379
no matter how enjoyable
or educational, are failures.

47
00:02:52,769 --> 00:02:55,306
But that's the standard
under which we're all raised

48
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and by which we're all judged.

49
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Since my oh-so-awkward childhood,
I've been very lucky,

50
00:03:01,554 --> 00:03:05,719
and I've dated some amazing people,
but none were a perfect match.

51
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I realized we'd each need to give up
some of our wants or needs

52
00:03:09,191 --> 00:03:11,178
in order to fit the other's ideal.

53
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Now, you might say, giving up some desires
in order to make a relationship work

54
00:03:15,781 --> 00:03:16,938
is normal.

55
00:03:16,938 --> 00:03:18,754
But whether you consider compromise,

56
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a necessary part
of growing up or settling,

57
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it still means one or both of you
aren't really being true to yourselves.

58
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Because no matter how compatible you are,
the likelihood of any two people

59
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exactly matching
all the other's wants and needs

60
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is minuscule.

61
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Then there are the wants and needs

62
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we don't know we want and need
until our relationships teaches us.

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For example, a possessive partner

64
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might show us the value
of the time we spend with our friends.

65
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A party animal might teach us
that hey, we really do prefer

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spending Saturday nights home on our sofa.

67
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The more we date, the more we learn.

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Even if we do meet somebody
who matches us,

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people change, that's part of life.

70
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What I want now, is not what I wanted
five years ago, or ten years ago.

71
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I imagine it's the same for most of you.

72
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What we want in five or ten years,
will be different too.

73
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It would be great
if people in all relationships

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grew at the same rate
and in the same direction,

75
00:04:13,925 --> 00:04:15,672
but that's not realistic.

76
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,903
Most of us know people
in unhappy relationships

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which have grown apart, but stay together,

78
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sacrificing their own happiness

79
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for appearances, or the sake of the kids,

80
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or the fear of starting over
at the bottom of the ladder.

81
00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:34,206
The worst part is, even though they know
or suspect they're incompatible,

82
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they keep climbing.

83
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Finally, the one thing
a perfect match can't be

84
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is someone else.

85
00:04:42,709 --> 00:04:45,325
Sure you can roleplay or vary routine,

86
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:48,500
but the human brain craves
variety and stimulation,

87
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and in monogamy, the only way
to experience someone new

88
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is to break up or cheat.

89
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Breaking up and cheating is what we do.

90
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Half of all marriages end in divorce.

91
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Three out of every four people

92
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:05,458
will experience some form
of relationship infidelity.

93
00:05:05,858 --> 00:05:08,975
I think we all know people
in 'successful' relationships

94
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:12,030
which may never break up
but are far from successful.

95
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Being a romantic,

96
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I never wanted to commit to someone
only to become a statistic,

97
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or miserable because we weren't
perfectly matched,

98
00:05:20,265 --> 00:05:21,571
but being logical,

99
00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:24,483
I knew there was no such thing
as a perfect match.

100
00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:29,754
I still wanted my fairy tale romance,

101
00:05:29,755 --> 00:05:32,134
and I dated more and more
in order to find it,

102
00:05:32,135 --> 00:05:33,338
but I never did.

103
00:05:33,788 --> 00:05:36,636
This being New York City,
I did the reasonable thing,

104
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,901
and started seeing a therapist
to find out why.

105
00:05:38,901 --> 00:05:41,011
(Laughter)

106
00:05:42,322 --> 00:05:45,080
I mean, had I just not met the one?

107
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It certainly wasn't for lack of looking.

108
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What was wrong with me

109
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that I couldn't have
what everyone else seemed to have?

110
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,475
Then I went on a date with Beth.

111
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According to her OkCupid profile,
Beth was smart, creative, and polyamorous,

112
00:06:01,786 --> 00:06:03,041
and over dinner,

113
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learning about polyamory changed my life.

114
00:06:06,891 --> 00:06:09,636
Audience participation time,
this is your turn.

115
00:06:10,381 --> 00:06:11,973
I'd like to see a show of hands.

116
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How many people here love their families?

117
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Mom, put your hand up.

118
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(Laughter)

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How many love their friends?

120
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How many love their romantic partners?

121
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How many might still love their exes?

122
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Don't raise your hand
if this will get you in trouble.

123
00:06:38,544 --> 00:06:42,016
So, how many people only love one person?

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Hopefully we can each honestly say,
we love many people in our lives.

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Which is phenomenal.

126
00:06:49,187 --> 00:06:52,534
Love is meaningful,
and it gives our lives meaning.

127
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It deepens connections,
it feels great to share,

128
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it's free, it doesn't even have calories.

129
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,691
So why should we limit it?

130
00:07:03,061 --> 00:07:05,273
Are we only able to love
one person at a time?

131
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Not at all, we just covered that.

132
00:07:07,263 --> 00:07:10,084
Besides, love is not a zero sum game.

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Imagine having a child
whom you love wholeheartedly.

134
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If you have a second child,

135
00:07:14,981 --> 00:07:17,663
you don't cut that love in half
and give half to each,

136
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or tell the second child:

137
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"I'm sorry, but there's
just no love left for you."

138
00:07:21,471 --> 00:07:23,310
(Laughter)

139
00:07:23,311 --> 00:07:25,711
At least my mother didn't do that.

140
00:07:26,212 --> 00:07:28,490
You give them both all your love.

141
00:07:28,810 --> 00:07:30,710
Resources are finite.

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Time, money, energy, all are limited,

143
00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:39,287
but the love we have to share
is only as limited as we limit it.

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00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:44,037
You might say: "OK, well,
I can feel love for many people,

145
00:07:44,038 --> 00:07:47,768
but I can only be in love
romantically with one person."

146
00:07:48,118 --> 00:07:52,413
I say, being in love is simply the concept

147
00:07:52,414 --> 00:07:56,378
that someone we love
loves us back the same way.

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Think about it.

149
00:07:58,490 --> 00:08:02,847
The truth is, the idea
that romantic love must be exclusive

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00:08:02,848 --> 00:08:04,346
is a social construct.

151
00:08:04,586 --> 00:08:08,577
We can and often do feel romantic love

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00:08:08,578 --> 00:08:12,057
for more than one person at the same time.

153
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:14,731
We're just not supposed to.

154
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Monogamy works amazingly well
for some people,

155
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which I find beautiful and inspiring,

156
00:08:25,253 --> 00:08:30,280
but for people like me, who feel something
crucial missing in monogamy,

157
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learning about responsible non-monogamy
can be transformative.

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From the Greek and Roman roots
for many loves:

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polyamory encourages the simultaneous
loving relationships of any sort

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- physical, emotional, romantic -

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as long as everyone involved
knows and consents.

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It's not polygamy which is many spouses.

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What we think of as dating monogamously
or monogamy in dating,

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is really monoamory, one love,

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where the goal is to find,
and bond exclusively with,

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the one person we love.

167
00:09:05,156 --> 00:09:07,891
Polyamorous or poly relationships
on the other hand,

168
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are completely customized
by what we call negotiated agreements,

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where the people involved
decide them together.

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This could look like primary partners
with occasional secondaries,

171
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or multiple primaries,
or any shape at all really:

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a couple, a V, a triad, a quad, or this.

173
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(Laughter)

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We call this a polycule.

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(Laughter)

176
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Everyone should be communicating
with their partners

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00:09:43,114 --> 00:09:45,922
regarding their expectations,
desires and concerns.

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It doesn't mean that A necessarily
has any direct interaction with G,

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but they should all be on the same page.

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This relationship structure
works incredibly well

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for casual relationships.

182
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It also works incredibly well
for long term relationships,

183
00:10:02,492 --> 00:10:03,887
raising families,

184
00:10:03,888 --> 00:10:06,833
and basically anyone living normal,
well adjusted lives.

185
00:10:07,143 --> 00:10:10,251
Any of these shapes could change,
or last for life.

186
00:10:11,061 --> 00:10:14,822
So at this point, I'm guessing
half of you are thinking,

187
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:17,241
well, that seems pretty good,
at least in theory.

188
00:10:17,541 --> 00:10:19,368
Maybe it even sounds obvious.

189
00:10:19,678 --> 00:10:24,005
The other half are thinking,
that can't possibly work.

190
00:10:24,365 --> 00:10:25,503
But it does.

191
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:29,293
The key is our four C's,
like the bread crumbs.

192
00:10:29,693 --> 00:10:31,573
(Laughter)

193
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:37,167
Compersion, Communication,
Community and Compatibility.

194
00:10:38,686 --> 00:10:41,068
Compersion, my favorite word.

195
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,815
It means happiness
in the happiness of others.

196
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,177
If you've never heard of compersion,

197
00:10:46,178 --> 00:10:47,996
it's because we in the poly community

198
00:10:47,997 --> 00:10:50,556
made it up

199
00:10:50,557 --> 00:10:53,356
about 40 years ago,

200
00:10:53,357 --> 00:10:55,613
and we don't have a PR department.

201
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:58,146
But you've probably felt it.

202
00:10:58,146 --> 00:11:02,069
Have you ever run into one of your friends
right after they've gotten engaged?

203
00:11:02,069 --> 00:11:07,272
They are so excited,
all they can talk about is the ring,

204
00:11:07,273 --> 00:11:10,033
and the surprise, and the plans,

205
00:11:10,034 --> 00:11:12,536
and they've got this big
goofy smile on their face,

206
00:11:12,537 --> 00:11:15,347
and you can't help
but get excited for them.

207
00:11:15,617 --> 00:11:17,644
They see you getting excited for them,

208
00:11:17,645 --> 00:11:20,413
so of course they get more excited
because you're excited,

209
00:11:20,414 --> 00:11:21,990
you get excited because they are,

210
00:11:21,991 --> 00:11:23,390
because you're -

211
00:11:24,538 --> 00:11:25,908
that's compersion.

212
00:11:26,148 --> 00:11:27,698
(Laughter)

213
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,914
Compersion works in a relationship context

214
00:11:30,915 --> 00:11:33,951
by mentally shifting
competition into cooperation.

215
00:11:34,301 --> 00:11:36,897
One of my best friends
is this guy named Sam.

216
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:41,028
My girlfriend and I a year ago
met Sam at a party, and not long after,

217
00:11:41,029 --> 00:11:43,310
my girlfriend and Sam
started dating as well.

218
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:48,418
We have a made-up word for that too,
a metamour, your partner's partner.

219
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,294
Traditionally, your competition.

220
00:11:51,924 --> 00:11:53,893
I could've pretended I wasn't jealous.

221
00:11:53,894 --> 00:11:54,894
I was.

222
00:11:55,178 --> 00:11:57,811
Or I could've just forced myself
to try to ignore it.

223
00:11:57,812 --> 00:12:00,670
Instead, I invited Sam out to lunch.

224
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,140
Turns out, we had a lot more in common
than just our girlfriend.

225
00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:05,141
He's a hell of a guy.

226
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:06,201
(Laughter)

227
00:12:06,202 --> 00:12:08,656
No, really, we totally hit it off.

228
00:12:08,657 --> 00:12:12,147
To this day, Sam and I
still meet for lunch every month.

229
00:12:12,547 --> 00:12:15,032
I've learned that people
your partner's interested in

230
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:16,420
aren't your enemies.

231
00:12:16,421 --> 00:12:19,578
You can be teammates working together,

232
00:12:19,579 --> 00:12:22,817
strengthening existing relationships
while exploring new ones.

233
00:12:22,818 --> 00:12:25,816
It's like game theory nirvana.

234
00:12:25,817 --> 00:12:27,570
Everyone wins.

235
00:12:28,930 --> 00:12:34,408
When this clicked for me, when I got this,
my jealousy just dissolved.

236
00:12:35,359 --> 00:12:39,262
But that doesn't happen
without everyone being on the same page,

237
00:12:39,263 --> 00:12:43,031
and that doesn't happen
without communication.

238
00:12:46,331 --> 00:12:49,103
Effective communication means

239
00:12:49,104 --> 00:12:51,706
sharing openly and honestly
and without shame.

240
00:12:52,036 --> 00:12:54,863
It helps our partners
understand where we are,

241
00:12:54,864 --> 00:12:58,738
and what we want out of a relationship,
and most people suck at it.

242
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:01,164
But it's probably not your fault.

243
00:13:01,165 --> 00:13:04,095
We're not raised to risk
sharing what's actually on our minds,

244
00:13:04,096 --> 00:13:07,889
and can you imagine
what first dates would sound like.

245
00:13:08,349 --> 00:13:12,391
Even people who have been together
for years, still censor themselves.

246
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:15,211
When's the last time any of you
actually heard anyone say

247
00:13:15,212 --> 00:13:18,093
any of these sentences to their partner:

248
00:13:18,094 --> 00:13:21,470
"I think your boss is dreamy."

249
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"I can't stand your mother."

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Or: "Yes, those jeans
do make you look fat."

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Poly people tend to be
pretty good communicators

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because balancing so many relationships

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we have to be.

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I co-author an advice column
called 'Poly Wanna Answer?'

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(Laughter)

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It's not that funny.

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Most of our questions

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revolve around poor communication
or communication issues.

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Whether or not you're poly,
I've got four steps

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which may help each of you
improve your own communication.

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The first step is: always take the time

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to identify what is it
you really want and need,

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which is harder than it sounds.

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Step two: share those wants and needs
in ways that others understand.

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Three: listen open-mindedly
to others' wants and needs.

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And four: clarify agreements
and boundaries.

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Basically, the overlaps
get you what you both want.

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You can see which of your needs
aren't being met,

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and you have a partner willing
to help you expand your comfort zones.

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If you choose to partner
with additional people,

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you can get more of your needs met
and safely explore more boundaries.

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Understanding that this
can be both healthy and fulfilling,

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is the key to polyamory.

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Plus, I really love Venn diagrams.

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When you combine
compersion and communication,

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you build community.

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In the poly community we talk openly
about things like sex, emotions, fears.

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It's scary to be vulnerable, especially
when we're so socialized against it,

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but with the support
of community and safe space,

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problems don't have to be secrets.

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Since discovering the poly community,

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I've literally met
thousands of poly people

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of every race, color,
religion, gender, orientation,

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sexual identity and tax bracket,

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including several I'd known all along
but had no idea they were poly.

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Community helped me realize
I was always polyamorous,

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I just never had a word for it.

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For the first time I wasn't a freak

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for wanting love but not feeling
fulfilled by monogamy.

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Being part of this community
has allowed me to mentor others,

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even as I continue to learn myself.

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The very first publicly polyamorous house

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opened in New York City right here
in Bushwick, a few blocks away,

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and I was one of the organizers
that helped create it.

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Finally, understanding and accepting

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that one partner doesn't
have to meet all our needs,

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means that people can
fit in our lives naturally,

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without pressure to force or label them
into something they're not,

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and rather than disconnect from them
because something doesn't work,

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we can stay connected
because of all the things that do.

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Something to think about,

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people confuse sex and love
all the time, it's axiomatic.

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We assume one implies the other,

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and while it's true that sex
can make love stronger,

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and love can make sex better,

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they can also be independent.

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Assuming otherwise,

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like most assumptions, can cause problems.

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But what's less understood is this:

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people also confuse love
with compatibility.

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Compatible partners are those we match

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when we're being
the truest versions of ourselves,

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and who share our goals for the future.

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Incompatible people
fall in love all the time.

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If we as a society persist
in the romantic but false assumption

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that love conquers all,
and we just need to try harder,

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then we're all going to wind up
with more of these statistics.

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Do you know what these numbers tell me?

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That an incredible number of people
are unhappy with their relationship.

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This doesn't mean
they don't love their partners,

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it means they're not getting
what they want or need.

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00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,248
Self denial might make you a better monk,

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00:17:09,249 --> 00:17:12,412
but outside the monastery
it's a pretty horrible way to live.

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Knowing what I know now, I couldn't do it.

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00:17:15,787 --> 00:17:18,695
My solution, love!

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Wildly with reckless abandon,

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don't treat love
like a prize with one winner.

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00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:25,344
Love the people in your life,

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be open to loving the people you meet
in whatever ways make sense,

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you won't run out.

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Saying I love you and meaning it
is one of lives greatest pleasures.

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If you choose life partners,

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choose compatible ones
who want the life that you want.

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00:17:39,699 --> 00:17:42,527
I volunteer here in New York
with a group called Open Love,

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and we have monthly discussion groups
at which I heard this great analogy.

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We're all sailing individual boats
down the river of time,

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some sail close to shore,
some adventure further out.

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When we meet a life partner,
we lash our boats together for stability,

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and spend the rest
of our journeys together.

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00:17:59,057 --> 00:18:01,842
But the best life partners
are those who travel with you

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because they want to,
not because they're tied to you.

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What I would like to leave you with
is this little acronym.

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It tells me -

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00:18:10,832 --> 00:18:13,441
(Laughter)

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00:18:13,442 --> 00:18:16,374
You should see it before we shortened it.

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00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:21,194
It tells me that polyamory
versus monogamy is no competition.

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00:18:21,714 --> 00:18:27,021
Clearly the best relationship structure
is the one that works for you.

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00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:31,882
My thing is not your thing,
but your thing is OK.

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00:18:31,883 --> 00:18:34,182
It doesn't matter what your thing is,

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but it's your responsibility to choose it.

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So, what do each of you
really want and need?

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Good luck.