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← How to tell if someone truly loves you | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity

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Showing Revision 13 created 04/25/2019 by Peter van de Ven.

  1. By show of hands,
  2. How many of you have ever
    gotten in a relationship
  3. because you felt that you were in love?
  4. Very good!
  5. How many have ever broken up
    and said to the person,
  6. "You don't deserve me."
  7. Ah-ha!
  8. "As a matter of fact,
  9. I don't even know how I fell in love
    with you in the first place."
  10. Oh, I know.
  11. You were drunk in love, right?
  12. In my line of field,
    as a relationship coach,
  13. clients come to me
    with their love problems.
  14. One client wants me
    to evaluate her relationship.
  15. She's been with her boyfriend
    for over four years.
  16. There is no promise ring,
    no engagement ring,
  17. no conversation about wedding.
  18. And on top of it,
  19. he is cheating on her.
  20. She wants to know
  21. if she should continue
    with the relationship
  22. or kick the guy to the curb.
  23. So, I ask her, "How many times
    has he cheated on you?"
  24. She says, "At least four times."
  25. When a lady says "at least four times,"
  26. multiply that by two.
  27. It's eight times.
  28. "Do you love him?"
  29. "Yes," she replies.
  30. "Does he love you?"
  31. "He says he does,
  32. but his action does not show it."
  33. "What action specifically?"
  34. "The cheating."
  35. "If you loved someone,
  36. would you cheat on them?
  37. If you truly loved someone,
  38. would you cheat on them
  39. at least four times
  40. multiplied by two?"
  41. She says, "No."
  42. Well, if your answer is "no,"
    then you know what to do.
  43. True love that is not
    backed up by the right action
  44. is not true love.
  45. Another client says
  46. he is happy in his relationship,
  47. he loves his girl,
  48. but he is cheating on the side
    with a married woman,
  49. and they are both in love together.
  50. And he does not know
    how he got himself in this situation.
  51. I say, "You know how
    you got yourself in this mess.
  52. You shifted your focus
    from your girl to someone else.
  53. You divided your
    attention and your emotions.
  54. Someone who used to hold
    the first priority on your heart
  55. no longer holds that position.
  56. That's how you got yourself in this mess.
  57. So what do you want to do?"
  58. He says he would like the married woman
    to be able to manage the situation.
  59. "What do you mean by this?"
  60. Well, every time the woman
    is with her husband,
  61. she always thinks about him,
  62. and he does not want
    the husband to get suspicious
  63. so that he does not stop the affair.
  64. I'm like, "Wait a minute!
  65. So you want to continue having
    this affair with this woman?"
  66. He says, "Yes."
  67. I say, "Really?
  68. How would your girlfriend
    feel about this?
  69. Put yourself in her shoes.
  70. You have a boyfriend who says
    he is happy with you,
  71. he is in love with you,
  72. but at the same time,
  73. he is cheating with someone else
    that he is falling in love with.
  74. Can you actually love two people
    at the same time?"
  75. He says,
  76. "I don't want any changes.
  77. I just want the situation
    to remain the same.
  78. I want to keep both women in my life."
  79. I say, "Wow!
  80. You are just like McDonald's slogan:
  81. you are lovin' it.
  82. Aren't you?"
  83. Love is powerful.
  84. According to a survey,
  85. about 9 out of 10 Americans
  86. cited love as an important
    factor to get married.
  87. Past statistics show
    that 50% of first marriages,
  88. 67% of second marriages
  89. and a stagering high
    of 73% of third marriages
  90. end in divorce.
  91. The question is,
  92. If love is an important factor
  93. that influences people to get married,
  94. how come it does not hold the marriage?
  95. How come it does not hold
    the relationship together?
  96. When we examine love in a break up,
  97. I believe one of three
    things has happened.
  98. It's either: one,
  99. there was no love at the beginning
    of the relationship to start with;
  100. two,
  101. there was something bigger than the love
    that broke the relationship;
  102. or three,
  103. the love declined.
  104. I can understand when you feel
    like your love is depreciating
  105. and you tell your partner,
    "I just don't love you right now,"
  106. especially, when you are
    having a meal together
  107. and your partner becomes
    inquisitive to ask why
  108. because he just ate
    the last piece of the pie -
  109. "If you loved me,
    you would let me have it."
  110. That's what you say. Right, ladies?
  111. At the same token,
  112. I believe there is nothing
    bigger than love
  113. that can break a relationship -
  114. absolutely nothing -
  115. if the couple truly loves each other.
  116. And that is what I want
    to talk to you about today:
  117. true love.
  118. There are different types
    of love out there.
  119. You have the philia love,
  120. which is brotherly love.
  121. It is what you share with your family,
    friends or colleagues.
  122. Another one is eros.
  123. It is a sexual type of love.
  124. It gives the feelings of arousal.
  125. This is what you feel
  126. when you see a beautiful
    sexy person just walking past,
  127. and you are like,
    "Oh, oh ma ma ma ma ma."
  128. You cannot stop looking at them.
  129. You cannot hold yourself together.
  130. You begin to fantasise and have all kinds
    of imagination about that person.
  131. You are having eros type of love.
  132. The next one is what
    Mary J. Blige calls "real love."
  133. You all know the song! "Real love,
    oh I’m searching for a real love,
  134. someone to make
    my heart feel real love."
  135. And we are still trying to understand
    what she meant by "real love."
  136. You see, all these types of love
    cannot sustain a relationship.
  137. They cannot hold a relationship together.
  138. But true love,
  139. which the Bible also
    describes as agape love,
  140. can hold a relationship together,
  141. can keep a relationship for a long haul.
  142. What is true love?
  143. True love is passionate love.
  144. You have two independent words,
    passion and love,
  145. fused together to make
    a strong definition.
  146. Passion is the force that drives
    the love for something;
  147. it is the flow that keeps love going.
  148. Love without passion is
    like a body without a soul.
  149. It is like a car without an engine.
  150. No movement would happen.
  151. And just in case you are wondering
  152. how you can tell
    if someone truly loves you
  153. or if you truly love someone:
  154. sacrifice.
  155. Sacrifice for one another would indicate
    if you truly loved each other.
  156. And sacrifice is giving up something
  157. for another thing
    that is far more important.
  158. Just like giving up that piece of pie
    for your girl that is far more important.
  159. Or it is the release
    of something in your possession
  160. in an exchange for another
    thing that you love.
  161. This is exactly what God did
  162. when he released and sacrificed
    his only son, Jesus,
  163. just to have us.
  164. "For God so loved the world
    that He gave His only begotten Son,
  165. that whoever believes in Him will not
    perish but have everlasting life."
  166. God demostrated true love -
  167. agape love.
  168. Love filled with passion and sacrifice.
  169. I had an opportunity
    to demonstrate my true love.
  170. I was in college,
  171. I enjoyed galvanizing
    people for networking,
  172. and I did this by throwing parties.
  173. And if you know one thing
    about throwing parties,
  174. the more women you have there,
    the more men want to come in,
  175. spend money at the bar,
    buy drinks, buy bottles.
  176. So my goal, every time,
    is to have as many ladies at the party.
  177. This, however, opens the door
    to always have women around me.
  178. I remember after throwing a party,
  179. three women that do not know each other
  180. say they want to spend
    the night at my house.
  181. They wake up in the morning,
  182. one begins to feed me breakfast.
  183. The second one gets jealous.
  184. She goes into the kitchen. Grabs food.
    Comes back. She starts to feed me.
  185. The third one looking like,
    "This is crazy.
  186. Should I join the party or what?"
  187. I am thinking to myself,
    "It's all a dream."
  188. But no, it's a reality.
  189. I'm like Hugh Hefner
    up in my house with the bunnies.
  190. But that reality was short-lived,
  191. as I meet a girl
    that I am truly in love with,
  192. and she is truly
    in love with me as well.
  193. But she does not like
    the lifestyle that I am living.
  194. She does not want to compete
    with any other woman.
  195. This is a deal breaker for her,
  196. and, of course, it is
    an odd situation for me
  197. because that means that I am going to have
    to give up throwing parties
  198. and spending time with other women
  199. so that I can have and keep her.
  200. So I begin to analyse the situation.
  201. What am I going to do?
  202. Who or what should I pick?
  203. Her over them or them over her?
  204. This is my kairos moment.
  205. My moment of decision.
  206. This is where true love
    and sacrifice come into play.
  207. So I made a decision and a sacrifice
  208. to give up both throwing parties
    and spending time with other women
  209. so that I can have and keep this girl
    that I am truly in love with.
  210. A few years later,
  211. we got married and we have two beautiful
    amazing children together.
  212. You see, true love
    is the only type of love
  213. that can keep and sustain a relationship.
  214. It will help you to make
    the ultimate sacrifice,
  215. to give up playing games,
    quit destructive habits
  216. and seek counselling when you can
    to acquire tools and knowledge
  217. in order for you to have
    a healthy relationship.
  218. Because of the love problems
    that people are having
  219. is the reason why I wrote my book,
  220. "Revelations of Relationship -
  221. What you don't know about finding true
    love and sustaining relationship."
  222. I want to admonish you all
  223. to find and practice true love
    in your relationship.
  224. Cheers to your improvement.
  225. (Applause)