WEBVTT 00:00:09.611 --> 00:00:11.185 By show of hands, 00:00:11.187 --> 00:00:14.501 How many of you have ever gotten in a relationship 00:00:14.503 --> 00:00:17.003 because you felt that you were in love? 00:00:19.169 --> 00:00:20.359 Very good! 00:00:21.568 --> 00:00:25.798 How many have ever broken up and said to the person, 00:00:26.304 --> 00:00:27.934 "You don't deserve me." 00:00:30.476 --> 00:00:31.476 Ah-ha! 00:00:32.219 --> 00:00:33.309 "As a matter of fact, 00:00:33.309 --> 00:00:36.609 I don't even know how I fell in love with you in the first place." 00:00:37.729 --> 00:00:38.738 Oh, I know. 00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:40.820 You were drunk in love, right? 00:00:42.767 --> 00:00:45.757 In my line of field, as a relationship coach, 00:00:46.622 --> 00:00:49.957 clients come to me with their love problems. 00:00:50.896 --> 00:00:54.776 One client wants me to evaluate her relationship. 00:00:55.836 --> 00:00:59.836 She's been with her boyfriend for over four years. 00:01:00.331 --> 00:01:04.331 There is no promise ring, no engagement ring, 00:01:05.173 --> 00:01:07.483 no conversation about wedding. 00:01:08.106 --> 00:01:09.622 And on top of it, 00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:12.349 he is cheating on her. 00:01:14.035 --> 00:01:15.605 She wants to know 00:01:15.780 --> 00:01:18.250 if she should continue with the relationship 00:01:18.610 --> 00:01:20.570 or kick the guy to the curb. 00:01:21.818 --> 00:01:26.208 So, I ask her, "How many times has he cheated on you?" 00:01:27.281 --> 00:01:29.791 She says, "At least four times." 00:01:31.012 --> 00:01:33.772 When a lady says "at least four times," 00:01:34.179 --> 00:01:35.879 multiply that by two. 00:01:36.033 --> 00:01:37.473 It's eight times. 00:01:38.476 --> 00:01:39.876 "Do you love him?" 00:01:41.156 --> 00:01:43.066 "Yes," she replies. 00:01:43.810 --> 00:01:45.420 "Does he love you?" 00:01:45.963 --> 00:01:47.513 "He says he does, 00:01:47.766 --> 00:01:49.886 but his action does not show it." 00:01:50.455 --> 00:01:52.285 "What action specifically?" 00:01:52.655 --> 00:01:53.935 "The cheating." 00:01:55.356 --> 00:01:57.576 "If you loved someone, 00:01:58.429 --> 00:02:00.589 would you cheat on them? 00:02:03.152 --> 00:02:05.412 If you truly loved someone, 00:02:05.843 --> 00:02:07.483 would you cheat on them 00:02:07.684 --> 00:02:09.477 at least four times 00:02:10.341 --> 00:02:11.971 multiplied by two?" 00:02:14.057 --> 00:02:15.497 She says, "No." 00:02:16.260 --> 00:02:19.150 Well, if your answer is "no," then you know what to do. 00:02:20.421 --> 00:02:24.983 True love that is not backed up by the right action 00:02:24.995 --> 00:02:26.565 is not true love. 00:02:28.109 --> 00:02:30.309 Another client says 00:02:30.309 --> 00:02:32.373 he is happy in his relationship, 00:02:33.556 --> 00:02:35.256 he loves his girl, 00:02:35.986 --> 00:02:41.119 but he is cheating on the side with a married woman, 00:02:42.086 --> 00:02:44.346 and they are both in love together. 00:02:44.653 --> 00:02:48.563 And he does not know how he got himself in this situation. 00:02:49.189 --> 00:02:52.209 I say, "You know how you got yourself in this mess. 00:02:53.071 --> 00:02:57.661 You shifted your focus from your girl to someone else. 00:02:58.535 --> 00:03:01.535 You divided your attention and your emotions. 00:03:02.483 --> 00:03:05.967 Someone who used to hold the first priority on your heart 00:03:06.326 --> 00:03:08.586 no longer holds that position. 00:03:08.593 --> 00:03:12.043 That's how you got yourself in this mess. 00:03:13.148 --> 00:03:15.218 So what do you want to do?" 00:03:16.029 --> 00:03:21.512 He says he would like the married woman to be able to manage the situation. 00:03:22.092 --> 00:03:24.182 "What do you mean by this?" 00:03:24.788 --> 00:03:28.762 Well, every time the woman is with her husband, 00:03:29.119 --> 00:03:31.229 she always thinks about him, 00:03:31.802 --> 00:03:35.940 and he does not want the husband to get suspicious 00:03:35.940 --> 00:03:38.860 so that he does not stop the affair. 00:03:39.247 --> 00:03:41.357 I'm like, "Wait a minute! 00:03:41.363 --> 00:03:44.593 So you want to continue having this affair with this woman?" 00:03:44.877 --> 00:03:46.267 He says, "Yes." 00:03:46.280 --> 00:03:47.600 I say, "Really? 00:03:49.752 --> 00:03:53.235 How would your girlfriend feel about this? 00:03:54.458 --> 00:03:57.438 Put yourself in her shoes. 00:03:58.134 --> 00:04:02.734 You have a boyfriend who says he is happy with you, 00:04:03.003 --> 00:04:04.703 he is in love with you, 00:04:04.703 --> 00:04:06.771 but at the same time, 00:04:06.771 --> 00:04:11.408 he is cheating with someone else that he is falling in love with. 00:04:12.201 --> 00:04:15.451 Can you actually love two people at the same time?" 00:04:16.531 --> 00:04:17.451 He says, 00:04:17.451 --> 00:04:19.404 "I don't want any changes. 00:04:19.404 --> 00:04:21.740 I just want the situation to remain the same. 00:04:21.744 --> 00:04:24.524 I want to keep both women in my life." 00:04:24.749 --> 00:04:26.689 I say, "Wow! 00:04:27.534 --> 00:04:29.898 You are just like McDonald's slogan: 00:04:29.898 --> 00:04:31.238 you are lovin' it. 00:04:31.241 --> 00:04:32.338 Aren't you?" 00:04:34.498 --> 00:04:36.158 Love is powerful. 00:04:36.925 --> 00:04:39.029 According to a survey, 00:04:39.888 --> 00:04:42.808 about 9 out of 10 Americans 00:04:42.808 --> 00:04:46.958 cited love as an important factor to get married. 00:04:48.818 --> 00:04:55.261 Past statistics show that 50% of first marriages, 00:04:56.332 --> 00:04:59.942 67% of second marriages 00:05:00.103 --> 00:05:05.249 and a stagering high of 73% of third marriages 00:05:05.339 --> 00:05:07.239 end in divorce. 00:05:08.489 --> 00:05:09.819 The question is, 00:05:10.218 --> 00:05:13.418 If love is an important factor 00:05:13.418 --> 00:05:16.983 that influences people to get married, 00:05:16.991 --> 00:05:20.621 how come it does not hold the marriage? 00:05:21.160 --> 00:05:25.200 How come it does not hold the relationship together? 00:05:27.064 --> 00:05:30.203 When we examine love in a break up, 00:05:31.336 --> 00:05:33.918 I believe one of three things has happened. 00:05:34.856 --> 00:05:36.596 It's either: one, 00:05:36.596 --> 00:05:40.283 there was no love at the beginning of the relationship to start with; 00:05:41.543 --> 00:05:42.793 two, 00:05:42.793 --> 00:05:46.794 there was something bigger than the love that broke the relationship; 00:05:47.830 --> 00:05:48.850 or three, 00:05:48.853 --> 00:05:50.753 the love declined. 00:05:51.772 --> 00:05:56.372 I can understand when you feel like your love is depreciating 00:05:57.235 --> 00:06:01.000 and you tell your partner, "I just don't love you right now," 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:03.728 especially, when you are having a meal together 00:06:04.511 --> 00:06:07.728 and your partner becomes inquisitive to ask why 00:06:08.103 --> 00:06:11.693 because he just ate the last piece of the pie - 00:06:11.962 --> 00:06:14.829 "If you loved me, you would let me have it." 00:06:16.017 --> 00:06:18.437 That's what you say. Right, ladies? 00:06:19.993 --> 00:06:21.506 At the same token, 00:06:22.405 --> 00:06:26.275 I believe there is nothing bigger than love 00:06:26.282 --> 00:06:28.482 that can break a relationship - 00:06:28.482 --> 00:06:30.411 absolutely nothing - 00:06:30.444 --> 00:06:35.087 if the couple truly loves each other. 00:06:36.201 --> 00:06:38.591 And that is what I want to talk to you about today: 00:06:38.591 --> 00:06:40.153 true love. 00:06:40.588 --> 00:06:42.796 There are different types of love out there. 00:06:43.434 --> 00:06:45.439 You have the philia love, 00:06:45.446 --> 00:06:47.676 which is brotherly love. 00:06:47.676 --> 00:06:52.106 It is what you share with your family, friends or colleagues. 00:06:53.050 --> 00:06:55.174 Another one is eros. 00:06:56.107 --> 00:06:58.235 It is a sexual type of love. 00:06:58.787 --> 00:07:01.275 It gives the feelings of arousal. 00:07:02.105 --> 00:07:04.161 This is what you feel 00:07:04.176 --> 00:07:08.416 when you see a beautiful sexy person just walking past, 00:07:09.717 --> 00:07:15.517 and you are like, "Oh, oh ma ma ma ma ma." 00:07:16.840 --> 00:07:19.218 You cannot stop looking at them. 00:07:19.950 --> 00:07:22.382 You cannot hold yourself together. 00:07:22.910 --> 00:07:27.010 You begin to fantasise and have all kinds of imagination about that person. 00:07:27.542 --> 00:07:31.405 You are having eros type of love. 00:07:31.931 --> 00:07:36.801 The next one is what Mary J. Blige calls "real love." 00:07:37.143 --> 00:07:42.533 You all know the song! "Real love, oh I’m searching for a real love, 00:07:42.581 --> 00:07:46.581 someone to make my heart feel real love." 00:07:48.101 --> 00:07:52.016 And we are still trying to understand what she meant by "real love." 00:07:53.024 --> 00:07:57.685 You see, all these types of love cannot sustain a relationship. 00:07:58.332 --> 00:08:00.925 They cannot hold a relationship together. 00:08:01.169 --> 00:08:03.089 But true love, 00:08:03.089 --> 00:08:07.282 which the Bible also describes as agape love, 00:08:07.282 --> 00:08:09.662 can hold a relationship together, 00:08:09.674 --> 00:08:12.844 can keep a relationship for a long haul. 00:08:13.646 --> 00:08:15.126 What is true love? 00:08:15.916 --> 00:08:18.906 True love is passionate love. 00:08:19.613 --> 00:08:24.404 You have two independent words, passion and love, 00:08:24.404 --> 00:08:28.534 fused together to make a strong definition. 00:08:29.297 --> 00:08:35.787 Passion is the force that drives the love for something; 00:08:36.349 --> 00:08:39.907 it is the flow that keeps love going. 00:08:40.567 --> 00:08:45.707 Love without passion is like a body without a soul. 00:08:47.278 --> 00:08:50.368 It is like a car without an engine. 00:08:50.864 --> 00:08:53.458 No movement would happen. 00:08:54.083 --> 00:08:57.103 And just in case you are wondering 00:08:57.106 --> 00:09:01.446 how you can tell if someone truly loves you 00:09:01.932 --> 00:09:04.097 or if you truly love someone: 00:09:04.761 --> 00:09:06.475 sacrifice. 00:09:07.321 --> 00:09:13.051 Sacrifice for one another would indicate if you truly loved each other. 00:09:13.512 --> 00:09:16.772 And sacrifice is giving up something 00:09:17.147 --> 00:09:20.032 for another thing that is far more important. 00:09:20.902 --> 00:09:26.212 Just like giving up that piece of pie for your girl that is far more important. 00:09:28.070 --> 00:09:32.930 Or it is the release of something in your possession 00:09:32.939 --> 00:09:36.175 in an exchange for another thing that you love. 00:09:36.769 --> 00:09:39.113 This is exactly what God did 00:09:39.449 --> 00:09:43.937 when he released and sacrificed his only son, Jesus, 00:09:43.937 --> 00:09:45.767 just to have us. 00:09:46.153 --> 00:09:50.891 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, 00:09:51.237 --> 00:09:57.607 that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." 00:09:58.255 --> 00:10:02.428 God demostrated true love - 00:10:03.205 --> 00:10:04.712 agape love. 00:10:04.714 --> 00:10:08.578 Love filled with passion and sacrifice. 00:10:09.928 --> 00:10:13.718 I had an opportunity to demonstrate my true love. 00:10:14.384 --> 00:10:15.864 I was in college, 00:10:16.953 --> 00:10:20.195 I enjoyed galvanizing people for networking, 00:10:20.856 --> 00:10:23.544 and I did this by throwing parties. 00:10:24.049 --> 00:10:26.399 And if you know one thing about throwing parties, 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:29.641 the more women you have there, the more men want to come in, 00:10:29.641 --> 00:10:33.671 spend money at the bar, buy drinks, buy bottles. 00:10:34.153 --> 00:10:38.733 So my goal, every time, is to have as many ladies at the party. 00:10:39.693 --> 00:10:45.343 This, however, opens the door to always have women around me. 00:10:46.931 --> 00:10:49.631 I remember after throwing a party, 00:10:50.389 --> 00:10:52.408 three women that do not know each other 00:10:52.408 --> 00:10:54.904 say they want to spend the night at my house. 00:10:55.812 --> 00:10:57.678 They wake up in the morning, 00:10:58.431 --> 00:11:01.213 one begins to feed me breakfast. 00:11:02.328 --> 00:11:04.228 The second one gets jealous. 00:11:04.237 --> 00:11:08.237 She goes into the kitchen. Grabs food. Comes back. She starts to feed me. 00:11:08.890 --> 00:11:11.105 The third one looking like, "This is crazy. 00:11:11.501 --> 00:11:13.730 Should I join the party or what?" 00:11:14.505 --> 00:11:17.677 I am thinking to myself, "It's all a dream." 00:11:18.064 --> 00:11:20.065 But no, it's a reality. 00:11:20.470 --> 00:11:23.769 I'm like Hugh Hefner up in my house with the bunnies. 00:11:27.008 --> 00:11:29.768 But that reality was short-lived, 00:11:29.971 --> 00:11:33.971 as I meet a girl that I am truly in love with, 00:11:33.971 --> 00:11:36.684 and she is truly in love with me as well. 00:11:36.703 --> 00:11:41.593 But she does not like the lifestyle that I am living. 00:11:42.169 --> 00:11:45.192 She does not want to compete with any other woman. 00:11:45.847 --> 00:11:47.801 This is a deal breaker for her, 00:11:48.130 --> 00:11:50.570 and, of course, it is an odd situation for me 00:11:50.570 --> 00:11:53.860 because that means that I am going to have to give up throwing parties 00:11:53.860 --> 00:11:55.867 and spending time with other women 00:11:55.867 --> 00:11:59.011 so that I can have and keep her. 00:12:00.229 --> 00:12:02.889 So I begin to analyse the situation. 00:12:03.243 --> 00:12:04.827 What am I going to do? 00:12:05.010 --> 00:12:06.734 Who or what should I pick? 00:12:06.734 --> 00:12:10.724 Her over them or them over her? 00:12:12.311 --> 00:12:14.535 This is my kairos moment. 00:12:15.361 --> 00:12:17.187 My moment of decision. 00:12:17.886 --> 00:12:24.186 This is where true love and sacrifice come into play. 00:12:30.299 --> 00:12:34.474 So I made a decision and a sacrifice 00:12:35.244 --> 00:12:40.964 to give up both throwing parties and spending time with other women 00:12:41.452 --> 00:12:46.502 so that I can have and keep this girl that I am truly in love with. 00:12:48.348 --> 00:12:50.325 A few years later, 00:12:50.325 --> 00:12:55.475 we got married and we have two beautiful amazing children together. 00:12:56.889 --> 00:13:00.989 You see, true love is the only type of love 00:13:01.551 --> 00:13:04.861 that can keep and sustain a relationship. 00:13:05.391 --> 00:13:09.081 It will help you to make the ultimate sacrifice, 00:13:09.490 --> 00:13:14.200 to give up playing games, quit destructive habits 00:13:14.716 --> 00:13:20.338 and seek counselling when you can to acquire tools and knowledge 00:13:20.338 --> 00:13:22.898 in order for you to have a healthy relationship. 00:13:23.729 --> 00:13:27.049 Because of the love problems that people are having 00:13:27.049 --> 00:13:29.419 is the reason why I wrote my book, 00:13:29.959 --> 00:13:32.258 "Revelations of Relationship - 00:13:32.859 --> 00:13:37.519 What you don't know about finding true love and sustaining relationship." 00:13:38.752 --> 00:13:41.242 I want to admonish you all 00:13:41.242 --> 00:13:46.087 to find and practice true love in your relationship. 00:13:46.361 --> 00:13:48.423 Cheers to your improvement. 00:13:48.844 --> 00:13:51.695 (Applause)