Don't co-sign craziness: unforgiveness is making you sick | Dr. Monique Walker | TEDxColoradoSprings

Unforgiveness has been discovered to be one of many culprits behind the decline in mental and physical health that many people face today. The antidote to unforgiveness is forgiveness. Find out how to activate the power of forgiveness to reclaim your health and life.

Dr. Monique Walker is a medical doctor, professional speaker, women transformational coach and business consultant who has been in healthcare for over 15 years. She is also a wife and mother who is passionate about her family. She is a survivor of domestic violence and childhood abuse. Her life’s work is to help women find their voices, redefine their lives and live in their purpose on purpose.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx.

The sting of offense
is breathtakingly painful,

overwhelmingly confusing

and can last a very long time:

weeks, months or even years.

When someone hurts you,

it manifests as disappointment,

pain, anger, bitterness or even hatred.

Has anyone besides me
ever felt the sting of offense?

For some people,

when someone does something
that offends them,

that person is placed
in the "enemy" category,

which gives rise to a condition
called unforgiveness.

According to a study
done by Johns Hopkins Medicine,

one of the leading healthcare systems
in the United States,

being hurt and disappointed
for long periods of time

leads to a condition called chronic anger.

And chronic anger places a person

in a continuous state of fight or flight,

which increases their risk for diseases

such as heart disease, depression
and other diseases including diabetes.

That makes me wonder how many people
have unforgiveness and chronic anger

as the underlying source to these diseases
that I get to see as a doctor.

There's this famous quote
by Nelson Mandela, which says,

"Resentment is like drinking poison

and then hoping
that it will kill your enemies."

And this is especially true
for a young lady by the name of Janel.

You see, she drank
lethal amounts of poison,

hoping that it will kill her enemies.

And the question is,

What kind of pain

could a little girl have gone through

that will cause her
to harbor such unforgiveness?

Well, I'm going to tell you.

Janel was a very angry adolescent.

She was filled with self-hate,
unforgiveness.

You see, when she was in second grade,

she had a babysitter

that did the unthinkable to her.

Her mother left her with this babysitter,

as babysitters are supposed
to be trustworthy,

they're supposed to be protective,

they're supposed to make sure
that that child is kept safe.

But this guy had a different agenda.

You see, every time he had
an opportunity alone with Janel,

he abused his authority

and took advantage
of her tiny, premature body.

Confused, ashamed, afraid,

Janel never shared
her experiences with anyone,

so the seed of hatred was planted in her,

and now it was sprouting
in her adolescent years.

See, she was now filled with unforgiveness
because she unable to change her past.

Her mother, unwilling to find out
what was going on with Janel,

decided to send her
to live with a complete stranger.

She sent Janel to live with her father,

a father that had been absent
her entire life,

and neither her mother
nor Janel knew this man.

But the thing is,
when she arrived in his home,

instead of looking at her
as his little girl,

he looked at her as a sex object.

And he did things to her
that I dare not say on this stage.

I beg to say that they
were totally inappropriate

for a father to do to a daughter.

But you see, Janel
had mastered keeping secrets,

so this was just another secret
to add to her closet of skeletons.

One thing about her, though,

is that she was very brilliant
and very decisive,

and she came up with this plan
to get out of her father's home,

and she was successful.

And she ended up
back home with her mother.

However, when she got back home,

she was filled with even more self-hate,

more anger,

and she became outright rebellious.

Within months of being home,
Janel found herself pregnant.

And can you believe that her mother

was not willing to investigate
what was going on with her child?

So once again, she ejected Janel
out of the home and told her,

"It's time to figure out life
all on your own."

So here you have a teenage girl,
abused, mentally disturbed,

no income, a baby

and homeless.

Fast-forward.

Janel's now a young adult
with a school-age child,

and she meets a gentleman that she trusts,
and they build a friendship.

She confides her secrets in him.

She tells him about
her childhood experiences.

This gentleman appeared to be
a very loving and supportive friend,

and so eventually, they developed
an intimate relationship

and started a family of their own.

However, that family fell apart over time

because Janel's brokenness
and her unresolved issues

and all that self-hate

became a perfect magnet for an abuser.

Janel found herself
in the perpetual cycle of abuse,

going round and round.

The cycle of abuse is a theory
that was founded in 1979

by Dr. Lenore Walker,

and what it captures
is the pattern of behaviors

that happen in an abusive relationship.

Janel held onto the honeymoon phase.

That's the phase where everything
is nice and calm,

but soon she was on a roller-coaster ride

because the tension would start to build,

and as the tension built,
she knew what was next:

an explosion.

A big incident would happen,

and then it would be reconciliation,
the apologies and the gifts.

And she found herself
going round and round,

holding onto the honeymoon period.

Hmm.

But the abuser would
just always remind her

of his judgment
of her father's transgressions.

He would always remind her

that he was the only person
that was capable of loving her.

Besides, her mother abandoned her
and her father hurt her so deeply.

One night during a specific explosion,

the abuser started to barrage Janel
with all of these insults.

He reminded her of the details
of what she had confided in him

and of his judgment
of what her father had done.

And as he's throwing insults,
using obscenities, vulgar language -

a lot of anger and rage towards her -

she sat there in agreement with him
with tears in her eyes.

She believed him.

But this incident was different, you see,

because right across
the hall, in the room,

her school-age son was awake.

He was afraid.

He was confused about what he was hearing.

And the next morning when they woke up,
he went to confront his mom.

He told her what he heard
and asked about it.

And that confrontation
rocked her to the core.

In that instance, Janel realized
that she had to do something.

You see, she's a loving mother.

She loved her child.

And loving mothers
will do for their children

what they will not do for themselves.

In that instance, she knew
that she had to start by forgiving herself

for putting her child
in such a toxic situation

and forgiving herself for allowing herself
to be there as well.

So that started
the process of forgiveness.

She started by forgiving herself
for harboring such self-hate,

for not taking time to love herself

and for allowing it
to trickle down to her baby.

And when she unleashed
the power of forgiveness,

she realized, "Wait a minute.
I'm totally toxic."

That was her thoughts.

She thought, "I have other people
that I need to forgive

because I am now hostage
to unforgiveness."

And there were three people in particular
that she needed to forgive.

Number one, the babysitter,

number two, her mom

and number three, her dad.

First, she went through the process
of forgiving the babysitter.

Unfortunately, she couldn't contact him,

but she still went through the process
of forgiveness for him.

The second person was her mom.

She called her mom up
and expressed forgiveness for her mom.

However, their relationship
was irreconcilable.

Now the third call.

The most difficult one.

She called her dad,

but to her surprise,

he was far more receptive
than she expected.

He actually changed his actions
and his behaviors towards her

and for once,

spoke to her the way that a father
is supposed to speak to a daughter,

with such love, honor and respect.

You see, her father's remorsefulness

became a magnet for Janel

to be receptive to his words of wisdom

and to reconcile their relationship.

There was another explosion in her home,

and she started talking to her father

about the things
that she was experiencing,

and then she spoke to her father
about the details of what had occurred.

He offered her words of wisdom
that he had learned in Sunday school.

He said to her,

"Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It doesn't envy.

It doesn't boast.

It isn't proud.

It doesn't dishonor others.

It is not self-seeking.

It isn't easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrong.

It does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects,
always trusts, always hopes

and always perseveres.

Love never fails."

And in that moment,

a light switch went on in Janel's mind.

She knew that it was time
for her to get out

with all six of her babies.

She knew that what she was experiencing
was the complete opposite of love.

Janel's willingness to forgive her father

and his attitude change
and his change of actions towards her

saved not only her life
but the life of her children as well.

There's great power in forgiveness,

great power in forgiveness.

So let's start by talking
about what forgiveness is not.

Because what forgiveness is not -

it's not co-signing craziness,

it's not condoning bad behavior
when somebody does something that's wrong,

and it's not even
reconciliation of relationship.

In this odd instance, though,

Janel and her father
were able to reconcile.

Then it leaves me to wonder,

What is forgiveness then?

Forgiveness is a personal process

that each person goes through
at their own pace.

It's a journey.

It's a process of acknowledging
that, yes, the offense did happen,

this did occur.

It's laying it all out on the table,
looking at it and saying,

"Yes, this did occur,
but it doesn't define who I am."

Then, taking the occurrence
and grieving it,

going through the grief process

with the hopes to arrive
at this place called acceptance,

accepting that there's no looking back,

can't change it.

And then, finally, letting go.

Letting go of all expectations
of that relationship.

Letting go so that you can
move forward with your life

to be the best version of you,

so that you can live
your life with purpose.

According to that same study
that I mentioned earlier,

by Johns Hopkins,

forgiveness has many health benefits:

decrease in blood pressure,

decrease in stress levels -
who can use some of that, yeah?

Yeah.

It also boosts your immune system.

It gives you mental clarity.

And it helps you to focus
on this moment every moment,

as you are no longer preoccupied

with thoughts of the past incident,

over and over replaying in your minds.

There is great power in forgiveness.

Janel.

What a powerful story.

Do you want to know what happened to her?

She's standing right here,
on this TEDx stage,

(Applause) (Cheering)

sharing her story with you.

My name is Monique Janel Walker.

I am married to an amazing man
with eight amazing children

and on top of that, a medical degree.

(Cheering) (Applause)

I now help women find their voices,

redefine their lives

and live in their purpose on purpose.

I am Janel.

(Applause)