0:00:19.098,0:00:22.641
The sting of offense[br]is breathtakingly painful,

0:00:22.781,0:00:24.826
overwhelmingly confusing

0:00:25.016,0:00:27.268
and can last a very long time:

0:00:27.638,0:00:31.063
weeks, months or even years.

0:00:31.681,0:00:33.581
When someone hurts you,

0:00:33.631,0:00:38.175
it manifests as disappointment,

0:00:38.425,0:00:43.521
pain, anger, bitterness or even hatred.

0:00:44.181,0:00:47.527
Has anyone besides me[br]ever felt the sting of offense?

0:00:51.286,0:00:52.415
For some people,

0:00:52.415,0:00:55.215
when someone does something[br]that offends them,

0:00:55.215,0:00:57.941
that person is placed[br]in the "enemy" category,

0:00:58.181,0:01:01.844
which gives rise to a condition[br]called unforgiveness.

0:01:03.556,0:01:06.898
According to a study[br]done by Johns Hopkins Medicine,

0:01:06.898,0:01:09.862
one of the leading healthcare systems[br]in the United States,

0:01:10.732,0:01:14.378
being hurt and disappointed[br]for long periods of time

0:01:15.298,0:01:18.388
leads to a condition called chronic anger.

0:01:19.278,0:01:23.482
And chronic anger places a person

0:01:23.592,0:01:26.210
in a continuous state of fight or flight,

0:01:26.320,0:01:29.352
which increases their risk for diseases

0:01:29.352,0:01:36.060
such as heart disease, depression[br]and other diseases including diabetes.

0:01:38.245,0:01:43.071
That makes me wonder how many people[br]have unforgiveness and chronic anger

0:01:43.441,0:01:48.770
as the underlying source to these diseases[br]that I get to see as a doctor.

0:01:49.878,0:01:54.029
There's this famous quote[br]by Nelson Mandela, which says,

0:01:54.129,0:01:56.362
"Resentment is like drinking poison

0:01:56.362,0:01:59.227
and then hoping[br]that it will kill your enemies."

0:01:59.634,0:02:04.544
And this is especially true[br]for a young lady by the name of Janel.

0:02:06.211,0:02:08.804
You see, she drank[br]lethal amounts of poison,

0:02:08.804,0:02:11.517
hoping that it will kill her enemies.

0:02:11.917,0:02:13.441
And the question is,

0:02:13.461,0:02:14.710
What kind of pain

0:02:14.710,0:02:16.492
could a little girl have gone through

0:02:16.492,0:02:19.827
that will cause her[br]to harbor such unforgiveness?

0:02:20.543,0:02:22.426
Well, I'm going to tell you.

0:02:23.593,0:02:25.843
Janel was a very angry adolescent.

0:02:25.843,0:02:30.289
She was filled with self-hate,[br]unforgiveness.

0:02:31.677,0:02:33.659
You see, when she was in second grade,

0:02:33.659,0:02:35.467
she had a babysitter

0:02:35.767,0:02:37.876
that did the unthinkable to her.

0:02:41.316,0:02:43.992
Her mother left her with this babysitter,

0:02:44.442,0:02:47.088
as babysitters are supposed[br]to be trustworthy,

0:02:47.088,0:02:48.758
they're supposed to be protective,

0:02:48.758,0:02:51.591
they're supposed to make sure[br]that that child is kept safe.

0:02:51.591,0:02:54.063
But this guy had a different agenda.

0:02:54.623,0:02:58.060
You see, every time he had[br]an opportunity alone with Janel,

0:02:58.390,0:03:00.041
he abused his authority

0:03:00.041,0:03:03.258
and took advantage[br]of her tiny, premature body.

0:03:03.642,0:03:05.588
Confused, ashamed, afraid,

0:03:05.638,0:03:09.619
Janel never shared[br]her experiences with anyone,

0:03:10.159,0:03:13.166
so the seed of hatred was planted in her,

0:03:14.406,0:03:18.491
and now it was sprouting[br]in her adolescent years.

0:03:20.645,0:03:25.183
See, she was now filled with unforgiveness[br]because she unable to change her past.

0:03:26.207,0:03:29.837
Her mother, unwilling to find out[br]what was going on with Janel,

0:03:31.347,0:03:35.289
decided to send her[br]to live with a complete stranger.

0:03:40.323,0:03:42.706
She sent Janel to live with her father,

0:03:42.706,0:03:45.204
a father that had been absent[br]her entire life,

0:03:45.204,0:03:47.947
and neither her mother[br]nor Janel knew this man.

0:03:49.105,0:03:51.909
But the thing is,[br]when she arrived in his home,

0:03:52.189,0:03:55.303
instead of looking at her[br]as his little girl,

0:03:56.304,0:03:59.322
he looked at her as a sex object.

0:04:00.221,0:04:03.659
And he did things to her[br]that I dare not say on this stage.

0:04:04.339,0:04:06.882
I beg to say that they[br]were totally inappropriate

0:04:06.882,0:04:09.258
for a father to do to a daughter.

0:04:12.671,0:04:15.438
But you see, Janel[br]had mastered keeping secrets,

0:04:15.438,0:04:19.603
so this was just another secret[br]to add to her closet of skeletons.

0:04:24.622,0:04:25.953
One thing about her, though,

0:04:25.953,0:04:28.244
is that she was very brilliant[br]and very decisive,

0:04:28.244,0:04:31.192
and she came up with this plan[br]to get out of her father's home,

0:04:31.192,0:04:32.370
and she was successful.

0:04:32.370,0:04:34.738
And she ended up[br]back home with her mother.

0:04:37.868,0:04:39.394
However, when she got back home,

0:04:39.394,0:04:41.390
she was filled with even more self-hate,

0:04:41.390,0:04:42.819
more anger,

0:04:44.259,0:04:47.236
and she became outright rebellious.

0:04:47.576,0:04:51.896
Within months of being home,[br]Janel found herself pregnant.

0:04:53.069,0:04:56.187
And can you believe that her mother

0:04:56.187,0:05:00.302
was not willing to investigate[br]what was going on with her child?

0:05:02.935,0:05:07.019
So once again, she ejected Janel[br]out of the home and told her,

0:05:07.019,0:05:09.839
"It's time to figure out life[br]all on your own."

0:05:10.369,0:05:16.920
So here you have a teenage girl,[br]abused, mentally disturbed,

0:05:17.220,0:05:19.782
no income, a baby

0:05:20.582,0:05:22.165
and homeless.

0:05:25.753,0:05:27.195
Fast-forward.

0:05:27.285,0:05:30.152
Janel's now a young adult[br]with a school-age child,

0:05:30.152,0:05:34.417
and she meets a gentleman that she trusts,[br]and they build a friendship.

0:05:34.985,0:05:37.085
She confides her secrets in him.

0:05:37.085,0:05:39.935
She tells him about[br]her childhood experiences.

0:05:41.866,0:05:46.023
This gentleman appeared to be[br]a very loving and supportive friend,

0:05:46.483,0:05:49.251
and so eventually, they developed[br]an intimate relationship

0:05:49.251,0:05:51.565
and started a family of their own.

0:05:52.117,0:05:54.993
However, that family fell apart over time

0:05:55.373,0:05:59.466
because Janel's brokenness[br]and her unresolved issues

0:05:59.466,0:06:01.318
and all that self-hate

0:06:01.518,0:06:05.500
became a perfect magnet for an abuser.

0:06:07.316,0:06:10.684
Janel found herself[br]in the perpetual cycle of abuse,

0:06:10.684,0:06:12.567
going round and round.

0:06:13.348,0:06:19.080
The cycle of abuse is a theory[br]that was founded in 1979

0:06:19.080,0:06:20.939
by Dr. Lenore Walker,

0:06:21.549,0:06:24.333
and what it captures[br]is the pattern of behaviors

0:06:24.333,0:06:27.172
that happen in an abusive relationship.

0:06:28.649,0:06:31.616
Janel held onto the honeymoon phase.

0:06:32.116,0:06:34.834
That's the phase where everything[br]is nice and calm,

0:06:35.064,0:06:37.348
but soon she was on a roller-coaster ride

0:06:37.348,0:06:39.481
because the tension would start to build,

0:06:39.481,0:06:41.917
and as the tension built,[br]she knew what was next:

0:06:42.258,0:06:43.528
an explosion.

0:06:44.013,0:06:46.318
A big incident would happen,

0:06:47.253,0:06:51.846
and then it would be reconciliation,[br]the apologies and the gifts.

0:06:53.383,0:06:55.597
And she found herself[br]going round and round,

0:06:55.597,0:06:58.481
holding onto the honeymoon period.

0:07:00.964,0:07:02.135
Hmm.

0:07:03.864,0:07:07.017
But the abuser would[br]just always remind her

0:07:07.347,0:07:11.278
of his judgment[br]of her father's transgressions.

0:07:11.597,0:07:13.440
He would always remind her

0:07:14.378,0:07:18.013
that he was the only person[br]that was capable of loving her.

0:07:18.413,0:07:24.529
Besides, her mother abandoned her[br]and her father hurt her so deeply.

0:07:30.629,0:07:33.427
One night during a specific explosion,

0:07:34.247,0:07:37.744
the abuser started to barrage Janel[br]with all of these insults.

0:07:38.025,0:07:42.518
He reminded her of the details[br]of what she had confided in him

0:07:42.628,0:07:45.499
and of his judgment[br]of what her father had done.

0:07:45.729,0:07:51.497
And as he's throwing insults,[br]using obscenities, vulgar language -

0:07:52.077,0:07:55.229
a lot of anger and rage towards her -

0:07:55.229,0:07:59.210
she sat there in agreement with him[br]with tears in her eyes.

0:08:04.061,0:08:05.745
She believed him.

0:08:07.027,0:08:09.094
But this incident was different, you see,

0:08:09.094,0:08:11.627
because right across[br]the hall, in the room,

0:08:11.627,0:08:13.695
her school-age son was awake.

0:08:13.695,0:08:15.209
He was afraid.

0:08:15.209,0:08:18.311
He was confused about what he was hearing.

0:08:19.291,0:08:24.368
And the next morning when they woke up,[br]he went to confront his mom.

0:08:25.577,0:08:28.643
He told her what he heard[br]and asked about it.

0:08:31.510,0:08:36.275
And that confrontation[br]rocked her to the core.

0:08:48.842,0:08:54.072
In that instance, Janel realized[br]that she had to do something.

0:08:54.454,0:08:56.391
You see, she's a loving mother.

0:08:56.891,0:08:58.658
She loved her child.

0:08:59.008,0:09:01.808
And loving mothers[br]will do for their children

0:09:01.808,0:09:04.020
what they will not do for themselves.

0:09:04.490,0:09:10.223
In that instance, she knew[br]that she had to start by forgiving herself

0:09:10.223,0:09:14.054
for putting her child[br]in such a toxic situation

0:09:14.224,0:09:17.584
and forgiving herself for allowing herself[br]to be there as well.

0:09:18.324,0:09:21.570
So that started[br]the process of forgiveness.

0:09:22.640,0:09:27.776
She started by forgiving herself[br]for harboring such self-hate,

0:09:28.066,0:09:30.699
for not taking time to love herself

0:09:32.259,0:09:34.933
and for allowing it[br]to trickle down to her baby.

0:09:39.156,0:09:42.005
And when she unleashed[br]the power of forgiveness,

0:09:42.405,0:09:45.835
she realized, "Wait a minute.[br]I'm totally toxic."

0:09:45.905,0:09:47.271
That was her thoughts.

0:09:47.271,0:09:50.944
She thought, "I have other people[br]that I need to forgive

0:09:51.804,0:09:55.588
because I am now hostage[br]to unforgiveness."

0:09:56.172,0:09:59.667
And there were three people in particular[br]that she needed to forgive.

0:09:59.987,0:10:02.221
Number one, the babysitter,

0:10:02.382,0:10:04.434
number two, her mom

0:10:04.634,0:10:06.871
and number three, her dad.

0:10:09.804,0:10:13.889
First, she went through the process[br]of forgiving the babysitter.

0:10:15.021,0:10:17.273
Unfortunately, she couldn't contact him,

0:10:17.273,0:10:20.412
but she still went through the process[br]of forgiveness for him.

0:10:22.038,0:10:24.111
The second person was her mom.

0:10:24.471,0:10:28.082
She called her mom up[br]and expressed forgiveness for her mom.

0:10:31.022,0:10:34.549
However, their relationship[br]was irreconcilable.

0:10:36.533,0:10:38.067
Now the third call.

0:10:40.686,0:10:42.423
The most difficult one.

0:10:42.644,0:10:44.342
She called her dad,

0:10:44.722,0:10:46.246
but to her surprise,

0:10:46.386,0:10:49.134
he was far more receptive[br]than she expected.

0:10:49.504,0:10:52.878
He actually changed his actions[br]and his behaviors towards her

0:10:52.948,0:10:54.078
and for once,

0:10:54.078,0:10:58.150
spoke to her the way that a father[br]is supposed to speak to a daughter,

0:10:58.260,0:11:01.836
with such love, honor and respect.

0:11:05.237,0:11:09.526
You see, her father's remorsefulness

0:11:09.776,0:11:12.706
became a magnet for Janel

0:11:12.936,0:11:16.675
to be receptive to his words of wisdom

0:11:17.325,0:11:19.918
and to reconcile their relationship.

0:11:28.914,0:11:31.334
There was another explosion in her home,

0:11:31.584,0:11:33.785
and she started talking to her father

0:11:33.785,0:11:36.421
about the things[br]that she was experiencing,

0:11:37.304,0:11:41.096
and then she spoke to her father[br]about the details of what had occurred.

0:11:41.436,0:11:46.182
He offered her words of wisdom[br]that he had learned in Sunday school.

0:11:47.270,0:11:48.739
He said to her,

0:11:49.402,0:11:50.898
"Love is patient.

0:11:51.251,0:11:52.825
Love is kind.

0:11:53.050,0:11:54.548
It doesn't envy.

0:11:54.834,0:11:56.295
It doesn't boast.

0:11:58.034,0:11:59.505
It isn't proud.

0:12:02.085,0:12:03.667
It doesn't dishonor others.

0:12:03.757,0:12:05.543
It is not self-seeking.

0:12:06.799,0:12:08.506
It isn't easily angered.

0:12:08.566,0:12:11.203
It keeps no record of wrong.

0:12:15.700,0:12:18.935
It does not delight in evil[br]but rejoices with the truth.

0:12:19.310,0:12:23.248
Love always protects,[br]always trusts, always hopes

0:12:23.248,0:12:25.216
and always perseveres.

0:12:26.484,0:12:28.364
Love never fails."

0:12:28.812,0:12:30.540
And in that moment,

0:12:31.040,0:12:33.199
a light switch went on in Janel's mind.

0:12:33.199,0:12:35.549
She knew that it was time[br]for her to get out

0:12:35.549,0:12:37.862
with all six of her babies.

0:12:38.797,0:12:44.714
She knew that what she was experiencing[br]was the complete opposite of love.

0:12:50.656,0:12:53.371
Janel's willingness to forgive her father

0:12:54.991,0:13:01.021
and his attitude change[br]and his change of actions towards her

0:13:01.721,0:13:05.850
saved not only her life[br]but the life of her children as well.

0:13:06.380,0:13:08.624
There's great power in forgiveness,

0:13:08.894,0:13:11.247
great power in forgiveness.

0:13:12.964,0:13:16.540
So let's start by talking[br]about what forgiveness is not.

0:13:16.830,0:13:19.391
Because what forgiveness is not -

0:13:19.611,0:13:21.973
it's not co-signing craziness,

0:13:22.013,0:13:26.363
it's not condoning bad behavior[br]when somebody does something that's wrong,

0:13:26.763,0:13:30.461
and it's not even[br]reconciliation of relationship.

0:13:32.429,0:13:34.619
In this odd instance, though,

0:13:35.479,0:13:38.380
Janel and her father[br]were able to reconcile.

0:13:40.964,0:13:42.443
Then it leaves me to wonder,

0:13:42.443,0:13:44.680
What is forgiveness then?

0:13:46.145,0:13:48.763
Forgiveness is a personal process

0:13:48.763,0:13:51.999
that each person goes through[br]at their own pace.

0:13:54.039,0:13:55.538
It's a journey.

0:13:55.909,0:14:00.810
It's a process of acknowledging[br]that, yes, the offense did happen,

0:14:00.810,0:14:02.028
this did occur.

0:14:02.028,0:14:05.745
It's laying it all out on the table,[br]looking at it and saying,

0:14:05.745,0:14:10.312
"Yes, this did occur,[br]but it doesn't define who I am."

0:14:13.827,0:14:17.466
Then, taking the occurrence[br]and grieving it,

0:14:17.576,0:14:20.189
going through the grief process

0:14:21.871,0:14:25.107
with the hopes to arrive[br]at this place called acceptance,

0:14:25.327,0:14:28.550
accepting that there's no looking back,

0:14:30.500,0:14:32.194
can't change it.

0:14:33.425,0:14:36.465
And then, finally, letting go.

0:14:37.015,0:14:40.829
Letting go of all expectations[br]of that relationship.

0:14:41.389,0:14:43.916
Letting go so that you can[br]move forward with your life

0:14:43.916,0:14:45.758
to be the best version of you,

0:14:45.758,0:14:48.142
so that you can live[br]your life with purpose.

0:14:51.131,0:14:53.663
According to that same study[br]that I mentioned earlier,

0:14:53.663,0:14:55.424
by Johns Hopkins,

0:14:56.258,0:14:59.243
forgiveness has many health benefits:

0:15:00.374,0:15:02.059
decrease in blood pressure,

0:15:02.298,0:15:06.445
decrease in stress levels -[br]who can use some of that, yeah?

0:15:07.455,0:15:08.895
Yeah.

0:15:11.473,0:15:14.428
It also boosts your immune system.

0:15:16.740,0:15:18.817
It gives you mental clarity.

0:15:21.140,0:15:25.839
And it helps you to focus[br]on this moment every moment,

0:15:25.939,0:15:28.668
as you are no longer preoccupied

0:15:29.858,0:15:32.465
with thoughts of the past incident,

0:15:32.465,0:15:36.144
over and over replaying in your minds.

0:15:37.406,0:15:40.304
There is great power in forgiveness.

0:15:41.189,0:15:42.488
Janel.

0:15:45.423,0:15:47.105
What a powerful story.

0:15:49.905,0:15:52.273
Do you want to know what happened to her?

0:15:54.355,0:15:57.888
She's standing right here,[br]on this TEDx stage,

0:15:57.938,0:16:00.015
(Applause) (Cheering)

0:16:15.439,0:16:17.539
sharing her story with you.

0:16:18.573,0:16:21.524
My name is Monique Janel Walker.

0:16:22.970,0:16:27.807
I am married to an amazing man[br]with eight amazing children

0:16:28.367,0:16:30.881
and on top of that, a medical degree.

0:16:31.321,0:16:32.936
(Cheering) (Applause)

0:16:42.919,0:16:45.558
I now help women find their voices,

0:16:46.518,0:16:48.168
redefine their lives

0:16:48.368,0:16:51.742
and live in their purpose on purpose.

0:16:52.182,0:16:54.008
I am Janel.

0:16:54.318,0:16:57.316
(Applause)