1
00:00:19,098 --> 00:00:22,641
The sting of offense
is breathtakingly painful,

2
00:00:22,781 --> 00:00:24,826
overwhelmingly confusing

3
00:00:25,016 --> 00:00:27,268
and can last a very long time:

4
00:00:27,638 --> 00:00:31,063
weeks, months or even years.

5
00:00:31,681 --> 00:00:33,581
When someone hurts you,

6
00:00:33,631 --> 00:00:38,175
it manifests as disappointment,

7
00:00:38,425 --> 00:00:43,521
pain, anger, bitterness or even hatred.

8
00:00:44,181 --> 00:00:47,527
Has anyone besides me
ever felt the sting of offense?

9
00:00:51,286 --> 00:00:52,415
For some people,

10
00:00:52,415 --> 00:00:55,215
when someone does something
that offends them,

11
00:00:55,215 --> 00:00:57,941
that person is placed
in the "enemy" category,

12
00:00:58,181 --> 00:01:01,844
which gives rise to a condition
called unforgiveness.

13
00:01:03,556 --> 00:01:06,898
According to a study
done by Johns Hopkins Medicine,

14
00:01:06,898 --> 00:01:09,862
one of the leading healthcare systems
in the United States,

15
00:01:10,732 --> 00:01:14,378
being hurt and disappointed
for long periods of time

16
00:01:15,298 --> 00:01:18,388
leads to a condition called chronic anger.

17
00:01:19,278 --> 00:01:23,482
And chronic anger places a person

18
00:01:23,592 --> 00:01:26,210
in a continuous state of fight or flight,

19
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,352
which increases their risk for diseases

20
00:01:29,352 --> 00:01:36,060
such as heart disease, depression
and other diseases including diabetes.

21
00:01:38,245 --> 00:01:43,071
That makes me wonder how many people
have unforgiveness and chronic anger

22
00:01:43,441 --> 00:01:48,770
as the underlying source to these diseases
that I get to see as a doctor.

23
00:01:49,878 --> 00:01:54,029
There's this famous quote
by Nelson Mandela, which says,

24
00:01:54,129 --> 00:01:56,362
"Resentment is like drinking poison

25
00:01:56,362 --> 00:01:59,227
and then hoping
that it will kill your enemies."

26
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:04,544
And this is especially true
for a young lady by the name of Janel.

27
00:02:06,211 --> 00:02:08,804
You see, she drank
lethal amounts of poison,

28
00:02:08,804 --> 00:02:11,517
hoping that it will kill her enemies.

29
00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:13,441
And the question is,

30
00:02:13,461 --> 00:02:14,710
What kind of pain

31
00:02:14,710 --> 00:02:16,492
could a little girl have gone through

32
00:02:16,492 --> 00:02:19,827
that will cause her
to harbor such unforgiveness?

33
00:02:20,543 --> 00:02:22,426
Well, I'm going to tell you.

34
00:02:23,593 --> 00:02:25,843
Janel was a very angry adolescent.

35
00:02:25,843 --> 00:02:30,289
She was filled with self-hate,
unforgiveness.

36
00:02:31,677 --> 00:02:33,659
You see, when she was in second grade,

37
00:02:33,659 --> 00:02:35,467
she had a babysitter

38
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:37,876
that did the unthinkable to her.

39
00:02:41,316 --> 00:02:43,992
Her mother left her with this babysitter,

40
00:02:44,442 --> 00:02:47,088
as babysitters are supposed
to be trustworthy,

41
00:02:47,088 --> 00:02:48,758
they're supposed to be protective,

42
00:02:48,758 --> 00:02:51,591
they're supposed to make sure
that that child is kept safe.

43
00:02:51,591 --> 00:02:54,063
But this guy had a different agenda.

44
00:02:54,623 --> 00:02:58,060
You see, every time he had
an opportunity alone with Janel,

45
00:02:58,390 --> 00:03:00,041
he abused his authority

46
00:03:00,041 --> 00:03:03,258
and took advantage
of her tiny, premature body.

47
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,588
Confused, ashamed, afraid,

48
00:03:05,638 --> 00:03:09,619
Janel never shared
her experiences with anyone,

49
00:03:10,159 --> 00:03:13,166
so the seed of hatred was planted in her,

50
00:03:14,406 --> 00:03:18,491
and now it was sprouting
in her adolescent years.

51
00:03:20,645 --> 00:03:25,183
See, she was now filled with unforgiveness
because she unable to change her past.

52
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:29,837
Her mother, unwilling to find out
what was going on with Janel,

53
00:03:31,347 --> 00:03:35,289
decided to send her
to live with a complete stranger.

54
00:03:40,323 --> 00:03:42,706
She sent Janel to live with her father,

55
00:03:42,706 --> 00:03:45,204
a father that had been absent
her entire life,

56
00:03:45,204 --> 00:03:47,947
and neither her mother
nor Janel knew this man.

57
00:03:49,105 --> 00:03:51,909
But the thing is,
when she arrived in his home,

58
00:03:52,189 --> 00:03:55,303
instead of looking at her
as his little girl,

59
00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:59,322
he looked at her as a sex object.

60
00:04:00,221 --> 00:04:03,659
And he did things to her
that I dare not say on this stage.

61
00:04:04,339 --> 00:04:06,882
I beg to say that they
were totally inappropriate

62
00:04:06,882 --> 00:04:09,258
for a father to do to a daughter.

63
00:04:12,671 --> 00:04:15,438
But you see, Janel
had mastered keeping secrets,

64
00:04:15,438 --> 00:04:19,603
so this was just another secret
to add to her closet of skeletons.

65
00:04:24,622 --> 00:04:25,953
One thing about her, though,

66
00:04:25,953 --> 00:04:28,244
is that she was very brilliant
and very decisive,

67
00:04:28,244 --> 00:04:31,192
and she came up with this plan
to get out of her father's home,

68
00:04:31,192 --> 00:04:32,370
and she was successful.

69
00:04:32,370 --> 00:04:34,738
And she ended up
back home with her mother.

70
00:04:37,868 --> 00:04:39,394
However, when she got back home,

71
00:04:39,394 --> 00:04:41,390
she was filled with even more self-hate,

72
00:04:41,390 --> 00:04:42,819
more anger,

73
00:04:44,259 --> 00:04:47,236
and she became outright rebellious.

74
00:04:47,576 --> 00:04:51,896
Within months of being home,
Janel found herself pregnant.

75
00:04:53,069 --> 00:04:56,187
And can you believe that her mother

76
00:04:56,187 --> 00:05:00,302
was not willing to investigate
what was going on with her child?

77
00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:07,019
So once again, she ejected Janel
out of the home and told her,

78
00:05:07,019 --> 00:05:09,839
"It's time to figure out life
all on your own."

79
00:05:10,369 --> 00:05:16,920
So here you have a teenage girl,
abused, mentally disturbed,

80
00:05:17,220 --> 00:05:19,782
no income, a baby

81
00:05:20,582 --> 00:05:22,165
and homeless.

82
00:05:25,753 --> 00:05:27,195
Fast-forward.

83
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:30,152
Janel's now a young adult
with a school-age child,

84
00:05:30,152 --> 00:05:34,417
and she meets a gentleman that she trusts,
and they build a friendship.

85
00:05:34,985 --> 00:05:37,085
She confides her secrets in him.

86
00:05:37,085 --> 00:05:39,935
She tells him about
her childhood experiences.

87
00:05:41,866 --> 00:05:46,023
This gentleman appeared to be
a very loving and supportive friend,

88
00:05:46,483 --> 00:05:49,251
and so eventually, they developed
an intimate relationship

89
00:05:49,251 --> 00:05:51,565
and started a family of their own.

90
00:05:52,117 --> 00:05:54,993
However, that family fell apart over time

91
00:05:55,373 --> 00:05:59,466
because Janel's brokenness
and her unresolved issues

92
00:05:59,466 --> 00:06:01,318
and all that self-hate

93
00:06:01,518 --> 00:06:05,500
became a perfect magnet for an abuser.

94
00:06:07,316 --> 00:06:10,684
Janel found herself
in the perpetual cycle of abuse,

95
00:06:10,684 --> 00:06:12,567
going round and round.

96
00:06:13,348 --> 00:06:19,080
The cycle of abuse is a theory
that was founded in 1979

97
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,939
by Dr. Lenore Walker,

98
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:24,333
and what it captures
is the pattern of behaviors

99
00:06:24,333 --> 00:06:27,172
that happen in an abusive relationship.

100
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,616
Janel held onto the honeymoon phase.

101
00:06:32,116 --> 00:06:34,834
That's the phase where everything
is nice and calm,

102
00:06:35,064 --> 00:06:37,348
but soon she was on a roller-coaster ride

103
00:06:37,348 --> 00:06:39,481
because the tension would start to build,

104
00:06:39,481 --> 00:06:41,917
and as the tension built,
she knew what was next:

105
00:06:42,258 --> 00:06:43,528
an explosion.

106
00:06:44,013 --> 00:06:46,318
A big incident would happen,

107
00:06:47,253 --> 00:06:51,846
and then it would be reconciliation,
the apologies and the gifts.

108
00:06:53,383 --> 00:06:55,597
And she found herself
going round and round,

109
00:06:55,597 --> 00:06:58,481
holding onto the honeymoon period.

110
00:07:00,964 --> 00:07:02,135
Hmm.

111
00:07:03,864 --> 00:07:07,017
But the abuser would
just always remind her

112
00:07:07,347 --> 00:07:11,278
of his judgment
of her father's transgressions.

113
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,440
He would always remind her

114
00:07:14,378 --> 00:07:18,013
that he was the only person
that was capable of loving her.

115
00:07:18,413 --> 00:07:24,529
Besides, her mother abandoned her
and her father hurt her so deeply.

116
00:07:30,629 --> 00:07:33,427
One night during a specific explosion,

117
00:07:34,247 --> 00:07:37,744
the abuser started to barrage Janel
with all of these insults.

118
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:42,518
He reminded her of the details
of what she had confided in him

119
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:45,499
and of his judgment
of what her father had done.

120
00:07:45,729 --> 00:07:51,497
And as he's throwing insults,
using obscenities, vulgar language -

121
00:07:52,077 --> 00:07:55,229
a lot of anger and rage towards her -

122
00:07:55,229 --> 00:07:59,210
she sat there in agreement with him
with tears in her eyes.

123
00:08:04,061 --> 00:08:05,745
She believed him.

124
00:08:07,027 --> 00:08:09,094
But this incident was different, you see,

125
00:08:09,094 --> 00:08:11,627
because right across
the hall, in the room,

126
00:08:11,627 --> 00:08:13,695
her school-age son was awake.

127
00:08:13,695 --> 00:08:15,209
He was afraid.

128
00:08:15,209 --> 00:08:18,311
He was confused about what he was hearing.

129
00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:24,368
And the next morning when they woke up,
he went to confront his mom.

130
00:08:25,577 --> 00:08:28,643
He told her what he heard
and asked about it.

131
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:36,275
And that confrontation
rocked her to the core.

132
00:08:48,842 --> 00:08:54,072
In that instance, Janel realized
that she had to do something.

133
00:08:54,454 --> 00:08:56,391
You see, she's a loving mother.

134
00:08:56,891 --> 00:08:58,658
She loved her child.

135
00:08:59,008 --> 00:09:01,808
And loving mothers
will do for their children

136
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:04,020
what they will not do for themselves.

137
00:09:04,490 --> 00:09:10,223
In that instance, she knew
that she had to start by forgiving herself

138
00:09:10,223 --> 00:09:14,054
for putting her child
in such a toxic situation

139
00:09:14,224 --> 00:09:17,584
and forgiving herself for allowing herself
to be there as well.

140
00:09:18,324 --> 00:09:21,570
So that started
the process of forgiveness.

141
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:27,776
She started by forgiving herself
for harboring such self-hate,

142
00:09:28,066 --> 00:09:30,699
for not taking time to love herself

143
00:09:32,259 --> 00:09:34,933
and for allowing it
to trickle down to her baby.

144
00:09:39,156 --> 00:09:42,005
And when she unleashed
the power of forgiveness,

145
00:09:42,405 --> 00:09:45,835
she realized, "Wait a minute.
I'm totally toxic."

146
00:09:45,905 --> 00:09:47,271
That was her thoughts.

147
00:09:47,271 --> 00:09:50,944
She thought, "I have other people
that I need to forgive

148
00:09:51,804 --> 00:09:55,588
because I am now hostage
to unforgiveness."

149
00:09:56,172 --> 00:09:59,667
And there were three people in particular
that she needed to forgive.

150
00:09:59,987 --> 00:10:02,221
Number one, the babysitter,

151
00:10:02,382 --> 00:10:04,434
number two, her mom

152
00:10:04,634 --> 00:10:06,871
and number three, her dad.

153
00:10:09,804 --> 00:10:13,889
First, she went through the process
of forgiving the babysitter.

154
00:10:15,021 --> 00:10:17,273
Unfortunately, she couldn't contact him,

155
00:10:17,273 --> 00:10:20,412
but she still went through the process
of forgiveness for him.

156
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:24,111
The second person was her mom.

157
00:10:24,471 --> 00:10:28,082
She called her mom up
and expressed forgiveness for her mom.

158
00:10:31,022 --> 00:10:34,549
However, their relationship
was irreconcilable.

159
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:38,067
Now the third call.

160
00:10:40,686 --> 00:10:42,423
The most difficult one.

161
00:10:42,644 --> 00:10:44,342
She called her dad,

162
00:10:44,722 --> 00:10:46,246
but to her surprise,

163
00:10:46,386 --> 00:10:49,134
he was far more receptive
than she expected.

164
00:10:49,504 --> 00:10:52,878
He actually changed his actions
and his behaviors towards her

165
00:10:52,948 --> 00:10:54,078
and for once,

166
00:10:54,078 --> 00:10:58,150
spoke to her the way that a father
is supposed to speak to a daughter,

167
00:10:58,260 --> 00:11:01,836
with such love, honor and respect.

168
00:11:05,237 --> 00:11:09,526
You see, her father's remorsefulness

169
00:11:09,776 --> 00:11:12,706
became a magnet for Janel

170
00:11:12,936 --> 00:11:16,675
to be receptive to his words of wisdom

171
00:11:17,325 --> 00:11:19,918
and to reconcile their relationship.

172
00:11:28,914 --> 00:11:31,334
There was another explosion in her home,

173
00:11:31,584 --> 00:11:33,785
and she started talking to her father

174
00:11:33,785 --> 00:11:36,421
about the things
that she was experiencing,

175
00:11:37,304 --> 00:11:41,096
and then she spoke to her father
about the details of what had occurred.

176
00:11:41,436 --> 00:11:46,182
He offered her words of wisdom
that he had learned in Sunday school.

177
00:11:47,270 --> 00:11:48,739
He said to her,

178
00:11:49,402 --> 00:11:50,898
"Love is patient.

179
00:11:51,251 --> 00:11:52,825
Love is kind.

180
00:11:53,050 --> 00:11:54,548
It doesn't envy.

181
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:56,295
It doesn't boast.

182
00:11:58,034 --> 00:11:59,505
It isn't proud.

183
00:12:02,085 --> 00:12:03,667
It doesn't dishonor others.

184
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,543
It is not self-seeking.

185
00:12:06,799 --> 00:12:08,506
It isn't easily angered.

186
00:12:08,566 --> 00:12:11,203
It keeps no record of wrong.

187
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:18,935
It does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.

188
00:12:19,310 --> 00:12:23,248
Love always protects,
always trusts, always hopes

189
00:12:23,248 --> 00:12:25,216
and always perseveres.

190
00:12:26,484 --> 00:12:28,364
Love never fails."

191
00:12:28,812 --> 00:12:30,540
And in that moment,

192
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,199
a light switch went on in Janel's mind.

193
00:12:33,199 --> 00:12:35,549
She knew that it was time
for her to get out

194
00:12:35,549 --> 00:12:37,862
with all six of her babies.

195
00:12:38,797 --> 00:12:44,714
She knew that what she was experiencing
was the complete opposite of love.

196
00:12:50,656 --> 00:12:53,371
Janel's willingness to forgive her father

197
00:12:54,991 --> 00:13:01,021
and his attitude change
and his change of actions towards her

198
00:13:01,721 --> 00:13:05,850
saved not only her life
but the life of her children as well.

199
00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:08,624
There's great power in forgiveness,

200
00:13:08,894 --> 00:13:11,247
great power in forgiveness.

201
00:13:12,964 --> 00:13:16,540
So let's start by talking
about what forgiveness is not.

202
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,391
Because what forgiveness is not -

203
00:13:19,611 --> 00:13:21,973
it's not co-signing craziness,

204
00:13:22,013 --> 00:13:26,363
it's not condoning bad behavior
when somebody does something that's wrong,

205
00:13:26,763 --> 00:13:30,461
and it's not even
reconciliation of relationship.

206
00:13:32,429 --> 00:13:34,619
In this odd instance, though,

207
00:13:35,479 --> 00:13:38,380
Janel and her father
were able to reconcile.

208
00:13:40,964 --> 00:13:42,443
Then it leaves me to wonder,

209
00:13:42,443 --> 00:13:44,680
What is forgiveness then?

210
00:13:46,145 --> 00:13:48,763
Forgiveness is a personal process

211
00:13:48,763 --> 00:13:51,999
that each person goes through
at their own pace.

212
00:13:54,039 --> 00:13:55,538
It's a journey.

213
00:13:55,909 --> 00:14:00,810
It's a process of acknowledging
that, yes, the offense did happen,

214
00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:02,028
this did occur.

215
00:14:02,028 --> 00:14:05,745
It's laying it all out on the table,
looking at it and saying,

216
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:10,312
"Yes, this did occur,
but it doesn't define who I am."

217
00:14:13,827 --> 00:14:17,466
Then, taking the occurrence
and grieving it,

218
00:14:17,576 --> 00:14:20,189
going through the grief process

219
00:14:21,871 --> 00:14:25,107
with the hopes to arrive
at this place called acceptance,

220
00:14:25,327 --> 00:14:28,550
accepting that there's no looking back,

221
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,194
can't change it.

222
00:14:33,425 --> 00:14:36,465
And then, finally, letting go.

223
00:14:37,015 --> 00:14:40,829
Letting go of all expectations
of that relationship.

224
00:14:41,389 --> 00:14:43,916
Letting go so that you can
move forward with your life

225
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:45,758
to be the best version of you,

226
00:14:45,758 --> 00:14:48,142
so that you can live
your life with purpose.

227
00:14:51,131 --> 00:14:53,663
According to that same study
that I mentioned earlier,

228
00:14:53,663 --> 00:14:55,424
by Johns Hopkins,

229
00:14:56,258 --> 00:14:59,243
forgiveness has many health benefits:

230
00:15:00,374 --> 00:15:02,059
decrease in blood pressure,

231
00:15:02,298 --> 00:15:06,445
decrease in stress levels -
who can use some of that, yeah?

232
00:15:07,455 --> 00:15:08,895
Yeah.

233
00:15:11,473 --> 00:15:14,428
It also boosts your immune system.

234
00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:18,817
It gives you mental clarity.

235
00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:25,839
And it helps you to focus
on this moment every moment,

236
00:15:25,939 --> 00:15:28,668
as you are no longer preoccupied

237
00:15:29,858 --> 00:15:32,465
with thoughts of the past incident,

238
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:36,144
over and over replaying in your minds.

239
00:15:37,406 --> 00:15:40,304
There is great power in forgiveness.

240
00:15:41,189 --> 00:15:42,488
Janel.

241
00:15:45,423 --> 00:15:47,105
What a powerful story.

242
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:52,273
Do you want to know what happened to her?

243
00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:57,888
She's standing right here,
on this TEDx stage,

244
00:15:57,938 --> 00:16:00,015
(Applause) (Cheering)

245
00:16:15,439 --> 00:16:17,539
sharing her story with you.

246
00:16:18,573 --> 00:16:21,524
My name is Monique Janel Walker.

247
00:16:22,970 --> 00:16:27,807
I am married to an amazing man
with eight amazing children

248
00:16:28,367 --> 00:16:30,881
and on top of that, a medical degree.

249
00:16:31,321 --> 00:16:32,936
(Cheering) (Applause)

250
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:45,558
I now help women find their voices,

251
00:16:46,518 --> 00:16:48,168
redefine their lives

252
00:16:48,368 --> 00:16:51,742
and live in their purpose on purpose.

253
00:16:52,182 --> 00:16:54,008
I am Janel.

254
00:16:54,318 --> 00:16:57,316
(Applause)