How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries
-
0:02 - 0:06Ebony Roberts: I remember
watching my father raise the pistol -
0:06 - 0:07to my mother's head.
-
0:08 - 0:12She pleaded with him to put the gun down,
-
0:12 - 0:13but he ignored her.
-
0:14 - 0:18When she bolted toward the door,
he followed close behind -
0:18 - 0:22and once outside,
he fired one single shot. -
0:23 - 0:24I was 12.
-
0:25 - 0:28I remember this moment frame by frame.
-
0:29 - 0:30I remember feeling numb.
-
0:31 - 0:33I remember feeling alone.
-
0:35 - 0:37Thank God, the bullet missed her,
-
0:37 - 0:40but my family would never be the same.
-
0:40 - 0:43I would never be the same.
-
0:44 - 0:47I didn't know then all the ways
-
0:47 - 0:51that my parents' on-again,
off-again relationship would impact me, -
0:51 - 0:54but I knew I didn't want
a love like theirs. -
0:54 - 0:56My story would be different.
-
0:57 - 1:00Years later, when I met you,
-
1:00 - 1:02I fell madly in love.
-
1:02 - 1:05Our connection was undeniable.
-
1:05 - 1:08It was as if you had been
hand-picked just for me. -
1:10 - 1:12I thought we'd be together forever.
-
1:12 - 1:15But we struggled with some
of the same issues my parents had, -
1:15 - 1:18and after nearly nine years together,
-
1:18 - 1:19we called it quits.
-
1:20 - 1:22We had Sekou then.
-
1:22 - 1:24He was only three.
-
1:24 - 1:27Though he was too young
to really understand what was going on, -
1:27 - 1:29he was old enough to know
-
1:29 - 1:30that mommy and daddy
-
1:30 - 1:33were not going to be living
in the same house anymore. -
1:34 - 1:36Our breakup hit me really hard.
-
1:40 - 1:42But I decided
-
1:42 - 1:47I wouldn't let my broken heart
get in the way of what was best for Sekou. -
1:48 - 1:50We struggled initially,
trying to navigate this new space -
1:50 - 1:52as co-parents.
-
1:54 - 1:55I asked myself,
-
1:56 - 2:00how do we raise this beautiful boy
full of wonder and promise -
2:00 - 2:02and so much power,
-
2:02 - 2:04in spite of our failures as a couple?
-
2:05 - 2:07The answer for me was simple.
-
2:09 - 2:10I could either choose fear,
-
2:10 - 2:12fear of being alone,
-
2:12 - 2:14fear of the unknown,
-
2:14 - 2:16or choose love.
-
2:16 - 2:18And I chose love.
-
2:18 - 2:22That means seeing
the good in you as a father. -
2:22 - 2:24It means seeing
the good in you as a father -
2:24 - 2:27and not your missteps as a partner.
-
2:27 - 2:30It means putting Sekou first every time,
-
2:30 - 2:32even if it means I don't get my way.
-
2:33 - 2:37I know my parents went back and forth
-
2:37 - 2:41trying to work things out
for my brother and I's sake. -
2:42 - 2:44Though I appreciate their effort,
-
2:44 - 2:45I wish they hadn't.
-
2:46 - 2:49I saw too much, I heard too much.
-
2:49 - 2:53I knew I didn't want
that to be Sekou's story. -
2:53 - 2:55I wanted Sekou to know
-
2:55 - 2:58what it was like to see
two parents who got along, -
2:58 - 3:01two parents who worked together as a team.
-
3:01 - 3:02I wanted him to know
-
3:02 - 3:05what love looks like in its truest form.
-
3:06 - 3:10Love is patient, love is kind.
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3:10 - 3:13Love does not anger easily,
-
3:13 - 3:15it keeps no wrongs.
-
3:15 - 3:19Love always protects,
-
3:19 - 3:23always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres. -
3:26 - 3:28Shaka Senghor: It was 1983.
-
3:29 - 3:30I was 11 years old.
-
3:31 - 3:35I remember being in a basement
with my father, -
3:35 - 3:38in our home on the east side of Detroit.
-
3:38 - 3:41I watched him stuff albums
-
3:41 - 3:45into the blue and orange milk crates,
-
3:45 - 3:47as tears streamed from his eyes.
-
3:48 - 3:51Just before that,
-
3:52 - 3:54him and my mother
-
3:55 - 3:58had just sat me and my siblings down
-
3:58 - 4:00and told us that they
were calling it quits. -
4:01 - 4:03Thirty years later,
-
4:04 - 4:06I found myself with tears in my eyes,
-
4:06 - 4:09as I packed my belongings in our home.
-
4:12 - 4:13Ebony and I met
-
4:15 - 4:18while I was serving
a 19-year prison sentence. -
4:20 - 4:22For four years,
-
4:22 - 4:26we used letters, phone calls and visits
-
4:26 - 4:30to build what we had imagined
to be an unshakeable bond. -
4:32 - 4:34We fought the system together,
-
4:34 - 4:38and we thought that we would be able
to right the wrongs of our parents. -
4:39 - 4:41She was a poet,
-
4:41 - 4:43I was a writer.
-
4:43 - 4:47She was gorgeous, with a PhD.
-
4:47 - 4:48I was handsome,
-
4:48 - 4:50with a GED.
-
4:50 - 4:54(Laughter)
-
4:54 - 4:57We built something magical.
-
4:57 - 5:00We built something
that we thought would endure. -
5:00 - 5:02But unfortunately,
-
5:02 - 5:06our relationship became unhinged
when I was released from prison. -
5:06 - 5:09Post-traumatic stress syndrome,
-
5:10 - 5:13trauma from prior to going to prison,
-
5:14 - 5:17baggage from her relationship,
-
5:17 - 5:20my inexperience in a relationship
-
5:20 - 5:24undid the magic of what we built
behind the walls. -
5:26 - 5:28Centered in all of that
-
5:29 - 5:31was our beautiful boy.
-
5:32 - 5:35I remember when we first
brought Sekou home. -
5:36 - 5:37It was so exciting, it was amazing,
-
5:37 - 5:39we worked together, we collaborated,
-
5:39 - 5:41we supported each other.
-
5:41 - 5:44You took the night shift,
I took the morning shift. -
5:44 - 5:46And it was going amazing.
-
5:48 - 5:49And then it all changed.
-
5:51 - 5:54It changed the morning that you came in
really excited, you was like, -
5:54 - 5:56"Hey, I'm going back to work!
-
5:56 - 5:58Aren't you excited?"
-
5:59 - 6:02And I was like, "Yes.
I am ecstatic right now. -
6:02 - 6:04(Laughter)
-
6:04 - 6:05I cannot be more delighted."
-
6:07 - 6:10But inside, I was really afraid.
-
6:10 - 6:12But I couldn't tell you that.
-
6:13 - 6:15So instead, I said,
-
6:15 - 6:17"Hey, go off and have a wonderful day."
-
6:20 - 6:22And you left,
-
6:22 - 6:24and I was left with Sekou.
-
6:26 - 6:28What I understand now about that moment
-
6:28 - 6:31is that we were fostering a trust
-
6:31 - 6:34that's necessary for parents to coexist.
-
6:35 - 6:38And that you were trusting me
with our most precious gift. -
6:39 - 6:44And that you were building the foundation
and the blocks for what's important -
6:44 - 6:46for this portal we call parenthood.
-
6:48 - 6:53ER: Knowing how our parents'
breakups impacted us, -
6:53 - 6:54you know, we were really sensitive
-
6:54 - 6:56about how our breakup would impact Sekou.
-
6:59 - 7:01We struggled,
-
7:01 - 7:03but we found our way.
-
7:04 - 7:06And let Sekou tell it,
-
7:06 - 7:08we're the best parents in the world.
-
7:08 - 7:11I love that he sees us that way.
-
7:11 - 7:13We made a choice in the beginning
-
7:13 - 7:17to co-parent as allies
and not adversaries. -
7:17 - 7:19To break the toxic pattern
-
7:19 - 7:22that we see play out over and over again
-
7:22 - 7:26when parents lose focus
on what's most important, -
7:26 - 7:27the children.
-
7:27 - 7:30They allow their relationship pain
to get in the way. -
7:30 - 7:33But at the end of the day,
we're on the same team, -
7:33 - 7:34and that's Sekou's team.
-
7:36 - 7:37You know, I have to admit,
-
7:37 - 7:39we have an unconventional relationship
-
7:39 - 7:42a lot of people don't understand.
-
7:42 - 7:45We're not perfect as parents or people.
-
7:45 - 7:48But we honor each other's role
in Sekou's life. -
7:50 - 7:52We allow him to do things
-
7:52 - 7:55that our parents
would never allow us to do. -
7:55 - 7:59We don't allow our fears
to put limits on him. -
8:00 - 8:03We nurture his natural curiosity
about the universe -
8:03 - 8:06and his relationship to the world.
-
8:06 - 8:09Remember that time when we were
coming in from a long day at work, -
8:09 - 8:13and Sekou found a puddle outside,
-
8:13 - 8:14a puddle of mud, mind you.
-
8:14 - 8:18Had a brand new fresh outfit on,
Levi's from head to toe. -
8:18 - 8:22And he found this puddle of mud,
and he reached for it. -
8:22 - 8:25And he wanted to touch the muddy earth,
and we allowed him to do that. -
8:25 - 8:28We resisted the urge to say no,
-
8:28 - 8:30and in fact, went and got him a shovel,
-
8:30 - 8:32and allowed him
to feel the earth's properties -
8:32 - 8:35and explore as much
as he wanted to, and he played, -
8:35 - 8:37and was as happy as a pig in mud.
-
8:37 - 8:38(Laughter)
-
8:38 - 8:40We realized that the outfit
could be washed, -
8:40 - 8:43that a bath would clean up all the dirt,
-
8:43 - 8:46but the thrill of being in the moment,
-
8:46 - 8:47of being able to touch
-
8:47 - 8:51and be amazed at this thing
that he had never discovered before -
8:51 - 8:55was more valuable than the clothes
or the dirt that could be washed away. -
8:57 - 9:01We continue to rethink
what is right and wrong -
9:01 - 9:03when it comes to parenting.
-
9:03 - 9:06Sekou challenges us every day.
-
9:06 - 9:10You know, we allow him to climb on couches
-
9:10 - 9:14and draw on his clothes and his shoes,
-
9:14 - 9:17let him run around the store --
well, I do, anyway. -
9:18 - 9:22And I get the death stares
from other mamas who look at me -
9:22 - 9:26and who think that children should be
quiet and well-behaved in public. -
9:26 - 9:29I also get those questions
that are really judgments, -
9:29 - 9:31but I don't pay them any mind.
-
9:31 - 9:33Because at the end of the day,
-
9:33 - 9:38our job is to guide Sekou
on this journey of life, -
9:38 - 9:40not to control him.
-
9:40 - 9:43We're here to help him
figure out his place in the world, -
9:43 - 9:47to uncover his greatest gifts,
-
9:47 - 9:49to discover why he was born.
-
9:49 - 9:51We are raising a free black boy
-
9:51 - 9:54in a world that despises black joy,
-
9:54 - 9:57and we refuse to put limits on him
that the world already has. -
10:00 - 10:03SS: Our parenting
can be seen as an allegory -
10:03 - 10:07for this two-sided coin of possibilities.
-
10:07 - 10:08On one side,
-
10:09 - 10:13the reality of raising
a black boy in a society -
10:13 - 10:17that says that black boys,
black bodies and black lives -
10:17 - 10:20only seen as profitable or disposable.
-
10:22 - 10:23And then there's the other side.
-
10:24 - 10:27Possibility of two parents
who are no longer together -
10:27 - 10:30coexisting, supporting each other,
-
10:30 - 10:33loving each other,
showing affection publicly -
10:33 - 10:36in a way that honors
the relationship with our son. -
10:38 - 10:40And even more importantly
-
10:40 - 10:44is the power to support each other
in all those vulnerable moments. -
10:44 - 10:46There was this one time
-
10:46 - 10:49that it was my day to go pick up Sekou,
you remember that time? -
10:50 - 10:52I go pick Sekou up, he's in first grade,
-
10:52 - 10:54and as I'm walking up,
-
10:54 - 10:57another parent walks up
and says, "Hey, Shaka. -
10:57 - 11:00I seen Oprah Winfrey
give a shout-out to you -
11:00 - 11:01on CNN last night."
-
11:02 - 11:05She was super excited, exuberant even.
-
11:06 - 11:08I was mortified.
-
11:08 - 11:12Because I thought, what's going to happen
when she tells another parent, -
11:12 - 11:14and they tell another parent,
-
11:14 - 11:17and then they go and look me up
-
11:17 - 11:18and then they discover
-
11:18 - 11:20that I was in prison
for second-degree murder. -
11:20 - 11:23And then their child hears about it.
-
11:23 - 11:26And they come to school,
and they say to Sekou, -
11:26 - 11:29"Your dad was convicted
of murdering someone." -
11:31 - 11:34And I remember,
as watching Sekou race out, -
11:34 - 11:36and I knew that I had to call Ebony.
-
11:37 - 11:40When I called her,
I explained to her what happened, -
11:40 - 11:42Ebony said, "You have to have the talk."
-
11:44 - 11:47So I took Sekou home,
-
11:47 - 11:49got him ready for bed,
-
11:49 - 11:51and we talked for half an hour.
-
11:52 - 11:54I talked to him
about why I went to prison. -
11:54 - 11:57And I listened to his feedback.
-
11:57 - 12:00And then we called his mom
so we can do our nightly ritual -
12:00 - 12:02of her offering prayer
-
12:02 - 12:05and then me doing affirmations.
-
12:05 - 12:08And I remember holding him tightly.
-
12:08 - 12:12And I realized the importance
of the affirmations that we do at night. -
12:12 - 12:15And I see them as a road map, as a guide,
-
12:15 - 12:20as a touchstone
for other parents to protect -
12:20 - 12:22and to empower their children,
-
12:22 - 12:26especially in a world
where it's very difficult. -
12:26 - 12:30For us, co-parenting is so much more
-
12:30 - 12:32than scheduling pick-up and drop-off,
-
12:32 - 12:34playdates,
-
12:34 - 12:37deciding what he's going to wear,
what he's going to eat. -
12:37 - 12:40For us, it's about helping
each other carry the weight, -
12:40 - 12:42unpack the load,
-
12:42 - 12:46and to show up in the world
in a way that honors the beauty -
12:46 - 12:48of our son.
-
12:48 - 12:51And it's for these reasons
that we do affirmations. -
12:52 - 12:55ER: We never though we'd be here.
-
12:55 - 12:56But here we are.
-
12:56 - 13:00And we hope that the way
that we show up for Sekou -
13:00 - 13:01and for each other
-
13:01 - 13:05is a model of what successful
co-parenting can look like. -
13:05 - 13:09We'd like to bring you all in
to this nightly ritual of affirmations -
13:09 - 13:12that Shaka does with Sekou
every night at bedtime. -
13:15 - 13:16SS: Hey.
-
13:16 - 13:22(Applause)
-
13:24 - 13:25SS: I am great.
Sekou: I am great. -
13:25 - 13:27SS: I am awesome.
Sekou: I am awesome. -
13:27 - 13:29SS: I'm amazing.
Sekou: I'm amazing. -
13:29 - 13:31SS: I am thoughtful.
Sekou: I am thoughtful. -
13:31 - 13:33SS: I am kind.
Sekou: I am kind. -
13:33 - 13:34SS: I am loving.
Sekou: I am loving. -
13:34 - 13:36SS: I am caring.
Sekou: I am caring. -
13:36 - 13:38SS: I am funny.
Sekou: I am funny. -
13:38 - 13:39SS: I'm smart.
Sekou: I'm smart. -
13:39 - 13:41SS: I'm a big boy.
Sekou: I'm a big boy. -
13:41 - 13:43SS: I'm a soldier.
Sekou: I'm a soldier. -
13:43 - 13:45SS: I'm a warrior.
Sekou: I'm a warrior. -
13:45 - 13:47SS: I am Sekou.
Sekou: I am Sekou. -
13:47 - 13:53(Cheers and applause)
-
13:53 - 13:54ER: Good job, baby.
- Title:
- How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries
- Speaker:
- Ebony Roberts, Shaka Senghor
- Description:
-
When Shaka Senghor and Ebony Roberts ended their relationship, they made a pact to protect their son from its fallout. What resulted was a poetic meditation on what it means to raise a child together, yet apart. In this moving and deeply personal talk, Senghor and Roberts share their approach to co-parenting -- an equal, active partnership that rolls with the punches and revels in the delights of guiding their child through the world with thought and intention.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 14:07
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Natsuhiko Mizutani commented on English subtitles for How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries | |
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Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries | |
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Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries | |
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Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries | |
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Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries |
Natsuhiko Mizutani
12:52 ER: We never *thought* we'd be here. <-- ER: We never though we'd be here.