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How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries

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    Ebony Roberts: I remember
    watching my father raise the pistol
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    to my mother's head.
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    She pleaded with him to put the gun down,
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    but he ignored her.
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    When she bolted toward the door,
    he followed close behind
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    and once outside,
    he fired one single shot.
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    I was 12.
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    I remember this moment frame by frame.
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    I remember feeling numb.
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    I remember feeling alone.
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    Thank God, the bullet missed her,
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    but my family would never be the same.
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    I would never be the same.
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    I didn't know then all the ways
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    that my parents' on-again,
    off-again relationship would impact me,
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    but I knew I didn't want
    a love like theirs.
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    My story would be different.
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    Years later, when I met you,
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    I fell madly in love.
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    Our connection was undeniable.
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    It was as if you had been
    hand-picked just for me.
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    I thought we'd be together forever.
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    But we struggled with some
    of the same issues my parents had,
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    and after nearly nine years together,
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    we called it quits.
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    We had Sekou then.
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    He was only three.
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    Though he was too young
    to really understand what was going on,
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    he was old enough to know
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    that mommy and daddy
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    were not going to be living
    in the same house anymore.
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    Our breakup hit me really hard.
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    But I decided
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    I wouldn't let my broken heart
    get in the way of what was best for Sekou.
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    We struggled initially,
    trying to navigate this new space
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    as co-parents.
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    I asked myself,
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    how do we raise this beautiful boy
    full of wonder and promise
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    and so much power,
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    in spite of our failures as a couple?
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    The answer for me was simple.
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    I could either choose fear,
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    fear of being alone,
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    fear of the unknown,
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    or choose love.
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    And I chose love.
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    That means seeing
    the good in you as a father.
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    It means seeing
    the good in you as a father
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    and not your missteps as a partner.
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    It means putting Sekou first every time,
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    even if it means I don't get my way.
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    I know my parents went back and forth
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    trying to work things out
    for my brother and I's sake.
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    Though I appreciate their effort,
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    I wish they hadn't.
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    I saw too much, I heard too much.
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    I knew I didn't want
    that to be Sekou's story.
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    I wanted Sekou to know
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    what it was like to see
    two parents who got along,
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    two parents who worked together as a team.
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    I wanted him to know
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    what love looks like in its truest form.
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    Love is patient, love is kind.
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    Love does not anger easily,
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    it keeps no wrongs.
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    Love always protects,
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    always trusts, always hopes,
    always perseveres.
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    Shaka Senghor: It was 1983.
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    I was 11 years old.
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    I remember being in a basement
    with my father,
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    in our home on the east side of Detroit.
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    I watched him stuff albums
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    into the blue and orange milk crates,
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    as tears streamed from his eyes.
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    Just before that,
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    him and my mother
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    had just sat me and my siblings down
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    and told us that they
    were calling it quits.
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    Thirty years later,
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    I found myself with tears in my eyes,
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    as I packed my belongings in our home.
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    Ebony and I met
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    while I was serving
    a 19-year prison sentence.
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    For four years,
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    we used letters, phone calls and visits
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    to build what we had imagined
    to be an unshakeable bond.
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    We fought the system together,
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    and we thought that we would be able
    to right the wrongs of our parents.
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    She was a poet,
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    I was a writer.
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    She was gorgeous, with a PhD.
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    I was handsome,
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    with a GED.
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    (Laughter)
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    We built something magical.
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    We built something
    that we thought would endure.
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    But unfortunately,
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    our relationship became unhinged
    when I was released from prison.
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    Post-traumatic stress syndrome,
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    trauma from prior to going to prison,
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    baggage from her relationship,
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    my inexperience in a relationship
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    undid the magic of what we built
    behind the walls.
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    Centered in all of that
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    was our beautiful boy.
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    I remember when we first
    brought Sekou home.
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    It was so exciting, it was amazing,
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    we worked together, we collaborated,
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    we supported each other.
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    You took the night shift,
    I took the morning shift.
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    And it was going amazing.
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    And then it all changed.
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    It changed the morning that you came in
    really excited, you was like,
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    "Hey, I'm going back to work!
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    Aren't you excited?"
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    And I was like, "Yes.
    I am ecstatic right now.
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    (Laughter)
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    I cannot be more delighted."
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    But inside, I was really afraid.
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    But I couldn't tell you that.
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    So instead, I said,
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    "Hey, go off and have a wonderful day."
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    And you left,
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    and I was left with Sekou.
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    What I understand now about that moment
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    is that we were fostering a trust
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    that's necessary for parents to coexist.
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    And that you were trusting me
    with our most precious gift.
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    And that you were building the foundation
    and the blocks for what's important
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    for this portal we call parenthood.
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    ER: Knowing how our parents'
    breakups impacted us,
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    you know, we were really sensitive
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    about how our breakup would impact Sekou.
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    We struggled,
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    but we found our way.
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    And let Sekou tell it,
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    we're the best parents in the world.
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    I love that he sees us that way.
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    We made a choice in the beginning
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    to co-parent as allies
    and not adversaries.
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    To break the toxic pattern
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    that we see play out over and over again
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    when parents lose focus
    on what's most important,
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    the children.
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    They allow their relationship pain
    to get in the way.
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    But at the end of the day,
    we're on the same team,
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    and that's Sekou's team.
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    You know, I have to admit,
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    we have an unconventional relationship
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    a lot of people don't understand.
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    We're not perfect as parents or people.
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    But we honor each other's role
    in Sekou's life.
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    We allow him to do things
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    that our parents
    would never allow us to do.
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    We don't allow our fears
    to put limits on him.
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    We nurture his natural curiosity
    about the universe
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    and his relationship to the world.
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    Remember that time when we were
    coming in from a long day at work,
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    and Sekou found a puddle outside,
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    a puddle of mud, mind you.
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    Had a brand new fresh outfit on,
    Levi's from head to toe.
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    And he found this puddle of mud,
    and he reached for it.
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    And he wanted to touch the muddy earth,
    and we allowed him to do that.
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    We resisted the urge to say no,
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    and in fact, went and got him a shovel,
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    and allowed him
    to feel the earth's properties
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    and explore as much
    as he wanted to, and he played,
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    and was as happy as a pig in mud.
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    (Laughter)
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    We realized that the outfit
    could be washed,
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    that a bath would clean up all the dirt,
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    but the thrill of being in the moment,
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    of being able to touch
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    and be amazed at this thing
    that he had never discovered before
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    was more valuable than the clothes
    or the dirt that could be washed away.
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    We continue to rethink
    what is right and wrong
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    when it comes to parenting.
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    Sekou challenges us every day.
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    You know, we allow him to climb on couches
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    and draw on his clothes and his shoes,
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    let him run around the store --
    well, I do, anyway.
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    And I get the death stares
    from other mamas who look at me
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    and who think that children should be
    quiet and well-behaved in public.
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    I also get those questions
    that are really judgments,
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    but I don't pay them any mind.
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    Because at the end of the day,
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    our job is to guide Sekou
    on this journey of life,
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    not to control him.
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    We're here to help him
    figure out his place in the world,
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    to uncover his greatest gifts,
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    to discover why he was born.
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    We are raising a free black boy
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    in a world that despises black joy,
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    and we refuse to put limits on him
    that the world already has.
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    SS: Our parenting
    can be seen as an allegory
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    for this two-sided coin of possibilities.
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    On one side,
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    the reality of raising
    a black boy in a society
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    that says that black boys,
    black bodies and black lives
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    only seen as profitable or disposable.
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    And then there's the other side.
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    Possibility of two parents
    who are no longer together
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    coexisting, supporting each other,
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    loving each other,
    showing affection publicly
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    in a way that honors
    the relationship with our son.
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    And even more importantly
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    is the power to support each other
    in all those vulnerable moments.
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    There was this one time
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    that it was my day to go pick up Sekou,
    you remember that time?
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    I go pick Sekou up, he's in first grade,
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    and as I'm walking up,
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    another parent walks up
    and says, "Hey, Shaka.
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    I seen Oprah Winfrey
    give a shout-out to you
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    on CNN last night."
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    She was super excited, exuberant even.
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    I was mortified.
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    Because I thought, what's going to happen
    when she tells another parent,
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    and they tell another parent,
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    and then they go and look me up
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    and then they discover
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    that I was in prison
    for second-degree murder.
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    And then their child hears about it.
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    And they come to school,
    and they say to Sekou,
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    "Your dad was convicted
    of murdering someone."
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    And I remember,
    as watching Sekou race out,
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    and I knew that I had to call Ebony.
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    When I called her,
    I explained to her what happened,
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    Ebony said, "You have to have the talk."
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    So I took Sekou home,
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    got him ready for bed,
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    and we talked for half an hour.
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    I talked to him
    about why I went to prison.
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    And I listened to his feedback.
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    And then we called his mom
    so we can do our nightly ritual
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    of her offering prayer
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    and then me doing affirmations.
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    And I remember holding him tightly.
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    And I realized the importance
    of the affirmations that we do at night.
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    And I see them as a road map, as a guide,
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    as a touchstone
    for other parents to protect
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    and to empower their children,
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    especially in a world
    where it's very difficult.
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    For us, co-parenting is so much more
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    than scheduling pick-up and drop-off,
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    playdates,
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    deciding what he's going to wear,
    what he's going to eat.
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    For us, it's about helping
    each other carry the weight,
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    unpack the load,
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    and to show up in the world
    in a way that honors the beauty
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    of our son.
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    And it's for these reasons
    that we do affirmations.
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    ER: We never though we'd be here.
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    But here we are.
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    And we hope that the way
    that we show up for Sekou
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    and for each other
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    is a model of what successful
    co-parenting can look like.
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    We'd like to bring you all in
    to this nightly ritual of affirmations
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    that Shaka does with Sekou
    every night at bedtime.
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    SS: Hey.
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    (Applause)
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    SS: I am great.
    Sekou: I am great.
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    SS: I am awesome.
    Sekou: I am awesome.
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    SS: I'm amazing.
    Sekou: I'm amazing.
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    SS: I am thoughtful.
    Sekou: I am thoughtful.
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    SS: I am kind.
    Sekou: I am kind.
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    SS: I am loving.
    Sekou: I am loving.
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    SS: I am caring.
    Sekou: I am caring.
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    SS: I am funny.
    Sekou: I am funny.
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    SS: I'm smart.
    Sekou: I'm smart.
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    SS: I'm a big boy.
    Sekou: I'm a big boy.
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    SS: I'm a soldier.
    Sekou: I'm a soldier.
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    SS: I'm a warrior.
    Sekou: I'm a warrior.
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    SS: I am Sekou.
    Sekou: I am Sekou.
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    (Cheers and applause)
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    ER: Good job, baby.
Title:
How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries
Speaker:
Ebony Roberts, Shaka Senghor
Description:

When Shaka Senghor and Ebony Roberts ended their relationship, they made a pact to protect their son from its fallout. What resulted was a poetic meditation on what it means to raise a child together, yet apart. In this moving and deeply personal talk, Senghor and Roberts share their approach to co-parenting -- an equal, active partnership that rolls with the punches and revels in the delights of guiding their child through the world with thought and intention.

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDTalks
Duration:
14:07
  • 12:52 ER: We never *thought* we'd be here. <-- ER: We never though we'd be here.

English subtitles

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