Entitlement (The Shadow Side of Deserving) - Teal Swan -

In this episode, Teal Swan exposes a big human shadow, especially in the spiritual field. The shadow that Teal exposes is: Entitlement. Entitlement is a conscious or subconscious belief that one deserves or has a right to certain things that benefit them. They expect those things to be given to them. You can see how this would be a problem if someone believes they are entitled to things from people who would experience a detriment by giving those things. Teal Swan then goes on to explain how to overcome negative entitlement.

Teal Swan is an International Spiritual Leader. She offers perspective on a wide range of topics including relationships, anxiety, meditation, shadow work, the law of attraction, The Completion Process, healing, PTSD, emotions and spirituality.

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http://www.askteal.com
Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel

Hello there

So, you probably noticed that last week

was the first week, in years

since the beginning of
the Ask Teal series actually.

That I didn't create and offer

an Ask Teal episode.

Why did I do that?

Because I knew that this week's video
was going to be on entitlement,

and I knew that the very best way

to get you face-to-face
with your own expectations,

would be to drop off
of the face of the planet.

Entitlement

Over the course of our lives, inevitably,

we're going to be
on one side or the other

of this entitlement issue.

But the reason
I'm bringing this up this week

is because this is such a big problem
in intentional community.

And Teal Tribe is essentially
a worldwide intentional community,

and I've been seeing entitlement
come up as an issue lately

all over the place.

What is entitlement?

Entitlement is a conscious
or subconscious belief

that one deserves or has a right
to certain things that benefit them.

They expect those things
to be given to them.

Like almost everything,

a sense of entitlement is a spectrum.

Most people on Earth
have some sense of entitlement,

but some people really dramatically
fall to either side of the spectrum.

And that is when relationships
become too painful to maintain.

Now, believing that you deserve
what benefits you,

is not inherently negative.

It's positive.

After all, we know that
according to law of attraction,

one of the major issues people have

when it comes to
creating their own reality,

is that they don't believe
they deserve what it is that they want.

It's a kind of self-sabotage.

It's tempting to think that entitlement

is on the opposite scale

of lack of deserving...

But actually, it's on the opposite scale
of genuine deserving.

It's on the opposite scale
of self love as well.

Why is that?

Because inherently at its root

entitlement is about poor self-image,

and entitlement is about powerlessness.

The two main problems
with this entitlement issue,

is as follows:

First, people who feel like they
innately have a right to something

often don't take action

to have things come about in their life.

It's almost like they passively sit by

and expect the universe
to do everything for them.

They're forgetting that action
is a key component

when it comes to meditation.

The second main issue that we have

is that people with an entitlement complex

expect those things that they "deserve"

to come to them from other people.

Regardless of whether
those people want to or not.

On an energetic level,

this is like waking up to find out

that you have no groceries in your house

and then going to your neighbor's house

to take the groceries
you need out of their fridge.

Groceries, they put all the effort
into securing for their own needs,

and then wondering
why they're so upset about it.

This is a big big problem
in the spiritual field,

because when we hear lessons like:

"everything is one"

and when we hear things
about kindness and altruism,

we can very easily
spin that into an expectation

that other people provide things for us.

It becomes the needle, so to speak,

that we poke them with

to try to get what we want
out of other people.

So we put them in a position
where we're like:

"I want to take something
I want from you,

and if you don't give it to me,
you're the selfish one.

To understand the real
dysfunction with entitlement,

you have to travel back into childhood.

Part of good parenting
is to teach a child

the empowerment and skills
of meeting their own needs.

But sometimes for a great many reasons

parents just don't do this.

They maintain dependence,

instead of assist the child
to become autonomous.

They foster a sense of:

"I can't, but others can and will for me".

They don't ever show the child
how to meet their own needs

or get what they want
through the genuine satisfaction

of their own action.

The child's attitude becomes:

"I am, there for give to me".

It is critical that children
are raised to see the connection

between putting forth energy
and seeing a return.

In other words,

making an effort and achieving success.

When we are younger,
we are powerlessly dependent

on other people, especially our parents

for what we need.

A baby can't feed itself.

So, when it cries,
it expects you to feed it.

Then, we enter this phase
of individuation, called "toddlerhood".

And we can meet some of our needs,

we can get from Point a to point B

because most likely,
we can walk at that point,

but there are other needs
that we can't meet.

we're still powerlessly dependent
on other people to meet those needs.

So what do we watch the toddler do,

when the people around them
aren't meeting those needs for them?

They scream and they throw a tantrum.

If our parents never help us to figure out

how to do the things that we want

or to meet our needs

Independent of the doing it for us,

so our needs and wants
aren't completely dependent

on them or other people,

then what we find is that
we run into this massive issue

where as adults,
we still throw fits and tantrums

except for they're far more
sophisticated and manipulative.

Instead of getting down on the floor
and kicking and screaming

we resort to manipulation

like, playing the victim

or deliberately seeking out
people with poor boundaries

who we can leech off of.

So, this is why entitlement
is such a big issue

in intentional communities,

because people who have
this shadow of entitlement

see an intentional community
as prime feeding ground.

They don't see this intentional community

in terms of what they can contribute,

instead, they see the intentional community

in terms of what they can get out of it.

As a result, they often unintentionally
rip intentional communities apart.

They live off of other people

and make excuses as to why
that arrangement is justifiable.

It starts to feel like everyone's
contributing to the community

as if the community itself
is a separate living being

that everyone else's energy
is dedicated to feeding,

but that one person, or two people

who are just lazily benefiting
from everyone else's efforts.

I can't tell you how many
intentional communities

are based around this unhealthy dynamic.

Some intentional communities, in fact,

are nothing, but two personality types;

The first, are people who believe
that they have to earn love

and that every relationship
is a kind of transaction.

For these people, they believe
that emotional support or connection

come as the direct result
of them providing something.

This is transactional.

These people do not believe

that they can get anything without giving

and they're a perfect vibrational match
to the opposite,

the other people
in this type of community,

who believe that they're entitled
to being provided for

no matter what.

They will seek out these types of people,

by the way,
that's also a transactional relationship,

and the entire intentional community

is set up on that transactional basis.

And that intentional community

will only survive
as long as the dysfunction survives.

That means all people involved
have to remain unhealthy,

especially the ones who think
it's okay to provide for everyone

in exchange for them getting
emotional support, connection,

or let's even say companionship.

Once they heal that vibration,

that intentional community is gone.

People often mistake
entitlement as self-love.

It isn't.

The reason it isn't love,

is because at its root
is a subconscious belief

in one's incapability.

Which is negative self focus.

Also, this behavior hurts other people

which ultimately ends up hurting you.

Here's another problem though;

The people who have entitlement complex

are going to be the very last
people on earth

who recognize this behavior
within themselves.

Instead, to your surprise,

they are going to be the kind of people

who think that they give
and give and give to the people

and never have enough for themselves

and they're also going to be
the type of people

who notice everyone else's
self-centeredness.

Why is this the case?

It's because the ego cannot stand
the idea that it is not special.

The ego uses this as the cover
for the subconscious truth of themselves.

For the ego to admit that the self
leeches off of other people,

it would immediately see itself as bad,

and have to recognize

that it isn't inherently
more special than anyone else.

The ego can't handle this reality
on its own

without the support
of genuine conscious awareness.

Entitlement is an even bigger problem

when you trip into the world
of fame and money.

Because when you trip into
a world of fame and money,

you cease to be a person
and you start to become a resource.

People feel entitled to everything
you have and everything that you are.

Just take a look at the
Anti Teal forum sometime.

If I don't respond to an email,

or don't discount my workshop prices,

because they're struggling with money,

if I don't make an Ask Teal episode
every single week

I fail to meet their expectations
and so they flip from fan to hater.

Expectations and assumptions
are a big part of entitlement.

For this reason,

I suggest that you watch
my video on YouTube titled:

Priceless Love Advice
(Expectations and Assumptions)

If you fall into the category
where you feel entitled

relative to the universe itself,

I want you to remember that
you are inherently the universe.

And so, you taking action

is the universe taking action.

And because the law of attraction
mirrors things,

energy put into something
is matched by the universe at large.

The commitment behind taking action,

is one of the most powerful
vibrations on this earth.

and vibration is what dictates
manifestation.

So what can we all do

so that we don't fall into
the trap of entitlement?

First and foremost, we've become
completely aware of ourselves.

We can take a serious honest look

at what we expect
from the universe at large,

and most especially,

from other people.

So sit down and ask yourself:

"What do you expect from this universe?"

Also, ask yourself:

"What do you expect from each individual
person, that's important in your life?"

You can then develop self-awareness
by questioning those expectations.

Do you see any entitlement
in those expectations?

Are you consciously or subconsciously
believing that you deserve

or have the right to certain things
that those people have that benefit you?

Then, question whether that's beneficial
or detrimental to both you and them.

Also, take a look at the justifications
you give for your entitlement tendencies.

More licensing is what we call it.

We make it okay
to do things that are harmful

to ourselves or other people,
because of some reason.

So we have the tendency
to think it is okay to be entitled

in certain situations,
because of X, Y or Z.

Step 2.

Start to take a serious and in-depth look

at the maladaptive ways
that you go about getting

your needs and wants met

when you know
that you can't ask for them outright,

because someone is going to
say no instead of yes.

For example,

you may be passive aggressive,

you may use self-pity
to get things like connections,

support, emotional pampering,
affirmation / self esteem and affection,

or to escape from the guilt
you feel for having made bad choices,

or having done the wrong thing.

Or you may use punishment techniques
like withdrawal,

when people do not do what you want.

All of these strategies
will fail in the long run,

because people will feel
the manipulation behind them

even before you do.

This may just be the reason

you've been inexplicably
losing friendships

and other relationships left and right

without any idea as to why.

Step 3.

It's time to face your disappointment.

If you haven't done so already,

I want you to watch
my video on YouTube titled:

Disappointment
(How to Get Over Disappointment)

I'm going to give you a little tip:

If you struggle with entitlement,

disappointment is going to be
your dominant vibrational state.

Because obviously,

other people do the obnoxious thing

which is to focus on themselves,

while you think they really should
be focusing on you.

So obviously, if they're not capitalizing
on your best interest 24 hours a day,

and they're thinking about themselves,
instead,

you're going to be
disappointed in them all the time.

Step 4.

Take responsibility for your life.

Responsibility is a profoundly
empowering state to be in.

It is the exact opposite state
of victimhood.

To learn everything about responsibility,

you can watch my video on YouTube titled:

Responsibility
(Why, When and How to Take It)

Step 5.

You have fallen into the trap
of self-absorption.

So, celebrate other people,

pay attention to how you feel

when they get everything
they need and want.

It's not going to make you feel good.

It's going to make you feel like crap.

You want to go into that pain,

use it as the doorway

to unearth and resolve the prior traumas

that are creating
your entitlement complex.

I have created a process
to resolve the past traumas

that create patterns like entitlement.

It is called the completion process.

You can find a detailed explanation
about how to do this process

in my book that is quite literally titled:

The Completion Process

If you're struggling
with a sense of entitlement,

you will be doing a lot of work
on traumas related to a feeling of

powerlessness and self-pity.

6. In your friendships
and in your relationships

you need to start practicing
putting yourself in other people's shoes.

Imagine how would they feel
in this exact same circumstance,

not just "how I would feel
in this exact circumstance".

I want you to Imagine being them, instead.

I want you to think about
what's in their best interest

and not just in yours.

I have a very amazing practice
that you can do

if you're trying to develop this idea

of getting into other people's shoes.

You can look up
my video on YouTube titled:

The Octopus Technique

and try it out for yourself,
on other people.

7. Take action towards what you want

and towards what you need
every single day,

no matter how small those steps are.

You didn't learn this connection before,

so it's a developmental delay.

You need to see
how your action creates results.

There is no time like the present.

For example, pick something
that needs to be done

and divide that thing into little steps.

Take action to accomplish
each of those little steps.

Each time you accomplish one,
cross it off your list.

Then let yourself sit
in that feeling of accomplishment

being the direct result
of your own effort.

Let the feeling of empowerment
sink into the tissues of your body.

8. Assign responsibilities.

In a social environment
contribution is key.

So one of the best things you can do

is to assign responsibilities
to the member of those communities.

Now, here's the fun part:

This is how to tell
whether you have somebody

who is genuinely going to be
a contribution or is going to be a drain

on an intentional community
or on a family;

They will not be able
to hack responsibility.

They can't assume responsibility.

So the minute they have an assignment,

they will fail at that assignment.

At that point it is incredibly critical

to have a conversation
that is an honest one

with that person or those people

about the problem at hand
and how to go about solving it.

Now here's the hard part:

If you have ended up in a community

with somebody who continues
to drop the ball

with the assignments
that are given to them,

fair assignments, by the community...

An expectation of contribution...

Then you are dealing with someone
who is not actually ready

for intentional community.

You are dealing with somebody
who intends purely

to live off of other people's efforts.

Step 9:

Stop bailing out the person
who has an issue with entitlement.

That in fact feeds the incapacity.

People with poor boundaries
are enablers of false powerlessness.

We tell ourselves things like:

"If we don't do it, other people won't

and we can't live with the consequences
of it not getting done".

We play into the feeling that we're
completely responsible for other people

and that it's therefore our fault
if someone else suffers

as a result of their own lack of responsibility.

We have to stop this behavior.

And if you have someone in your community

who is not taking responsibility
in the community,

the time for a serious talk

about the dynamic going on
and how to change it, is now.

The fact of the matter is that
some people who are entitled,

are not interested in
genuinely changing this behavior,

and are not ready
for intentional community.

If you're in a community

where you've got somebody
in that community

that's exhibiting this entitlement behavior

who has no interest in contribution

and instead, has only an interest
in being completely taken care of,

then you're going to know it.

It's not going to be this situation

where somebody has a genuine defect

that disables them
from doing certain activities.

Because those types of people
will pick up in other ways,

they'll contribute in a different way.

But the people who have
an entitlement issue,

They literally will not contribute.

And anything you do
to try to get them to contribute

is going to fall on deaf ears,

and they're going to
display their victimization

to try to justify you never putting
any pressure on them to do anything.

So it's a completely different dynamic

than dealing with people who are
very willing and very interested

in finding a way to contribute
in a fair way to a community

where it's not necessary that
everyone's doing the exact same tasks,

if some of those tasks
are too difficult for them.

#10.

See that entitlement does the exact opposite

of what you want entitlement to do.

When you're entitled,
you want people to meet your needs,

but instead, entitlement pushes them away.

Why? Because people aren't stupid,

they feel underneath everything
that it's all about you

and so as a result,

they're going to realize
how self-centered you are,

realize no one cares about them,
and walk in the other direction.

#11. Start meeting your needs.

Getting your needs met
in ways that benefit

the community or the society
that you live in.

This means, start meeting needs yourself,

or find people who genuinely
are happy to meet those needs.

But you have to be attuned enough
to actually be honest

about whether people are doing
these things for you out of obligation

or the result of your manipulation,

or because it generally makes them
feel good to do those things.

Keep in mind also

that we may be happy to do things
for a child or a partner

that we are not happy to do for a friend.

Step 12. Contribute.

I want you to start to think about
your friendships and your relationships

in terms of contribution.

What can you add to these people's lives?

People will be much more likely
to want to connect with you

and also to meet your wants and needs
from their hearts,

if they perceive you to be giving,
instead of a taking person.

Not only that, it is supremely empowering

for somebody with an entitlement complex

to see that other people value
the things that they have to give.

That people value what they have to offer.

That increases self-esteem.

And what do we know about entitlement?

Underneath it is low, self-esteem.

So contribution is one of the best ways
to cut through that.

Therefore, if you're dealing in a situation

where somebody has
an entitlement complex in a community,

except for that person really wants

to genuinely work on
that entitlement complex,

not just live off the community,

come up with ways that that person
can genuinely contribute.

This one tip in a community
can become a complete game changer.

If you have recognized a tendency
in yourself towards entitlement,

don't sink into shame or into self-pity,

because that in fact just perpetuates
the same loop of the same behaviors

you don't like it inside yourself
in the first place.

Instead, look towards contribution.

Look towards different behaviors

and a type of genuine connection

that mutually benefit and empowers

everyone involved, including you.

Have a good week

Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte