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Hello there

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So, you probably noticed that last week

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was the first week, in years

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since the beginning of [br]the Ask Teal series actually.

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That I didn't create and offer

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an Ask Teal episode.

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Why did I do that?

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Because I knew that this week's video [br]was going to be on entitlement,

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and I knew that the very best way

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to get you face-to-face [br]with your own expectations,

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would be to drop off [br]of the face of the planet.

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Entitlement

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Over the course of our lives, inevitably,

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we're going to be [br]on one side or the other

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of this entitlement issue.

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But the reason [br]I'm bringing this up this week

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is because this is such a big problem [br]in intentional community.

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And Teal Tribe is essentially [br]a worldwide intentional community,

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and I've been seeing entitlement [br]come up as an issue lately

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all over the place.

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What is entitlement?

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Entitlement is a conscious [br]or subconscious belief

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that one deserves or has a right [br]to certain things that benefit them.

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They expect those things [br]to be given to them.

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Like almost everything,

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a sense of entitlement is a spectrum.

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Most people on Earth [br]have some sense of entitlement,

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but some people really dramatically [br]fall to either side of the spectrum.

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And that is when relationships [br]become too painful to maintain.

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Now, believing that you deserve [br]what benefits you,

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is not inherently negative.

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It's positive.

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After all, we know that [br]according to law of attraction,

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one of the major issues people have

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when it comes to [br]creating their own reality,

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is that they don't believe [br]they deserve what it is that they want.

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It's a kind of self-sabotage.

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It's tempting to think that entitlement

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is on the opposite scale

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of lack of deserving...

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But actually, it's on the opposite scale [br]of genuine deserving.

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It's on the opposite scale [br]of self love as well.

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Why is that?

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Because inherently at its root

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entitlement is about poor self-image,

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and entitlement is about powerlessness.

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The two main problems [br]with this entitlement issue,

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is as follows:

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First, people who feel like they [br]innately have a right to something

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often don't take action

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to have things come about in their life.

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It's almost like they passively sit by

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and expect the universe [br]to do everything for them.

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They're forgetting that action [br]is a key component

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when it comes to meditation.

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The second main issue that we have

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is that people with an entitlement complex

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expect those things that they "deserve"

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to come to them from other people.

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Regardless of whether [br]those people want to or not.

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On an energetic level,

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this is like waking up to find out

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that you have no groceries in your house

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and then going to your neighbor's house

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to take the groceries [br]you need out of their fridge.

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Groceries, they put all the effort [br]into securing for their own needs,

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and then wondering [br]why they're so upset about it.

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This is a big big problem [br]in the spiritual field,

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because when we hear lessons like:

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"everything is one"

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and when we hear things [br]about kindness and altruism,

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we can very easily[br]spin that into an expectation

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that other people provide things for us.

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It becomes the needle, so to speak,

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that we poke them with

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to try to get what we want [br]out of other people.

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So we put them in a position [br]where we're like:

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"I want to take something[br]I want from you,

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and if you don't give it to me, [br]you're the selfish one.

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To understand the real [br]dysfunction with entitlement,

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you have to travel back into childhood.

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Part of good parenting [br]is to teach a child

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the empowerment and skills [br]of meeting their own needs.

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But sometimes for a great many reasons

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parents just don't do this.

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They maintain dependence,

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instead of assist the child [br]to become autonomous.

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They foster a sense of:

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"I can't, but others can and will for me".

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They don't ever show the child [br]how to meet their own needs

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or get what they want [br]through the genuine satisfaction

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of their own action.

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The child's attitude becomes:

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"I am, there for give to me".

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It is critical that children [br]are raised to see the connection

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between putting forth energy [br]and seeing a return.

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In other words,

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making an effort and achieving success.

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When we are younger, [br]we are powerlessly dependent

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on other people, especially our parents

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for what we need.

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A baby can't feed itself.

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So, when it cries, [br]it expects you to feed it.

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Then, we enter this phase [br]of individuation, called "toddlerhood".

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And we can meet some of our needs,

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we can get from Point a to point B

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because most likely, [br]we can walk at that point,

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but there are other needs [br]that we can't meet.

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we're still powerlessly dependent [br]on other people to meet those needs.

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So what do we watch the toddler do,

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when the people around them [br]aren't meeting those needs for them?

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They scream and they throw a tantrum.

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If our parents never help us to figure out

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how to do the things that we want

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or to meet our needs

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Independent of the doing it for us,

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so our needs and wants [br]aren't completely dependent

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on them or other people,

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then what we find is that [br]we run into this massive issue

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where as adults, [br]we still throw fits and tantrums

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except for they're far more [br]sophisticated and manipulative.

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Instead of getting down on the floor[br]and kicking and screaming

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we resort to manipulation

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like, playing the victim

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or deliberately seeking out [br]people with poor boundaries

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who we can leech off of.

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So, this is why entitlement [br]is such a big issue

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in intentional communities,

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because people who have [br]this shadow of entitlement

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see an intentional community [br]as prime feeding ground.

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They don't see this intentional community

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in terms of what they can contribute,

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instead, they see the intentional community

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in terms of what they can get out of it.

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As a result, they often unintentionally [br]rip intentional communities apart.

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They live off of other people

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and make excuses as to why [br]that arrangement is justifiable.

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It starts to feel like everyone's[br]contributing to the community

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as if the community itself [br]is a separate living being

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that everyone else's energy [br]is dedicated to feeding,

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but that one person, or two people

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who are just lazily benefiting [br]from everyone else's efforts.

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I can't tell you how many [br]intentional communities

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are based around this unhealthy dynamic.

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Some intentional communities, in fact,

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are nothing, but two personality types;

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The first, are people who believe[br]that they have to earn love

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and that every relationship[br]is a kind of transaction.

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For these people, they believe [br]that emotional support or connection

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come as the direct result [br]of them providing something.

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This is transactional.

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These people do not believe

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that they can get anything without giving

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and they're a perfect vibrational match [br]to the opposite,

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the other people [br]in this type of community,

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who believe that they're entitled [br]to being provided for

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no matter what.

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They will seek out these types of people,

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by the way, [br]that's also a transactional relationship,

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and the entire intentional community

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is set up on that transactional basis.

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And that intentional community

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will only survive [br]as long as the dysfunction survives.

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That means all people involved [br]have to remain unhealthy,

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especially the ones who think [br]it's okay to provide for everyone

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in exchange for them getting [br]emotional support, connection,

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or let's even say companionship.

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Once they heal that vibration,

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that intentional community is gone.

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People often mistake [br]entitlement as self-love.

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It isn't.

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The reason it isn't love,

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is because at its root [br]is a subconscious belief

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in one's incapability.

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Which is negative self focus.

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Also, this behavior hurts other people

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which ultimately ends up hurting you.

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Here's another problem though;

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The people who have entitlement complex

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are going to be the very last [br]people on earth

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who recognize this behavior [br]within themselves.

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Instead, to your surprise,

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they are going to be the kind of people

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who think that they give [br]and give and give to the people

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and never have enough for themselves

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and they're also going to be [br]the type of people

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who notice everyone else's [br]self-centeredness.

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Why is this the case?

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It's because the ego cannot stand [br]the idea that it is not special.

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The ego uses this as the cover [br]for the subconscious truth of themselves.

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For the ego to admit that the self [br]leeches off of other people,

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it would immediately see itself as bad,

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and have to recognize

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that it isn't inherently [br]more special than anyone else.

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The ego can't handle this reality [br]on its own

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without the support [br]of genuine conscious awareness.

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Entitlement is an even bigger problem

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when you trip into the world [br]of fame and money.

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Because when you trip into [br]a world of fame and money,

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you cease to be a person [br]and you start to become a resource.

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People feel entitled to everything [br]you have and everything that you are.

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Just take a look at the [br]Anti Teal forum sometime.

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If I don't respond to an email,

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or don't discount my workshop prices,

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because they're struggling with money,

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if I don't make an Ask Teal episode [br]every single week

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I fail to meet their expectations [br]and so they flip from fan to hater.

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Expectations and assumptions [br]are a big part of entitlement.

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For this reason,

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I suggest that you watch [br]my video on YouTube titled:

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Priceless Love Advice[br](Expectations and Assumptions)

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If you fall into the category [br]where you feel entitled

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relative to the universe itself,

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I want you to remember that [br]you are inherently the universe.

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And so, you taking action

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is the universe taking action.

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And because the law of attraction[br]mirrors things,

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energy put into something [br]is matched by the universe at large.

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The commitment behind taking action,

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is one of the most powerful [br]vibrations on this earth.

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and vibration is what dictates [br]manifestation.

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So what can we all do

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so that we don't fall into [br]the trap of entitlement?

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First and foremost, we've become [br]completely aware of ourselves.

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We can take a serious honest look

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at what we expect [br]from the universe at large,

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and most especially,

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from other people.

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So sit down and ask yourself:

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"What do you expect from this universe?"

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Also, ask yourself:

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"What do you expect from each individual [br]person, that's important in your life?"

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You can then develop self-awareness [br]by questioning those expectations.

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Do you see any entitlement [br]in those expectations?

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Are you consciously or subconsciously [br]believing that you deserve

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or have the right to certain things [br]that those people have that benefit you?

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Then, question whether that's beneficial [br]or detrimental to both you and them.

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Also, take a look at the justifications [br]you give for your entitlement tendencies.

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More licensing is what we call it.

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We make it okay [br]to do things that are harmful

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to ourselves or other people, [br]because of some reason.

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So we have the tendency [br]to think it is okay to be entitled

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in certain situations, [br]because of X, Y or Z.

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Step 2.

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Start to take a serious and in-depth look

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at the maladaptive ways [br]that you go about getting

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your needs and wants met

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when you know [br]that you can't ask for them outright,

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because someone is going to [br]say no instead of yes.

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For example,

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you may be passive aggressive,

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you may use self-pity [br]to get things like connections,

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support, emotional pampering,[br]affirmation / self esteem and affection,

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or to escape from the guilt [br]you feel for having made bad choices,

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or having done the wrong thing.

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Or you may use punishment techniques [br]like withdrawal,

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when people do not do what you want.

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All of these strategies [br]will fail in the long run,

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because people will feel [br]the manipulation behind them

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even before you do.

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This may just be the reason

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you've been inexplicably [br]losing friendships

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and other relationships left and right

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without any idea as to why.

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Step 3.

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It's time to face your disappointment.

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If you haven't done so already,

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I want you to watch [br]my video on YouTube titled:

0:12:05.890,0:12:08.867
Disappointment [br](How to Get Over Disappointment)

0:12:09.420,0:12:11.572
I'm going to give you a little tip:

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If you struggle with entitlement,

0:12:13.840,0:12:17.165
disappointment is going to be [br]your dominant vibrational state.

0:12:17.165,0:12:18.932
Because obviously,

0:12:18.932,0:12:21.926
other people do the obnoxious thing

0:12:21.926,0:12:23.742
which is to focus on themselves,

0:12:23.742,0:12:26.376
while you think they really should [br]be focusing on you.

0:12:26.376,0:12:30.960
So obviously, if they're not capitalizing [br]on your best interest 24 hours a day,

0:12:30.960,0:12:33.286
and they're thinking about themselves, [br]instead,

0:12:33.286,0:12:35.946
you're going to be [br]disappointed in them all the time.

0:12:36.380,0:12:37.394
Step 4.

0:12:37.394,0:12:39.433
Take responsibility for your life.

0:12:40.200,0:12:43.796
Responsibility is a profoundly [br]empowering state to be in.

0:12:43.796,0:12:47.234
It is the exact opposite state [br]of victimhood.

0:12:47.410,0:12:49.570
To learn everything about responsibility,

0:12:49.570,0:12:51.519
you can watch my video on YouTube titled:

0:12:51.519,0:12:54.708
Responsibility [br](Why, When and How to Take It)

0:12:54.708,0:12:55.678
Step 5.

0:12:55.678,0:12:58.598
You have fallen into the trap [br]of self-absorption.

0:12:59.030,0:13:01.568
So, celebrate other people,

0:13:01.568,0:13:03.298
pay attention to how you feel

0:13:03.298,0:13:05.500
when they get everything [br]they need and want.

0:13:05.500,0:13:07.398
It's not going to make you feel good.

0:13:07.398,0:13:09.351
It's going to make you feel like crap.

0:13:09.351,0:13:11.419
You want to go into that pain,

0:13:11.419,0:13:12.865
use it as the doorway

0:13:12.865,0:13:15.390
to unearth and resolve the prior traumas

0:13:15.390,0:13:17.818
that are creating [br]your entitlement complex.

0:13:17.818,0:13:20.561
I have created a process [br]to resolve the past traumas

0:13:20.561,0:13:22.419
that create patterns like entitlement.

0:13:22.419,0:13:24.363
It is called the completion process.

0:13:24.363,0:13:27.412
You can find a detailed explanation [br]about how to do this process

0:13:27.412,0:13:29.338
in my book that is quite literally titled:

0:13:29.338,0:13:30.872
The Completion Process

0:13:30.872,0:13:33.016
If you're struggling [br]with a sense of entitlement,

0:13:33.016,0:13:35.678
you will be doing a lot of work [br]on traumas related to a feeling of

0:13:35.678,0:13:37.953
powerlessness and self-pity.

0:13:38.384,0:13:40.770
6. In your friendships [br]and in your relationships

0:13:40.770,0:13:44.964
you need to start practicing [br]putting yourself in other people's shoes.

0:13:45.200,0:13:49.429
Imagine how would they feel [br]in this exact same circumstance,

0:13:49.429,0:13:53.090
not just "how I would feel [br]in this exact circumstance".

0:13:53.410,0:13:56.416
I want you to Imagine being them, instead.

0:13:56.416,0:13:59.073
I want you to think about [br]what's in their best interest

0:13:59.073,0:14:00.720
and not just in yours.

0:14:00.880,0:14:04.617
I have a very amazing practice[br]that you can do

0:14:04.617,0:14:07.131
if you're trying to develop this idea

0:14:07.131,0:14:09.385
of getting into other people's shoes.

0:14:09.610,0:14:11.900
You can look up [br]my video on YouTube titled:

0:14:11.900,0:14:13.838
The Octopus Technique

0:14:13.838,0:14:16.538
and try it out for yourself, [br]on other people.

0:14:16.740,0:14:19.209
7. Take action towards what you want

0:14:19.209,0:14:21.168
and towards what you need [br]every single day,

0:14:21.168,0:14:23.275
no matter how small those steps are.

0:14:23.330,0:14:25.527
You didn't learn this connection before,

0:14:25.527,0:14:27.226
so it's a developmental delay.

0:14:27.226,0:14:30.217
You need to see [br]how your action creates results.

0:14:30.320,0:14:32.266
There is no time like the present.

0:14:32.440,0:14:34.875
For example, pick something [br]that needs to be done

0:14:34.875,0:14:36.838
and divide that thing into little steps.

0:14:36.838,0:14:39.588
Take action to accomplish [br]each of those little steps.

0:14:39.588,0:14:42.589
Each time you accomplish one, [br]cross it off your list.

0:14:42.680,0:14:45.754
Then let yourself sit [br]in that feeling of accomplishment

0:14:45.754,0:14:48.009
being the direct result [br]of your own effort.

0:14:48.009,0:14:52.120
Let the feeling of empowerment [br]sink into the tissues of your body.

0:14:52.770,0:14:55.628
8. Assign responsibilities.

0:14:55.988,0:14:59.816
In a social environment[br]contribution is key.

0:15:00.396,0:15:02.373
So one of the best things you can do

0:15:02.373,0:15:06.550
is to assign responsibilities [br]to the member of those communities.

0:15:06.900,0:15:08.936
Now, here's the fun part:

0:15:08.936,0:15:11.359
This is how to tell [br]whether you have somebody

0:15:11.359,0:15:14.728
who is genuinely going to be [br]a contribution or is going to be a drain

0:15:14.728,0:15:17.223
on an intentional community [br]or on a family;

0:15:17.223,0:15:20.527
They will not be able [br]to hack responsibility.

0:15:20.527,0:15:22.480
They can't assume responsibility.

0:15:22.480,0:15:24.740
So the minute they have an assignment,

0:15:24.740,0:15:26.646
they will fail at that assignment.

0:15:26.908,0:15:29.618
At that point it is incredibly critical

0:15:29.618,0:15:32.699
to have a conversation[br]that is an honest one

0:15:32.699,0:15:34.814
with that person or those people

0:15:34.814,0:15:38.364
about the problem at hand [br]and how to go about solving it.

0:15:39.668,0:15:41.545
Now here's the hard part:

0:15:41.819,0:15:44.049
If you have ended up in a community

0:15:44.049,0:15:47.199
with somebody who continues [br]to drop the ball

0:15:47.200,0:15:49.760
with the assignments [br]that are given to them,

0:15:49.760,0:15:52.523
fair assignments, by the community...

0:15:52.523,0:15:54.504
An expectation of contribution...

0:15:54.504,0:15:57.352
Then you are dealing with someone [br]who is not actually ready

0:15:57.352,0:15:58.850
for intentional community.

0:15:58.850,0:16:01.152
You are dealing with somebody [br]who intends purely

0:16:01.152,0:16:03.452
to live off of other people's efforts.

0:16:04.588,0:16:05.691
Step 9:

0:16:05.691,0:16:09.723
Stop bailing out the person [br]who has an issue with entitlement.

0:16:09.723,0:16:12.992
That in fact feeds the incapacity.

0:16:13.100,0:16:17.167
People with poor boundaries [br]are enablers of false powerlessness.

0:16:17.170,0:16:19.144
We tell ourselves things like:

0:16:19.144,0:16:20.981
"If we don't do it, other people won't

0:16:20.981,0:16:23.746
and we can't live with the consequences [br]of it not getting done".

0:16:23.746,0:16:26.983
We play into the feeling that we're [br]completely responsible for other people

0:16:26.983,0:16:29.696
and that it's therefore our fault [br]if someone else suffers

0:16:29.696,0:16:32.199
as a result of their own lack of responsibility.

0:16:32.199,0:16:34.171
We have to stop this behavior.

0:16:34.410,0:16:36.231
And if you have someone in your community

0:16:36.231,0:16:38.711
who is not taking responsibility[br]in the community,

0:16:38.711,0:16:40.184
the time for a serious talk

0:16:40.184,0:16:43.340
about the dynamic going on[br]and how to change it, is now.

0:16:43.340,0:16:46.256
The fact of the matter is that [br]some people who are entitled,

0:16:46.256,0:16:48.900
are not interested in [br]genuinely changing this behavior,

0:16:48.900,0:16:52.076
and are not ready [br]for intentional community.

0:16:52.270,0:16:53.962
If you're in a community

0:16:53.962,0:16:56.103
where you've got somebody [br]in that community

0:16:56.103,0:16:58.517
that's exhibiting this entitlement behavior

0:16:58.517,0:17:01.048
who has no interest in contribution

0:17:01.048,0:17:05.094
and instead, has only an interest [br]in being completely taken care of,

0:17:05.320,0:17:07.307
then you're going to know it.

0:17:07.307,0:17:09.360
It's not going to be this situation

0:17:09.360,0:17:11.400
where somebody has a genuine defect

0:17:11.400,0:17:14.099
that disables them [br]from doing certain activities.

0:17:14.099,0:17:17.143
Because those types of people [br]will pick up in other ways,

0:17:17.143,0:17:19.076
they'll contribute in a different way.

0:17:19.199,0:17:21.454
But the people who have [br]an entitlement issue,

0:17:21.454,0:17:23.669
They literally will not contribute.

0:17:23.900,0:17:26.428
And anything you do [br]to try to get them to contribute

0:17:26.428,0:17:28.104
is going to fall on deaf ears,

0:17:28.104,0:17:31.113
and they're going to [br]display their victimization

0:17:31.230,0:17:35.316
to try to justify you never putting [br]any pressure on them to do anything.

0:17:35.316,0:17:37.291
So it's a completely different dynamic

0:17:37.291,0:17:40.585
than dealing with people who are [br]very willing and very interested

0:17:40.585,0:17:43.797
in finding a way to contribute [br]in a fair way to a community

0:17:43.800,0:17:48.098
where it's not necessary that [br]everyone's doing the exact same tasks,

0:17:48.098,0:17:50.829
if some of those tasks [br]are too difficult for them.

0:17:51.090,0:17:52.170
#10.

0:17:52.170,0:17:55.436
See that entitlement does the exact opposite

0:17:55.436,0:17:57.644
of what you want entitlement to do.

0:17:57.644,0:18:00.375
When you're entitled, [br]you want people to meet your needs,

0:18:00.375,0:18:02.550
but instead, entitlement pushes them away.

0:18:02.550,0:18:04.920
Why? Because people aren't stupid,

0:18:04.920,0:18:08.356
they feel underneath everything[br]that it's all about you

0:18:08.356,0:18:09.465
and so as a result,

0:18:09.465,0:18:11.898
they're going to realize [br]how self-centered you are,

0:18:11.898,0:18:15.247
realize no one cares about them, [br]and walk in the other direction.

0:18:15.460,0:18:17.503
#11. Start meeting your needs.

0:18:17.503,0:18:20.128
Getting your needs met [br]in ways that benefit

0:18:20.128,0:18:22.985
the community or the society [br]that you live in.

0:18:22.985,0:18:25.575
This means, start meeting needs yourself,

0:18:25.680,0:18:30.488
or find people who genuinely [br]are happy to meet those needs.

0:18:30.600,0:18:33.319
But you have to be attuned enough [br]to actually be honest

0:18:33.319,0:18:36.291
about whether people are doing [br]these things for you out of obligation

0:18:36.291,0:18:38.186
or the result of your manipulation,

0:18:38.186,0:18:41.790
or because it generally makes them [br]feel good to do those things.

0:18:42.140,0:18:43.485
Keep in mind also

0:18:43.485,0:18:46.244
that we may be happy to do things [br]for a child or a partner

0:18:46.244,0:18:48.700
that we are not happy to do for a friend.

0:18:48.880,0:18:51.210
Step 12. Contribute.

0:18:51.460,0:18:55.031
I want you to start to think about [br]your friendships and your relationships

0:18:55.031,0:18:56.550
in terms of contribution.

0:18:56.550,0:18:59.679
What can you add to these people's lives?

0:19:00.280,0:19:03.225
People will be much more likely [br]to want to connect with you

0:19:03.225,0:19:06.585
and also to meet your wants and needs[br]from their hearts,

0:19:06.585,0:19:09.928
if they perceive you to be giving, [br]instead of a taking person.

0:19:10.090,0:19:13.485
Not only that, it is supremely empowering

0:19:13.485,0:19:15.841
for somebody with an entitlement complex

0:19:15.841,0:19:20.250
to see that other people value [br]the things that they have to give.

0:19:20.350,0:19:22.837
That people value what they have to offer.

0:19:23.030,0:19:24.933
That increases self-esteem.

0:19:24.933,0:19:27.193
And what do we know about entitlement?

0:19:27.383,0:19:29.500
Underneath it is low, self-esteem.

0:19:29.740,0:19:33.030
So contribution is one of the best ways [br]to cut through that.

0:19:33.220,0:19:35.607
Therefore, if you're dealing in a situation

0:19:35.607,0:19:38.852
where somebody has [br]an entitlement complex in a community,

0:19:39.010,0:19:40.789
except for that person really wants

0:19:40.789,0:19:43.025
to genuinely work on [br]that entitlement complex,

0:19:43.025,0:19:44.649
not just live off the community,

0:19:44.649,0:19:48.446
come up with ways that that person [br]can genuinely contribute.

0:19:49.080,0:19:54.322
This one tip in a community [br]can become a complete game changer.

0:19:54.560,0:19:58.401
If you have recognized a tendency [br]in yourself towards entitlement,

0:19:58.401,0:20:00.633
don't sink into shame or into self-pity,

0:20:00.633,0:20:04.150
because that in fact just perpetuates [br]the same loop of the same behaviors

0:20:04.150,0:20:06.718
you don't like it inside yourself [br]in the first place.

0:20:06.760,0:20:09.549
Instead, look towards contribution.

0:20:10.200,0:20:12.296
Look towards different behaviors

0:20:12.296,0:20:14.357
and a type of genuine connection

0:20:14.497,0:20:17.290
that mutually benefit and empowers

0:20:17.440,0:20:19.619
everyone involved, including you.

0:20:20.140,0:20:21.718
Have a good week

0:20:57.717,0:20:59.807
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte