WEBVTT

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Hello there

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So, you probably noticed that last week

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was the first week, in years

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since the beginning of 
the Ask Teal series actually.

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That I didn't create and offer

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an Ask Teal episode.

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Why did I do that?

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Because I knew that this week's video 
was going to be on entitlement,

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and I knew that the very best way

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to get you face-to-face 
with your own expectations,

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would be to drop off 
of the face of the planet.

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Entitlement

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Over the course of our lives, inevitably,

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we're going to be 
on one side or the other

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of this entitlement issue.

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But the reason 
I'm bringing this up this week

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is because this is such a big problem 
in intentional community.

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And Teal Tribe is essentially 
a worldwide intentional community,

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and I've been seeing entitlement 
come up as an issue lately

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all over the place.

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What is entitlement?

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Entitlement is a conscious 
or subconscious belief

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that one deserves or has a right 
to certain things that benefit them.

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They expect those things 
to be given to them.

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Like almost everything,

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a sense of entitlement is a spectrum.

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Most people on Earth 
have some sense of entitlement,

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but some people really dramatically 
fall to either side of the spectrum.

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And that is when relationships 
become too painful to maintain.

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Now, believing that you deserve 
what benefits you,

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is not inherently negative.

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It's positive.

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After all, we know that 
according to law of attraction,

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one of the major issues people have

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when it comes to 
creating their own reality,

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is that they don't believe 
they deserve what it is that they want.

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It's a kind of self-sabotage.

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It's tempting to think that entitlement

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is on the opposite scale

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of lack of deserving...

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But actually, it's on the opposite scale 
of genuine deserving.

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It's on the opposite scale 
of self love as well.

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Why is that?

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Because inherently at its root

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entitlement is about poor self-image,

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and entitlement is about powerlessness.

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The two main problems 
with this entitlement issue,

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is as follows:

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First, people who feel like they 
innately have a right to something

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often don't take action

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to have things come about in their life.

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It's almost like they passively sit by

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and expect the universe 
to do everything for them.

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They're forgetting that action 
is a key component

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when it comes to meditation.

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The second main issue that we have

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is that people with an entitlement complex

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expect those things that they "deserve"

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to come to them from other people.

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Regardless of whether 
those people want to or not.

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On an energetic level,

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this is like waking up to find out

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that you have no groceries in your house

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and then going to your neighbor's house

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to take the groceries 
you need out of their fridge.

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Groceries, they put all the effort 
into securing for their own needs,

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and then wondering 
why they're so upset about it.

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This is a big big problem 
in the spiritual field,

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because when we hear lessons like:

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"everything is one"

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and when we hear things 
about kindness and altruism,

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we can very easily
spin that into an expectation

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that other people provide things for us.

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It becomes the needle, so to speak,

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that we poke them with

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to try to get what we want 
out of other people.

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So we put them in a position 
where we're like:

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"I want to take something
I want from you,

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and if you don't give it to me, 
you're the selfish one.

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To understand the real 
dysfunction with entitlement,

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you have to travel back into childhood.

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Part of good parenting 
is to teach a child

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the empowerment and skills 
of meeting their own needs.

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But sometimes for a great many reasons

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parents just don't do this.

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They maintain dependence,

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instead of assist the child 
to become autonomous.

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They foster a sense of:

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"I can't, but others can and will for me".

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They don't ever show the child 
how to meet their own needs

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or get what they want 
through the genuine satisfaction

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of their own action.

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The child's attitude becomes:

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"I am, there for give to me".

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It is critical that children 
are raised to see the connection

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between putting forth energy 
and seeing a return.

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In other words,

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making an effort and achieving success.

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When we are younger, 
we are powerlessly dependent

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on other people, especially our parents

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for what we need.

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A baby can't feed itself.

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So, when it cries, 
it expects you to feed it.

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Then, we enter this phase 
of individuation, called "toddlerhood".

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And we can meet some of our needs,

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we can get from Point a to point B

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because most likely, 
we can walk at that point,

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but there are other needs 
that we can't meet.

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we're still powerlessly dependent 
on other people to meet those needs.

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So what do we watch the toddler do,

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when the people around them 
aren't meeting those needs for them?

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They scream and they throw a tantrum.

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If our parents never help us to figure out

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how to do the things that we want

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or to meet our needs

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Independent of the doing it for us,

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so our needs and wants 
aren't completely dependent

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on them or other people,

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then what we find is that 
we run into this massive issue

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where as adults, 
we still throw fits and tantrums

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except for they're far more 
sophisticated and manipulative.

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Instead of getting down on the floor
and kicking and screaming

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we resort to manipulation

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like, playing the victim

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or deliberately seeking out 
people with poor boundaries

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who we can leech off of.

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So, this is why entitlement 
is such a big issue

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in intentional communities,

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because people who have 
this shadow of entitlement

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see an intentional community 
as prime feeding ground.

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They don't see this intentional community

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in terms of what they can contribute,

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instead, they see the intentional community

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in terms of what they can get out of it.

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As a result, they often unintentionally 
rip intentional communities apart.

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They live off of other people

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and make excuses as to why 
that arrangement is justifiable.

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It starts to feel like everyone's
contributing to the community

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as if the community itself 
is a separate living being

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that everyone else's energy 
is dedicated to feeding,

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but that one person, or two people

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who are just lazily benefiting 
from everyone else's efforts.

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I can't tell you how many 
intentional communities

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are based around this unhealthy dynamic.

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Some intentional communities, in fact,

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are nothing, but two personality types;

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The first, are people who believe
that they have to earn love

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and that every relationship
is a kind of transaction.

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For these people, they believe 
that emotional support or connection

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come as the direct result 
of them providing something.

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This is transactional.

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These people do not believe

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that they can get anything without giving

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and they're a perfect vibrational match 
to the opposite,

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the other people 
in this type of community,

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who believe that they're entitled 
to being provided for

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no matter what.

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They will seek out these types of people,

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by the way, 
that's also a transactional relationship,

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and the entire intentional community

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is set up on that transactional basis.

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And that intentional community

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will only survive 
as long as the dysfunction survives.

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That means all people involved 
have to remain unhealthy,

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especially the ones who think 
it's okay to provide for everyone

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in exchange for them getting 
emotional support, connection,

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or let's even say companionship.

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Once they heal that vibration,

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that intentional community is gone.

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People often mistake 
entitlement as self-love.

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It isn't.

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The reason it isn't love,

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is because at its root 
is a subconscious belief

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in one's incapability.

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Which is negative self focus.

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Also, this behavior hurts other people

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which ultimately ends up hurting you.

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Here's another problem though;

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The people who have entitlement complex

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are going to be the very last 
people on earth

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who recognize this behavior 
within themselves.

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Instead, to your surprise,

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they are going to be the kind of people

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who think that they give 
and give and give to the people

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and never have enough for themselves

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and they're also going to be 
the type of people

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who notice everyone else's 
self-centeredness.

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Why is this the case?

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It's because the ego cannot stand 
the idea that it is not special.

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The ego uses this as the cover 
for the subconscious truth of themselves.

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For the ego to admit that the self 
leeches off of other people,

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it would immediately see itself as bad,

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and have to recognize

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that it isn't inherently 
more special than anyone else.

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The ego can't handle this reality 
on its own

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without the support 
of genuine conscious awareness.

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Entitlement is an even bigger problem

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when you trip into the world 
of fame and money.

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Because when you trip into 
a world of fame and money,

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you cease to be a person 
and you start to become a resource.

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People feel entitled to everything 
you have and everything that you are.

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Just take a look at the 
Anti Teal forum sometime.

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If I don't respond to an email,

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or don't discount my workshop prices,

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because they're struggling with money,

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if I don't make an Ask Teal episode 
every single week

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I fail to meet their expectations 
and so they flip from fan to hater.

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Expectations and assumptions 
are a big part of entitlement.

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For this reason,

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I suggest that you watch 
my video on YouTube titled:

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Priceless Love Advice
(Expectations and Assumptions)

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If you fall into the category 
where you feel entitled

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relative to the universe itself,

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I want you to remember that 
you are inherently the universe.

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And so, you taking action

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is the universe taking action.

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And because the law of attraction
mirrors things,

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energy put into something 
is matched by the universe at large.

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The commitment behind taking action,

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is one of the most powerful 
vibrations on this earth.

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and vibration is what dictates 
manifestation.

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So what can we all do

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so that we don't fall into 
the trap of entitlement?

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First and foremost, we've become 
completely aware of ourselves.

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We can take a serious honest look

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at what we expect 
from the universe at large,

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and most especially,

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from other people.

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So sit down and ask yourself:

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"What do you expect from this universe?"

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Also, ask yourself:

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"What do you expect from each individual 
person, that's important in your life?"

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You can then develop self-awareness 
by questioning those expectations.

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Do you see any entitlement 
in those expectations?

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Are you consciously or subconsciously 
believing that you deserve

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or have the right to certain things 
that those people have that benefit you?

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Then, question whether that's beneficial 
or detrimental to both you and them.

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Also, take a look at the justifications 
you give for your entitlement tendencies.

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More licensing is what we call it.

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We make it okay 
to do things that are harmful

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to ourselves or other people, 
because of some reason.

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So we have the tendency 
to think it is okay to be entitled

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in certain situations, 
because of X, Y or Z.

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Step 2.

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Start to take a serious and in-depth look

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at the maladaptive ways 
that you go about getting

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your needs and wants met

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when you know 
that you can't ask for them outright,

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because someone is going to 
say no instead of yes.

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For example,

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you may be passive aggressive,

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you may use self-pity 
to get things like connections,

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support, emotional pampering,
affirmation / self esteem and affection,

00:11:32.958 --> 00:11:36.488
or to escape from the guilt 
you feel for having made bad choices,

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or having done the wrong thing.

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Or you may use punishment techniques 
like withdrawal,

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when people do not do what you want.

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All of these strategies 
will fail in the long run,

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because people will feel 
the manipulation behind them

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even before you do.

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This may just be the reason

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you've been inexplicably 
losing friendships

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and other relationships left and right

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without any idea as to why.

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Step 3.

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It's time to face your disappointment.

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If you haven't done so already,

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I want you to watch 
my video on YouTube titled:

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Disappointment 
(How to Get Over Disappointment)

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I'm going to give you a little tip:

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If you struggle with entitlement,

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disappointment is going to be 
your dominant vibrational state.

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Because obviously,

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other people do the obnoxious thing

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which is to focus on themselves,

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while you think they really should 
be focusing on you.

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So obviously, if they're not capitalizing 
on your best interest 24 hours a day,

00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:33.286
and they're thinking about themselves, 
instead,

00:12:33.286 --> 00:12:35.946
you're going to be 
disappointed in them all the time.

00:12:36.380 --> 00:12:37.394
Step 4.

00:12:37.394 --> 00:12:39.433
Take responsibility for your life.

00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:43.796
Responsibility is a profoundly 
empowering state to be in.

00:12:43.796 --> 00:12:47.234
It is the exact opposite state 
of victimhood.

00:12:47.410 --> 00:12:49.570
To learn everything about responsibility,

00:12:49.570 --> 00:12:51.519
you can watch my video on YouTube titled:

00:12:51.519 --> 00:12:54.708
Responsibility 
(Why, When and How to Take It)

00:12:54.708 --> 00:12:55.678
Step 5.

00:12:55.678 --> 00:12:58.598
You have fallen into the trap 
of self-absorption.

00:12:59.030 --> 00:13:01.568
So, celebrate other people,

00:13:01.568 --> 00:13:03.298
pay attention to how you feel

00:13:03.298 --> 00:13:05.500
when they get everything 
they need and want.

00:13:05.500 --> 00:13:07.398
It's not going to make you feel good.

00:13:07.398 --> 00:13:09.351
It's going to make you feel like crap.

00:13:09.351 --> 00:13:11.419
You want to go into that pain,

00:13:11.419 --> 00:13:12.865
use it as the doorway

00:13:12.865 --> 00:13:15.390
to unearth and resolve the prior traumas

00:13:15.390 --> 00:13:17.818
that are creating 
your entitlement complex.

00:13:17.818 --> 00:13:20.561
I have created a process 
to resolve the past traumas

00:13:20.561 --> 00:13:22.419
that create patterns like entitlement.

00:13:22.419 --> 00:13:24.363
It is called the completion process.

00:13:24.363 --> 00:13:27.412
You can find a detailed explanation 
about how to do this process

00:13:27.412 --> 00:13:29.338
in my book that is quite literally titled:

00:13:29.338 --> 00:13:30.872
The Completion Process

00:13:30.872 --> 00:13:33.016
If you're struggling 
with a sense of entitlement,

00:13:33.016 --> 00:13:35.678
you will be doing a lot of work 
on traumas related to a feeling of

00:13:35.678 --> 00:13:37.953
powerlessness and self-pity.

00:13:38.384 --> 00:13:40.770
6. In your friendships 
and in your relationships

00:13:40.770 --> 00:13:44.964
you need to start practicing 
putting yourself in other people's shoes.

00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:49.429
Imagine how would they feel 
in this exact same circumstance,

00:13:49.429 --> 00:13:53.090
not just "how I would feel 
in this exact circumstance".

00:13:53.410 --> 00:13:56.416
I want you to Imagine being them, instead.

00:13:56.416 --> 00:13:59.073
I want you to think about 
what's in their best interest

00:13:59.073 --> 00:14:00.720
and not just in yours.

00:14:00.880 --> 00:14:04.617
I have a very amazing practice
that you can do

00:14:04.617 --> 00:14:07.131
if you're trying to develop this idea

00:14:07.131 --> 00:14:09.385
of getting into other people's shoes.

00:14:09.610 --> 00:14:11.900
You can look up 
my video on YouTube titled:

00:14:11.900 --> 00:14:13.838
The Octopus Technique

00:14:13.838 --> 00:14:16.538
and try it out for yourself, 
on other people.

00:14:16.740 --> 00:14:19.209
7. Take action towards what you want

00:14:19.209 --> 00:14:21.168
and towards what you need 
every single day,

00:14:21.168 --> 00:14:23.275
no matter how small those steps are.

00:14:23.330 --> 00:14:25.527
You didn't learn this connection before,

00:14:25.527 --> 00:14:27.226
so it's a developmental delay.

00:14:27.226 --> 00:14:30.217
You need to see 
how your action creates results.

00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:32.266
There is no time like the present.

00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:34.875
For example, pick something 
that needs to be done

00:14:34.875 --> 00:14:36.838
and divide that thing into little steps.

00:14:36.838 --> 00:14:39.588
Take action to accomplish 
each of those little steps.

00:14:39.588 --> 00:14:42.589
Each time you accomplish one, 
cross it off your list.

00:14:42.680 --> 00:14:45.754
Then let yourself sit 
in that feeling of accomplishment

00:14:45.754 --> 00:14:48.009
being the direct result 
of your own effort.

00:14:48.009 --> 00:14:52.120
Let the feeling of empowerment 
sink into the tissues of your body.

00:14:52.770 --> 00:14:55.628
8. Assign responsibilities.

00:14:55.988 --> 00:14:59.816
In a social environment
contribution is key.

00:15:00.396 --> 00:15:02.373
So one of the best things you can do

00:15:02.373 --> 00:15:06.550
is to assign responsibilities 
to the member of those communities.

00:15:06.900 --> 00:15:08.936
Now, here's the fun part:

00:15:08.936 --> 00:15:11.359
This is how to tell 
whether you have somebody

00:15:11.359 --> 00:15:14.728
who is genuinely going to be 
a contribution or is going to be a drain

00:15:14.728 --> 00:15:17.223
on an intentional community 
or on a family;

00:15:17.223 --> 00:15:20.527
They will not be able 
to hack responsibility.

00:15:20.527 --> 00:15:22.480
They can't assume responsibility.

00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:24.740
So the minute they have an assignment,

00:15:24.740 --> 00:15:26.646
they will fail at that assignment.

00:15:26.908 --> 00:15:29.618
At that point it is incredibly critical

00:15:29.618 --> 00:15:32.699
to have a conversation
that is an honest one

00:15:32.699 --> 00:15:34.814
with that person or those people

00:15:34.814 --> 00:15:38.364
about the problem at hand 
and how to go about solving it.

00:15:39.668 --> 00:15:41.545
Now here's the hard part:

00:15:41.819 --> 00:15:44.049
If you have ended up in a community

00:15:44.049 --> 00:15:47.199
with somebody who continues 
to drop the ball

00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:49.760
with the assignments 
that are given to them,

00:15:49.760 --> 00:15:52.523
fair assignments, by the community...

00:15:52.523 --> 00:15:54.504
An expectation of contribution...

00:15:54.504 --> 00:15:57.352
Then you are dealing with someone 
who is not actually ready

00:15:57.352 --> 00:15:58.850
for intentional community.

00:15:58.850 --> 00:16:01.152
You are dealing with somebody 
who intends purely

00:16:01.152 --> 00:16:03.452
to live off of other people's efforts.

00:16:04.588 --> 00:16:05.691
Step 9:

00:16:05.691 --> 00:16:09.723
Stop bailing out the person 
who has an issue with entitlement.

00:16:09.723 --> 00:16:12.992
That in fact feeds the incapacity.

00:16:13.100 --> 00:16:17.167
People with poor boundaries 
are enablers of false powerlessness.

00:16:17.170 --> 00:16:19.144
We tell ourselves things like:

00:16:19.144 --> 00:16:20.981
"If we don't do it, other people won't

00:16:20.981 --> 00:16:23.746
and we can't live with the consequences 
of it not getting done".

00:16:23.746 --> 00:16:26.983
We play into the feeling that we're 
completely responsible for other people

00:16:26.983 --> 00:16:29.696
and that it's therefore our fault 
if someone else suffers

00:16:29.696 --> 00:16:32.199
as a result of their own lack of responsibility.

00:16:32.199 --> 00:16:34.171
We have to stop this behavior.

00:16:34.410 --> 00:16:36.231
And if you have someone in your community

00:16:36.231 --> 00:16:38.711
who is not taking responsibility
in the community,

00:16:38.711 --> 00:16:40.184
the time for a serious talk

00:16:40.184 --> 00:16:43.340
about the dynamic going on
and how to change it, is now.

00:16:43.340 --> 00:16:46.256
The fact of the matter is that 
some people who are entitled,

00:16:46.256 --> 00:16:48.900
are not interested in 
genuinely changing this behavior,

00:16:48.900 --> 00:16:52.076
and are not ready 
for intentional community.

00:16:52.270 --> 00:16:53.962
If you're in a community

00:16:53.962 --> 00:16:56.103
where you've got somebody 
in that community

00:16:56.103 --> 00:16:58.517
that's exhibiting this entitlement behavior

00:16:58.517 --> 00:17:01.048
who has no interest in contribution

00:17:01.048 --> 00:17:05.094
and instead, has only an interest 
in being completely taken care of,

00:17:05.320 --> 00:17:07.307
then you're going to know it.

00:17:07.307 --> 00:17:09.360
It's not going to be this situation

00:17:09.360 --> 00:17:11.400
where somebody has a genuine defect

00:17:11.400 --> 00:17:14.099
that disables them 
from doing certain activities.

00:17:14.099 --> 00:17:17.143
Because those types of people 
will pick up in other ways,

00:17:17.143 --> 00:17:19.076
they'll contribute in a different way.

00:17:19.199 --> 00:17:21.454
But the people who have 
an entitlement issue,

00:17:21.454 --> 00:17:23.669
They literally will not contribute.

00:17:23.900 --> 00:17:26.428
And anything you do 
to try to get them to contribute

00:17:26.428 --> 00:17:28.104
is going to fall on deaf ears,

00:17:28.104 --> 00:17:31.113
and they're going to 
display their victimization

00:17:31.230 --> 00:17:35.316
to try to justify you never putting 
any pressure on them to do anything.

00:17:35.316 --> 00:17:37.291
So it's a completely different dynamic

00:17:37.291 --> 00:17:40.585
than dealing with people who are 
very willing and very interested

00:17:40.585 --> 00:17:43.797
in finding a way to contribute 
in a fair way to a community

00:17:43.800 --> 00:17:48.098
where it's not necessary that 
everyone's doing the exact same tasks,

00:17:48.098 --> 00:17:50.829
if some of those tasks 
are too difficult for them.

00:17:51.090 --> 00:17:52.170
#10.

00:17:52.170 --> 00:17:55.436
See that entitlement does the exact opposite

00:17:55.436 --> 00:17:57.644
of what you want entitlement to do.

00:17:57.644 --> 00:18:00.375
When you're entitled, 
you want people to meet your needs,

00:18:00.375 --> 00:18:02.550
but instead, entitlement pushes them away.

00:18:02.550 --> 00:18:04.920
Why? Because people aren't stupid,

00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:08.356
they feel underneath everything
that it's all about you

00:18:08.356 --> 00:18:09.465
and so as a result,

00:18:09.465 --> 00:18:11.898
they're going to realize 
how self-centered you are,

00:18:11.898 --> 00:18:15.247
realize no one cares about them, 
and walk in the other direction.

00:18:15.460 --> 00:18:17.503
#11. Start meeting your needs.

00:18:17.503 --> 00:18:20.128
Getting your needs met 
in ways that benefit

00:18:20.128 --> 00:18:22.985
the community or the society 
that you live in.

00:18:22.985 --> 00:18:25.575
This means, start meeting needs yourself,

00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:30.488
or find people who genuinely 
are happy to meet those needs.

00:18:30.600 --> 00:18:33.319
But you have to be attuned enough 
to actually be honest

00:18:33.319 --> 00:18:36.291
about whether people are doing 
these things for you out of obligation

00:18:36.291 --> 00:18:38.186
or the result of your manipulation,

00:18:38.186 --> 00:18:41.790
or because it generally makes them 
feel good to do those things.

00:18:42.140 --> 00:18:43.485
Keep in mind also

00:18:43.485 --> 00:18:46.244
that we may be happy to do things 
for a child or a partner

00:18:46.244 --> 00:18:48.700
that we are not happy to do for a friend.

00:18:48.880 --> 00:18:51.210
Step 12. Contribute.

00:18:51.460 --> 00:18:55.031
I want you to start to think about 
your friendships and your relationships

00:18:55.031 --> 00:18:56.550
in terms of contribution.

00:18:56.550 --> 00:18:59.679
What can you add to these people's lives?

00:19:00.280 --> 00:19:03.225
People will be much more likely 
to want to connect with you

00:19:03.225 --> 00:19:06.585
and also to meet your wants and needs
from their hearts,

00:19:06.585 --> 00:19:09.928
if they perceive you to be giving, 
instead of a taking person.

00:19:10.090 --> 00:19:13.485
Not only that, it is supremely empowering

00:19:13.485 --> 00:19:15.841
for somebody with an entitlement complex

00:19:15.841 --> 00:19:20.250
to see that other people value 
the things that they have to give.

00:19:20.350 --> 00:19:22.837
That people value what they have to offer.

00:19:23.030 --> 00:19:24.933
That increases self-esteem.

00:19:24.933 --> 00:19:27.193
And what do we know about entitlement?

00:19:27.383 --> 00:19:29.500
Underneath it is low, self-esteem.

00:19:29.740 --> 00:19:33.030
So contribution is one of the best ways 
to cut through that.

00:19:33.220 --> 00:19:35.607
Therefore, if you're dealing in a situation

00:19:35.607 --> 00:19:38.852
where somebody has 
an entitlement complex in a community,

00:19:39.010 --> 00:19:40.789
except for that person really wants

00:19:40.789 --> 00:19:43.025
to genuinely work on 
that entitlement complex,

00:19:43.025 --> 00:19:44.649
not just live off the community,

00:19:44.649 --> 00:19:48.446
come up with ways that that person 
can genuinely contribute.

00:19:49.080 --> 00:19:54.322
This one tip in a community 
can become a complete game changer.

00:19:54.560 --> 00:19:58.401
If you have recognized a tendency 
in yourself towards entitlement,

00:19:58.401 --> 00:20:00.633
don't sink into shame or into self-pity,

00:20:00.633 --> 00:20:04.150
because that in fact just perpetuates 
the same loop of the same behaviors

00:20:04.150 --> 00:20:06.718
you don't like it inside yourself 
in the first place.

00:20:06.760 --> 00:20:09.549
Instead, look towards contribution.

00:20:10.200 --> 00:20:12.296
Look towards different behaviors

00:20:12.296 --> 00:20:14.357
and a type of genuine connection

00:20:14.497 --> 00:20:17.290
that mutually benefit and empowers

00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:19.619
everyone involved, including you.

00:20:20.140 --> 00:20:21.718
Have a good week

00:20:57.717 --> 00:20:59.807
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte