Hello there
So, you probably noticed that last week
was the first week, in years
since the beginning of the Ask Teal series actually.
That I didn't create and offer
an Ask Teal episode.
Why did I do that?
Because I knew that this week's video was going to be on entitlement,
and I knew that the very best way
to get you face-to-face with your own expectations,
would be to drop off of the face of the planet.
Entitlement
Over the course of our lives, inevitably,
we're going to be on one side or the other
of this entitlement issue.
But the reason I'm bringing this up this week
is because this is such a big problem in intentional community.
And Teal Tribe is essentially a worldwide intentional community,
and I've been seeing entitlement come up as an issue lately
all over the place.
What is entitlement?
Entitlement is a conscious or subconscious belief
that one deserves or has a right to certain things that benefit them.
They expect those things to be given to them.
Like almost everything,
a sense of entitlement is a spectrum.
Most people on Earth have some sense of entitlement,
but some people really dramatically fall to either side of the spectrum.
And that is when relationships become too painful to maintain.
Now, believing that you deserve what benefits you,
is not inherently negative.
It's positive.
After all, we know that according to law of attraction,
one of the major issues people have
when it comes to creating their own reality,
is that they don't believe they deserve what it is that they want.
It's a kind of self-sabotage.
It's tempting to think that entitlement
is on the opposite scale
of lack of deserving...
But actually, it's on the opposite scale of genuine deserving.
It's on the opposite scale of self love as well.
Why is that?
Because inherently at its root
entitlement is about poor self-image,
and entitlement is about powerlessness.
The two main problems with this entitlement issue,
is as follows:
First, people who feel like they innately have a right to something
often don't take action
to have things come about in their life.
It's almost like they passively sit by
and expect the universe to do everything for them.
They're forgetting that action is a key component
when it comes to meditation.
The second main issue that we have
is that people with an entitlement complex
expect those things that they "deserve"
to come to them from other people.
Regardless of whether those people want to or not.
On an energetic level,
this is like waking up to find out
that you have no groceries in your house
and then going to your neighbor's house
to take the groceries you need out of their fridge.
Groceries, they put all the effort into securing for their own needs,
and then wondering why they're so upset about it.
This is a big big problem in the spiritual field,
because when we hear lessons like:
"everything is one"
and when we hear things about kindness and altruism,
we can very easily spin that into an expectation
that other people provide things for us.
It becomes the needle, so to speak,
that we poke them with
to try to get what we want out of other people.
So we put them in a position where we're like:
"I want to take something I want from you,
and if you don't give it to me, you're the selfish one.
To understand the real dysfunction with entitlement,
you have to travel back into childhood.
Part of good parenting is to teach a child
the empowerment and skills of meeting their own needs.
But sometimes for a great many reasons
parents just don't do this.
They maintain dependence,
instead of assist the child to become autonomous.
They foster a sense of:
"I can't, but others can and will for me".
They don't ever show the child how to meet their own needs
or get what they want through the genuine satisfaction
of their own action.
The child's attitude becomes:
"I am, there for give to me".
It is critical that children are raised to see the connection
between putting forth energy and seeing a return.
In other words,
making an effort and achieving success.
When we are younger, we are powerlessly dependent
on other people, especially our parents
for what we need.
A baby can't feed itself.
So, when it cries, it expects you to feed it.
Then, we enter this phase of individuation, called "toddlerhood".
And we can meet some of our needs,
we can get from Point a to point B
because most likely, we can walk at that point,
but there are other needs that we can't meet.
we're still powerlessly dependent on other people to meet those needs.
So what do we watch the toddler do,
when the people around them aren't meeting those needs for them?
They scream and they throw a tantrum.
If our parents never help us to figure out
how to do the things that we want
or to meet our needs
Independent of the doing it for us,
so our needs and wants aren't completely dependent
on them or other people,
then what we find is that we run into this massive issue
where as adults, we still throw fits and tantrums
except for they're far more sophisticated and manipulative.
Instead of getting down on the floor and kicking and screaming
we resort to manipulation
like, playing the victim
or deliberately seeking out people with poor boundaries
who we can leech off of.
So, this is why entitlement is such a big issue
in intentional communities,
because people who have this shadow of entitlement
see an intentional community as prime feeding ground.
They don't see this intentional community
in terms of what they can contribute,
instead, they see the intentional community
in terms of what they can get out of it.
As a result, they often unintentionally rip intentional communities apart.
They live off of other people
and make excuses as to why that arrangement is justifiable.
It starts to feel like everyone's contributing to the community
as if the community itself is a separate living being
that everyone else's energy is dedicated to feeding,
but that one person, or two people
who are just lazily benefiting from everyone else's efforts.
I can't tell you how many intentional communities
are based around this unhealthy dynamic.
Some intentional communities, in fact,
are nothing, but two personality types;
The first, are people who believe that they have to earn love
and that every relationship is a kind of transaction.
For these people, they believe that emotional support or connection
come as the direct result of them providing something.
This is transactional.
These people do not believe
that they can get anything without giving
and they're a perfect vibrational match to the opposite,
the other people in this type of community,
who believe that they're entitled to being provided for
no matter what.
They will seek out these types of people,
by the way, that's also a transactional relationship,
and the entire intentional community
is set up on that transactional basis.
And that intentional community
will only survive as long as the dysfunction survives.
That means all people involved have to remain unhealthy,
especially the ones who think it's okay to provide for everyone
in exchange for them getting emotional support, connection,
or let's even say companionship.
Once they heal that vibration,
that intentional community is gone.
People often mistake entitlement as self-love.
It isn't.
The reason it isn't love,
is because at its root is a subconscious belief
in one's incapability.
Which is negative self focus.
Also, this behavior hurts other people
which ultimately ends up hurting you.
Here's another problem though;
The people who have entitlement complex
are going to be the very last people on earth
who recognize this behavior within themselves.
Instead, to your surprise,
they are going to be the kind of people
who think that they give and give and give to the people
and never have enough for themselves
and they're also going to be the type of people
who notice everyone else's self-centeredness.
Why is this the case?
It's because the ego cannot stand the idea that it is not special.
The ego uses this as the cover for the subconscious truth of themselves.
For the ego to admit that the self leeches off of other people,
it would immediately see itself as bad,
and have to recognize
that it isn't inherently more special than anyone else.
The ego can't handle this reality on its own
without the support of genuine conscious awareness.
Entitlement is an even bigger problem
when you trip into the world of fame and money.
Because when you trip into a world of fame and money,
you cease to be a person and you start to become a resource.
People feel entitled to everything you have and everything that you are.
Just take a look at the Anti Teal forum sometime.
If I don't respond to an email,
or don't discount my workshop prices,
because they're struggling with money,
if I don't make an Ask Teal episode every single week
I fail to meet their expectations and so they flip from fan to hater.
Expectations and assumptions are a big part of entitlement.
For this reason,
I suggest that you watch my video on YouTube titled:
Priceless Love Advice (Expectations and Assumptions)
If you fall into the category where you feel entitled
relative to the universe itself,
I want you to remember that you are inherently the universe.
And so, you taking action
is the universe taking action.
And because the law of attraction mirrors things,
energy put into something is matched by the universe at large.
The commitment behind taking action,
is one of the most powerful vibrations on this earth.
and vibration is what dictates manifestation.
So what can we all do
so that we don't fall into the trap of entitlement?
First and foremost, we've become completely aware of ourselves.
We can take a serious honest look
at what we expect from the universe at large,
and most especially,
from other people.
So sit down and ask yourself:
"What do you expect from this universe?"
Also, ask yourself:
"What do you expect from each individual person, that's important in your life?"
You can then develop self-awareness by questioning those expectations.
Do you see any entitlement in those expectations?
Are you consciously or subconsciously believing that you deserve
or have the right to certain things that those people have that benefit you?
Then, question whether that's beneficial or detrimental to both you and them.
Also, take a look at the justifications you give for your entitlement tendencies.
More licensing is what we call it.
We make it okay to do things that are harmful
to ourselves or other people, because of some reason.
So we have the tendency to think it is okay to be entitled
in certain situations, because of X, Y or Z.
Step 2.
Start to take a serious and in-depth look
at the maladaptive ways that you go about getting
your needs and wants met
when you know that you can't ask for them outright,
because someone is going to say no instead of yes.
For example,
you may be passive aggressive,
you may use self-pity to get things like connections,
support, emotional pampering, affirmation / self esteem and affection,
or to escape from the guilt you feel for having made bad choices,
or having done the wrong thing.
Or you may use punishment techniques like withdrawal,
when people do not do what you want.
All of these strategies will fail in the long run,
because people will feel the manipulation behind them
even before you do.
This may just be the reason
you've been inexplicably losing friendships
and other relationships left and right
without any idea as to why.
Step 3.
It's time to face your disappointment.
If you haven't done so already,
I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled:
Disappointment (How to Get Over Disappointment)
I'm going to give you a little tip:
If you struggle with entitlement,
disappointment is going to be your dominant vibrational state.
Because obviously,
other people do the obnoxious thing
which is to focus on themselves,
while you think they really should be focusing on you.
So obviously, if they're not capitalizing on your best interest 24 hours a day,
and they're thinking about themselves, instead,
you're going to be disappointed in them all the time.
Step 4.
Take responsibility for your life.
Responsibility is a profoundly empowering state to be in.
It is the exact opposite state of victimhood.
To learn everything about responsibility,
you can watch my video on YouTube titled:
Responsibility (Why, When and How to Take It)
Step 5.
You have fallen into the trap of self-absorption.
So, celebrate other people,
pay attention to how you feel
when they get everything they need and want.
It's not going to make you feel good.
It's going to make you feel like crap.
You want to go into that pain,
use it as the doorway
to unearth and resolve the prior traumas
that are creating your entitlement complex.
I have created a process to resolve the past traumas
that create patterns like entitlement.
It is called the completion process.
You can find a detailed explanation about how to do this process
in my book that is quite literally titled:
The Completion Process
If you're struggling with a sense of entitlement,
you will be doing a lot of work on traumas related to a feeling of
powerlessness and self-pity.
6. In your friendships and in your relationships
you need to start practicing putting yourself in other people's shoes.
Imagine how would they feel in this exact same circumstance,
not just "how I would feel in this exact circumstance".
I want you to Imagine being them, instead.
I want you to think about what's in their best interest
and not just in yours.
I have a very amazing practice that you can do
if you're trying to develop this idea
of getting into other people's shoes.
You can look up my video on YouTube titled:
The Octopus Technique
and try it out for yourself, on other people.
7. Take action towards what you want
and towards what you need every single day,
no matter how small those steps are.
You didn't learn this connection before,
so it's a developmental delay.
You need to see how your action creates results.
There is no time like the present.
For example, pick something that needs to be done
and divide that thing into little steps.
Take action to accomplish each of those little steps.
Each time you accomplish one, cross it off your list.
Then let yourself sit in that feeling of accomplishment
being the direct result of your own effort.
Let the feeling of empowerment sink into the tissues of your body.
8. Assign responsibilities.
In a social environment contribution is key.
So one of the best things you can do
is to assign responsibilities to the member of those communities.
Now, here's the fun part:
This is how to tell whether you have somebody
who is genuinely going to be a contribution or is going to be a drain
on an intentional community or on a family;
They will not be able to hack responsibility.
They can't assume responsibility.
So the minute they have an assignment,
they will fail at that assignment.
At that point it is incredibly critical
to have a conversation that is an honest one
with that person or those people
about the problem at hand and how to go about solving it.
Now here's the hard part:
If you have ended up in a community
with somebody who continues to drop the ball
with the assignments that are given to them,
fair assignments, by the community...
An expectation of contribution...
Then you are dealing with someone who is not actually ready
for intentional community.
You are dealing with somebody who intends purely
to live off of other people's efforts.
Step 9:
Stop bailing out the person who has an issue with entitlement.
That in fact feeds the incapacity.
People with poor boundaries are enablers of false powerlessness.
We tell ourselves things like:
"If we don't do it, other people won't
and we can't live with the consequences of it not getting done".
We play into the feeling that we're completely responsible for other people
and that it's therefore our fault if someone else suffers
as a result of their own lack of responsibility.
We have to stop this behavior.
And if you have someone in your community
who is not taking responsibility in the community,
the time for a serious talk
about the dynamic going on and how to change it, is now.
The fact of the matter is that some people who are entitled,
are not interested in genuinely changing this behavior,
and are not ready for intentional community.
If you're in a community
where you've got somebody in that community
that's exhibiting this entitlement behavior
who has no interest in contribution
and instead, has only an interest in being completely taken care of,
then you're going to know it.
It's not going to be this situation
where somebody has a genuine defect
that disables them from doing certain activities.
Because those types of people will pick up in other ways,
they'll contribute in a different way.
But the people who have an entitlement issue,
They literally will not contribute.
And anything you do to try to get them to contribute
is going to fall on deaf ears,
and they're going to display their victimization
to try to justify you never putting any pressure on them to do anything.
So it's a completely different dynamic
than dealing with people who are very willing and very interested
in finding a way to contribute in a fair way to a community
where it's not necessary that everyone's doing the exact same tasks,
if some of those tasks are too difficult for them.
#10.
See that entitlement does the exact opposite
of what you want entitlement to do.
When you're entitled, you want people to meet your needs,
but instead, entitlement pushes them away.
Why? Because people aren't stupid,
they feel underneath everything that it's all about you
and so as a result,
they're going to realize how self-centered you are,
realize no one cares about them, and walk in the other direction.
#11. Start meeting your needs.
Getting your needs met in ways that benefit
the community or the society that you live in.
This means, start meeting needs yourself,
or find people who genuinely are happy to meet those needs.
But you have to be attuned enough to actually be honest
about whether people are doing these things for you out of obligation
or the result of your manipulation,
or because it generally makes them feel good to do those things.
Keep in mind also
that we may be happy to do things for a child or a partner
that we are not happy to do for a friend.
Step 12. Contribute.
I want you to start to think about your friendships and your relationships
in terms of contribution.
What can you add to these people's lives?
People will be much more likely to want to connect with you
and also to meet your wants and needs from their hearts,
if they perceive you to be giving, instead of a taking person.
Not only that, it is supremely empowering
for somebody with an entitlement complex
to see that other people value the things that they have to give.
That people value what they have to offer.
That increases self-esteem.
And what do we know about entitlement?
Underneath it is low, self-esteem.
So contribution is one of the best ways to cut through that.
Therefore, if you're dealing in a situation
where somebody has an entitlement complex in a community,
except for that person really wants
to genuinely work on that entitlement complex,
not just live off the community,
come up with ways that that person can genuinely contribute.
This one tip in a community can become a complete game changer.
If you have recognized a tendency in yourself towards entitlement,
don't sink into shame or into self-pity,
because that in fact just perpetuates the same loop of the same behaviors
you don't like it inside yourself in the first place.
Instead, look towards contribution.
Look towards different behaviors
and a type of genuine connection
that mutually benefit and empowers
everyone involved, including you.
Have a good week
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte