Why You Keep Attracting the 'Wrong' Person in Relationships - Teal Swan -

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If you really thought about it, I bet you could come up with a description of what your perfect relationship would feel like. The relationship that you consciously want would be unconditionally loving and supportive, intimate and fun. But no matter what you do, you can’t find that relationship. It’s like you are cursed. You keep ending up with partners who make you feel unloved, unsupported, undervalued, unseen and stressed. You keep asking yourself “why do I deserve this?” Well guess what, it has nothing to do with deserving. It has everything to do with your subconscious mind. On a conscious level, we think we are going after the partners who will make us feel that conscious definition of love. But, our subconscious mind (the one that is in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone) which is much more primal and much more in charge of our emotions, only allows us to become attracted to someone who fits it’s definition of love. Your mind will link any associations you have with home, with what love is supposed to feel like. And when you consciously decide you want love in your life, your subconscious compels you towards partners who satisfy those associations you have with love. Your subconscious mind takes you back to your childhood home. So this is how it works, if love equals home and home equals abandonment than love equals abandonment. In this episode, Teal exposes the real reason why we can’t seem to find the “right” person and instead keep ending up with the “wrong people.
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Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel - used by permission http://www.sacreddream.com

♪ Intro Music ♪

Hello everyone ...

If you really thought about it

I bet you could come up with a description

about what your perfect relationship would be.

Your *conscious* Perfect Relationship would look something

like a supportive and loving relationship -

where someone's able to be emotionally intimate,

where you're able to have fun with that person.

But let's be honest ...

That's not the relationship you usually get.

You may feel like you're cursed.

The relationship you get

is with a partner who is unsupportive,

who doesn't make you feel like they love you,

who's not emotionally available

and who you don't have fun with.

A lot of people think: "Why me?!"

They might ask why they deserve this kind of relationship.

But the reality is, this has nothing to do with 'deserving'.

It has everything to do with your subconscious mind.

We are creatures of habit.

Look at our actions - it's instinctual.

We think that we can create some sort of certainty,

some kind of continuity and stability

by returning to what's familiar.

You sleep on the same side of the bed at night ...

You put your toothbrush in the same place in the bathroom ...

You have sex the same way with your partner ...

You keep going to the same restaurant week after week.

This is an instinct

that exists within you

that works against us

when it comes to relationships.

Here's the thing -

when you were a child,

you had no conscious idea about what Love is.

And with a cerebral cortex

that was not yet completely formed,

you experienced the world

entirely through 'felt' perception.

You 'felt' the world before you intellectualized it.

Because of this,

the way you felt about the world

set up your expectations and later beliefs,

about the world.

Even if you had a violent, abusive or lonely childhood,

your home was still 'home'.

It was where you went to sleep at night,

It's where you were fed and clothed,

(or not fed and clothed),

It was where you got your attention from,

(or lack thereof).

Children are born loving their parents.

And they're born assuming

that their parents love them.

Their relationship with the family they're born into

is their first taste of Human Connection

and thus, their first taste of Love.

It doesn't matter

if we in our adult perspective look backwards and say:

"That was NOT a loving household ..."

A child doesn't know any different

than this version of Love

that exists in their home.

Because of this,

they associate Love with Home.

They way that they felt in their home

and in their relationship with their parents

becomes their definition of Love.

This means if your home felt

like Chaos and Confusion and Loneliness and Deception,

you think that's what Love is supposed to feel like.

As we grow up,

we become conscious of the idea of Bad and Good.

Then what we do

is we banish the unwanted aspects,

(the 'not good' aspects, of our life)

to the unconscious.

We deny them.

We suppress them.

We try to forget them - and often, succeed.

What we do

is we only remain aware

of what we feel is good or acceptable.

This is an issue when it comes to Love.

It means that we consciously, as we grow up,

come up with an 'idea' about what 'good thing'

Love is supposed to feel like.

And that means that we banish

the idea - the 'negative' emotions -

of what Love actually feels like to our subconscious mind

to the subconscious.

We create a rift

between our conscious definition of Love,

and our subconscious definition of Love.

Consciously - we know Love should feel Loving

and Supportive and Open and Trusting.

Subconsciously - we know Love should feel Unloving

Unsupportive, Constrictive and Fearful.

On a conscious-level

we think we are going after the partners

who will make us feel that

Conscious definition of Love.

But our subconscious mind,

the one that is in-charge

of our instant biochemical reaction to someone,

(which is much more primal,

and much more in-charge of our emotions)

only allows us to become attracted

to someone who fits 'its' Definition of Love.

Your mind will link any associations

that you have with Home,

to what Love is supposed to feel like.

So when you consciously decide

that you want love in your life,

your sub-conscious mind goes to work

sorting through its Rolodex,

of what Subconscious-Love should feel like,

and then it compels you

to be attracted to people who fit those associations

that you have with Love

on a sub-conscious level, and thus, Home.

Your subconscious mind takes you back

to your Childhood Home.

So this is how it works:

If Love = Home, and Home = Abandonment,

then Love = Abandonment.

Let's say that when you were growing up,

you were born to an alcoholic father

and an enabling mother.

Home to you felt like Anxiety and it felt like Crisis.

You were always trying to avoid your father's raging hot temper,

and you felt like nothing you could do was right.

To some degree,

everyone's focus was on your father,

and so, you were ignored -

whenever you were not being yelled-at

You felt lonely in your childhood home.

You wanted to run away, but you didn't know how.

When you grow up,

even though you consciously want a partner

who is there with you

and who is kind and gentle

and who makes you feel complete inside,

you keep ending up with partners

who make you feel anxiety.

Life with them is one crisis after another.

You are drawn to people

who at first seem cool and collected,

but who turn out to have extremely hot tempers.

They ignore you when they aren't yelling at you.

To some degree,

you feel unmeasurably lonely

and want to end the relationship,

but you don't know how.

The thing is,

despite your suspicions,

it's not that all men or all women are this way.

Something else is happening entirely.

You meet plenty of women, or men,

who are loving,

and who could make for great supportive partners,

who seldom, if ever, get angry.

But when you meet them,

you just don't feel that 'spark'.

Your subconscious mind says:

"This is not what Love feels like, so I don't think it's Love"

Whereas, when you meet someone,

and your subconscious mind senses

that they are an unstable person with a hot temper,

who are as emotionally-distant, it says:

"Aah, this feels familiar ... this feels like Love ...

It MUST be Love!"

Your subconscious mind, compelled by instinct,

takes you right back to your childhood home,

in the same way, that without your conscious-notice,

it compels you to sleep

on the same side of the bed at night.

And, three months later,

you're kicking yourself, asking "Why me?!"

So we're gonna do an exercise ...

I want you to take out a piece of paper,

and at the top of that paper

I want you to write the word 'Home'.

And then I want you to list

every association,

that you have,

with home.

Now we know,

that most of us

(unless we had really unhappy childhoods)

feel Positive, and Negative,

towards the idea of Home.

But it's not the Positive Associations with home

that are causing us pain in our relationships.

It's the Negative Associations.

So think about how you felt,

especially, in terms of 'Negative',

towards your home environment,

and towards your relationship with your parents.

Did you feel as if you were lonely growing up?

Did you feel as if no one heard you or listened to you?

Did you feel scared?

Think about emotions

as well as things that happened in your childhood home,

in order to compile this particular list.

I want you to especially write down

all the negative feelings you can remember,

and negative associations you have,

with being in your childhood home,

and in your relationship with your parents,

primary care-givers and siblings,

up until you left home.

When you finish this list,

go ahead and cross-out the word 'Home'

and write 'Love' in its place.

You are looking at your subconscious definition of Love.

Do your relationships make a little bit more sense?

So you *know* I can't stop there ... ...

It just so happens that I found a process

that made me laugh so hard this week

that I *had* to share it with you.

There's a woman

who's a revolutionary psychologist and self-help author,

who's famous mostly for her work in relationships,

in the '90s.

Her name is Barbara De Angelis.

Now what I found out

is that this woman,

in some of her seminars,

would have people do what's called a 'Want-Ad'.

And this is a super-hilarious exercise,

so I want you all to try it at home.

Basically,

the exercise goes like this:

You've all seen those Ads in the newspaper,

the ones advertising for 'wanted' relationships.

They go a little something like this -

"WANTED: Sensitive caring man (or woman)

who is capable of a deep relationship.

Sense of humor is a must.

I'm looking for someone who's successful,

but not a workaholic.

And someone who's emotionally available.

If you are honest, healthy, trustworthy

and ready for a commitment ...

then I'm the one for you.

CALL 676-334-2123"

However, if you were to match your

Emotional-Wants Ad

with the partners you *actually* receive,

it's as if your Want-Ad in the newspaper

must've read something like this:

"WANTED: Self-centered, insensitive man who is

incapable of a deep relationship.

Seriousness and no sense of humor is a must.

I'm looking for someone who is dead broke

regardless how much he works.

And you must be emotionally unavailable.

If you're dishonest, unhealthy, untrustworthy

and afraid of commitment ...

I am the one for you.

CALL 676-334-2123"

*laughs*

So obviously, as we see in this exercise,

what our conscious minds say we want

and what our subconscious minds say we want,

are two entirely different things.

So take out another sheet of paper ...

On this paper I want you to list

the names of every significant relationship

that you've had in your life.

These are partners which you felt

a deep connection with.

Who you think you might have been in-love with.

After you write down their names,

I want you to think of all the negative traits,

the negative qualities,

about those particular partners,

as well as the negative things

that occurred in the relationship.

This is your time to completely rag on them.

What did you dislike about them

or how you felt around them?

For example:

"Mike - jobless, dishonest, controlling,

manipulative, moody.

Used me for money.

Made me feel like I was worthless.

Impractical.

Flirted with my sister.

Could not communicate.

Made me feel completely alone ..."

or, "Mary - emotionally unstable, crazy, whiny,

insecure, drama-queen, victim.

Made me the bad-guy.

Hated sex.

Negative.

Critical and close-minded ..."

Once you're finished with these lists,

I want you to go over them

and to circle any words that have been repeated,

especially the ones that repeat throughout

all your relationships.

What you are looking at, again,

is your subconscious definition of Love.

Now, with the words that you've circled,

write as creative an Ad as you possibly can.

By doing this,

you will come to understand

what 'Advertisement' you are subconsciously

putting out for a partner,

as well as the kind of people

you are actually attracted to.

This is the kind of person you have been seeking.

This is why relationships are painful to you.

It's good if we can learn to laugh at our choices.

Because they are, after all, somewhat hilarious.

So what I want you to do,

is to make yourself laugh with this particular Ad

And for your viewing pleasure,

I have included two of these scenarios,

- personal 'Want Ads' -

for you, today.

Teal: For the Female Want-Ad -

"Are you looking for a relationship "

"where you don't have to take care of your woman, "

"where you don't have to invest any energy "

"into the relationship whatsoever, "

"including money?"

"Do you want a relationship "

"where you don't have to think of romantic things to do "

"and can avoid emotional intimacy altogether?"

"Then, I'm the woman for you."

"I'm looking for an apathetic man, "

"someone willing to forsake me, "

"because, "

"being forsaken is my secret fetish."

"I want a man who can make me "

"feel like damaged-goods."

"I wanna watch the sunset with a man who is broke, "

"lacks ambition, "

"will only tolerate me when I'm positive, "

"and only wants to have fun."

"No responsibility required."

"If you like to give-up on your woman, "

"and you're trying find someone who doesn't feel "

"taken for granted, and unlovable, when you do that, "

"call me at «insert phone no.»"

Sarbdeep: And for the Male Ad ...

Teal: *laughs*

Sarbdeep: "Antisocial bachelor, with intimacy issues, "

"seeks a dark, vampiric witch, "

"who is both crazy and un-hinged. "

"I can deal with the craziness as long as you're Hot."

"Sex-Appeal fixes all problems ... "

"until a little while later ... "

"when the problems *really* blow up."

Teal: *laughs*
Sarbdeep: "I usually say I want a quiet, "

"simple, stable, homemaker, "

"but I actually don't - "

"because, let's be honest, "

"I'd get bored of you super-quickly ..."

Teal: *snickers*

Teal: *snickers*
Sarbdeep: "Instability makes me feel at home, "

"and I love Power-Struggles."

"Drama is a must."

"What I really want "

"is someone to keep me on my toes, "

"like an exhausting and strategic game of chess."

Teal: *laughs*
Sarbdeep: "If you've had a really fucked-up childhood - "

"This has given me the chance to rescue you."

"And then I'm all yours."

"Emotional volatility wins my heart and attention every time."

"Well, at least my attention."

Teal: *laughs*

Teal: *laughs*
Sarbdeep: *laughs*

When you're done,

compare the findings of this particular exercise,

with the previous exercise you did

about what it felt like in your childhood home.

What you will find

is that the exact negative traits

that you found in your relationships

exactly mirror the way you felt

in your childhood home.

Becoming aware of our subconscious emotional-drives

allows us to become aware enough to be vigilant

about the partners that we choose.

It also enables us

to facilitate further growth in our current relationships,

by being aware of what the *real* dynamic is

that's taking place.

And if we, in our relationships,

can make our conversations about

what the problems are *really* about,

then they're bound to improve.

Have a good week ...

♪ Outtro Music ♪