Masculinity is killing you. Here's how to make it stop | Scott Hopkins | TEDxLSSC

In this talk, Dr. Scott Hopkins discusses the very real and very serious consequences of toxic masculinity. He also introduces us to the hegemon, and shares ways we can work to combat its potentially destructive power.

Currently Dean of Arts and Letters at Lake-Sumter State College, Dr. Scott Hopkins earned a PhD in Writing from Swinburne University of Technology in 2013, a Master's in Creative Writing also from Swinburne (2005), a Master's in Strategy from the Australian National University (2005), and is also a graduate of the 2008 Command and Staff Course at the Australian Defence College. His dissertation used sociological theory from gender studies and queer theory, called hegemonic masculinities, to examine the forces that shape contemporary men, including identity, brotherhood and military service, relations with women, and the role of violence and power.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

I'm speaking today
about men and toxic masculinity,

and about how the ideals of manhood
are harmful for the realities of tomorrow.

I choose this topic because my PhD
involved the study of masculinity,

particularly how boys learn to become men.

Gentlemen, I'm going to say
confronting things

that your masculinity
will automatically reject.

That doesn't make me wrong;

it's just that masculinity
hides itself so well,

especially when questioned,

by acting normal and natural and right -

what Michel Foucault called
'the order of things.'

Ladies, I'm going to need
your help, please.

Masculinity and its problems
is largely invisible to men.

But you can see it.

(Laughter)

And you can help them
change it for the better.

Women's experiences are vital
to helping real men do better.

And we all know
what a real man is, don't we?

Strong, silent type.

Macho, brave.

He's a risk-taking winner.

He's tough, and he's dominant.
He takes what he wants.

He's a sexual master.

(Laughter)

Women want to be him -

No! Women want him,
and men want to be him!

(Laughter)

Han Solo, in 'Star Wars,' is a real man,

even if he's scruffy-looking.

John Wayne, in 'Hondo',

Clint Eastwood, in 'Dirty Harry',

and Bruce Willis,
in 'Die Hard', are real men.

Real men don't cry,

not even at their own father's funeral.

Because a tough guy
takes the slings and arrows of life

with a steely-eyed glare,

or when provoked,
harsh words and his fists.

By these definitions I'm not a real man.

I'm not macho or brave or dominant...

or a sexual master.

(Laughter)

And I did cry at my own father's funeral.

At least I think I did. I got very drunk
afterwards and don't remember it.

(Laughter)

But being a real man
is bad for your health.

A 2016 meta-analysis
involving 19,000 participants

identified that real men
have higher rates of stress,

depression and substance abuse.

Manly men die, on average,
five years younger than women,

and men and boys are 7 out of 10 suicides.

Men, our masculinity
is literally killing us!

Today's masculinity is toxic.

Here are some examples
of toxic masculinity

taken right from the news headlines.

The drunk man who shakes
his toddler to death

because it's crying.

The man who, in a rage, rapes the woman
that's just rejected his sexual advances

at the end of their date.

Or the man who gropes a co-worker,
grabbing her by the breast or buttocks,

or sending her 74 text messages
in a single day,

11 of which are images of his penis.

Toxic masculinity is the homophobic slur

on Call of Duty chat
or the football field,

and it's putting other men down
with name-calling like 'fag' or 'pussy'.

Toxic masculinity is the phrase
'Boys will be boys',

because boys only behave
like they are taught to behave.

Masculinity is learned.

It's not in our genes.

It's constructed, socially.

And masculinity has been well studied
for more than 50 years.

My PhD research used R. W. Connell's
seminal text from 1994, 'Masculinities'.

Connell is a sociologist

who started her career
studying how boys behave in schools,

and later identified
that there are multiple masculinities,

each unique in the circumstances
for that person.

Connell says, for example,

I'm a different man
playing catch or wrestling

with my two little boys in the backyard

than I am in the classroom
in front of my students.

I use a different vocabulary,
different diction,

different tones of voice.

And physical touch
is differently acceptable.

I'm a different man
in the bedroom with my wife

than I am in the church
or out drinking with the boys.

There is no essential 'me',
fixed and unchanging.

Instead, my social circumstances
dictate what is acceptable behaviour.

Connell calls this idea
'hegemonic masculinities'.

Hegemonic masculinities

is the set of social rules
expected of men and boys.

We learn it.

That's where 'Dirty Harry' Callahan
and Han Solo come into the game.

They are cultural representations
of real manhood.

They teach us how real men should behave,

and hence, I want to be them.

Hegemonic masculinities
also values itself most highly,

which is why Dirty Harry Callahan
and Han Solo are such arrogant assholes.

(Chuckling)

Toxic masculinity

lives on in our daily experience.

It affects everything we do.

And much of what we do is driven by power,
by wanting more power.

The men in the room know what I'm saying.

Connel developed the idea of the hegemon

from Italian sociologist Antonio Gramsci,

who defined hegemony
as the system of social power

in which violence is promised
and is the ultimate threat.

Have you ever noticed how a police car
pulling up behind you on the highway

causes anxiety?

That's the hegemon's power, scaring you.

Or have you ever felt alone
and afraid on a dark night

when a group of men passed close by?

That's the hegemon's power, scaring you.

When I get called to my boss's office,

I get nervous!

(Laughter)

That's the hegemon's power, scaring me.

Gramsci noted that institutions typically
have more power than individuals.

The police are a good example,
as are the military or the Boy Scouts.

He also noted that people behave
according to the hegemon's rules,

without being forced to.

People are a social creature,
and hence largely police themselves.

We learn hegemonic masculinities
in schoolyard games as children,

and we practice it

in department meetings at work as adults.

We learn it from TV.

We learn it from friends
and family and co-workers

and movies and books and pop songs.

And remember,

men want to be the hegemon.

But that means many men end up
trying to be a man they can't define,

which leads to guilt and shame
because they don't measure up.

Many men, intuiting that they don't meet
the hegemonic standard,

lash out with anger and violence

because those are the tools
of the hegemon.

These men lash out
at those weaker than themselves,

usually women and children,

to make themselves feel more powerful.

It's pathetic, but it's true.

Let me give you an example.

The last decade has seen the rise
of the incel movement,

a toxic masculinity that blames
a man's involuntary celibate status,

his incel status,

as the fault of the women around him.

Women won't sleep with him,
therefore women must be punished.

It's a very masculine logic.

Rage and vengeance
for perceived loss of power

are symptoms of men

suffering the psychic backlash
of failed masculinities.

These men have to blame somebody else

or else accept the truth
that it is they that are at fault,

that it is 'we men' who need to change.

I'll look at a terrible recent example.

November 2, 2018.

A perpetrator I won't name
and hence glorify,

who was 40 years old,

walked into Hot Yoga,
Tallahassee, and opened fire,

killing Dr. Nancy Van Vessem, 61,

Maura Binkley, 21,

and wounding five others.

This man had a documented history
of groping women,

had posted extensively on social media
about his troubles with the opposite sex,

including YouTube videos

where he glorifies
other violent incel figures.

Afterwards, he turned the gun on himself -

far too late, in my opinion.

His was a toxic masculinity.

A 2010 study published
in the Journal of Forensic Sciences

identified that such murder-suicides
are highly depressed,

overwhelmingly men,

and that a high percentage
of murder-suicide is male on female.

The Violence Policy Center's sixth edition
of Murder-Suicide in the United States

identifies that such
murder-first-then-suicide

are, and I quote, 'almost always
committed by a man carrying a firearm',

end quote,

and that between 1,000
and 15,000 deaths per year

occur because of murder-suicide.

Toxic masculinity isn't just killing men;

it's killing women and children, too.

Noted feminist author Margaret Atwood

once described the difference
between men and women

in very stark terms.

'Men', she said, 'are afraid
that women will laugh at them.

Women are afraid that men will kill them.'

Extreme, perhaps,

but let's ask the women their opinion.

Let's ask the women

about the catcalling and wolf-whistling
and casual harassment

that confronts them
every day on the streets,

in the workplace and in their homes.

Men, we don't see it; we're blind to it,

because privilege is a thing,
and the hegemon is invisible.

Ask women about how they change
their daily behaviour

in order to accommodate
their physical safety!

For example, women
have a lifetime of messages

that puts the responsibility
on them not to be raped.

'Don't go out late at night.'

'Don't dress provocatively.'

'Don't leave your drink unattended.'

That's patriarchy!

That's toxic masculinity
defining the victim as the one to blame,

when it's men doing the raping!

And this is an example of how powerful
and invisible is the hegemon:

despite violent crime being committed
overwhelmingly by men and boys,

only now, only in 2018 and 2019,

and with the help of the #MeToo movement,

does gender become part
of the conversation about violence.

News reports don't highlight gender.

They hide it!

News headlines use gender-neutral terms

such as 'suspect'
or 'assailant' or 'shooter'.

Worst of all,

in the phrase 'violence against women',

men are left out
of the construction altogether.

Our very language
is part of hegemonic masculinities.

Rape is framed through the victim.

'The woman was raped.'
'The child was raped.'

This takes the responsibility
off the perpetrator, the man,

and actually shields him.

The passive voice construction
makes it invisible.

It's much better to say
'The man raped the woman'

because that at least
keeps the bastard on the hook.

Australian comedian Hannah Gatsby,

in her Netflix special 'Nanette',

wonders briefly what it must be like
for men to hate what they desire!

She does this in the context
of telling a joke

about her own physical and sexual assault.

It's confronting stuff.

I've experienced toxic masculinity
as both the aggressor and the victim.

I was a nightclub bouncer for a decade,
and I really enjoyed the power.

'Not in those shoes.'

(Laughter)

But I was also bullied all the way
through primary school and high school.

Just look at me.

And I've been physically
and sexually assaulted.

And what I do know

is I absolutely will perpetrate
a toxic masculinity again

because its power
is insidious and invisible.

What I really want you to do

is think about privilege.

Think about who in the room
can change our culture.

I feel guilty

because of what happened to Hannah Gastby.

I feel responsible.

And I'm one of the most
privileged people on the planet.

I'm a PhD, and my income level,
and my skin colour

and...my penis.

(Laughter)

I'm just a less-than-ideal man.

What can I do to fight the hegemon?

I can name it!

And I can teach you to name it too.

Because that's what the hegemon
hates most of all,

being seen.

Because if we can see it,
we can change it.

So I choose to share an eye-roll
with a woman during a mansplain

or a condescension bomb.

I choose to let a woman speak first,
and just nod my head in agreement.

I don't have to speak after her
to clarify what she meant.

And I can cry,

without shame,

during the good bit in 'Love Actually'.

(Laughter)

But what I must do, first and foremost,
is point out the hegemon to men and women,

and to help them transform

one of the most fundamental forces
in our culture and in ourselves.

And that's what I want you to do,
ladies and gentlemen.

Name the hegemon when you see it.

Name it to shame it,
shame it to change it,

because power can change!

And lastly,

in the wise counsel of Dr. Seuss,
in 'Horton Hears a Who!' -

Horton says,

'"I've got to protect them!
I'm bigger than they!"

So he plucked up the clover,
and hustled away.'

Thank you.

(Applause)