Boys Don't Cry (Except When They Do)

[light piano music]

You've probably heard the old adage,

"Boys don't cry"

That sentiment has been floating around

in our culture for a very long time.

It's a curious phrase though, isn't it?

When we hear someone say

"Boys don't cry",

we know it isn't meant literally.

That is, we know that boys,

and by extension men, do, in fact, cry.

We see it all the time.

Both in real life -

and at the movies.

Even tough guy characters cry,
occasionally.

So, what does that phrase really mean?

Well, "boys don't cry" is an assertion of

a cultural ideal for manhood.

Spencer: "Don't cry, don't cry,
don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."

What most people mean is closer to,

"Boys aren't supposed to cry."

Daniel Plainview: "Stop crying,
you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense!"

But even that isn't entirely accurate.

Because there are a few situations where
crying is permitted.

Ron Swanson: "Crying, acceptable at
funerals, and the Grand Canyon."

So, the more accurate statement would be,

"Boys aren't supposed to cry, except under
a narrow set of circumstances."

It doesn't really have the same ring
to it.

Romeo: (crying) "I defy you stars!"

But it's that narrow set of circumstances
that we're going to focus on

in this video.

Because those moments of vulnerability,
however brief, can tell us a lot about

the construction of masculinity.

Now, I wanna be clear that the inclusion
of a movie or a TV show in this video,

does not necessarily equal
criticism of it.

In many of the examples we'll be looking
at, the tears are entirely appropriate.

Some of the scenes are incredibly
powerful,

and the actors' performances
truly inspired.

Roy: "Like... tears... in rain."

As with most of my video essays,
I'm primarily concerned with

examining over-arching media patterns,

and looking at how those patterns help
shape social norms in our larger culture.

Darcy: "Woah."

Lloyd: "I feel like crying."

Of course, all men aren't painted
with the same cinematic brush.

Chiron: "Shit, I cry so much sometimes, I
feel like I'ma just turn into droplets."

Since they haven't yet entered into
manhood, boys and teenager are usually

given more emotional leeway on screen.

Earl: "It's enough to make a
grown man cry -

but not this man.

Get back in there, tear." [pop]

And because of hyper-masculine stereotypes
about black and brown men,

the allowable window for vulnerability
can be even smaller

than it is for white heroes.

Eric: "Just sick of everyone
treating me like shit."

Gay men in media, meanwhile, tend to
be represented as being

more emotionally expressive
than their straight counterparts

Even though we all understand

that men and boys do cry,

there's still an unwritten rule that men

are only allowed to openly
and sincerely cry

in a small handful of social situations.

Think of it like an emotional window,

wherein men can display
a measure of vulnerability -

without jeopardizing their manhood status.

The more extreme the situation,

the more unrestrained the crying can be.

So for instance, if a male character
begins to sob in a dramatic role,

audiences have learned this means

whatever is going on, it must be

really, really unthinkably bad -

like never-going-to-see-his-family-again
bad,

or just-killed-a-whole-bunch-of-people
bad,

Anakin: "I killed them."

or did-cannibalism bad.

Patrick: "I ate some of their brains."

Curtis: "I know what people taste like."

Frank: "Soylent Green is made
out of people."

Now, admittedly, Soylent Green is on the

far end of the spectrum.

The most common set of circumstances,

where the crying window
opens,

involve death.

Usually, the death of a loved one.

Forrest: "And I miss you, Jenny."

Especially if they have been victimized
in some way.

[sob]

This can include tears relating to an

impending death,

or a breakdown immediately following

a near-death experience.

War, in particular, is often represented

as a setting that provides access

to those extreme situations,

when it's socially permissible to be
openly vulnerable with others -

but at a tragic cost.

It's also sometimes permissible

for men to shed tears relating to
personal failure.

Alfred: "You trusted me...
and I failed you."

Though it has to be a great failure,

like the failure to provide or protect.

Occasionally, that can include the
failure of a marriage -

but more often it's the failure

to stop a catastrophe.

The crying window also opens briefly

in another social arena.

Jimmy: "There's no crying -
there's no crying in baseball!"

[woman sobbing]

Tom Hanks is a funny man,

but he is wrong in that scene -

there IS crying in baseball

And in other men's sports.

Rocky: "This is the greatest night
in the history of my life!"

But notice it's only around particularly

heightened moments of competition -

like the final game of the season,

or qualifying for the playoffs.

These intense situations may be

the only time all year where a grown man

gets to cry in public

and not be ridiculed for it.

Data: "I am happy to see Spot -
and I am crying."

Tears of joy are probably the rarest

acceptable type for men in media.

These are restricted to

post-traumatic reunions,

recognition for a life's work,

the birth of a child,

or a father at his daughters wedding.

Though, tellingly, very rarely

at his own wedding -

or the wedding of a son.

[man sobbing]

There are a few other fringe cases where

the crying window opens.

But notice that all of these situations
are rare.

Simon: "Hey, stop crying" -

Dad: "I'm trying, (rushed) I'm trying"

So rare that they may only come around

a few times in a man's entire life.

On average we do see men crying

slightly more often in dramas

or romance stories.

[thuds]

But in order for men to cry

in action-driven media,

an almost supernatural level of trauma

is usually required.

Even when it's a tragic or
miraculous event

the flow of tears can still be

noticeably constrained for male
characters.

We're all familiar with the
single tear cliche.

One solitary drop of emotion is allowed to
fall down a man's cheek,

to let the audience know that he harbors
deep inner feelings -

feelings that will likely remain unspoken.

But often we don't even get the
single tear -

we just see damp, wet eyes

and the tears aren't allowed to escape.

On many occasions,
while making this video,

I found myself having to pause

and zoom in on a still frame

to try to figure out if the guy was

really shedding tears or not.

Ronny: "Are you crying? - Zip: "No."

The reason why we're spending so much time

talking about men's vulnerability

is because tears are healthy -

both physiologically and emotionally.

On a biological level,
crying releases stress

and helps reduce anxiety.

On a social level, the ability to cry and

be openly vulnerable in front of others,

is critical for human connection and
relationship building.

Jerry: "You ... complete me."

It's difficult to built and maintain

emotionally supportive friendships
without it.

Rebbeca: "There we go... there we go."

Ted: "I promise you there is something

worse out there than being sad,

and that is being alone and being sad."

With that in mind, it's instructive

to consider the wide array

of social situations that fall outside

of the permissible crying window.

Leonard: "So it's cool if I cry
a little?" [laugh track] -

Penny: "Yeah, I probably wouldn't."

Men may fear losing masculinity points -

John: "You're not gonna cry, are you?" -

if they are seen crying due to things
like pain -

Jack: "No, I'm fine" -

fear, heartbreak, pressure at work,

experiencing depression or anxiety,

embarrassment or hurt feelings.

George: "As a man, you are crying
right now."

Ira: "I'm not crying."

George: "People are gonna think we just
broke up or something, Ira,

stop doing what you're doing."

Crying is also frowned upon for men

when doing things like

watching a sappy movie

or witnessing a beautiful sunset

or even connecting on an intimate level.

Rachel: "Are you crying?" -

Peter: "I'm so sorry that I'm being
so weird now."

Notice that all of these life events

are relatively common.

They're the kind of things

that are likely to happen to men

in their everyday lives.

If we do see men crying

for one of those everyday reasons
in dramatic media,

it feels so remarkable,
that we sit up and take notice.

Stan: "Check the, uh, check the
connections please."

Like all social constructs,

the rules governing the crying window

can be bent from time to time.

But if the rules are broken,

the guy runs the risk of becoming

the objects of ridicule amongst his peers

or worse being turned into

a meme on the internet.

As should be evident by some of the clips

we've just been looking at,

when men are depicted getting emotional

outside of the permissible window,

their tears are routinely

played for comedy.

Ron: "I'm in a glass case of emotion"

This is the space Will Ferrell,

Adam Sandler and other comedic actors

build their pathetic male characters in.

Henry: "Why would you do this to me,
you sick bastard?"

[Alan wailing]

It's a world where men who cry too long,

too intensely or at inconvenient times

are mocked - mercilessly.

Dylan: "I thought big people weren't
supposed to cry?"

Megan: "I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little bitch."

Sara: "Megan!"

Comedy that makes fun of men for crying

consistently frames outbursts of emotion

or vulnerability as pathetic, weak -

Raj: "Oh my god, I'm crying already." -

and decidedly unmanly.

Woman: "Why don't you just put on a dress
and weep like a little girl?"

The association of tears with femininity

is explicitly illustrated in the

countless jokes deriding men for

crying like a little girl.

[laugh track] Monica: "Still crying?"

Rachel: "Like a little girl."

Skinner: "Right now superintendent
Chalmers is at home

crying like a little girl." [laughing]

Jeremy: "Stop crying
like a little girl." -

John: "I wasn't crying like a little girl."

The insult is used to police

men's expression of emotion

while also reinforcing the sexist idea

that women are somehow overly emotional

or lack self-control.

David: "You know women. They get
real emotional."

Ian: "Yeah, David, you seem emotional."

David: "Yeah, I'm kinda having
a hard time."

Even though crying is a

basic human response for everyone,

regardless of their gender, it has come to

be thought of as a gendered phenomenon.

Paul: "I cried for 45 minutes. You slap
a pair of tits on me, I'm a woman.

Vito: "You can act like a man,

what's the matter with you?"

Charlotte: "Oh, you can cry, it's okay."

Emerson: "It is not okay for
a grown-ass man to weep in public

with a bunch of happy families
enjoying pie."

This is why the social pressure for men

to put on a brave face and not cry in the
presence of others is enormous.

Emerson: "If you can't hold it, you take
your ass to the men's room

and cry in private on the toilet,
like a man!"

As therapist Terrance Real has noted,

[quote on screen]

If men do get emotional in media,

notice where and when they do it.

Most of the time, vulnerable moments only
happen in private.

It's a classic bit of cinematic
sleight of hand,

because we, as the audience, get to see
protagonists experiencing moments

of true vulnerability.

But they rarely share those feelings
with other characters.

Since the expression of vulnerability

is so strongly coded feminine,
in our culture

stories often have women acting as

conduits for men's feelings.

The emotional labor of caring for
men's pain

typically falls on the women
in their lives.

And, more often than not, that support
only goes one way.

One of the consequences of living in a
culture,

where men are taught to
low the vulnerability,

is that they don't want to be around

other people who are crying.

Jerry: "What are you doing,
you're crying?" -

George: "No!"

Jerry: "Just get yourself together.

I don't know if I can be friends with you
anymore after this display."

George: "Oh, shut up!"

Men may be unwilling to take care of

or provide emotional support to those
who are shedding tears -

Oscar: "There, there" -

because that close proximity
to vulnerability

undermines their own sense of masculinity.

When in the vicinity of another man
who's crying -

Vic: "Oh come on, you need a tissue?
A teddy bear?

You got a blankie in the trunk,
you want me to grab?"

They might pat their friend on the back -

Tony: "Hey, let's stop hugging." -

or give a quick hug before
reestablishing distance.

Cliff: "Woah, woah, hey"

Rick: "I'm sorry about that...
sorry about that"

Cliff: "Here put these on.
Don't cry in front of Mexicans.

In fact, if caught shedding tears,

male characters will frequently deny it

Schmidt: "Are you crying?"

Nick: "I'm not crying."

and pretend everything is fine.

Ken: "Are you crying?"

David: "What's that?"

Ken: "Are you crying?"

David: "Am I crying? No, I'm not crying.
You're crying!"

Raj: "Are you crying?"

Howard: "No, I have allergies."

Rusty: "You okay?"

Daniel: "Yeah, no, I just
bit into a pepper." [sniff]

Jules: "Are you crying?"

Seth: "No I just have something
in both my eyes."

Variations on the classic quip "I just
have something in my eye."

are written to communicate to viewers

that the character does indeed
have feelings

Davis: "No, no! No, No, No,
it's not funny and I wasn't crying.

I wasn't crying, okay? There's a lot of
debris around here."

Michaelangelo: "Are you crying?"

while also giving him a measure
of plausible deniability

Raphael: "No Ding-Dong, just a little
dusty out here."

Popular media frequently reinforces
the belief

Patton: "Shut up!"

that men need to hide their feelings.

Patton: "Won't have a yellow bastard
sitting here, crying,

in front of these brave men who have been
wounded in battle!"

In the fantastic stories Hollywood tells,

feeling and action are often presented as
opposites -

Private Hudson: "This can't be happening,
man, this isn't happening."

as if one precludes the other.

Rocket: "Are you crying?"

Thor: "No...

yes. I feel like I'm losing it."

Rocket: "Get it together!"

Movies tell us over and over again

that if men allow themselves
to feel vulnerable

they will be rendered useless.

Not only will their emotions paralyze
basic motor functions,

[Troy groans]

but the whole world may fall apart
around them.

Kirk: "Snap out of it. Start acting
like men!"

It's not true, of course.

Crying does not preclude action.

[dramatic music]

But the myth that vulnerability is
synonymous with a complete loss of control

[lion wailing]

and therefore incompatible with power

is so corrosive and so strong

[slap]

that many men have come to believe

they must kill their emotional sides
in order to be useful members of society.

Montrose: "I cut out all the soft parts of
myself."

(Montrose) Just to be a man."

Emotional disconnection has other even
more harmful consequences.

Jimmy: "And it's really starting to piss
me off Dave because I can't even cry

for her. My own little daughter
and I can't even cry for her."

The process of working through hurt or loss

can be slow and painful,

but it's also necessary for
emotional healing.

And yet when we do see men breaking down
on screen

the moment passes quickly.

That's because the permissible crying window

only remains opens for a short time.

Even when finding the dead bodies of his
family,

the tears come and go in the space of
one or two minutes.

This means we very rarely see
male characters

who are given the time to properly mourn.

Jed: "Don't cry! Hold it back.

Let it turn to something else"

[crying]

(Jed) Just let it turn to
something else, okay?

In fact, in countless pieces of media

men's tears essentially function
as a bridge to violence.

[shot]

Sometimes the transformation

from profound grief to extreme aggression

even happens within the same scene.

Far too often in media we don't see men
getting sad,

we see them getting mad

and then getting even.

[shots fired]

Narrator: "He goes wild - blood drunk."

[shots fired]

In this way violent retribution

is presented as a replacement

for the normal grieving process.

This pattern then encourages men

to channel all of their feelings
into aggression

[screaming]

and to use that aggression to express
themselves

in nearly all situations.

[screaming]

Now anger isn't necessarily a
destructive emotion.

When directed in constructive ways,

it can be an appropriate response
to injustice.

The problem is that since
aggressive outbursts

are in many ways the opposite of
vulnerability.

Rage and anger are almost universally seen

as signs of strength for men.

Whereas prolonged grief or sadness
is seen as weakness.

Or worse as a sign of instability.

This helps explain why filmmakers

will so often use men's tears

as audio-visual shorthand for a descend
into madness.

Or a descend into evil

Or both.

In his book "Cracking the Armour -
Power, Pain and the Lives of Men"

Micheal Kaufmann observes that

[quote on screen]

It's illuminating to consider
just how often

men's emotional pain is translated
as self-destruction,

in Hollywood narratives.

Howard: "I'm so sad, I’m so fucked up."

[screaming]

Just like violence directed outward,

violence directed inward is
often portrayed

as an intrinsic, almost inevitable
manifestation

of men's emotional pain.

Riggan: "Bang."

Rather than being critiques of

disconnected or violent masculinity

these depictions end up glamorizing

or at least mythologizing

and poetizing male characters

who almost never figure out
how to deal with their feelings

in a healthy way.

So instead we are treated to images
of men destroying themselves

in lovingly realized, cinematic
spectacles.

In her amazing book

"The Will to Change"

bell hooks notes popular culture

very rarely presents us with alternative
emotional paths for male characters.

[quote on screen]

Indeed, stories in which men break the
pattern

and successfully work trough
emotional pain

in transformative ways,

are few and far between.

[crying]

Sean: "It's not your fault."

"Good Will Hunting" is a rare film

in which the protagonist chooses to
reject traditional patriarchal masculinity

[sobbing]

and instead chooses to follow

the more vulnerable path of emotional
connection.

Joel makes a similar choice in
"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind",

when he decides to face his
painful feelings

rather than erasing them.

In Berry Jenkins "Moonlight", Chiron also
chooses to leave behind a life

hardened by isolation

and embrace the vulnerability of

emotional intimacy.

Representations like these are rightfully
celebrated,

but such depictions are still
remarkably rare

and remain the exception

rather than the rule.

As I said earlier,

it can be genuinely gutwrenching

when media allows us to glimpse cracks
in the facade of male control.

Seeing a man finally, at long last,

letting a tear slip, a lip tremble

or, in the most extreme circumstances,
being allowed a good cry

can be quite moving.

Even in scenes that are meant to be
humorous.

Kayla: "Oh, dad, come on. Come on,
toughen up."

Still, I think it's important to recognize

that these rare moments are seen as so
powerful,

precisely because disconnection is still
so highly valued

for men in our society.

Perhaps we wouldn't be as moved by

the small cracks in the dam

if we got to see the free flow of tears
more often.

Movies and TV shows are much more than
simple entertainment.

They also present us with, what bell
hooks calls,

"the art of the possible".

Zuko: "How can you forgive me so easily?
I thought you would be furious with me."

Iroh: "I was never angry with you.

I was sad because I was afraid you lost
your way."

And that's why it's critical for media

to show us more than just the rare,
momentary glimpse of men's vulnerability.

We need to see men crying
unapologetically.

Men connecting emotionally with women

and with each other.

And ultimately, to see men healing

as they embrace the full range of their
humanity.

We need the crying window always open.

[emotional music]

I hope you enjoyed this video.

Now as you might imagine these long-form
video essays

take an enormous amount of time,

to write, edit and produce.

This one has something like
200 media clips

sourced from various movies and TV shows.

So if you would like to see more videos
like this one

please consider going over to Patreon

and helping to back this project there.

I've also left the link to PayPal in
the description below,

if you prefer.

Now I have a whole bunch of other media
projects in the works

so please stay tuned for those

and I'll see you back here again
next time.