Zed A. Shaw - The Web Will Die When OOP Dies

This video was filmed during The Web Rebels conference which took place on the 24-25th of May 2012 in Oslo, Norway. It is a non-profit conference for everyone who loves programming applications and services using web technology.

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All right.

All right!

So, how is everybody doing?

I am Zed Shaun, as you know

And those are 2 primary websites I am campaigning.

So you you will see that the entire time I am talking.

But that is not why I am actually here to talk about.

I am going to talk about, basicaly, bullshit.

I am gonna tell you, how I think the web sucks

despite the amazing amount of stuff you guys put together.

I was ford like some of the crap you guys are making are just amazing!

Reverse engeneer in flash!

Wow! That's like resurecting a mastodonte. That's just amazing!

It was amazing! Very cool technology.

But you're basing it on really awful stuff.

Not basing it, but... but you have it built on this pile of crap.

So let's begin.

I think the W3C as Voludeville Act.

So you might not know at Vouldeville is,

but is the old 1930's tcha, tcha, tcha, that kind of like... corny, like comedy

Basicaly, they are like that guy with a horn hat, throwing banana peels on the ground

And everybody else on the internet was passing by and swiping on them and laughing "ha, ha, ha"

Basically, most of the technology is kind of crap

So like SVG - barlely works is weird accent, its definition of how HML should actually work

XML - they don't really use XML in the sementic web anymore.

They just keep it around just to not have to admit that XML was a super bad idea

RDF - anyone actually uses RDF?

Yes, cause its sucks.

XHTML [laughs]

The Semantic Web - that's my favorite.

It seems that every other boom bust cycle in technology,

someone is trying to do some semantic web thing and it falls flat and then go off...

in a picture sharing frame, or something like that

So, the rest of the stuff, despite all the failures, sort of barely works.

So, you can get stuff done. You guys do amazing stuff.

But, it's kind of junky underneath it, right?!

Like, I hate HTML.

CSS is seriously the weirdest piece of technology ever invented. Is so bizarre.

Video that's never gonna happen.

There is so much bullshit, business crap and licensing... It just ain't...

Sound - I mean, I do music, I wanna make sound stuff,

I try to make it like sound synced with transitions... Just forget it

Someone came out of the library and they will try.

Uploads - how many people know that there is a new upload?

What? 10%? There is a new app. You don't even use Flash to upload anymore.

Nobody know that there is a new upload app that solves all the stuff you hate about upload.

Because they never told you about it! Stupid!!

And Java Script. I am sorry, but Java Script fucking sucks.

I fucking hate Java Script.

Any languange that can't do real math and store an image in a binary blob, is a broke language.

So, anyone seen Popcorn jas? Is 2000 lines of code that lets you do like sound transition.

Something that should just be simple, basic, right?

How about Candes? You can't make circles. Everyone goes: "oh yeah, you can"

Yeah, you're right... with art defining the radius and doing your own pi calculation.

When I see this, I think that some dud that wrote this was trying to teach his kid about pi.

He was like: "oh, I know, I am just gonna make the Candes and taught him about arc and circles.

I want Sugar. This is the thing that bugs me the most about the whole W3C and all that stuff.

Is, you guys make de sugar I like to us.

You make the awesome things I want to use

Why isn't the stuff that you make the actual crap I use in the browser?

Instead of making this janky broke apps as standard, make stuff that I can actually use.

So, what it turns out is it seems that W3C exists or it benefits instead

There are a lot of good money in writing code that makes this shit sucks less.

But we shouldn't have to do this.

So let's pick on HTML.

You get 5 versions of HTML, yeah 5 version before I get actual sementic tags.

And, no, div is not a fucking semantic tag.

I don't care what anyone says. Div is not semantic! Is DIV!

It doesn't say like "header", those are semantic. Now you can actually give name tags.

Why do I have to have a < p > tag on everything? Just assume is a fucking paraghaph!

That's what LaTex does. LaTex does this! Markdown does this.

Everything that you do for document preparation does this.

But I have to tag everything on HTML.

Oh, except I don't have to always end all the tags, cause you have XHTML, but... whatever

Horrendous visual crafting tools. The visual crafting tool work to actully craft the video, like DreamWeaver and thigs like that.

But, the problem I always had with those tools is they didn't make anything programers could consume.

Why can't these tools crap out like tamplates that are actually usefull for programers.

Why can't you give them little packages that produce it.

And they are barely Rich Media. Like now you can make awesome Rich Media apps,

but the actual base stuff just barely is Rich Media.

Like, being able to have solid transition. This is why people use Flash.

But wait! 3D works?

Like, the most advance graphic system you can do works, but none of the other crap works.

I have to do bizarre mingling... I mean... fire bug, screwing around with CSS

just to get a fricking Div to center

But, I can have a dud run around

Right?! Is fucking bizarre.

All right. I always had this weird dream that is only useable if you generate stuff Server Side

which sort of fits the point,

cause everyone's laptop is actually more powerfull than most of the servers I run

So why can I leverage your laptop's power to do the majority of handright?

Instead, everyone has this junky framework just to produce HTML.

And the you say: "oh, but there is mustache on all this tamplates"

Do you ever debugged those things?

Like they generate Java Script and than it blows up

and now you are trying to figure out how it generates the tamplate Java Script

that figures out where that thing is...

And Java script is awesome with errors, isn't it?

Yeah, that stuff is really fun!

So, fuck you HTML!

Can I get a good visual tool?

Can I get a Real-in Browser Tamplate?

One that I can have the actual tamplates in another file and then apply them in the other things?

Can I get some decent free universal video?

Can I get some Synchronized Sound?

Can I get a motherfucking < markdown> tag?

Wouldn't that be awesome?

Like, you wouldn't have to actually render the markdown?

You could actually even make it work between the markdown tags?

Disable all the HTML features so it was totally safe?

And since markdown doesn't have HTML on it, you could just render and you would be done.

And it doesn't have to do markdown, it can give you wiki or whatever you want.

But, that's standard, is going around forever. Why can I have?

Can I get tags as components?

Why can I say "define a tag", when it gets put into the dow, by a Java Script?

I've already got semantic tags, why can I have bonus tags? Just use this files...

Can I get disconected uploads? This is one that bugs the hell out of me!

Bitorn, one of the main reasons people shavle a lot of crap through bitorn

it's because it lets you do it disconected uploads

Is doing the peer-to-peer thing, but, really, you can do this nice disconected uploads.

It's a big feature for it.

So, you upload this video.

I upload a lot of video.

I get a megabyte 499 and that's when the Internet decide to kill my fucking upload

and I had to start the whole one hour upload again.

I don't even bother to upload videos when I am in Norway, on a travel. It's so bad.

And the thing is: Yes, you cam do most of this stuff if you pile mountains of JS.

But, I shouldn't do tons of JS just to get a useable development and user interface.

So, let's pick on CSS.

I want a fucking Grid! My God. Do I fucking hate not having a Grid.

People love grids. Grids are in almost everything.

Basic degign is on Grids. You read this books of design and they talk about grids.

That's how they do layout.

I am doing clear and float!

Fuck you!

I wanna be able to define and I don't want to do it with a tree.

I want to be able to say: "this is the grid and this is the shit that goes in the grid. Figure it out!"

I don't want to have put that goes here and that goes here...

I just want: grid, crap that goes in it. You do it!

But, instead I have to give instructions and...

Why can't I center shit?

Fuck you. If I fucking say center, fucking center it!

Don't make me do: margin, auto, left, zero...

Fuck you!! Center! Is a word.

It has a usefull application in design and in most of your publication, they like to center things.

But for wherever reason, the dushbags making CSS decided that I was gona do margin, auto, left, clear...

No, I can't even get it right. I have to look it up every single time.

Oh, and then it doesn't work all the time:

if you define some parts as table elements style, then it wont center those.

You have to use a center tag or some other definition. Is bizarre.

So, fuck you CSS.

Can I get a fucking grid?

Can I get a variable?

I love hunting trough my CSS looking for that one code, that I'm gonna change.

But it's the same code as others, but I have to do searches.

Can I get a loop?

Wouldn't be awesome if you could have a turn complete language, if you wanted to?

How about components?

Can I make it so I can say: "import this, and this desing that guys has..."

and then I'm gonna based all my stuff on it and they don't clash.

I've actually got names spaces.

Do you ever tried to combined 2 design elements?

No, you use one or the other and then you hack them together...

and you have this mountain of CSS and is totally uneficient. I want components.

Without SASS and Compass.

Again, you can make all this stuff work, but you have to use technologies outside of the W3C.

Why aren't they going to where other people are doing the work and say: "why we don't make it like SASS and Compass?

That's the way it should be.

CSS is what happens when a cat hoarder with Schizophrenia tries to do a programmig language.

It's fucking bizarre. It's like you walk into their house you are like why are all these cats here?

This is strange. Is bacause pizza has lots of squize on it.

That's what is like working with CSS.

Let's pick on JavaScript.

Fuck you. There is no way a 4 element array is equal to a stream with 3 commas on it.

Any language that makes you think this, that has this kind of quality is fucking broke ass.

It should go: Error. That is what they should be doing when you do this.

That's fucking bizarre. This kind of crap is all over JS.

Floats?

And no binary types.

Do you know how hard it is to do cripto when you don't really have math capabilities?

It's fucking bizarre. I get it. They want UTF to be every where.

But, UTF is basically a binary image transform, like a image storage format. That's what it is.

Like unicode is just a way of describing it. This is like Postscript or PDF or all those things.

But making that so I can't actually store that data and transmited binary. I can't store images.

You can do it on NoteGS, because they added it. But in JS? No! There is no binary type.

And that infected web sockets. So, web sockets was this web protcol for doing sockets in the browser,

that at 1st has this junky weird, everything was UTF, it was bizarre.

The other thing is: why only JS?

All those other things, people have being using broken languages forever.

Every language is screwed up in some uniquly, indiossincratic, stupid ass way.

But, on the browser, I don't know why I am only using JS.

Usually, you are given this bullshit thing about the OpenWeb,

but everyone just minifies their crap, which is basically a JS bi-code.

Everyone uses a generator. The ideia that I can open a page and figure out how to do it is broken.

And if you want to have that capability you can have decompaolation. Make it part of the standard.

It's a fucking virtual machine. Why can I add bi-code to it?

Why can I take bi-code and use some kind of compiler to be like Lua or Rubi or something like that

and I just hand you bi-code. That's a way better specification.

Instead of I'm compiling to JS. JS is the assembling language of the web.

If that's your assempling of the web, that's the shit on top,

you got a broke ass computer you are basing your stuff on.

What the fuck!

Basically, coffeescript should be making bi-code.

So fuck you JS! Why not a bi-code specification? That's what I want.

Now, the guys that make virtual machines have all these stupid reasons.

But every other virtual machine does this just fine.

There are some other reasons.

I always imagine there is some deep dark room in Google,

where all the web guys come and drink and have their ciggars and think:

what we are going to do to screw programmers today? I know! JS!

I wanna run Lua, Python, Ruby.

I don't want you to have to worry about what the hell I am using to run your stuff.

Instead people use Flash and Java and SilverLight and all sort of crap.

And they are already compiling to JS. So there is no OpenWeb bulshitt anymore.

Just admited and give me bytes!

That's my real major complaint about the JS part on the web:

that I shouldn't have to use JS if I don't want to. That would be an OpenWeb.

So, I do a lot of web servers and I think HTTP is kind of the only part that is not super junky.

Mostly cause its really broke ass stuff can be avoided and chaged.

But it's still pretty horrible.

I mean, how many people have actually done web servers/ written web servers with HTTP?

Trust me. It's awfull.

It's primary limitation that is not asynchronous.

So, SPDY is better.

Have you seen SPDY crap thing Google is coming out with.

Is like a new way to do HTTP. Is more of a binary protocol.

Basically is a way for Google to save about 2% operating cost

It's better than HTTP anyway.

But the Spec is awefull.

The last time I check this was the Spec, I am not kidding you.

Is basically a bunch Google Style, Uber bulshit C++ code and one part of Chrome.

Looks like it was clearly written by some kid who step out of college,

knew about of algorithm, but not how to write a code.

So you try to figure out what happens when I get this bi-code and after a while you are just like: forget it.

The best Spec I saw what some dud who implemented. That was actually really well done.

So, why does all this stuff happen? Why is there this base set of technology that is just awful.

How many people basically... Most people I talk to basically agree that it just sucks.